Signing up for Part Time Relationship?

C

confused88

New member
BF and I have been together for 2 years, he was married for a long time before that and things ended when she didn't want to try Poly (they only did swing back then). We were together going thru the trauma of his divorce so Poly stuff got put to the back burner.

Now he is wanting to explore the Poly stuff and what that looks like. I have become very comfortable with having a life with him and spending a lot of time together. Now my fear is that if I agree to stay in this relationship and try Poly, but stay Mono am I signing up for a part time relationship/partner for the rest of my life?

I have always felt that when I love, I love "hard", I try to give my partner all of me, make them a priority and be there for them. I am just nervous that now, when I need him, he may not be available and that scares me.

I know I have the option of trying Poly as well, but I hate dating ! Small talk and nerves and trying to get to know someone well enough to see if you want to date them. I am much more a fan of the comfortable stage, where the other person accepts you and doesn't judge and you don't have to worry about being Perfect. I have that with my bf but not sure what Poly means for me right now.

What are the benefits to a mono, besides making their partner happy?
 
My guys are both mono, and they enjoy having down time where they can focus on their interests. PunkRock is a prolific painter, and he loves having the evenings when I'm with DarkKnight to spend just doing that.
 
If you open up the relationship yrs it could potentially be for the rest of your relationship. If he's with another partner you cant decide you aren't comfortable and demand he stop seeing them. You also can't dictate how close he gets to other people. You could in fact be losing half the time you have with him now, are you okay with that? Although I've found it helpful to sync dates with others so we don't lose time with each other. So if you have a boyfriend and your other boyfriend has a girlfriends then if you both see your other partners at v the same time you don't sacrifice time
 
My situation probably isn't all that common... but according to my mono Hubby, the benefit to him of having me in a polyamorous relationship is that I have someone else who'll listen to me babble about my writing, give me emotional support when I'm struggling, and take me to social events. While Hubby does okay with the emotional support, he isn't big on listening to me talk about my writing (I'm a published author) and he hates social events, so he benefits from S2's willingness to do those things.

In more general terms, no one can be *everything* their partner needs. A mono person can benefit from their partner's polyamory because rather than the poly person expecting their mono partner to *try* to be everything, or to do things that are outside their comfort zone or against their personality, they can find another partner to fill the roles and needs the mono partner doesn't.
 
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Hi confused88,

Re (from OP):
"What are the benefits to a mono, besides making their partner happy?"
Click to expand...

Three words: more "me time."

That me time can be used for anything from dating to clubs to classes to socializing to movies to hobbies to hiking to working out to posting on Polyamory.com (like I do). :) Take your pick, mix and match, whatever interests you the most.

Think about it ... You have more me time; then, when your boyfriend returns to you, you have all your interesting adventures to share with him, as well as romance and enjoying his company.

I know, I know; not interested; not your cup of tea. But, I'm in a V where I only get "half a partner" (the hinge), and I greatly enjoy the me time that I get out of the bargain. So that's why I mention it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Murf likes his me time. He misses me while I am gone but he enjoys that he doesn't have to feel guilty about needing time to himself. He can catch up on sleep or putter in the garage. Plus he never gets bitchy burnout me.
 
I don't really understand the trepidation about it potentially being a "part-time" relationship. It's the "part-time" that confuses me. Is your BF glued to your hip 24/7? Doesn't he have friends, hobbies, work, family obligations that necessitate being away from you from time to time? Don't you have other people and things in your life besides him to occupy your time?

If he is fully present with you when he is with you, and the time you spend together is quality time, and you feel respected, valued, heard, and important to him, how would what he does and whom he sees when he is not with you mean he is only a part-time boyfriend? Would seeing another GF two days a week, for example, be any different, in terms of time available to you, than his going to a Meetup or workshop, what-have-you, with a buddy for an interest/hobby he has that you do not share with him? Do you two live together? Do you need him by your side at all times?
 
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I think you can also underestimate the impact of making your partner happy. I am the (currently) mono partner of a poly women and I have been her partner for a long time. Her expressing her poly feelings and acting on them (I.e having a lover as well as a husband) has certainly made her a lot happier which has led to her being more relaxed, attentive and more loving to me. And has by necessity greatly improved our communication and our openness. This has also led to an improvement in our sex life as has her exposure to new experiences. So for me many benefits.
 
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nycindie said:
I don't really understand the trepidation about it potentially being a "part-time" relationship. It's the "part-time" that confuses me. Is your BF glued to your hip 24/7? Doesn't he have friends, hobbies, work, family obligations that necessitate being away from you from time to time? Don't you have other people and things in your life besides him to occupy your time?
Click to expand...

Perhaps I can provide a perspective on the 'trepidation' as you specifically describe it (hopefully the OP won't mind me butting in. :) (if they do I'll delete and repost as a separate topic...)

It's not about being glued together 24/7, but everybody's need for "alone time" varies. If you personally need more, then spending too much with people would make you feel uncomfortable for sure. Then again, if you need more people variety in your life, you'd go for friends or other family.

But there are some people (like me--maybe like OP? don't know) who find it difficult to realize that the person they very much enjoy spending lots of time with in a successful relationship could not have the same continued desire, especially after the rosy-colored glasses period of initial bonding has passed.

Time spent with my partner in meaningful activities and bonding is what deepens the relationship for me. If all I get is 50%.... well, somehow that equates to 50% more superficiality for me. I just don't get close to people I don't spend a lot of time with. It wouldn't get any deeper over a period of years, either. It's proximity, familiarity, exposure to habits, the specific setting of "home" that deepens it.

I just wouldn't be able to have a deep relationship with a "friend" I see every 2 years, for example. They'd be an acquaintance, nothing more.

So it's not entirely about being respected, trusted, loved and supported. Not to minimize any of those essentials.

Because I personally enjoy "relationship" like that--very deep and involved--I pursue it as such, it feels natural to me. I do my best to deepen intimacy, conversation, activities *with that one person* because I enjoy pushing my boundaries with that person, and I feel that saying one person can't be everything doesn't cover how much depth 2 people can have together. It's the exploration *with this partner* that is cherished, not filling in the gaps with other people.

Just my 2 cents, would like to know if this was useful in any way!
 
You didn't get what I was saying. If a person is fully present and attentive when he is with me, he is there 100%. If I am fully present and attentive to my lovers when I am with them, I am there 100%. What I do or who I am with when I am not around does not mean I am only 50% present when I am around.

If someone who lives with a spouse worked 50 hours a week and only had two hours each evening to spend with their partner before going to bed, plus some time over weekends between chores and activities with friends and relatives, they can still have meaningful interaction, heartfelt communication, and develop deep bonds of intimacy and familiarity over time. Why would it be different if they spend 40 hours a week at work and 10 hours a week with a lover? It's quality of time I am talking about. The idea of it becoming "part-time relationship" just because you are not the only person your partner wants to spend time with, seems to indicate an emphasis on quantifying shared interactions rather than qualifying them.

Sure, it's totally possible a person would be flighty and unfocused while trying to manage more than one relationship, and do it poorly, but I am saying that if it is a good and successful relationship, and the people we are involved with are considerate and take care of the people they are involved with, then one's partner having outside interests, friendships, or other relationships should not *automatically* be equated with getting short-changed by them. Poly scenarios don't mean that you go around calculating the percentages of what you are giving or getting - ideally, one is trying to be the best partner they can be, to whomever they are with at the time.



SuddenlyStoneElf said:
Time spent with my partner in meaningful activities and bonding is what deepens the relationship for me. If all I get is 50%.... well, somehow that equates to 50% more superficiality for me. I just don't get close to people I don't spend a lot of time with. It wouldn't get any deeper over a period of years, either. It's proximity, familiarity, exposure to habits, the specific setting of "home" that deepens it.

I just wouldn't be able to have a deep relationship with a "friend" I see every 2 years, for example. They'd be an acquaintance, nothing more.

So it's not entirely about being respected, trusted, loved and supported. Not to minimize any of those essentials.

Because I personally enjoy "relationship" like that--very deep and involved--I pursue it as such, it feels natural to me. I do my best to deepen intimacy, conversation, activities *with that one person* because I enjoy pushing my boundaries with that person, and I feel that saying one person can't be everything doesn't cover how much depth 2 people can have together. It's the exploration *with this partner* that is cherished, not filling in the gaps with other people.

Just my 2 cents, would like to know if this was useful in any way!
Click to expand...
 
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nycindie said:
You didn't get what I was saying. If a person is fully present and attentive when he is with me, he is there 100%. If I am fully present and attentive to my lovers when I am with them, I am there 100%. What I do or who I am with when I am not around does not mean I am only 50% present when I am around.
Click to expand...

Does this interpretation makes more sense? Your criteria for someone being there 100% is much different than mine. You're present 100% when you are together, and that is enough for you, since the time spent together doesn't matter as much--you get enough out of the time you *do* spend together.

nycindie said:
If someone who lives with a spouse worked 60 hours a week and only had two hours each evening to spend with their partner before going to bed, plus some time over weekends between chores and activities with friends and relatives, they can still have meaningful interaction, heartfelt communication, and develop deep bonds of intimacy and familiarity over time. It's quality of time I am talking about. The idea of being a part-time relationship just because you are not the only person your partner wants to spend time with is quantifying shared interactions rather than qualifying.
Click to expand...

Someone being present 100% of the time for 2 hours a day would never be enough for me. I could never call this person a "spouse" and would probably not have married them. I'd never get to know them at all, nevermind develop a bond that leads to marriage.

If we had already been married with a quasi-permanent change in hours like that (something I couldn't look forward to ending) I'd be in a different kind of part-time relationship. I'd even end that relationship, because to me that 2 hours would never be enough to amount to a meaningful continuation, it doesn't constitute meaningful time for relationship-building--for me.

2 hours per day... I just don't learn anything about anyone with so little time with them, when it already takes an hour just to relax after coming home from work.

I just *need* more time to develop intimacy. I am guessing your skillset at developing closeness is incredibly higher than mine and the people I tend to date.

Here's a crude example. Two employees take different amounts of time at work to complete a task. Is the one who takes longer purposefully hoarding the hours for extra pay? Probably not if they are less skilled at accomplishing the task. On the other hand if they're extra skilled... heck yeah it becomes quantifiable.
 
Thank you

Thank you for the input. This has been a topic that I have thought a lot about and am continually trying to understand and work on.

To respond to a few of you, yes I enjoy my alone time. I currently do not live with my bf, we see each other during the week for lunches or dinners anywhere from 1 day to almost everyday, and we spend the entire weekend together. Friday night-Sunday night. We have talked about living together, but it will probably be a year or so until that happens because of finances.

So no he is not by my side 24/7. Most weekends he spends Sunday's on his own pursuing hobbies I don't share. I try to do dinner with friends a couple times a month as well. And we spend time with friends mutually as well.

One thing that concerns me is that he doesn't have a lot of friends. There are people he used to swing with that he might see once in a blue moon, but he does not have the social network that I do. When I am out during the week with friends, he is home alone. He has expressed some anguish at not having more friends and people to spend time with, and I have helped where I can. But part of me wonders if maybe the pull to poly has more to do with trying to compensate for insecurities.

I would like him to have a better group of friends, sometimes it feels like he can only successfully be friends with people he has slept with or wants to sleep with and that makes me a little Leary if that makes any sense.


Back to the point of my main thread, I guess I still have a lot of things to think about. I wonder about who he will take to events, how holidays will go, how feeling left out of certain areas of his life will feel. I just never contemplated agreeing to a life with someone where they choose to spend time with multiple partners. It is a lot to wrap ones head around and sometimes I get caught up in the "does the good outweigh the bad" cycle.
 
What events are we talking about? With friends he could take both of you or switch off between the two of you depending on availability. Work events depends on how out you are who goes with him to his.

Holidays are easy I see both guys.

Why would you be left out of any area of his life?

I live with both my husbands. I am at each house as close to 50% of my free time as I can. I spend every other weekend with Murf.

You're honestly worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. There is no guarantee that he will find another partner that is interested in dating someone who is poly. Men have an especially hard time finding women who will date someone who already has a girlfriend. So if he does find someone she will most likely be poly herself and have other partners who she spends time with.
 
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