Should i just take a break?

M

Mollykins

New member
Hi,

I’m in a loving relationship with a man who sees a few others. Though we aren’t ‘primaries’ we treat each other as if we are and, though it’s only been 10mo, nesting has come up in conversations

I’ve been battling depression and anxiety pretty acutely these past few months and I’ve noticed a huge shift in the last month or so with the way i emotionally handle his dating others. Despite him being super supportive, I can’t seem to keep my insecurities in check and it’s EXAUSTING.

I’m new to poly (couple years) but the lack of romantic interest in others coupled with my inability to keep my emotions in check is leading me to believe poly may not be my deal

With the personal demons I’m dealing with right now, I’m just not in a great space to also deal with the insecurities I’m feeling with myself as they relate to my relationship with my BF

QUESTION: I’m looking for options. We are too good for each other in so many ways, I’m not ready to throw in the towel and give up on poly but I’m also not sure I’m in a position to work through my issues with poly

Has anyone successfully taken a break from a relationship to focus on them selves? Any stories to share?

What about temporary transition to ‘freimds’ to focus on myself? Is that a thing? Would it even do anything to overcome my insecurities related to poly?

What about just taking sex of the table for a bit? He definitely calls the shots in that part of our relationship as I’ve been turned down the few times I’ve initiated and it’s definitely the a major part of my insecurity

Lastly, maybe the opposite of all these is just talking it out with him. We a have monthly relationship checkins and I’ve shared my fears.i thought maybe more overnights might help my connection with him but it’s only been a couple weeks so it’s kinda early to gauge. I know he loves me lots and i know he’s willing to help me in anyway he can, i just don’t know what that would like
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong but to me it sounds like this.


I’m not ready to throw in the towel and give up on poly but I’m also not sure I’m in a position to work through my issues with poly.
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Then you take a time out to improve your position (ie: solve the depression/anxiety) and THEN sort out the poly probs. One thing at a time.

I’ve been battling depression and anxiety pretty acutely these past few months. I’ve noticed a huge shift in the last month or so with the way i emotionally handle his dating others. I can’t seem to keep my insecurities in check and it’s EXAUSTING.
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It sounds like you really need to deal with your depression and anxiety. And don't want anything new.

  • So no. Don't want to talk about moving in together right now.
  • And no. Don't want to hear about him dating new people right now.

I’m looking for options. We are too good for each other in so many ways, I’m not ready to throw in the towel and give up on poly but I’m also not sure I’m in a position to work through my issues with poly
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If you don't want to break up?

Could tell him you need time and space to do your health care and are not up for new stuff right now. Could he please be willing to help you create a time out space by...

a) postponing any talk about moving in together. No NEW changes to living arrangements right now.

b) date his current people, but take a break on dating more NEW people. Old people are already here, you will deal with that. But no new people stuff. Can he deal with that?

c) Take a break on sex. Because right now he calls the shots, and you get shot down if you initiate, and that's a separate stressy problem. But just take a break on that for now so no NEW sex frustrated feelings right now.

And check in after X weeks/months. Could he be willing to do that? Does he have suggestions for another approach that could be ok to both.

Talk it out.

Then maybe that would give you space to seek a doc and/or counselor for help for your conditions.

It also privately gives you time for you to privately step back and figures this out:

Which one are you?

  • Monoamorous ( love one sweetie at a time) + relationship shape flexible (can do poly V, can do monogamous)

And you can/cannot do that with HIM because as a poly partner, he is/is not doing X behaviors and that does/does not work for you.


OR....

  • Monoamorous ( love one sweetie at a time) + monogamous (only want to be in exclusive 1:1: relationship models.)

Like he's doing all he can but the problem is that you don't dig poly, and prefer being 1:1.

You have layers going on... solve them one at a time.

Galagirl
 
thanks, galagirl

He actually hasn’t dated anyone new since we met and the moving in isn’t imminent, just something he sees for us in the future

I really wondering if couples survive ‘breaks’ and if they do, what makes them work? He will support whatever i feel i need but I’m not sure what that is? Would it make sense to stop communicating for a few weeks? Is transaitioning to friends for a while a thing?

I am seeing a therapist for my depression and anxiety, i just feel stunted because i feel i dwell on relationship stuff and wonder if ‘taking a break’ is a thing folks try when the relationship is strong but one of the parties is weak.
 
Gala Girl has it right

The first thing you need to deal with is the anxiety and depression.

That combination will colour all sorts of interactions, and lead you into bad situations and head spaces.

I agree with Galagirl's thinking, in that you need to express where you are, set up some boundaries, and then get yourself back in a better place. Then you can address the poly aspects of the relationship.
 
Hello Mollykins,

It seems to me that you are dealing with too much all at once, and you are getting flooded. The first thing you need to do is reduce your load. I think taking a break would be a good idea. It doesn't have to be a long break, a month or so might be enough to allow you to deal with your depression and anxiety. After you address that part, you could go back to poly and the insecurities you've been going through with respect to poly. But take a long enough break so that you don't end up battling depression, anxiety, and insecurities all at the same time.

Anyway those are my thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Taking sex off the table (i.e. transitioning to close friends only) is certainly also an option worth discussing with your partner. Especially, if it hasn't been working lately.
 
I'm glad you're seeing doctors and working on the depression/anxiety. Therapy for depression can take time, but talking, and medication, and behavioral coping skills, can and do work. My nesting partner had only just started therapy when I met her, and she struggled. She's come a long way in our 10 years together. I hope you find improvement!

There is a saying in polyamory, be your own primary. Your own needs: you're responsible for them. It's on you to take care of you. Finding good doctors and the right kind of medication, and learning to change patterns in your life to healthier more successful ones, takes time. But it works and you can do it!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break from a relationship with a poly man, if it's adding to your stress load.

For your other question, which no one has addressed, is it possible to get back with a partner after taking a break: YES! Again, a personal story. My nesting partner, Pixi, was seeing a guy for a year. She was his only partner. She was his first really serious partner. He is an introvert, and had trust issues (from things in his childhood, especially his relationship with his mother). He got stressed seeing Pixi 2-4 times a month. It was too much intimacy for him. He broke up with her, but told her he might be ready to date again when he worked through some things. Lo and behold, a year later, he got back in touch and they've been together again for over 4 years, and things are going really great. Pixi had respected his need for a break. She knew it wasn't about her. She didn't put any pressure on him.

I hear that you really care about your bf, but it seems he calls the shots. HE gets to choose when you have sex. You say this is a MAJOR part of your depression. That sounds reasonable.

HE thinks it would be a good idea to cohabit. You don't say if it's something YOU want.

If you don't have a voice in this relationship, or less of one than you like, this is stressing you out. It sounds like part of your problem is learning to speak up for yourself. Do you address this in therapy? You might need to if you want to take a break.

What will you do if he pressures you for dates and sex if you don't feel up to it right now? If he doesn't respond when you ask for sex, he might push sex on you when you're trying to disentangle a bit!

As far as him being poly, he's a hinge in a V, or in a star shape, depending on how many partners he has. He needs to be a solid hinge. If he's constantly talking about his others, whether good or bad things, euphoria or fights, you don't need to hear all that. You ask him to not talk about them. If he persists, you walk away, or don't respond to a text, or hang up the phonecall.
 
I really wondering if couples survive ‘breaks’ and if they do, what makes them work? He will support whatever i feel i need but I’m not sure what that is? Would it make sense to stop communicating for a few weeks? Is transaitioning to friends for a while a thing?
Click to expand...

Not exactly the same, but maybe other examples helps you?

Military couples have to do it when one or both is deployed. They don't get to talk. They don't even get to see each other. They support each other in this career choice, and know sometimes they are gonna be apart.

One couple I know got married and then split up again to do grad school in different colleges and different states! They did visits and moved in together after both completed graduation.

And yes. Transitioning to friends can be a thing. Divorced couples become coparents and sometimes coparents and good exes/friends.

Same with temporarily taking sex off the table. I had to -- perimenopause was doing things to my body and until I was on correct HRT, vaginal sex hurt, I was too hot flashy weird to enjoy other kinds of sex, so we had to step back a bit and figure out this new phase of life thing.

If people want to remain in touch/together in some fashion, they will put energy into it and into sustaining the connection.

Galagirl
 
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