So I guess I'm a Unicorn?

Kenleykitten

New member
I'm new to polyamory. I've know a polygamous M/F couple for years and when my 2nd monogamous marriage fell apart I revealed to them that I had developed feelings for them both and I asked if they were open to the idea of dating me. They were over the moon excited. They have dated other people but have only had one other female long term relationship that they invited to join them as equal partner who turned them down. The wife affectionately called my their unicorn. I thought the term was cute, so I was cool with it. I have 2 children from my 2nd marriage and live separately in another state from them for now but we've talked about all living under the same roof one day. I also discovered about myself that I am a sub/kitten and asked if they were interested in bdsm, or any other kink. The husband had been a dom back in the day and the wife was curious about it and open. We have spoke at length about a D/S relationship and they are both open and accepting. They would both my dom/domme and I'd be their sub. We had almost a year of talking a lot about boundaries, desires, and limits, as well as a few visits.

It seems that lately they have been fighting more. When they fight I get an earful of venting about the other. The things that they complain about don't directly relate to me, like who's not done the dishes and they both think the other one leaves the messes around the house and doesn't help out enough etc. They both seem to think that my moving in will solve these problems as I would assume much of the household chores. I always listen, validate their feelings, and encourage them to sit down and talk with each other when they can express themselves calmly. When I check in the next day with the other side of the couple and ask how things are going I'm surprised to find that they haven't talked. Trying to not betray confidence I'll still mention that one was upset and that they should try talking about xyz. I am then told that that's not accurate and that's not what happened and they are the ones that have been maligned. I try to again encourage them to talk and that I am in no way accurately relaying any of the details I was only letting them know they needed to talk. But that seems to never happen.

My questions are, am I wrong for saying anything?
Should I just keep my mouth shut and let them work it out on their own?
Should I let them vent to me their frustrations about their spouse?
I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do here.

Thanks.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Welcome to the forums. I've never been in your position so I can't give you experienced advice. There are probably two things I would do. One is I would try to tell each one I didn't want to be put in the middle of a disagreement. The second is I would keep anything said to me to myself. The way I look at it, sometimes people vent. Sometimes that venting may sound worse than it really is. And sometimes that venting is all it takes to make a person feel better. But they shouldn't make their problems your problem.

That may seem counter-intuitive to the notion of a triad, but there is more to a triad than the sum of its parts. Besides the three of you as a triad (a+b+c), there is also them (a+b), and you with each of them (a+c and b+c). Each of those four relationships need to be worked on separately. It's not your job to make sure everyone gets along.
 

MeeraReed

Member
They both seem to think that my moving in will solve these problems as I would assume much of the household chores.

Noooooooooo. Sounds like they want a female slave to do the dishes for them so they won't fight about it. Hooray, you get to be their unpaid maid, sex toy, and marriage counselor all in one!

If you like dating them, keep doing it, but don't make plans to move in with them.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Dating a couple is really hard, especially a couple that is not getting along! Being a unicorn means you are a person that doesn't exist, like a mythological creature.

You may like being led and told what to do. But how can you trust either of these so-called "dominants" to guide you when they can't even regulate their own relationship without spilling their dirty laundry all over you? Psssh. What kind of a deal is that? As a sub, that would turn me right off. As Doms, they should sense they're not doing well, and not invite you to join their mess.

I once dated a guy for a bit, who was a Dom, and played with his long term live-in gf a couple of times (in a threeway) too. Soon I saw they had come into a state of flux in their living conditions (problems with exes, custody of kids, job changes, moving to a new larger place in their town, etc.). It wasn't as simple as "who does the dishes?" Luckily, this Dom realized things were a mess, "chaotic," and let me know he wasn't in any shape just then to continue to play with me or expand his "leather family." I was sad to see him go, but I appreciated his self-insight.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Kenleykitten,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I wouldn't say you are *wrong* for saying anything, but I would say that you are not *obligated* to say anything. They are the ones having the argument/fight; it is their responsibility to figure out how to resolve it. You can be there as a sounding board, but you don't have to instruct them on how to resolve their disagreement. If they ask you what they should do, just say, "I think the two of you should talk again after you have calmed down. But that's just my opinion. I know you might choose to do things differently." Then just drop it; you're not obligated to follow up on it and find out whether they followed your advice.

It does concern me that they seem to think you will solve their disagreements by doing their housework for them. Once again, that's not something you're obligated to do, but maybe you're okay with doing it as a part of being their sub? Just be sure to take care of yourself; make sure they don't take undue advantage of your giving nature.

They're lucky to have you, and I feel lucky to have you on our forum.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

vinsanity0

Active member
They both seem to think that my moving in will solve these problems as I would assume much of the household chores.

Noooooooooo. Sounds like they want a female slave to do the dishes for them so they won't fight about it. Hooray, you get to be their unpaid maid, sex toy, and marriage counselor all in one!

If you like dating them, keep doing it, but don't make plans to move in with them.
Well she's a sub so maybe that's part of it. Certainly something that would need to be negotiated.
 

Kenleykitten

New member
We’ve negotiated that I’ll be doing the dishes but not cooking, which is fine for me. I’m naturally a tidy person and they are not. I fine with doing the cleaning as long as I’m appreciated and properly rewarded 😜
 

Kenleykitten

New member
Dating a couple is really hard, especially a couple that is not getting along! Being a unicorn means you are a person that doesn't exist, like a mythological creature.

You may like being led and told what to do. But how can you trust either of these so-called "dominants" to guide you when they can't even regulate their own relationship without spilling their dirty laundry all over you? Psssh. What kind of a deal is that? As a sub, that would turn me right off. As Doms, they should sense they're not doing well, and not invite you to join their mess.

I once dated a guy for a bit, who was a Dom, and played with his long term live-in gf a couple of times (in a threeway) too. Soon I saw they had come into a state of flux in their living conditions (problems with exes, custody of kids, job changes, moving to a new larger place in their town, etc.). It wasn't as simple as "who does the dishes?" Luckily, this Dom realized things were a mess, "chaotic," and let me know he wasn't in any shape just then to continue to play with me or expand his "leather family." I was sad to see him go, but I appreciated his self-insight.
That’s good insight. I think I’ll move slowly on the “moving in together.”
 
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