Skeptical of a new other

L

LunaBun

New member
My husband is beginning a new relationship with a woman who has a history of drug addiction, at this moment her addiction is controlled with the use of prescription drugs but she is not undergoing any sort of treatment, NA or anything of the like. In no way am I judging her for working to overcome an addiction but I am skeptical and concerned for a few reasons: she’s been on the prescription drug for 8 years with no end in sight, she is still being financially supported in part by her parents and my husband is himself a recovering addict, we have young children and I have personal experience (in my family) with addiction and it’s far reaching damage.
My attempts to raise my concerns with him are met with annoyance and hostility, he sees them as a way to “just find something wrong with her.” Since transitioning to poly, I have had a few relationships on my own but he has yet to have one on his own. His frustrated with this and says things like “you’re getting all the good things and I’m getting all the bad!” I’m afraid that he wants a relationship so badly that he’s missing the red flags here. Am I overreacting? I haven’t asked him to end the relationship (we don’t have a veto arrangement) but I have made it clear that I will act in the best interest of myself and our children.
 
LunaBun said:
I’m afraid that he wants a relationship so badly that he’s missing the red flags here.
Click to expand...
Hello LunaBun,
it sounds like this might well be the case. I'm afraid though that, since your experience with addiction in the family cannot be transferred easily, this is the case where he will have to do his own mistakes. If it's indeed not good for your husband to pursue a relationship here, he will very likely find out in due time. Of course it's painful to watch him getting burned. But who knows, maybe she's ok enough for the kind of relationship your partner wants after all?
So my take is, do protect yourself and the kids, but let your husband have his own experience, good or bad. If at all possible.
Good luck,
Tinwen
 
Hello LunaBun,

I don't blame you for being concerned about the woman your husband has picked out to date. It sounds like she has a pretty messed-up history, and she does not have her proverbial shit together at this time. When you try to reason with your husband, he just digs his heels in all the deeper. Perhaps you are at the point where you have to decide what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. I hope this doesn't mean a divorce, but if it does, it does. I am sympathetic that he is having trouble finding people, but he is putting his family in danger.

I hope the posts so far in this thread have been helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
His frustrated with this and says things like “you’re getting all the good things and I’m getting all the bad!” I’m afraid that he wants a relationship so badly that he’s missing the red flags here. Am I overreacting?
Click to expand...

I don't think you are overreacting. It would be a concern for me too.

What was his response when you told him you are afraid he wants a relationship so badly he's missing some red flags here?

Galagirl
 
LunaBun said:
my husband is himself a recovering addict
Click to expand...
I missed/misread this part.

Of course this makes things more complicated, both in terms of the risk (or possibly benefits?) of getting involved with another person in recovery, and in terms of talking to your husband about the issues. It's much more likely that by raising concerns about her, he will feel personally attacked.
I still don't think it's clearly wrong that they get involved, but it's potentially much more damaging.

I hope you two can solve the issue with enough compassion and honesty.
 
I encourage you not to focus on whether they are addicts, whether she is on any medication or whether she lives on her own, but to focus on what is actually happening right here, right now. With addicts and the codependents who are in relationship with them (and addicts are codependent by definition in my book, so codependents all around) it is super easy to fall into worry about what other people might do. Focus on what is actually happening and not on what you worry might happen. Is her behavior acceptable and respectful? Is his behavior acceptable and respectful? Whatever the reason for good or not-so-good behavior, it's still the behavior of the person.

I tend to agree with Tinwen that when you agree to poly, you have to take a generous position and allow your partner to make his own choices and experience his own relationships. If this new GF is medicating and not really addressing the emotional source of her addiction, then your husband will discover that soon enough - the relationship will falter. Your adding commentary will not help and it will likely come off as negative judgement. As we remind ourselves in AlAnon, "Unsolicited advice is perceived as criticism." People get into relationships not just to have fun, but to learn and grow. No matter what, you can be confident that your husband has the opportunity to learn and grow in this situation.
 
Having a drug addict in the family I understand your concerns but I don't think anyone Poly has the right to choose or veto their partners partners. (my opinion).

I think you are right to protect yourself and your family but I felt a some of what you say came over as bit judgemental. You imply she you are skeptical (i.e critical) for her for using prescription medicine and for some financial reliance on her family. So if she was off the prescription medicine and financially stable would you be 100% happy?

Because someone is/was an addict we should judge them on their behaviour and its effect on other people, if its not harming other people then I feel we have to be careful about being judgemental. I have never tried illegal drugs ever, but I have met several successful and functioning alcoholics and cocaine users, who exhibit no bad behaviour, yes they are damaging their health but no more than smokers and people who over eat. I just feel you should focus on behaviours and not who someone is or was.


You said she was recovering with the help of prescription medicines and had been on them for 8 years. Does that mean she has been clean of the drug that she was addicted to for 8 years? If so that's something really positive, isn't it?

However, one thing jumped out at me, that I felt was needed commenting on:

I don't know what the prescription medicine she has but you seem to think she should be coming off it. I think you need to be very careful with that idea. From my experience SOME addicts become so because they self-medicate for an underlying problem that could possibly be dealt with by conventional medicine. Addiction is much higher amongst people with GAD, PSTD, BPD, Depression, Fibromyalgia, IBS etc all of these conditions can be helped with treatment. So if an ex-addict is taking something none addictive like Paroxetine or other SSRI medicines or a Benzodiazapine replacement like Etifoxine then there is no problem with them being on these for life if they ameliorate an underlying problem and prevent a return to addictive drugs. Even a regular prescribed benzodiazapine medicine is better than a return to illegal uncontrolled drugs.
 
Last edited:
zigzag said:
I don't know what the prescription medicine she has but you seem to think she should be coming off it.
Click to expand...

I got the impression that LunaBun is not making a call about the prescription so much as she is concerned that the GF isn't involved in any recovery program that would address the underlying reasons for the addiction. Simply abstaining is only the first part in a recovery process that makes for a long term life change. If the GF is only abstaining and doing nothing else to understand her addiction, codependency, emotional history and current fears, then a prescription medication simply keeps her in a holding pattern. In and of itself, it's not a complete recovery program.
 
Last edited:
FallenAngelina said:
I got the impression that LunaBun is not making a call about the prescription so much as she is concerned that the GF isn't involved in any recovery program that would address the underlying reasons for the addiction. Simply abstaining is only the first part in a recovery process that makes for a long term life change. If the GF is only abstaining and doing nothing else to understand her addiction, codependency, emotional history and current fears, then a prescription medication simply keeps her in a holding pattern. In and of itself, it's not a complete recovery program.
Click to expand...

That is true of things like methadone for heroin addicts and diazapam for alcoholics which are short-term substitutes and part of a programme, but not true of drugs that deal with the underlying biochemistry which is the reasons SOME people use illegal drugs in the first case. Drugs such as as SSRIs, TCAs and Anxiolytics which can help correct malfunctioning cerebral biochemistry in the same way insulin does for diabetics and thyroxine does for people with hypothyroidism are not part of a recovery programme but actually an acceptable long term solution.

I abhor the idea that we should for instance tell a mentally ill person to stop taking the prescription medicine and instead understand their illness, codependency, emotional history and current fears and "get with" a recovery programme to address the underlying issues to make a long term life change. No different for some addicts.

As I said it's a dangerous assumption to assume all post addiction prescription medicines are a crutch.

PS. However, I made this comment on the basis that I found it inconceivable that any reputable doctor would prescribe a short term replacement drug like Methadone for 8 years, with no follow up programme. If they did they should be struck off. 8 Years sounds like something more complex that LunaBun may be missing and jumping to conclusions.
 
Last edited:
zigzag said:
As I said it's a dangerous assumption to assume all post addiction prescription medicines are a crutch.
Click to expand...

I don't see that anyone in this discussion is assuming this or that talk therapy should replace medication for mental illness. You're pressing a counterpoint to an argument that nobody is making.
 
It's extremely easy to stigmatize people who have had dependency issues and use it as a convenient excuse to veto a relationship.

The OP clearly thinks that she should be on a program to come off of prescription drugs and judges her for having parental support. If you're taking a drug for 8 years and it's stopping you from using recreational drugs - You're good. You could stay on that forever. But like zigzag, I disbelieve she is on anything like methadone and probably think she takes an SSRI or similar to aid her mental health which in turn helps her dependency issues

If the OP came in saying she is abusive, steals, lies, takes health risks (unprotected random sex) and that sort of thing, I could understand the issue. But honestly it just sounds like a jealous spouse who has half a legitimate concern and is exploiting it for all it is worth in an attempt to veto the new partner.
 
Last edited:
FallenAngelina said:
I don't see that anyone in this discussion is assuming this or that talk therapy should replace medication for mental illness. You're pressing a counterpoint to an argument that nobody is making.
Click to expand...
The OP is using the use of prescription medication as a pejorative. I'm pointing out that this should not be the case...seems like some other posters feel the same.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top