Sleeping with partner's ex-best friend

T

threefiveeight

New member
Hi poly forum,

Thanks in advance for your help. I am unsure of what to do in this situation.

A little background: "Shane" and I met about 2 years ago and have never dated but been friends with a varying level of closeness for that time. Most of that time, he was in a monogamous relationship, which he recently left. I met "Ben," Shane's best friend for many years, through Shane about a year ago, and we started dating soon after. That was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back, because Shane thought Ben was trying to make him jealous by dating me, since Ben had admitted to similar things in the past. I hadn't realize the extent of their intense rivalry. Shane cut off communication with Ben, which very deeply hurt him.

Fast forward to the last couple months: I was a listening ear to Shane as he went through his painful breakup, and we've been talking more. I see him as a good friend, I feel safe with him, and I'm also very attracted to him (we slept together before I met Ben). He came to visit recently (we all live in different cities now), and I told Ben that I would want to sleep with him. He told me that either he didn't want me to or that he wanted Shane to "take responsibility" for Ben's discomfort over us sleeping together and contact him in some capacity. I have felt like this is an issue between me and Ben, separate from his relationship with Shane, so it would've felt very weird to ask Shane to reopen an old wound just to have casual sex with me. So instead, I didn't sleep with Shane. But it didn't feel authentic--I felt like the boundaries were arbitrary (we can cuddle and connect on a deep emotional level but we can't see each other naked?). (For a little more background, we have maintained a poly philosophy of near-total anarchy--I think Ben set this precedent when he stayed with a person who was cheating on her husband for many months despite my protests and almost leaving him. I was hurt by that situation, because I felt like I had no say in creating the terms of our relationship. We've been in a healing process from that for a long time now.)

I told Ben about my feelings afterward and said that I really want to sleep with Shane next time we are together. Ben repeated that he would only feel comfortable with it if Shane took responsibility, but I don't think he needs to be involved. I see my relationship with Shane as separate from his relationship with Shane, though I can understand how my mentioning him is triggering of that hurt for Ben and also makes him very jealous. My suspicion is that Ben is levying a tax of sorts on Shane for "getting" to sleep with me, because he wants to deprive him of something he wants or force him to do something painful to get what he wants.

Is he right to ask that Shane contact him to make him feel better about us? Am I just being selfish by wanting to sleep with Shane? I don't want to hurt Ben, but I really feel a connection with Shane and feel like any hurt that relationship triggers for Ben is something for Ben (and I) to deal with and work through. Do you agree/disagree? I am worried that I can't see my own biases.
 
Last edited:
If Ben and Shane haven't been in contact with each other for ages, why would Ben insists that Shane contact him now? Doesn't make any sense to me. Sounds like he wants to lord it over Shane that he has some sort of ownership over you.

That isn't very anarchistic, obviously.

Your sexuality is yours to express as you see fit. You don't need anyone's permission or rules to be your own person and share your body, mind, or heart with whomever you wish.
 
Thank you very much for your input, nycindie. You validated what I'm feeling and in much better words than I could. I really appreciate it.

Any other insights are greatly appreciated.
 
Hi threefiveeight,

It seems to me that the communication divide between Ben and Shane is a matter for Ben and Shane to work out between each other, not something you should be involved in.

So much for philosophy. What do you suppose will happen if you have sex with Shane without getting Ben's permission to do so? Are you willing to live with that consequence? What are your priorities?

If you're hoping for the right words to say to Ben to convince him of your position, I'm afraid I don't know what those words are. Sounds to me like Ben and Shane are locked in a Mexican standoff with each other, and neither of them is willing to back down. I think the more convincing the argument you can present to Ben, the deeper he will dig in his heels. So I wouldn't even bother making the attempt.

If those two guys are really best friends, then both of them need to do some growing up. I mean come on, jealousy games? What's up with that?

Don't mean to offend, but those are my observations.
 
kdt, thanks for your response. It has definitely been a frustrating conversation--lots of repeating ourselves, going in circles, and feeling like we aren't being heard. Ben and Shane are no longer friends--things slowly deteriorated over the year leading up to Shane cutting Ben off, but either way I agree that jealousy games are very petty.

I feel like I'm standing on much firmer ground from both of your responses, so really: thank you.
 
Poly or no poly, I don't see this ending well. Real life isn't a Lifetime movie of the week where it'll end with everyone mending hurt feelings and walking off to meet a bright new day.

I'd say that if you decide to move forward with this, be prepared to lose Ben and most likely discover that Shane isn't quite so fantastic once he's no longer "forbidden fruit."

As you mentioned in a previous post, you had no problems stepping in and policing Ben's relationship with another woman. Is it really such a big deal to take a pass on a roll in the hay with this particular guy that your partner has a valid issue with?
 
That was a confusing read to me. Let me repeat back what I understand of the key points in the chronology. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

RECENT PAST

You shared Shane with sex once. Then later started dating his friend Ben. Shane had cut off contact with Ben because of weird jealousy stuff.

Fast forward a year. Shane is coming to visit. You want to share casual sex with Shane and ask Ben for his goodwill. Ben says he prefers you skip it entirely this visit. Or if Shane is willing to clear the air from that weirdness first, then ok.

You do not want to ask Shane to do that. You choose to skip sharing casual sex with Shane.

PRESENT DAY

You still want to share sex with Shane. You ask Ben again. He says same.

You still do not want to ask Shane to clear the air with Ben first. So that all people in the polymath can be good with each other before you begin a new sexual relationship with Shane. Why? What makes it hard to do?

You seem to want to justify the temptation to skip it by citing (anarchy model) and (Ben's past faux pas with cheating affair.) At the same time you talk about how you both are still healing from the behavior. So why would you repeat similar behavior that did not serve you guys well last time? So you get MORE things to have to heal from? Baffling. :confused:

MY OPINION
You are free to do as you want any time... but you are not free from the consequences of your choices. You could go ahead if you want. Let the chips fall where they may.

Is he right to ask that Shane contact him to make him feel better about us?
Click to expand...

You ASKED him for his preferences. He's answered you and told you what it takes for him to be good with it.

Me? I think it is easier to tell Shane you would like to share sex with him but that you'd like to make sure he and Ben are good and clear first rather than add more to previous UGH they have between them. Then ask if Shane is willing to attend such conversation if you organize the meeting time. He's either up for clearing the air with Ben or not. That's better to me than you adding new dings to the (you + Ben) layer if you sleep with Shane without Ben's goodwill. And to the (Ben + Shane) layer of the polymath as well.

You seem to want Ben's goodwill -- otherwise why bother asking the dude? Ben is not asking anything weird. Wanting to make peace first from old things before starting new things.

I'm actually surprised Ben is being pretty easy about it. I have certain hard limit "messy people" I would not be keen on my partner dating -- my mother, my sister, my boss. Former ex best friend might be on that for me. There's enough other people in the world without picking "messy ones."

Is it that you fear you won't get any Shane sex if you ask him to do that? Because Shane might say "I don't want to clear the air with Ben. If that means no sex with you, I'm good with it" and then you have to digest that and let go of your want to have sex with Shane?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I'm a little bit confused. You asked Ben how he felt about you having sex with Shane. He told you. You decided that not having sex was better than follow Ben's opinion/requirements on the matter.

Then, because you still want to have sex with Shane, you asked again. What did you think would happen? The situation is the same. You already know that. You just want to have it both ways, you want Ben to suddenly be fine with it so you can just do it without having to deal with the implications (Ben will will bad if the air hasn't been cleared).

Now, I don't know why Ben wants what he wants. It could be an ownership thing ("You had sex with her first, but I'm the one she's with now, so you need to ask me for permission") or it could be something completely different, for instance "I would feel betrayed if you had sex with someone you know has hurt me. If we patch things up, however, I'll be fine with it".

His reasons aren't really important though. We can't go inside his brain and make him want the things you want him to want. He was clear, and then for some reason you asked the same question again and expected a different response.

You can always try to compromise (for instance, see if Ben is willing to be the one contacting Shane first so you don't have to be the mediator) but right now your options are: not having sex with Shane (which you seemed to find the better option earlier since that's what you pick) or bring Ben up with Shane (which to be honest, I don't understand how it's even possible it hasn't happened yet. You guys are dating and you met through him. If you're still close to Shane, how come you never talk about Ben? If you do talk about Ben, how come you've never brought up that Ben wants to patch things up but is hoping Shane will take the first step?)

The whole situation confuses me a lot because it kind of feels like you want them to stay upset with each other, but also to both date you and be fine with that, and I really don't get it.
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm actually surprised Ben is being pretty easy about it. I have certain hard limit "messy people" I would not be keen on my partner dating -- my mother, my sister, my boss. Former ex best friend might be on that for me. There's enough other people in the world without picking "messy ones."

Is it that you fear you won't get any Shane sex if you ask him to do that? Because Shane might say "I don't want to clear the air with Ben. If that means no sex with you, I'm good with it" and then you have to digest that and let go of your want to have sex with Shane?

Galagirl
Click to expand...

THIS. I see stuff like this happen all of the time, especially with monogamous people dating their previous partner's best friend. Is it just me or do most people who do this seem not to have a lot of options? Don't get me wrong; I'm going to be the maid of honor for a couple like this next year and they weren't in the scarcity position. Most other people I've known who dump their partners and then screw/date their best friends are usually either a.) shady people (whom usually have a history of manipulation and unsavory motives) and b.) people who, for some reason, can't go out and find someone with similar qualities and won't stir up a giant shit-storm. For instance, I've noticed that this kind of thing happens often among people with lower social status and less opportunities or drive to find partners.

I'm ready for the flack I'll receive for my previous statements and this: it's really not a pretty picture. You're not doing anything like dumping someone for their best friend or something, but it can still get really weird, and I'm not talking about the good kind.

Why am I telling this to you? Certainly not to imply that you're not desirable, but to convey to you that there are lots of other kraken in the sea. Don't listen to your libido. Honestly, unless SO says it's alright, you're headed up shit's creek.

I would be very hurt, honestly, if one of my partner's slept with one of my ex-best friends for a lot of reasons, ESPECIALLY if it was an ex-best friend with a history of one-upsmanship.

Good luck. :)
 
seems like a lot of the people in this area are all involved in the same circles so people get passed around quite a bit. Nate has had sex with several of my friends in a lot of the women that he has had sex with that on the set community have had sex with people that we know already. I don't have sex with anybody in the circles just because it just kind of grosses me out the way everyone's been with him everyone else already
 
huh I guess I'm not really that exempt I've had sex with three of the men that my best friend had sex with. she's been with Nate and Sam and I've had sex with her husband Kurt. kurt has also had sex with jane who has had sex with Nate. Nate has had sex with Glenda who has had sex with Kurt. So crazy
 
I believe in recycling!

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating a partner's best friend or ex-best friend, nor in dating ex-partners of close friends. I was part of a very large circle of friends for years and a lots of the single folk dated each other at different times (this was in my pre-polyamorous days - everyone in our circle was monogamous). We were all open and honest about it, and it was fine. We thought about it this way: "So-and-so is a great guy/gal, and it didn't work out between us but it might for you! Go for it!" You should have seen some of the weddings I went to, where at least a dozen people in attendance had dated either the bride or groom at one time or another. Who cares, they found the right mate and we were happy for them, while they valued the experiences their partners had with us in the past.

I never understood people getting possessive over exes or close friends.
 
Last edited:
Inyourendo said:
huh I guess I'm not really that exempt I've had sex with three of the men that my best friend had sex with. she's been with Nate and Sam and I've had sex with her husband Kurt. kurt has also had sex with jane who has had sex with Nate. Nate has had sex with Glenda who has had sex with Kurt. So crazy
Click to expand...

And that's totally fine. It's just that OP's lover has a strained relationship with this person and would feel very hurt. Like I said, I wouldn't be happy about it and I'm a relationship anarchist. Once again, there are so many kraken in the sea. Why pick the ones that'll wreak havoc in your life? Why choose the kraken whom you're significant other isn't comfortable with?

I'm all for sex between friends, so long as no one's getting hurt. Obviously, each person's body is their own and they can do with it whatever they like. But that doesn't mean that it'll always be alright with your partner. At that point, it's up to you.
 
Last edited:
Yup. Nothing wrong with it if everyone is good with it. But Ben is not good with it at this time. He has stated what it takes for him to become good with it and give his goodwill.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Yup. Nothing wrong with it if everyone is good with it. But Ben is not good with it at this time. He has stated what it takes for him to become good with it and give his goodwill.
Click to expand...

Not exactly. There's nothing wrong with it even if someone isn't "good with it." Nowhere did the OP say that Ben has been granted any kind of decision-making power over who she fucks. Threefiveeight has stated that she has a "near-anarchic" kind of relationship with Ben. Ultimately, the decision about whether or not threefiveeight will be sexual with Shane isn't Ben's to make. It is threefiveeight's body and life.

See:
threefiveeight said:
I told Ben . . . that I really want to sleep with Shane next time we are together. Ben repeated that he would only feel comfortable with it if . . .
Click to expand...

He would only be "comfortable with it" if Shane did certain things that Ben wants him to do. But why is it necessary for Ben to be comfortable with the threefiveeight having sex with someone she wants to have sex with just because Ben would rather she not have sex with this guy? Ben's level of comfort is on him, and no one else. I'd say it's a personal "inner work" type of thing.
 
I said before -- OP could choose as they please. Let the chips fall where they may. OP doesn't need anyone's permission to do what they want. I agree one could do as one pleases with one's body. It is their own body.

But in this specific case, the OP at this point in time seems to really want Ben's goodwill. Otherwise why bother posting the question in the first place? To me it seems to boil down to choosing from these wants because it is not looking like Threefiveeight will get all of them:

  • want to share sex with Shane
  • want to maintain Ben's goodwill
  • want to not ask Shane if he's willing to clear the air with Ben.
  • want to ask Ben to sort it out with Shane himself(?)

If all were already good with it, then there would not need to be a need to pause for discernment.

It is possible Shane or Ben could suddenly decide to work it out themselves on their own, but that's their behavior to control. Not behavior within the OP's control.

But why is it necessary for Ben to be comfortable with the threefiveeight having sex with someone she wants to have sex with just because Ben would rather she not have sex with this guy?
Click to expand...

I do not know. Threefiveeight could answer why it would be necessary to Threefiveeight better than me.

I would guess because Threefiveeight wants to keep sharing sex/love with both Ben AND Shane? And not risk losing Ben's goodwill to the point where he withdraws his willingness to participate because she values that?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I am still intimate with my ex-wife, and my current wife (Debbie) and my ex-wife have had sex with the same men on several occasions. It happens. A recent lover that Debbie was with noticed a picture of my ex-wife in our bedroom and asked how we knew her. Debbie told her lover that the woman in the picture was my ex-wife. Debbie's lover told Debbie that he and a friend of his had recently been with my ex-wife. So, it happens, a lot. It is not uncommon.
 
nycindie said:
...You should have seen some of the weddings I went to, where at least a dozen people in attendance had dated either the bride or groom at one time or another.
Click to expand...

NYCindie - I didn't know you were at my wedding!

In high school and college most people dated/sexed within our circle of friends. If they dated outside then those people just enlarged the circle. In a way it made a lot of sense - you knew these people, you knew their history, you knew how they handled relationships, etc. There was surprisingly little "bad blood" despite all of this re-mixing.

For me, I have rarely "looked for" someone to date (I hate dating). I really only ever meet friends-of-friends (by my choice) - so of course that is who I am going to get to know well enough to be attracted to/interested in.
 
My opinion is that Ben is trying to control the situation. The OP has stated that Ben has already admitted to making Shane jealous in the past by dating people he was interested in. Finally Shane had enough and ended the toxic friendship with Ben. Fast forward to where Shane is no longer in a relationship and the possibility exist of one with the OP and the OP wants to at least hook up with Shane. Ben sees a way to control the situation and even probably rub Shane's nose in it by having Shane grovel at his feet.

My advice to the OP would be to drop Ben and let what ever happens with Shane run its course.

Mike
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top