Should I start seeing this new girl I met?

S

Stevek

Member
I'm not sure if you're familiar with my background, but I'm a married man with a wife and two kids. You can follow more here


I started my ENM journey a few months ago. I went on a couple of dates, both of which didn't go well. I tried some other apps, got ghosted again, and decided to take a break. Sex with my wife also tapered off, and we got busy with life again.

A couple of weeks ago, Amy, the woman I had previously approached for a date but who wasn't available, approached me again at the gym and started some small talk. She asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I said no. Then she asked if she could set me up on a date. I didn't think about it much and said yes. I asked her for more details about the date, but she said it was a blind date, though only "blind" on my side, as my potential date would probably know about my situation (ENM with a wife and kids). I gave my number to Amy, and I received a text from her asking if I could meet my date the next day. I had a last-minute cancellation and was able to say yes. Amy then said that my potential date also liked bouldering, like me, and asked if we could meet at my bouldering gym.
So, the date was planned, but I didn't have any huge expectations. However, I got a bit self-conscious since my date would probably see me for the first time in an old T-shirt and ratty shorts that I use for bouldering. I drove to the gym and went in, but I didn't even have her number or know what she looked like. I was just scanning around to see who "Kaitlyn" could be. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Steve.

There must have been a mistake, as Kaitlyn seemed young, and I was expecting someone around my age. She told me that she was a sophomore at the local university, and I kind of gave up on the idea of dating her, as she must have also been blindsided like me. I just decided to treat her like a friend, and we did some bouldering for the next hour.
I assumed we would go our separate ways and never mention this date again, but she stopped and asked if we could grab something to eat or drink. I was surprised, and we decided to go to a nearby place for some small bites. We discussed our hobbies more, and she also likes bouldering a lot and is obsessed with camping, just like I am. We have a lot of other common interests.

She then asked me about my ENM journey. I was a bit uncomfortable discussing this with her but just gave her some bits and pieces. I decided to stop "pussyfooting around" and told her that I'm 38 and she's 19. I told her that we are at different stages of life and most likely have different goals. I told her that I cannot be with her all the time due to my family. She responded by saying that she's okay with this, as she wants to focus on her university classes and doesn't have time for a full-time boyfriend. I was skeptical but decided not to push it.
I went home and told my wife about the strange date. My wife surprised me again by saying that we seemed to match well and she wouldn't have any problem with us dating.

Kaitlyn texted me a day later, and I told her that I was busy with Father's Day and would text her back, but I haven't done it yet. I want to go out with her, but I'm afraid of judgment. I've had the best chemistry with her so far, and I just felt like I was talking to my wife some 15 years ago. It is very rare that you can meet someone like this in this day and age. I don't want to lose this great opportunity, but at the same time, I don't want to come off as a creep.

What should I do?
 
Id see where it goes!! I dont think an age gap matters, I mean you share similar interests and she seems open to the whole ENM thing and imo was being mature about it and seemed into you, it can't hurt to try, id say keep it light and see what happens

Of course im a bit of a cougar (a baby cougar?? Im 34 lol) so take my opinion lightly🤣🤣 she sounds more mature at 19 then men ive met in their mid/late 20s though (shock i know)
 
Honestly, I'm usually the first to warn against age gap relationships, but that's in the case of primary relationships. FWB, on the other hand ..

One of my dearest friends was an age gap fwb (I was the young woman, he was the older man) and we were definitely ENM with each other even if we didn't have that phrase for it. We never considered ourselves in a relationship, we didn't talk about love (although it became obvious that we did love each other), and we never had any commitments to each other. We supported each other in whatever and whomever else we were doing. We went through the first round of hormone driven sex, then took a break when that phase wore off, but we continued to develop our friendship. He watched me grow up, change careers a few times, change partners a few times, finally get married, and graduate into a career I actually suit at 40.

Kaitlyn could be a short fling (campground rule) or a lifelong FWB, you just don't know yet. But in this day and age, for goodness sake please get a vasectomy first
 
pinkwildflowers said:
Id see where it goes!! I dont think an age gap matters, I mean you share similar interests and she seems open to the whole ENM thing and imo was being mature about it and seemed into you, it can't hurt to try, id say keep it light and see what happens

Of course im a bit of a cougar (a baby cougar?? Im 34 lol) so take my opinion lightly🤣🤣 she sounds more mature at 19 then men ive met in their mid/late 20s though (shock i know)
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Thanks! I think we have very good chemistry and dare I say ( I will never mention it to anyone outside this forum) we are better match, at least on paper when compared to my wife. My wife doesn't like outdoors that much and she never partakes in any of my hobbies. This seems like a dream come true but I am worried about potential issues. I feel like i am from a different time period. we have some common interests but that can't just be all right?
 
Evie said:
Honestly, I'm usually the first to warn against age gap relationships, but that's in the case of primary relationships. FWB, on the other hand ..

One of my dearest friends was an age gap fwb (I was the young woman, he was the older man). We never considered ourselves in a relationship, we didn't talk about love (although it became obvious that we did love each other), and we never had any commitments to each other. We went through the first round of hormone driven sex, then took a break when that phase wore off, but we continued to develop our friendship. He watched me grow up, change careers a few times, change partners a few times, finally get married, and graduate into a career I actually suit at 40.

Kaitlyn could be a short fling (campground rule) or a lifelong FWB, you just don't know yet. But in this day and age, for goodness sake please get a vasectomy first
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Thanks Evie,

Kaitlyn made it clear that she is viewing any potential relationship with a long-term lens? She said that she doesn't like short flings.

What if this becomes a long-term thing? That is my biggest worry. Or maybe I am over thinking it. It's been just one date.
 
You could have that long term FWB thing? Ask her what commitments she is seeking from this potential relationship with you. Ensure you are on the same page about what you can and can't offer.

Honestly though, she's 19 and has no real idea how this could play out. And if you've been married and mono for a goodly while, nor do you. Many connections naturally run their course. Others develop into longer things.

Reason, season, lifetime. The trick is to not force one into being another. (https://getyurownstyle.wordpress.com/2018/09/14/is-someone-a-season-reason-or-a-lifetime/)
 
Evie said:
You could have that long term FWB thing? Ask her what commitments she is seeking from this potential relationship with you. Ensure you are on the same page about what you can and can't offer.

Honestly though, she's 19 and has no real idea how this could play out. And if you've been married and mono for a goodly while, nor do you. Many connections naturally run their course. Other develop into longer things.

Reason, season, lifetime. The trick is to not force one into being another. (https://getyurownstyle.wordpress.com/2018/09/14/is-someone-a-season-reason-or-a-lifetime/)
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I forgot to ask before but what's the campground rule?
 
Hi Steve,

My vote is for you to start seeing Kaitlyn. It is my strong belief that love is hard to find. When you do find it, you should pursue it. To me age doesn't matter, but I know some people have a problem with it.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I'm really not sure what to say in this situation. I do think that a big age difference could lead to potentially damaging relationship dynamics. Sometimes age and money induces a power dynamics that makes consent dubious!
At the same time... maybe she knows what she's doing. I hear some gen Z people are surprisingly mature when it comes to sex and relationships since they didn't grow up with the same taboos - so maybe you'll be learning from her instead life experience instead of the other way round ;)

I think you can't mess up too much by doing a second date and just talk some more to see if your expectations are really compatible. As Kevin puts it, real connection is hard to find. So don't leave her hanging for too long :)
 
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Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

  • ENM involves rethinking relationships, a totally new paradigm, in which being at different life stages and different ages doesn't matter as much as it would with monogamy
  • Maybe a 20-ish-year-old seeking something casual would be a better match for a married older man than a 30-ish woman seeking to have a family of her own...but maybe a 40-ish-year-old woman who is experienced in ENM would be even better...
  • And you're not a "creep" because you aren't deliberately pursuing younger women or uninterested in women your own age
  • But 19 seems pretty young, like basically I would think of them as a kid
  • However, the trouble with being 19 is that everyone around you is also a clueless 19-year-old (especially 19-year-old boys!), so I can see the appeal of dating an older man when I was 19
  • Except, I did date an older man (age 28) when I was 19 and it was dreadful for me...but that was because the guy wanted commitment / monogamy / family and he was very possessive of me and jealous of my college friends...
  • But later I had a FABULOUS experience as a 24-year-old casually dating a 42-year-old dude...I still remember the sex fondly, 20 years later...this guy was a confirmed bachelor sleeping with many women of various ages at the time...and although that situation wouldn't impress me now that I'm his age, it was exactly what I needed at the time; and yes I learned a lot about myself sexually, and it was super fun exploring with someone older and more experienced
  • A kind and thoughtful man in a healthy ENM marriage might have been a better "older man" for my younger self to date; so, I understand what this 19-year-old might find appealing about you
  • However, gosh, sophomore in college seems like a REALLY big maturity gap. There's a big different between age 19 and age 22/24...graduating college and getting a job, etc. Lots of growing up to do in one's early 20s
  • But I know what she means about wanting to focus on school and maybe have something more casual with a guy who is mature enough to accept that (and hopefully will encourage her NOT to be monogamous with him)
  • But I mean, 19, I don't know, she graduated high school 2 years ago (or even last year??) and can't legally drink in the US...
  • Oh, also, a big drawback of being a young woman is that MANY guys do not know how to, or do not want to, give oral sex to women (and, as a young woman I could not assert myself enough to ask for this...hence, the appeal of the 42-year-old dude...)
  • But there it is again, a young woman may not know how to assert herself / ask for what she wants / say what she doesn't want / fully consent...so there is a power imbalance
  • It could depend on what kind of life experience/dating experience she's had (some 19-year-olds are more mature than others) and how sure she is of what she wants...if she's sure she wants to explore ENM, she may be having trouble meeting people her own age who are experienced with ENM
  • I remember Amy from your previous posts...Amy sounds mature and confident...but how did this 19-year-old kid become friends with Amy?
  • Anyway, can't hurt to go on another date
  • But keep in mind, everything is a formative experience to a 19-year-old. Make sure she remembers you fondly 20 years from now!
 
"But keep in mind, everything is a formative experience to a 19-year-old. Make sure she remembers you fondly 20 years from now!"

This! So much this!
 
MeeraReed said:
Maybe a 20-ish-year-old seeking something casual would be a better match for a married older man than a 30-ish woman seeking to have a family of her own...but maybe a 40-ish-year-old woman who is experienced in ENM would be even better...
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I would be thrilled if I were to find some woman around my age and similar interests. I matched with quite a few and even dated/had sex with a couple, but it didn't work out, and I got repeatedly ghosted, while the list of un-responded-to chats became way too long for my comfort.

MeeraReed said:
But I know what she means about wanting to focus on school and maybe have something more casual with a guy who is mature enough to accept that
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She said that she dated someone in her freshman year, and it didn't work out well. She said that there was this pressure to always be there for her ex. She couldn't switch off her relationship side and focus on her studies, as she felt that there was some unwritten expectation about spending time, being there during any crisis.
MeeraReed said:
A big drawback of being a young woman is that MANY guys do not know how to, or do not want to, give oral sex to women (and, as a young woman I could not assert myself enough to ask for this, hence, the appeal of the 42-year-old dude.)
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I am not worried about this. Giving oral is one of my favorite things to do. I once drove 6 hours just to give oral to a girl I was dating. I didn't complain, despite having to go back with blue balls. I consider my orals skills as my superpower.
MeeraReed said:
I remember Amy from your previous posts...Amy sounds mature and confident...but how did this 19-year-old kid become friends with Amy?
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Kaitlyn is Amy's sister, so she has some idea about the lifestyle from Amy. I didn't bring up Amy at all, as it would have been very awkward, but she brought it up a couple of times in passing, just telling me about how she knows about her sister's poly lifestyle.

MeeraReed said:
Everything is a formative experience to a 19-year-old. Make sure she remembers you fondly 20 years from now!
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Thanks! This is excellent advice. I will probably text her over the weekend.
 
Texted her and we plan to meet for lunch next week. Thanks for the encouragement!
 
She's her sister? :O Amy must trust you a lot!
 
Having been that 19 y/o dating an older man, 30 year age gap, all I can say is try. Just be open and make sure the communication and expectations are laid out clearly with the ability to talk about them.
 
Sharing my experiences with dating younger people-- I got divorced (after a 30-year relationship/marriage) at 53, back in 2009. I threw myself into the online-dating market. I was not interested in a serious long-term relationship right away, since I had just come out of one. I just wanted to see who was out there and have some fun.

Well, I was inundated with interest from men of all ages, from 19-67. Mostly I was contacted by younger men, since that is the majority of who is on dating sites, after all. I was suddenly seen as a cougar/MILF. I was totally shocked.

I did end up rather suddenly in serious relationship. I just got really lucky. My marriage had gone from bad to numb, so I realized I'd already healed enough to be in a serious relationship with a much different kind of person. In fact, she was a woman, 22 year my junior (Pixie). But she'd been around the block at age 31, and we had so much in common. It was really wonderful. We are still together, 16 years later. :)

Meanwhile, I kept dating others, mostly men. I found my sweet spot, as far as compatibility, maturity, energy, interests, would have been men in their 40s. But most men in their 40s are very involved with their life partners, with their careers and with children. (And often, if they aren't, there's something wrong with them.) So I ended up often dating men younger than 40. I tried to date men closer to my age, but I found them to be too old-fashioned for me.

I was highly selective in choosing whom to date. I chatted with hundreds. I ended up going on first dates with maybe 25 people (3 other women, the rest men) over 10 years. Of those first dates, I had longer-term relationships with maybe 6, lasting 7 months to 2 1/2 years.

Soon after I met Pixi, I met a guy I call my Boytoy. He was 21 when we met. He really pursued me. I found him charming, relaxing to be around, funny, confident, intelligent, intellectually curious. Also good looking, tall (I'm tall too), quite attractive. So we hit it off. It was never serious. We were really well-matched sexually. We'd also chat after sex, support each other with our life and family issues. We saw each other a couple times a month, with some texting in between. He was in his senior year of college. He met Pixie a few times, but I never met his family or friends.

Once he graduated, he worked for a while, then needed to take a "gap year" to "find himself." We went out of touch for a while. During that time he met and moved in with a younger (but still older) woman. I think she was 35 or 37.

Our sexual relationship ended, mostly, and then finally for good when he married her. But we still text often. I'd say we have longish conversations almost once a week. So we went from FWBs to friends, although the attraction is still there. We trust each other and he can tell me things he feels he can't tell other friends. So we've been good friends for 16 years!

5 years ago, just before the pandemic, a 29 year old guy (Aries) started messaging me as a friend on Fetlife. He lived in the same town as me. He was in a mono LTR with a woman he loved dearly (20 years his senior). He prefers older women. He was faithful to her, but he had cheated occasionally in relationships before. He was beginning to realize he was poly at heart. I could tell he was attracted to me, but we kept the lid on it. Unfortunately, his partner was chronically ill and getting worse, and she passed away. I did my best to support him online. After vaccines became available, we met, and the rest is history. I'd finally met the right guy, to be able to have one serious partner of each gender, as was my dream. We've been together 3+ years. :) He appreciates now being able to live polyamorously.
 
@Magdlyn

Thanks for the wonderful response. Your journey is inspiring.

I will just give it a try and see what happens. For all I know, she might find me a bore after a couple of dates.
 
Tinwen said:
She's her sister? :O Amy must trust you a lot!
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I am surprised too. It was awkward as Kaitlyn knows that her sister asked me out and after a few months, I asked her sister out. But I am not sure what exactly they discussed about me and I am also afraid to ask, TBH.
 
You should probably make sure that there's no potential with Amy in the foreseeable future. She's your age, so, if you're in danger of catching feelings should you happen to spend time around both sisters, that might make for some weirdness.

Are you friends with Amy or just acquainted? I mean, since she has to experience, is she a person you would ask for support if you need to discuss a non-monogamy issue? That might also have to stop, you should probably let her be the confidant of her sister.
 
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