Smelling the flowers

Passive Aggressive Behavior

Two things...
1.) Yesterday I posted on Facebook that that I was at the airport waiting for Bond.

2.) Bond took some amazing photos of the lunar eclipse and posted them to Facebook. He then thanked/tagged everyone that was there that he is friends with on Facebook so we would be notified of the pictures having been posted.

Before we went to sleep he told me that he was having feelings of wanting to keep some things private. He said that I had done nothing wrong with posting to Facebook that I was picking him up, but for some reason when he read it he had internally winced and had the feeling of wanting to keep some things private. We discussed his feelings regarding this and it pretty much narrowed down to him wanting to shield M and not be so in her face with our relationship. He said that she hadn't complained or said anything since she went in the hospital, but that isn't so. She sent him a message about him looking happy and like he didn't need her after pictures of our trip to the sunflower farm were posted. I explained that I started to tag him in things, because whenever she's out with him, she checks-in and tags him, so I started feeling freer about tagging him. She has brought up that they don't have many pictures of the two of them, whereas there are many of Bond and me. We both are quick to acknowledge that B is the reason there are so many pictures of the two of us posted on Facebook. (When you go out drinking with a photographer you can expect pictures will get posted.) I told him that I would refrain from posting things about our activities or tagging him, whichever fit the occasion. He was torn, he doesn't feel like it's right for him to ask that, but at the same time he was relieved. He's an active Facebook poster and he lives so transparently that it's a hard thing for him to ask of me.

In the middle of the night he got a text from M basically saying, "Glad your new family makes you happy......" (<-- six dots, he made sure to relay that)

He lost sleep over the text. He nearly replied in the middle of the night, but held back and this morning after talking to me about it he decided to take the nice route and simply replied, "And I'm glad you're part of it."

So, it appears his radar was right that my posting about the airport would cause feelings to be raw for M. But she chooses to not be active in his life. He had offered to watch the eclipse with her and she had turned him down because she wanted to watch it with her kids and she never extended an invitation for him to join them. She just doesn't like to mix date time with kid time. (They've met him a number of times, so it's not that she doesn't want to expose them to someone she is dating.)

I've been reading about passive aggressive behavior today, brushing up, and I think I'm going t send him some links to articles on it. I know he's pretty well aware of this behavior, but sometimes when you find yourself in the thick of it, it's hard to see what is happening, because they make you feel insane.
 
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/09/non-monogamy-options/
Posted this to our poly Facebook group today.

M just replied with this:

The message I took from this is that I, as a white (bisexual) married-but-not-partnered-in-most-ways-with-him female, am not "non-normative enough" which is exclusionary in its own right. All of the challenges in insurance, housing, marriage, etc. are present for any poly arrangement which includes sharing of income or raising of family. [insert long economic, legal, and social ramble about personal challenges] I acknowledge and support others in their struggle for acceptance and rights. However, my experience is just as valid.​

Seriously?

This comic sheds light on the types of non-monogamy that tend to get ignored...​
 
Petunia said:
So fantastic! The lunar eclipse was spectacular in our part of the world. I hope you got to witness it. We were lucky the clouds cleared off. Bond took this picture using his iPhone and the telescope.

picture.php
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Damn it. Clouds, all clouds is what we had here. (I feel like Pittsburgh is the un-acknowledged "Seattle of the East Coast" - fucking rain all the fucking time! - stuck between the rivers and the mountains = RAIN, that being said, this is the friendliest damn city ever, and I live an hour away.)
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Damn it. Clouds, all clouds is what we had here. (I feel like Pittsburgh is the un-acknowledged "Seattle of the East Coast" - fucking rain all the fucking time! - stuck between the rivers and the mountains = RAIN, that being said, this is the friendliest damn city ever, and I live an hour away.)
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Ugh, so sorry cloud cover ruined the viewing for you. It was really something.

I didn't know that Pittsburgh was a friendly city, good to know. :)
 
Yeah. I have friends who lived in Pittsburgh for a while. They found a very active and friendly poly community there.

The moon did not get over the mountains and the cloud cover here until it was just a bit past full eclipse but it was very cool anyway. We had binoculars out so when our neighbor came over my husband greeted him with a cheery "We are not spying on you but looking for the eclipse". The neighbor had been in his backyard trying to see it as well so was not suspicious anyway.

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
Yeah. I have friends who lived in Pittsburgh for a while. They found a very active and friendly poly community there.

The moon did not get over the mountains and the cloud cover here until it was just a bit past full eclipse but it was very cool anyway. We had binoculars out so when our neighbor came over my husband greeted him with a cheery "We are not spying on you but looking for the eclipse". The neighbor had been in his backyard trying to see it as well so was not suspicious anyway.

Leetah
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Ha! Nice to get that out of the way first thing! :)
 
Just wanted to say that I love the article/comic you linked. :)
 
Petunia said:
I didn't know that Pittsburgh was a friendly city, good to know. :)
Click to expand...

Leetah said:
Yeah. I have friends who lived in Pittsburgh for a while. They found a very active and friendly poly community there.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I didn't realize how friendly it was until I lived elsewhere (namely Philly! - which, even the Pope apparently agrees is beyond redemption). There is a national "Furry" convention here every year - the city just grins and sells them Steelers souvenirs and pierogies.
 
I needed to apologize to Bond today. Last night was date night with Golden and we opted out of meeting up with B and another of our friends, Donna, at 8 pm and instead chose to go to The Martian. After declining, B asked me to text Bond to see if he wanted to join them and said that if we changed our minds that we were welcome. Of course he wanted to join them. But his invite was for earlier, which would have made a difference in our decision and kind of hurt and honestly caused me twinges of jealousy over the two of them bonding without being included.

We had the briefest of conversations in the kitchen before he left. I was waffling about going to the movie or joining them. Golden was cooking.

Bond left. We ate. We went to the movie.

Bond sent some texts saying they were on the hunt for cheese curds and several restaurants. And then a follow-up text with the name of the restaurant they ended up at. Kind of confusing as to why he was texting.

I really enjoyed the movie. I had listened to the book on Audible, so I knew the storyline, and I thought they did a good job with turning it into a movie.

When we got out of the movie I sent a text off to Bond about how good it was and that he has to see it because I know that the math alone will have him geeking over it. Golden had ducked into the men's restroom, so while I waited for him I checked Facebook and got bombarded with pics of the three of them partying it up. Oh, jealousy, you suck.

What I didn't know, and helps explain why Bond was texting me details of where they were heading for food was that he thought we were going to catch up with them. He somehow missed the news that we were going to the movie.

So, being the immature, undeveloped person that I am I let his words about feeling some things need to remain private and not posted on FB eat at me. Actually, they had been gnawing away at me since Sunday already and I let them become a "thing."

Me: Lots of pictures of your night on Facebook.

Bond: Yeah?

Bond: I thought you were coming out.

Me: I never said that. I had already bought movie tickets. I thought Golden might be unhappy if our date night was made into a less than couple thing.

Bond: Oh! I thought when you were mads that B asked you out at 8 that that was your plans!

Bond: It was probably nice having a couples date instead.

Me: (replying before his last message arrived) Nope. She never offered earlier. If it had been I'd probably have been more inclined to say yes.

Bond: Ohhhh. That's why you were talking about movie ticket changes!

This morning when we were getting ready for work Bond said that I sounded angry when I sent the text about the pictures on Facebook. I said something like, "Good, because I was." I explained, in probably not the nicest tone, that I felt like I was the only one that was supposed to not tag him on Facebook - that it was fine if he was tagged by others, but not by me. He was a bit floored that I took his words to mean that, because he had expressly said that I had done nothing wrong and that he didn't want me to change anything. It was on me that I took that to mean, I'm not going to ask you to not do this, but it makes me uncomfortable when you do, therefore, please be respectful and not do this. He said that when I don't take his words at face value that it makes him feel that he can't share his feelings with me.

Gak. I don't want that!

Feeling ashamed.

Sent him an apology via IM at lunch.

Still feeling threatened that Bond is going to get all caught up in B and I'll have to watch that from the sidelines. Wishing I could see him tonight and tomorrow. Feeling like I'm out of emotional balance, a bit too much Golden and too little Bond recently. Disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel threatened when I know damn well I have nothing to fear.
 
Golden and Me - Not A Good Weekend

A weekend at odds with Golden, a day of heartfelt email exchanges, and hopefully we are coming back together stronger with more understanding of each other. It's hard to explain all that happened, so to save time and explain things I am going to post the emails.

From Golden to me: (Monday, October 5, 2015, 1:26 PM)
Subject: I am hurting an I need you just to listen

Hon,

I am not very good at expressing when I am hurt. This email is my attempt to change that. This email is not about you and what you have or have not done. I am sharing with you how I feel and trying to be vulnerable. I am also trying to hold myself accountable for how I feel and why. Part of my process is sharing my feelings with you. As someone I love, I feel it is important that you know when I am hurting and why. The following is my shit to own.

4 painful events in the last week.
- The couch: It was our first date night of the week, I recall you asking me if I wanted to sit by you and I said yes, but I had to go to the bathroom. I came back and you had not move and Bond had now sat by you; there was no room for me to sit next to you. I sat down where Bond had been sitting and waited for you to adjust... Nothing happen.

That moment was painful to me. My perception is that even when it isn't our date night, you ask me to sit by you, which I really appreciate. So in my mind that is a pattern and I expected you to do it again, especially because it was our date night.

I waited and became angry with you and Bond. I decided to take responsibility for my feelings and ask you both to move.

<Owning my shit...>
You got up to get water and when you got back I decided to remind you of the importance of thinking ahead (something very important to me) and allowing space for me to be by you in the future. I should have waited to address this issue, because in that moment I lashed out in angry at you. I am sorry.

- Golden bathroom: It really bothers me how important the master bathroom is to you. I can't really explain it better then that right now. Again you are not doing anything wrong nor do you need to change.

I am just trying to let go of what I perceive has indications that you don't love me. For example, downstairs (Sunday) we talked (almost argued) about my need to have your stuff in two locations (i.e. not just in the golden bathroom) I asked you to split your stuff so that you would have more flexibility and we could spend more time together, aka so you don't have to leave me each morning, we are together, to go to the golden bathroom... You said no.

Logically I understand why you don't want the hassle of duplicate stuff and etc. I can imagine the emotionally appeal you might feel at getting to spend time with Bond each morning you wake up by me. It pains me every morning you leave to go to Bond and the golden bathroom; I feel a loss of time, because that is time we could be spending together. I feel a sense of potential connection and intimacy gone; ultimately, I feel under valued. IMO, this is not about you or Bond, but about me having difficulty with accepting the feelings of lost time, time I feel could be save...if 'only' I was important enough.

In addition, the feeling of you leaving me in the morning to go to the golden bathroom is a *pattern*, a pattern that feels set in stone and one, that right now, I don't feel capable of overcoming.

My fear is that resentment will build over time (it already has started), which unknowingly will lead me to be angry with you all the time. Yes, the angry from this resentment is small, but overtime it could add to an overarching, yet invisible anger. This kind of anger years down the road, if I fail to recognize it (in this future moment), could create problems that would otherwise not exist. I feel this happened with Leah and I don't want this to happen again, if I can help it.

In the end, I am emotionally responding to my sense of loss and I am working on changing my emotional response.

Right now, you leaving in the mornings to go the golden bathroom means I am not that important to you. This is a challenge to my sense of self worth. Lucky, I don't doubt my self worth in general, but I don't know how deflecting my emotional reactions each morning will do to me (as a whole) over time. This is not a logical issue to solve, which sucks...lol, because I am good at using logic; this is a emotional problem I need to learn how to address emotionally.

Example 2, the closets. When I saw that you chose the closet furthest from me that reinforced the pain from earlier that same day (look at ex 1). In my mind it was proof that I was not valued, because if I was important it would have mattered that you use the closet closest to my space. My thoughts/feelings were that the closest closet would allow you to access your cloths and still come downstairs to me, so we don't lose time together.

- Missed Saturday night sleepy time: I was really hurt that we missed the Saturday night opportunity to spend together. Earlier in the day I asked to spend time with you (shopping) and you said no. Logically, I understand why and accept it; emotionally it still stung... and that is ok, you did nothing wrong! The reason I bring this up is because, this earlier event added (among other events earlier in the week) to why that night was emotionally important to me (in hindsight). After I got home Saturday night I had to fight the urge to feel you didn't care about me, because "clearly" the option of staying at the beach was better... I avoided that idea from planting itself, which only lead me to triggering sadness about [ex-wife]. Why I wasn't able to do that with her? Maybe I had too much arching, yet invisible anger towards her after 18 years?... Anyway, I really looked forward to sleeping by you that night, because it felt like it had been, and would be, a while before it would happen again... both I felt to be true later the next day.

- Sunday, I tried to schedule more time with you and failed: On Sunday, the third day since our last date, I asked to setup another sleepy time together. We talked about it a couple of times that day and it was clear to me that you were uninterested in spending with me... That hurt.

It had been three days since we had spent significant time together and we had numerous arguments along the way as well. I think all of this added to my desire to be with you and "repair the damage" I felt had been done earlier in the week? In any case, when staring at the calendar I saw there were fours days with nothing listed (not Bond & you, nor me & you), I thought for sure we could have at least one sleepy time in those four days... otherwise it would be a week from our last date to our next. (A week?!)

I tried hard to explain this to you and show you on the calendar. I did a poor job of explaining my feelings, which I didn't understand at the time. Instead, at the time I felt guilty for taking you away from Bond. Furthermore, in the back of my mind I questioned my need to spend time with you (I was not conscious of all the underling issues that were at play for me). Regardless, all of those previous issues that week magnified the hurt I felt after asking you to schedule time with me. It became evident to me that you didn't see a week between dates as a problem; something I know to be false, but emotionally accepted anyway. Emotionally I was crying out, because the issue seemed obvious to me, but not to you, which made it the pain worst.

To be clear, I am *not* blaming you. I am in pain, but this is for me to deal with. I just need you to listen.

What happened next was the worst pain of all. When I asked you to look at the calendar and see the gap in our time together, I recall you saying, "I feel like hadn't spent enough time with Bond since his trip"... Wow, that was like a spear thrown through my heart. Again this is how I felt and is not your fault.

You left and I looked at the calendar to check, and that made my pain even worst. Looking at the calendar I saw two things. First, last week (the week after Bond's trip) you had spent two days with him. To me this made the statement you hadn't spent much time with Bond 'false'. What I saw was that you spent just as much time, if not more with Bond than me. Again this is a emotional response, not a logical one. Second, Bond's trip was over a week ago, he was gone only for 4 1/2 days, you got time with him the following week.... and you still wanted to spend all of the next four days with him?!

This lead to me being triggered, a trigger created within our relationship that I haven't dealt with directly yet.​

[continued...]
 
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[Email from Golden continued]


<My Petunia & Clem relationship trigger>
It felt like the only reason you spent those 4 days with me, the days Bond was gone, was because Bond was unavailable (again this is a pattern/trigger from our recent past).

Overall I *feel* as though you spend more time with Bond than me. Furthermore, the idea of you spending four days with Bond, doesn't feel much different than the norm. This in stark contrast to what feels like the only time we have ever spent 4 days together... my trigger is about, "Petunia only spend time with me, when she can't spend time with Bond... or doesn't want to spend time with him (see older trigger related to M)". After my last attempt to communicate my needs to you the trigger about us activated. After you left I felt it didn't matter that I was at the beach or not. There I was available and wanting to spend time with you and you would rather spend it with Bond...I felt like I might as well have been on another planet. You could argue I was overreaction, but that is how I felt.

This was the worst hurt of them all... a hurt that I am working on, and is not ultimately your responsibility.

After that I just wanted the day to be over. Within a couple of hour I went from angry and pain to just pain and then I felt apathetic... "whatever, I'll just focus on other things I should be doing anyway". Last night I felt my feelings for us, for our relationship, became less connected, a place of reduce intimacy. I don't know why, maybe to protect myself from future emotionally threats? Again this is my shit to own. I hope this is just part of the normal ups and downs we will have.

If you do chose to help, which I don't know is a good idea, remember this is not a logical issue to solve. So for you and Bond, if he is readings this, please don't use a logical approach with me. There is a good chance that logical attempts to address my shit (aka emotional reactions) may result in devaluing my emotions. I really don't want that on top of what I am already trying to do, which is listen to and honor my emotions.

That is all I have now. I love you, that hasn't changed. I just have shit to work through. I know this isn't a great time, with you moving in and Bond healing from his father's death. I wouldn't be surprised if part of your reason for spending more time with him is to subconsciously support Bond in his time of need, which if is the case, is quite beautiful thing to do. I don't know, who knows and I suppose it doesn't matter; that isn't our relationship. Any how, I don't know what to say, expect thanks for listening.​

[continued...]
 
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We were both writing to each other at the same time, unaware the other was composing an email also.

My email to Golden (Monday, October 5, 2015, 12:47 PM)
Subject: Sorry about sleepy-time scheduling

Hi,

I am feeling really bad, because I think I hurt you. I felt like I had answered the question multiple times and was still being pressured to answer it again. Additionally, I had said that I really felt the need to reconnect with Bond.

I was having an especially hard time with this particular time period, because Bond and I hadn't solidified anything between us yet. I thought maybe we had, but I wasn't certain. It was all a gray area. Today it's not a whole lot clearer. At this point in time all I know is that I have tonight with him, and Thursday and Friday with you. He wants to see if he can set up a date with Bea for one night this week/weekend. I don't know when I'll find out if that's going to turn into an actuality and I have no idea which night that may be. He's checking on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, I think. But if she has an opening, other than Thursday, I'm sure he'll go for it.

Yesterday when you were pressing this, I hadn't had a night with Bond since Tuesday. That Tuesday was the third night in a row, but before that it had been the previous week, Tuesday.

I'm really sorry that Saturday night sleepy time got messed up. I was a bit surprised you didn't drive to my place when we figured out the mix-up, because you were already driving at the time. Are you angry with me about this?

I'm trying to keep my stress level under control in regards to moving. I am worried about getting it all packed. I need to have dishes ready for sending to Don's this Friday. I am stressed that I have too much stuff and that it's going to be problematic trying to fit my stuff into The Beach. I'm worried about my body saying enough is enough and having that happen before I've completed all the things. Etc... So, while I'm attempting to keep calm I may be failing and you may see stress behaviors leaking out in different directions.

Just an FYI: It's hard for me to answer questions about scheduling in person. I have a hard time doing this with either of you. I need time and space to bring up my calendar and to give it thought.

I'm sorry that I hurt you. I love you. It's possible that we can fit a sleepy-time date in before Thursday, but I can't say for certain.​

My reply to his email:

I'm really sorry. I'd like to bury my head in shame, but I'll address these things and hopefully we can repair things and reach understanding of where each of us is, or was, at when these things happened.

The couch: I was totally oblivious that you had returned. I was tired and trying to entertain myself on my phone until we could go downstairs. I was surprised when Bond moved to the couch and remember feeling like it was wrong, but I didn't focus on it and just ignored the fact that he was there and went back to Facebook. What I expected was for you to return to the living room and come to the couch. Which you could have. You could have come into the room and come to the couch and said, "Hey move over," which I'd have been very happy to do.

The only reason I was sitting there was because I was waiting for you to do your homework. I was waiting to spend time with you. I remember being really thirsty, but too tired to make myself get up to get a drink of water. I mention that, because it points out how tired I was. Normally I can pop up and run off on an errand without hesitation. I feel guilty any time I'm tired when it's our date night, because I remember you being unhappy with Rachel for expending her energy elsewhere and then being tired on your date nights. So any time I'm tired on one of our nights I worry that I've unintentionally done the same thing.

I hope my tone was inviting when I asked you if you wanted to sit by me. I remember it being a pleasant exchange and being shocked/hurt when you scolded me. I didn't see it coming and didn't realize what I had done.

Golden Bathroom: Your kids are not supposed to know we are dating. That is such a big factor in all of this. You were so uncomfortable with me showering in one of the other bathrooms that I drove home to shower at my house before going to work once. I expect we'll change our routines once we can be open about our relationship. If I can keep toiletries in the bathroom that would be much easier than having to retrieve them from a closet. I don't want resentments to build up or correlations to be built between the importance of a specific bathroom to the importance of a relationship when they really aren't related. I must say I'm really, really looking forward to not living out of a suitcase or travel bag.

When we were having the argument in the basement yesterday I wasn't even thinking of it in terms of my time with you. I thought we were talking about Bond having guests and why we decided that if he, or I, have guests we'll use the "guest room", thus the need for furniture.

Closets: Never once did I put together in my head that one closet was closer to your room than the other. I did prefer the one over the other because it was further from the door (that doesn't lock) and closer to the corner (that I could duck behind.)

Shopping: I admit that I was a shit about that. I'm not a happy clothes shopper. I rarely shop with friends and when I do I hate it. I usually love running errands with someone, though.

Sleepy-time Saturday Night: I struggled to stay awake until you would get there. I was ready to fall asleep at 10:00, but I wanted to sleep with you so I did my best to hang in there. I think the blame on the mix up is mine. I forgot what I had said about just coming over there. I was thinking we hadn't made a final decision. That night my thinking was that if I walked in the door that M would be upset, so obviously my place would be the better choice, and then later when we figured out the mix up I was physically too tired to drive safely.

Scheduling on Sunday: Felt pressured. Head was killing me. The more you pushed me, the more I felt like I couldn't make a decision. I felt so badly that I wanted to escape and that's why I asked Bond if we could go for a drink before meeting Taylor. When you came in to say good night I wanted to go climb in bed with you.

I thought Bond and I had a verbal agreement/understanding that we were spending Sunday - Wednesday together, so I felt trapped when you were asking me for time. I felt like I would be causing an issue on the other end if I changed things.

Frustrations: I was feeling frustrated with you this week/weekend, because multiple times you wouldn't let me talk. I'd start to explain something, or tell a story, but you would interrupt me with questions. I didn't think I was meandering in the conversation or being obtuse. I wondered if you had skipped your ADD medication or if it was displaced anger at me. Or if I was missing the point - which it turns out I was on several things. Feeling like I can't talk shuts down my communication.

I was tired coming into the weekend. I stayed up fairly late packing Friday night. I woke early Saturday morning. I stayed up late Saturday night and woke up too early. I didn't do well sleeping in my bed. My head was pounding most of the weekend.

The result was that I felt like I couldn't express myself. I couldn't think clearly, because I was tired and my head ached. I wasn't decisive and that added to everything. My language became passive and that's crap. Sorry.

Imbalance: I did/do feel like I need to connect with Bond. And yes, that is partly because he wasn't himself last week following his father's funeral. With you I feel like you really focus and are in the moment when we spend time together, but it's not the same with Bond. He is better at connecting when we are lying in bed talking. I have worries to address and calm about moving in which has heightened things on my end. Does it make any sense that the time I have with you is more when measured in intensity and connection? But it can also cost me more because of its intensity.

I felt guilty regarding my emotions about Bond' trip. I was looking forward to the time with you and not bad about him being gone.

I will work harder to balance things, and to respond to your needs, and to understand your words. I'm sorry.

I hope that this response wasn't too logical. It's hard to defend and explain oneself.

I love you.​
 
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[Continued. Golden's email, 6:07 PM:]

My comments are bellow and in BLUE.

On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 3:24 PM, Petunia wrote:
I'm really sorry. I'd like to bury my head in shame, but I'll address these things and hopefully we can repair things and reach understanding of where each of us is, or was, at when these things happened.
Golden: Please don't be hard on yourself. You did nothing wrong, this is just everyday relationships stuff. Compassion for each other and ourselves is really important.

The couch: I was totally oblivious that you had returned. I was tired and trying to entertain myself on my phone until we could go downstairs. I was surprised when Bond moved to the couch and remember feeling like it was wrong, but I didn't focus on it and just ignored the fact that he was there and went back to Facebook.

What I expected was for you to return to the living room and come to the couch. Which you could have. You could have come into the room and come to the couch and said, "Hey move over," which I'd have been very happy to do.
Golden: I recall you stating the above, aka I could have "asked you to move" that night and it pissed me off then and it does again now. This statements makes no sense to me, because I did ask you and Bond to move. So why are you telling me to do what I did? The different between what you suggest and what I did was that I allowed you time to move and or ask Bond to move with you. In short, I waited for you to finish what you started, i.e. the process of "sitting by each other" . Now if you hadn't ask me to sit by you then I would only be dealing with my default expectation, which is different than this situation. It is important to me that a person does what they say they are going to do. [ex-wife] was awful at this. While I wouldn't call this a trigger, I done policing my partners. I don't know what the meaning of you asking me to do what I did, and I would like to finish this conversation face to face later, doesn't have to be tonight.

The only reason I was sitting there was because I was waiting for you to do your homework. I was waiting to spend time with you.
Golden: I didn't know this was your only reason and why should it be? I see no problem with you being by Bond and me, with your attention focused on me. This is something we do often. In this case I waited for you to act and then took matters into my own hands later.

I remember being really thirsty, but too tired to make myself get up to get a drink of water. I mention that, because it points out how tired I was. Normally I can pop up and run off on an errand without hesitation. I feel guilty any time I'm tired when it's our date night, because I remember you being unhappy with Titania for expending her energy elsewhere and then being tired on your date nights. So any time I'm tired on one of our nights I worry that I've unintentionally done the same thing.
Golden: You are not Titania and I don't recall ever being upset at you for being tired. What happened with Titania is only something I feel with her. Please trust that I will express my feelings of concerns. Please let go of the stress around being tired on our dates. I don't expect you to not be tired.


I hope my tone was inviting when I asked you if you wanted to sit by me. I remember it being a pleasant exchange and being shocked/hurt when you scolded me. I didn't see it coming and didn't realize what I had done.

Golden Bathroom:Your kids are not supposed to know we are dating. That is such a big factor in all of this.
Golden: My kids is not something I forget about. When we were talking about the future I was assuming that the kids were a non factor. I think we were not on the same page and that was a mistake. For me everything you said suggested that now and forever you were going to use the golden bathroom.

You were so uncomfortable with me showering in one of the other bathrooms that I drove home to shower at my house before going to work once.
Golden: I am sorry, this sounds like it was hard on you.

I expect we'll change our routines once we can be open about our relationship. If I can keep toiletries in the bathroom that would be much easier than having to retrieve them from a closet.
Golden: I didn't and still don't get how having your toiletries in the bathroom or the near by closet is different. If the issue is while the kids are not informed I get that. If there is a difference that is fine, you don't need to defend yourself, I trust you.

I don't want resentments to build up or correlations to be built between the importance of a specific bathroom to the importance of a relationship when they really aren't related. I must say I'm really, really looking forward to not living out of a suitcase or travel bag.
Golden: I couldn't agree more!

When we were having the argument in the basement yesterday I wasn't even thinking of it in terms of my time with you. I thought we were talking about Bond having guests and why we decided that if he, or I, have guests we'll use the "guest room", thus the need for furniture.
Golden: As I recall saying yesterday, I saw two issues, guest room and bathroom usage. At the end of our argument I came away certain that the bathroom was a separate and unspoken preference of your. The bathroom usage was not a concern of my until we started talking. At some point during the conversation I remember feeling, "Is Petunia always going to use the master bedroom?" This was not a complete thought, but a feeling. I recall asking you questions to ascertain if this feeling was valid. I recall the nature of your answer reinforcing and not dispelling my fear. All of this was going on in my head during the middle to late part of the conversation downstairs. I don't expect you in ANYWAY to have known this nor do I expect you think or act differently in the future. I am just sharing my process, you don't need to do anything.

Closets: Never once did I put together in my head that one closet was closer to your room than the other. I did prefer the one over the other because it was further from the door (that doesn't lock) and closer to the corner (that I could duck behind.)
Golden: Forget about it. It is a nonissue on to itself.

Shopping: I admit that I was a shit about that. I'm not a happy clothes shopper. I rarely shop with friends and when I do I hate it. I usually love running errands with someone, though.
Golden: Yes you were a shit, but whatever! ;P You are allowed to be a shit, especially when something is important to you and this seems important to you. Again this is not a problem, it was just a factor and not something I think we should address.

Sleepy-time Saturday Night: I struggled to stay awake until you would get there. I was ready to fall asleep at 10:00, but I wanted to sleep with you so I did my best to hang in there. I think the blame on the mix up is mine. I forgot what I had said about just coming over there.
Golden: I do not blame you and please don't take all the blame either. I started to blame you, but when I imaged you waiting in my room alone with M and Bond upstairs. I felt it only made sense that you wouldn't want to be at the beach. It took a while to get to that point, but I get it.

I was thinking we hadn't made a final decision. That night my thinking was that if I walked in the door that M would be upset, so obviously my place would be the better choice, and then later when we figured out the mix up I was physically too tired to drive safely.

Scheduling on Sunday: Felt pressured. Head was killing me. The more you pushed me, the more I felt like I couldn't make a decision.
Golden: This is my fault. You are not my first partner to feel this way and I am working on it. Having strong boundaries is currently the best defense with me when I become hyper focused. As a side note, imagine what it was like to be Titania when she was my only partner and I was fresh from splitting with [ex-wife]...

I felt so badly that I wanted to escape and that's why I asked Bond if we could go for a drink before meeting Taylor.
Golden: Ouch!

When you came in to say good night I wanted to go climb in bed with you.
Golden: Awww...

I thought Bond and I had a verbal agreement/understanding that we were spending Sunday - Wednesday together, so I felt trapped when you were asking me for time. I felt like I would be causing an issue on the other end if I changed things.
Golden: Welcome to the middle! Sadly you were fucked either way. Hug? ​

[Continued...]
 
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[Golden's response in blue continued]

Frustrations: I was feeling frustrated with you this week/weekend, because multiple times you wouldn't let me talk. I'd start to explain something, or tell a story, but you would interrupt me with questions. I didn't think I was meandering in the conversation or being obtuse.
Golden: Keep in mind my ADD brain moves at an accelerated rate, especially when I am hyper focused. You were not meandering or being obtuse. Instead my brain was going at light speed, which results in normal conversations to feel meandering, obtuse and unbearably slow to me.

I wondered if you had skipped your ADD medication or if it was displaced anger at me. Or if I was missing the point - which it turns out I was on several things. Feeling like I can't talk shuts down my communication.
Golden: I was hyper focused. This happens from time to time and is especially bad when I feel threaten, it is a negative loop. This is on me and I working on it, but something I doubt will disappear completely.

I was tired coming into the weekend. I stayed up fairly late packing Friday night. I woke early Saturday morning. I stayed up late Saturday night and woke up too early. I didn't do well sleeping in my bed. My head was pounding most of the weekend.

The result was that I felt like I couldn't express myself. I couldn't think clearly, because I was tired and my head ached. I wasn't decisive and that added to everything. My language became passive and that's crap. Sorry.
Golden: I kept forgetting this important factor, that you were tired and in pain. I am sorry.

Imbalance: I did/do feel like I need to connect with Bond. And yes, that is partly because he wasn't himself last week following his father's funeral. With you I feel like you really focus and are in the moment when we spend time together, but it's not the same with Bond. He is better at connecting when we are lying in bed talking. I have worries to address and calm about moving in which has heightened things on my end. Does it make any sense that the time I have with you is more when measured in intensity and connection? But it can also cost me more because of its intensity.

I felt guilty regarding my emotions about Bond' trip. I was looking forward to the time with you and not bad about him being gone.

I will work harder to balance things, and to respond to your needs, and to understand your words. I'm sorry.

I hope that this response wasn't too logical. It's hard to defend and explain oneself.
Golden: You did great love!​
 
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The last response came in shortly before I pulled in the driveway. I sat in my car and read it and the tears started streaming. I was upset that he was angry about me saying he could have asked us to move (over on the couch.) He had totally missed my point that he could have come straight to the couch and asked us to move over without built-up resentment. I had already asked him to sit by me. He had been gone a very long time and I hadn't noticed him return. It didn't change the fact that I had previously asked and was expecting him. He returned to his normal spot on the love seat and sat waiting for a second invitation. Instead he chose to interpret it as a harmful, uncaring situation when there was no intent on either my end or Bond's.

Golden came out to my car while I was reading, but I couldn't talk. He was dismayed to find me crying, I think. His tone was gentle and he said he'd give me time to compose myself and went back into the house. The rest of the email was easier to read.

As soon as I finished reading it Twitch texted to ask if I was free. He then called, knew something was up from my voice, asked if I wanted to talk. But I declined. Talking right then would have made me cry again.

His call was about our tenant asking to put a second bathroom in our house - on his dime. That's cool.

I was still sitting in the car when Bond got home from work. We went into the house together. I made sure to mention to Golden that Twitch had called and kept me on the phone so he wouldn't think I had needed to take that long to compose myself.
 
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Bond and I talked way into the night about all of this. I asked him if he'd be okay if I have a sleepy-time date with Golden tonight and of course it's okay with him. It wasn't so much that I felt I had to schedule time with Golden. That would be wrong, IMO. I am feeling a need to connect and heal some of this yuk between us.

It will kind of work perfectly into life circumstances as his boss stopped by his office to let him know that his presence was missed in recent weeks (funeral.) Today he had a dentist appointment and this evening he has to take Z to the doctor for immunizations. I have a feeling he'll be putting in a lot of hours coming up as they get into crunch mode this fall.

Interactions with Golden have been good today. I'm looking forward to tonight.
 
Just dropping in to say I enjoyed reading your exchange of emails. Looks like things will have a happy ending, specially if you'll continue to communicate so openly and honestly like this. :)
 
Zed said:
Just dropping in to say I enjoyed reading your exchange of emails. Looks like things will have a happy ending, specially if you'll continue to communicate so openly and honestly like this. :)
Click to expand...

Thanks, Zed! It's so nice to get your input that you feel things will have a happy ending. I'm glad the email exchanges weren't a bit much. :D Thanks!
 
Shifting mindset - Is that excitement? Compersion?

This morning as we were getting ready for the day Bond was talking about wanting to make sure I was okay with Bea and him having her to the house. You know, kind of a big deal now that I am living there.

I said something like, "I've decided that I'm going to be perfectly fine with it. I've decided I'm going to be better."

He kind of laughed and said it reminded him of a t-shirt they had made at work once that said, "Play Better." He said it was an internal joke, because some had complained that a game was too hard, so the response had been, play better.

And you know, that feeling has been building and after letting some of this percolate, my mindset is that wow, it could be fun to have Bea in Bond's life.

I sent him an IM at noon:

ME: Today's feels: RE Bea. Today I am of the mind that it could be FUN to be on the sidelines as your relationship with Bea takes off. Feeling very positive and good about it. What I think could make me feel unhappy is if you don't actively plan things with me for the two of us. Being taken for granted and missing out on "the special" would definitely be a negative. Make sense?
Love you!
Catch you later, gator!​

BOND: yep, makes sense. i feel the same. that's why i was double checking with you. when work picks up i do get more passive about scheduling. so i'm trying to be mindful of that. i don't want you to feel taken for granted! love you!​
 
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