So it begins...

It makes sense if you think about it though.
 
It does make some sense. Right now Tabs feels V is off limits to her as more than just an FB. She has realized she needs us both and I'm guessing due to typical mono(non poly friendly) standards that she has always believed V is off limits to her emotionally and to date. Add to it that V doesn't show emotion towards anyone including me quite the way you'd typically expect and her having low self esteem and you have a recipe for a unhappy woman that feels where he is concerned she should only get the crumbs and what is left over.
 
Have you talked with Tabs about this? Have you had a chance to reassure her that she can get more than just the crumbs?
 
Yes she and I talked about it and I reassure her of this, but I'm not who she needs it from. She needs it from V and right now he is giving mixed messages to boh of us about where he is in this.it's very frustrating but trying to talk to him makes him feel like he is being pushed 1 direction or another.
 
I don't know what's happening in this any more. Maybe I never did.
 
Sounds pretty frustrating ...
 
It is right now. But honestly I wouldn't trade either of them for anything in the world. It just got a little nuts when emotions began to happen.
 
Not sure what happened or changed but today has been so much more like it was a couple weeks ago. Today has been relaxed, playful, flirty. So far today has been good.
 
So completely over work right now. All of us are under stress especially V and it's taking its toll. Fortunately we have something to look forward to in spending time together this weekend and getting back to basics of just enjoying being together. Love when in the stressful moments we find peace in just being together.
 
Doing a triad is the hardest way to do poly, did you know that? Especially when you seem to feel a desire to be a go-between between the other two. Not that that is weird, you want all the poly waters to be smooth so you can just enjoy your partners.

But instead, their relationship, between Tabs and V is one thing, your relationship with V is another, your relationship with Tabs is yet another. That is a lot to juggle to make the relationship between all 3 of you feel simple, light, balanced and sexy (NRE sexy).

And now you're all under stress from work.

Do you like being in a triad, with these particular people? It doesn't sound very much fun for you, but a lot of stress and worry. The worry seems to stem from V wanting something different from Tabs than she wants. You want romance with both, Tabs does too, V wants romance with you, and puts you first, but doesn't want romance with Tabs, just FWB or FB. So you all have your different desires and preferences, and it's a NRE killer for you.

And you put yourself in the middle as confidant for both of your lovers' feelings towards each other. That doesn't have to be your job, you know.

If Tabs wants something different from a relationship than V does, it's up to her to shit or get off the pot. If she wants romance and emotional intimacy and all she gets is sex, she could choose to stop fucking him and go find another guy who is a better match. It happens sometimes, that the sex is great, but the relationship, in other ways, is a mismatch.

But it doesn't have to be your job to help her work this out! She may have other friends with whom she could discuss this. You are too close to it all. You could stop her when she starts to complain she's not getting what she wants from V. You could stop yourself when you try to tell V he "should" be giving her more emotionally, and let him decide for himself how he wants to go. If he's polysexual but not polyamorous? That's not bad, it's just how he is!

This all sounds stressful and not very much fun.
 
"Doing a triad is the hardest way to do poly, did you know that?"

-yes, I knew and expected it to be hard. When this started it was not a triad it was 3 people looking to have fun and become better friends. It did become a triad and then it began to bounce from a triad to a vee and back. When this started to become a triad, as the NRE started to happen and everyone was all excited, I warned them both that it would be one of the hardest things they had ever done. I knew relationships develop at different paces, feelings you have when it's brand new either grow or wane, misunderstandings occur, communication must be intentional and that you absolutely have to communicate. I went into this eyes wide open having learned from experience in a previous triad. I had not intended to be a go between. In fact I try to avoid it. I try to get them to talk to each other. Not always successful at it, but I do try. Yes, I want smoother waters but I know that is not always going to be possible.

"Do you like being in a triad, with these particular people?"

-yes, I do, but I'm also okay if this becomes a vee. The worry stems from seeing someone I love hurt. The worry stems from seeing the ones I love worry and stress. Their worry and stress over these things is the NRE killer for me. As their best friend and partner I do not like seeing them worry or stress. I want to see them relaxed and happy. I cannot make things better or easier for them. This is not something I can fix and that kills the NRE for me. I want to fix it, but realize that is something only they can do. It hurts to watch them hurt and go thru this.


I listen to them, I see their relationship from the outside. I do not make excuses, I do not defend, I listen. If I can give advice to one like I would a friend then I do. If I can't separate myself from the situation at that moment and just look at it as a friend then I don't offer advice beyond "tell him/her"

Mine and V's past is part of his issue. We were in a quad that failed. He and I separated and almost divorced. I was then in a triad with the couple we had been in a quad with. He got very badly hurt and now is terrified to let himself love someone other than me out of fear that something similar will happen again and he would lose not only me but the other person as well. He knows he and I are good and I'm not leaving, but the fear is still there.

In my opinion, her past is part of her issue. She was treated less than great by people she cared about and now she expects him to treat her the same way. She wants more, but at the same time her expectations cause her to put up a shield to push others away before they have a chance to get close and hurt her.

Their fears and expectations are causing the problems between them, or at least that is what I see. Maybe I am wrong, wouldn't be the first time. I do, however, make a point of watching, learning, and studying them both. As their partner I want to know them better than they know themselves. I want to anticipate their needs and wants before they realize what their needs and wants are. I expected and knew it would be hard. I also don't run when it gets hard. I choose to love them even when it'd be easier to walk away and be done. I made a choice to love them even when they don't love themselves or find it difficult to love me or each other. I am steady and patient. I am solid and unwavering. I am the constant they can count on when life and everything in it is hard. My job is to be their safe place in the storms and to just love them as they are.
 
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I guess whether or not I want to be in a triad or if it's actually a vee doesn't matter any more. It seems it's all over. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. Where I am right now is best described as shock. I don't know what emotions I am feeling. I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I keep hoping she will reach out to me and say she wants to try with me even tho there is nothing between them.
 
Don't know what we are or are doing. We have been talking and may manage to work through the issues. I don't know. Guess we will see.
 
StumblingAlong said:
"Doing a triad is the hardest way to do poly, did you know that?"

-yes, I knew and expected it to be hard. When this started it was not a triad it was 3 people looking to have fun and become better friends. It did become a triad and then it began to bounce from a triad to a vee and back. When this started to become a triad, as the NRE started to happen and everyone was all excited, I warned them both that it would be one of the hardest things they had ever done. I knew relationships develop at different paces, feelings you have when it's brand new either grow or wane, misunderstandings occur, communication must be intentional and that you absolutely have to communicate. I went into this eyes wide open having learned from experience in a previous triad. I had not intended to be a go between. In fact I try to avoid it. I try to get them to talk to each other. Not always successful at it, but I do try. Yes, I want smoother waters but I know that is not always going to be possible.

"Do you like being in a triad, with these particular people?"

-yes, I do, but I'm also okay if this becomes a vee. The worry stems from seeing someone I love hurt. The worry stems from seeing the ones I love worry and stress. Their worry and stress over these things is the NRE killer for me. As their best friend and partner I do not like seeing them worry or stress. I want to see them relaxed and happy. I cannot make things better or easier for them. This is not something I can fix and that kills the NRE for me. I want to fix it, but realize that is something only they can do. It hurts to watch them hurt and go thru this.


I listen to them, I see their relationship from the outside. I do not make excuses, I do not defend, I listen. If I can give advice to one like I would a friend then I do. If I can't separate myself from the situation at that moment and just look at it as a friend then I don't offer advice beyond "tell him/her"

Mine and V's past is part of his issue. We were in a quad that failed. He and I separated and almost divorced. I was then in a triad with the couple we had been in a quad with. He got very badly hurt and now is terrified to let himself love someone other than me out of fear that something similar will happen again and he would lose not only me but the other person as well. He knows he and I are good and I'm not leaving, but the fear is still there.

In my opinion, her past is part of her issue. She was treated less than great by people she cared about and now she expects him to treat her the same way. She wants more, but at the same time her expectations cause her to put up a shield to push others away before they have a chance to get close and hurt her.

Their fears and expectations are causing the problems between them, or at least that is what I see. Maybe I am wrong, wouldn't be the first time. I do, however, make a point of watching, learning, and studying them both. As their partner I want to know them better than they know themselves. I want to anticipate their needs and wants before they realize what their needs and wants are. I expected and knew it would be hard. I also don't run when it gets hard. I choose to love them even when it'd be easier to walk away and be done. I made a choice to love them even when they don't love themselves or find it difficult to love me or each other. I am steady and patient. I am solid and unwavering. I am the constant they can count on when life and everything in it is hard. My job is to be their safe place in the storms and to just love them as they are.
Click to expand...

StumblingAlong said:
I guess whether or not I want to be in a triad or if it's actually a vee doesn't matter any more. It seems it's all over. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. Where I am right now is best described as shock. I don't know what emotions I am feeling. I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I keep hoping she will reach out to me and say she wants to try with me even tho there is nothing between them.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to say this, but you sound kind of caretakery. If they don't love themselves and you are constantly trying to shore up their egos and constantly have to encourage them in all their fears from past hurts... sounds like you're just forcing it all.

To be honest, it sounds like you and your male partner should get some therapy to heal from the former quad/breakup/triad/reunion before getting into another shaky triad. It's not fair to the new person.
 
I can agree I am a caretaker. It's how I have always been. I know where it comes from and it's a very deep seeded part of me. It comes from growing up way to fast at a very young age and having to be that at an age where I should have been a child. We did have therapy and thought we had worked through the issues we had after reconciling. If we had realized some of the issues were still there we wouldn't have opened our marriage again. We are putting in work on fixing those things now that we see them. Everyone says poly brings up the things you either ignored or didn't realize existed in you and your relationships. I agree, but now we see it and can work on it and this experience has in its own way made us better.
 
Right now, we are all confused and emotional and unsure of what is going to happen.
 
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