Should we tell Hosts about possible awkward tension with ex at dinner party?

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breathemusic

Active member
I mentioned this a tiny bit in my blog, but my partner and I have been conflicted about how to proceed.

We're going to a dinner party with somewhere between 12-16 people tonight at the house of a couple that we're friends with. It's a poly get together so everyone there is poly (I assume, if not they're at least poly friendly). We don't all know each other but we all know the host in some way or another as the invite was made through a large local poly FB group that we're all in.

Here's the thing... my partner's ex has also RSVP'd that she'll be there. My partner and I don't care if she's there and are perfectly ok with being friendly with her. They've been broken up for about 2 years now, so on the surface one would think that it wouldn't be an issue. But their ending wasn't good and she apparently decided to make it super dramatic with a bunch of "I NEVAR want to speak to you again!" stuff. Since then, on the RARE occasion where he's seen her on the street in passing or once instance where we were both at the same poly happy hour, she has pretended he didn't exist. In a large public setting, who cares. At a small private dinner that's really fucking awkward. Yesterday he sent her an email just to make sure that she HAD in fact actually noticed that he was on the guest list so that she wouldn't be caught off guard and sent her a quick text asking her to check email. He's gotten no response.

At this point, we have no idea how she's going to react. I'm 99.9% certain that she wouldn't make a scene, so the only thing I'm not sure of is whether she'll be cordial/nice, or if she'll continue to awkwardly pretend like he's not there, which I can only imagine will be weird to everyone else (again, I could care less).

So here's the question... should I give the host couple a heads up? If there's a chance that she'll act perfectly nice I don't know that it's appropriate to out her and their past and make it seem like she's going to bring drama, but if it does happen, I'd sorta rather they know up front then be possibly wondering wtf is going on and worry that they've done something. (The host couple met all 3 of us well after the break-up so unless they were told, wouldn't know the history).

Cancelling on going isn't an option since I'll be damned if a relationship from 2 years ago is going to force us to have to pick and choose what poly social events that we can go to, seeing as we're perfectly capable of acting like mature adults with her. I'm not just sure what the polite thing to do is in regards to the host couple.

Of course, I'm realizing that if the right thing to do is tell them, I should have done it way before now. ugh.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong. But I think you are working yourself up in anxiety needlessly. Don't ADD to your stress. TAKE AWAY. Stop trying to manage everyone else's comfort or behavior. Manage your OWN behavior so you can experience comfort.

He's already given the ex a polite heads up that he's on the guest list in case she did not notice. She can choose not to go, or choose to go and behave. You don't have to manage any of that.

Hosts throwing a party know the risks in being the hosts. You don't need to manage that for them.

This isn't like "BTW host, just to make you aware, I'm allergic to nuts. Please don't change the menu on my account! The other guests can enjoy them. I would just like to know which dishes have nuts so I can avoid a reaction. Thank you."

You going "BTW host, I want to make you aware that the ex and us don't get along and might not manage to behave right in your house" is you ADDING to potential tension or TAKING AWAY from potential tension? I think it adds, and totally not needed.

If she misbehaves, it's obvious to everyone and it's on the host to ask an unruly guest to leave the premises. They don't need a warning from you to do their host job. They already know they are the hosts and dealing with unruly guests is their job. If they suck at being hosts, don't go to their things any more. Natural consequences.

If she behaves, you giving the host something else to worry about that was nothing in the end? That just makes YOU the one bringing drama to the dinner party. They have seating and menu and what not to worry about already. If all behave what does your unneeded warning show? That everyone else has moved on from the past but you? When you feel anxious about stuff, you spread the anxiety around? :confused: Is that how you want to behave and present yourself to others?

You are 99.9% she will behave, so why focus on the .1% that she will not? :confused: Don't ADD to the anxiety by predicting doom. TAKE AWAY from you feeling less anxious. List ways to cope to bolster yourself.

If she has a cow at the dinner party and the host does not intervene and ask their guest (her) to dial it down?

Your BF can tell the host "I am sorry. My exGF seems to be having problems with my presence. I will make my goodbyes now, and relieve you all of this discomfort so you can enjoy the rest of the party."

Then you and he get to go home and chill and everyone can stare at her for having such a cow people prefer to leave rather than deal with her shenanigans. You guys are out the uncomfortable scene, and her poor behavior at the dinner party is squarely on her shoulders where it should be. Next party the host throws, they can consider their guest list more carefully. Let natural consequences follow.

If you need reassuring because you are feeling less than comfortable but want to attend the social gathering, ask your BF if he DOES have a plan for a smooth exit if things get weird for you. If not, suggest one. Maybe a signal like squeezing his wrist two times fast means you need to talk to him in private about something. And 4 squeezes means "Get me out of here now."

That is something YOU can do right now that is more productive than spreading stress to the hosts.

Cancelling on going isn't an option since I'll be damned if a relationship from 2 years ago is going to force us to have to pick and choose what poly social events that we can go to, seeing as we're perfectly capable of acting like mature adults with her.
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Then go and behave like adults.

Or stay home because your anxiety in this situation is too great, and you choose to skip it in the name of doing SELF CARE. Not in the name of some old ex relationship. Stop framing your life around that old relationship. Frame it around YOU and what you need to feel healthy and good. You don't have anything to "prove" to anyone.

Galagirl
 
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Just go, be cordial and polite to her, and don't worry about it. You are adults, it's been two years, neither you or your SO are responsible for her behavior, or for giving anyone a head's up that she might be an issue. If she has issues with the two of you being there, it is on her to let the host know that or to not attend. If she acts up during the event, just be polite and remove yourself from the situation. If anyone notices, simply respond that they'll need to discuss her behavior with her, and move the conversation along.

As the internet meme says, "I pretend to like people everyday. It's called being an adult. It's why we're allowed to drink booze.";-)
 
Yeah, you guys are right. See, this is why I ask! Originally I was thinking that the hosts should know what they might have to deal with.... but this morning I was thinking "eh, I probably shouldn't really say anything and give things a chance to hopefully go smoothly!"

I've never really had an ex that I couldn't tolerate or be around though, so I just needed some confirmation on the etiquette in this situation!

Thanks!
 
Glad you feel better this morning even though last night you felt kinda anxious.

Could relax and just focus on it mostly likely going well and having a nice time at the dinner.

I think you can handle however it is that it turns out.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Looking back I can see how my post would read as if I was super stressed about this whole situation. I'm actually not really bothered by it hardly at all. I'm definitely going to have a good time no matter what, I just would prefer that the hosts as well as the other guests not have to deal with feeling some sort of palpable weirdness vibe all night.

While sure, if she's at the other end of the table or not really right next to us, she could easily continue to pretend he doesn't exist, whatevs who cares? I just can only imagine how drama filled it could be if the "pretending he isn't there" was extremely obvious to everyone. It's hard to imagine that something like that wouldn't leave everyone else feeling weirded out like "wtf is going on here?"

But yes, at the end of the day, not my circus, not my monkeys (he also just was not sure what the appropriate action is and I happened to have a forum full of poly people that I use and could tap into for advice). We plan to visit our friends and have a lovely meal and hopefully great conversation. This mainly was just a "what's the etiquette about giving the host a heads up about possible drama" question.
 
I just can only imagine how drama filled it could be if the "pretending he isn't there" was extremely obvious to everyone. It's hard to imagine that something like that wouldn't leave everyone else feeling weirded out like "wtf is going on here?"
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I guess I just don't imagine things like that. I figure if there's weirdness that bothers people, they can speak up for their own selves and address it.

As you say...not your circus. Not your monkeys. :)

Galagirl
 
Hi breathemusic,

I tend to think that if the ex gives you the silent treatment, you'll probably notice but others probably won't. In other words if you don't make it a big deal, no one else will. At least that's probably how it will go, I think.

And we can always hope that the ex will turn over a new leaf and be polite to you. It's possible.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If I was the host, I'd like a polite 'no big deal but this may be a thing' heads up. Make it clear you don't want anybody dis-invited or 'given a talking to'. And then go be your regular, polite selves.

But you are also likely be fine not saying anything too. One of those close call situations.
 
Yeah, I was actually thinking "Go ahead and tell the host" at first. I do think it's a close call.
 
breathemusic said:
Since then, on the RARE occasion where he's seen her on the street in passing or once instance where we were both at the same poly happy hour, she has pretended he didn't exist. In a large public setting, who cares. At a small private dinner that's really fucking awkward.
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So, there was a bad breakup and in the two years since, she said she never wants to talk to him again and proceeded to do exactly that. She has left him alone and ignored him.

The two of you, by contrast, have contacted her to make sure she knows you'll be there (I'm sure she saw the list) and have contemplated calling the host couple to make absolutely sure they KNOW she's a trouble maker who might go making trouble and causing awkwardness and upsetting their party.

There are going to be 12 to 16 people at this party. I bet not a single person even notices she and he don't talk in a group that size.
 
Talking to the host(s) beforehand is sub rosa communication, & kinda edging into what some call triangulation, building a coalition against the ex "just in case she goes completely nuts & starts throwing shit, which, you know, could happen..."

Not good, but that's just my opinion.

It strikes me as funny/sad that at least once during the evening someone will blithely natter on about how "communication" is CENTRAL to polyamory & everyone will backpat themselves for being such GREAT communicators, & nobody will admit there's a whole troop of 800-pound gorillas blocking the view, much less bring this up as a "proper" topic for discussion.

:rolleyes:
 
Ravenscroft said:
Talking to the host(s) beforehand is sub rosa communication, & kinda edging into what some call triangulation, building a coalition against the ex "just in case she goes completely nuts & starts throwing shit, which, you know, could happen..."
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Exactly. It's triangulation. It's making sure (or trying to make sure) you draw the host in against her from the very start, when she hasn't actually done anything. But now you've got the host looking at her funny, just waiting, prepared to get her back in line--and therefore already prepared to interpret anything she does as potential trouble-making.
 
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I disagree about triangulation. That would depend on intention, no? It isn't kind to assume that someone is being manipulative. Whether or not you tell the host I think would depend on your relationship with them. Personally I wouldn't tell them any more than I'd tell anyone else who was attending. I don't know that they're privileged to that information as hosts, so telling them could potentially be a breach of privacy. I think the best course of action is to check in with the offended party, because that's all that's your responsibility to do, really.
 
The way I see it, if the only way you're used to thinking is manipulatively then it's hard to imagine that other people aren't also trying to be manipulative, even though it may be the case that they really aren't. To my understanding, triangulation is basically a manipulative communication style that involves excluding one party in order to gain an edge over them.

In this case, the OP has actually communicated with that party, and has no intention to manipulate anybody. There's a difference between "X and I have a problem, please watch out" and "X and I have a problem, is that going to be a problem for you?" I've certainly told friends about problems I have with other people if I know that we'll be in the same place at the same time, it has nothing to do with triangulation, it's just appropriate in some cases to let people know.
 
:rolleyes:

Intent has NOTHING to do with it.

Is someone about to stand up & make the case that people employing negative behaviors (triangulation, passive aggression, narcissism, emotional abuse...) simply woke up one morning & said, "Hey, y'know, I'm going to go screw people around & treat them in an underhanded & dishonest manner!!"

Again: :rolleyes:

Those little underhanded tricks are all around us. Very few people have grown up with no exposure to them. We may even have seen someone use them with longterm success. And when we're pressured, it sometimes becomes tempting to be mean (coercive, divisive, spiteful) rather than face up to a situation & act like an Adult.

In this situation, that would mean something like stop talking yourselves into a preemptive panic, cowering under the covers in fear of the Closet Monster.
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anita said:
if the only way you're used to thinking is manipulatively then it's hard to imagine that other people aren't also trying to be manipulative, even though it may be the case that they really aren't.
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Ah -- so only people who ARE passive aggressive can RECOGNIZE passive aggression...? Interesting -- as I've more generally found the opposite to be true. Please explain.
anita said:
the OP has actually communicated with that party
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Um... no. Diametrically wrong:
breathemusic said:
He's gotten no response.
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Again, please explain. Are you perhaps posting about a different thread...?
anita said:
There's a difference between "X and I have a problem, please watch out" and "X and I have a problem, is that going to be a problem for you?"
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A false dichotomy, & kinda manipulative, as it takes a range of potential messages, & trims them down to a Bad one & a Good one -- like a card force. What the OP (of THIS thread, anyway) actually posted was
breathemusic said:
If there's a chance that she'll act perfectly nice
I don't know that it's appropriate to out her and their past
and make it seem like she's going to bring drama,

but if it does happen, I'd sorta rather they know up front then be possibly wondering wtf is going on and worry that they've done something.

I'll be damned if a relationship from 2 years ago is going to force us to have to pick and choose what poly social events that we can go to, seeing as we're perfectly capable of acting like mature adults with her.
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It is NOT "politeness" -- it's a preemptive strike against someone who is being painted to us as The Enemy (coalition building, a.k.a. triangulation).

The reality is that The Enemy doesn't want to buddy up to her ex. Oh, how TERRIBLE. :eek:

Everything else, all the panic scenarios, the anger, the defensiveness, the crafting of tactics & strategy, the seeking for support from people here, is the OP preparing to defend ragtag civilization against a one-woman Zombie Apocalypse. :p

And I choose to believe that breathmusic is a much better person than that, & mostly needs to calm down & be Adult.
 
I think this is not triangulation at all. The OP isn't asking the other person to be removed, or even talked to. It's really just how to best handle a potentially awkward social situation. That's it. Not manipulative, not abusive, not out to get the other. The hyperbole is just not warranted.
 
Yes but it is still going to paint the ex in a negative light. Someone who has not done anything wrong. Why talk ill of someone who has done nothing wrong towards the host. If the ex is going to act orut then let them act out. They will look like the asshole. Where as the op and her partner will look like shit stirrers if the ex behaves themselves after a "heads up".
 
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