Solo poly introducing myself!

Aejay

New member
Hello Poly people, I am an Australian pansexual woman, practicing a solo poly lifestyle/lovestyle. Originally I was married in poly relationship with my husband as my primary, and my Slave (BDSM D/s) as my secondary. Beloved died three years ago, and I have now moved into a solo poly arrangement, by choice. I have also dissolved the D/s relationship with Slave, and we are now simply solo poly partners.
This version of my poly life is very different but feels far more authentic for me at this end of my life! I have recently met another who I feel a lot of love for, however they are not poly, so am very carefully and diligently navigating the space between us.
Anyway, am very new to online forums too, not sure how to navigate this space either!
Life is all learning!
Big love everyone, X.
 
Welcome! If you have any questions, feel free to post in the Poly Relationships section. Otherwise, read the latest threads by clicking on What's New, or use the search function for specific topics.

It's perfectly acceptable to talk about adult topics, sex, kink, or whatever.
 
Greetings Aejay,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry your husband passed away. It sounds like you have started a new chapter in your life. You have made some changes. Also it sounds like you have a potential mono/poly relationship budding with a new person. I wish you well in that relationship, and in all of your endeavors. Don't hesitate to post any thoughts and questions that may arise for you along the way, you're among friends here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you for the welcome! Yep, have read through the guidelines, thank you.
Will post on a new thread In the Poly Relationships section about the mono/poly dynamic for advice, and shared experiences.
Thank you so much!
 
I am sorry about your husband.

I am also solo poly, although I only have one partner and am not actively dating others right now.

Welcome!
 
Oh, I just posted a reply on your other thread, but didn't remember you were the same person I greeted here! Hope all goes well, whatever you decide.
 
Oh, I just posted a reply on your other thread, but didn't remember you were the same person I greeted here! Hope all goes well, whatever you decide.
I loved your reply! Thank you!!!
I ended up finding a way to talk about the facts just as they are, and he was very graceful in accepting the reality of our incompatibility. He has agreed to keep the friendship connection we have, which doesn’t come with any fuckery or woe, and in fact in light, fun and joyful.
 
I'm very glad that things worked out in that situation.
 
I'm very glad that things worked out in that situation.
I actually read out the advice that galagirl gave us, and that really helped him see that it wasn’t just me being difficult, and also reminded him to be more honest with himself about what he was really pushing for. We really do love each other, so I hope that love stays strong in the arena it’s good in, which is a spiritual companion, and a brother.
 
That makes sense; I hope he sees it that way as well.
 
I actually read out the advice that galagirl gave us, and that really helped him see that it wasn’t just me being difficult, and also reminded him to be more honest with himself about what he was really pushing for. We really do love each other, so I hope that love stays strong in the arena it’s good in, which is a spiritual companion, and a brother.

I'm glad you got a good resolution! What I didn't say about my ex in the other thread--before dating him, I also viewed him as my brother & special emotional companion. Losing his friendship hurt me much more than losing the relationship.

But in his case, he didn't tell him his real feelings--he just went along with what I said I wanted, while quietly resenting me and never saying a word. For four years! We were long distance, but still. After four years, he had built up so much resentment that when he finally met a mono woman who wanted to be with him, he treated me terribly and said horrible things to me--which to me seemed out of the blue because I had no clue about his resentment. There was nothing salvageable about our friendship at that point, and we never spoke again.

He had been my best friend in the world, and if he had been honest with me and honest with himself, I would never have dated him in the first place, and would have advised him as my friend to NOT date me.

It still hurts me all these years later. Losing him was like losing a brother.
 
I'm glad you got a good resolution! What I didn't say about my ex in the other thread--before dating him, I also viewed him as my brother & special emotional companion. Losing his friendship hurt me much more than losing the relationship.

But in his case, he didn't tell him his real feelings--he just went along with what I said I wanted, while quietly resenting me and never saying a word. For four years! We were long distance, but still. After four years, he had built up so much resentment that when he finally met a mono woman who wanted to be with him, he treated me terribly and said horrible things to me--which to me seemed out of the blue because I had no clue about his resentment. There was nothing salvageable about our friendship at that point, and we never spoke again.

He had been my best friend in the world, and if he had been honest with me and honest with himself, I would never have dated him in the first place, and would have advised him as my friend to NOT date me.

It still hurts me all these years later. Losing him was like losing a brother.
@MeeraReed, I am concerned about being discarded too, however I am choosing to work with my rejection issues, and simply accept that as a mono man, he will likely discard me as soon as a ‘proper’ love comes along. In the mean time I will enjoy the companionship while we have it.
To be honest, we are getting along much better now we don’t have to navigate a romantic situation. All we did was fight and he would get angry, every time we tried to talk about romantic commitments. I really don’t want that relationship, it’s my version of a total nightmare, mono doesn’t work for me.

I’m so sorry your ex didn’t have the emotional intelligence to be honest and open with himself, and you. I am being judgemental here, but I think mono people have a major scarcity issue that can lead them to be dishonest and mean, and make sacrifices of themselves that benefit no one, all in fear of not having a relationship.
I would much rather not have a relationship, than have one with the burden of resentment. I guess that’s what’s makes me solo poly, the ability to comfortably NOT have a relationship!

I had a similar relationship with an ex GF, who pretended she was all fine with my two male partners.... it wasn’t even close to true, and she blew up in a super scary way, that sent me into the biggest breakdown of my life! Learned a lot from that one!
 
I’m so sorry your ex didn’t have the emotional intelligence to be honest and open with himself, and you. I am being judgemental here, but I think mono people have a major scarcity issue that can lead them to be dishonest and mean, and make sacrifices of themselves that benefit no one, all in fear of not having a relationship.
I would much rather not have a relationship, than have one with the burden of resentment. I guess that’s what’s makes me solo poly, the ability to comfortably NOT have a relationship!

I don't think you're being judgmental, I think the scarcity mindset is often the case with mono people! Part of the struggle with mono/poly dynamics is that the mono person is often willing to make big sacrifices or compromises because "that's what you do for love" and then is resentful that the poly person won't do the same...while the poly person has more of an approach that everyone should find themselves individually and might be encouraging the mono person to try dating other people when that's not what the mono person wants.

My ex had a major scarcity mindset, unbeknownst to me at the time. He was dating me because he felt like he had no other options and it was at least better than being alone. He was puzzled and even threatened by my attitude that I was fine not dating anyone, and found it so incomprehensible that he felt he couldn't even talk to me about it. He later admitted that he withheld all his feelings from me because he figured I would just end the relationship if he were honest, and that I didn't want a "real relationship" so there was no point in telling me at all.

I have often regretted dating him at all and wished I had just kept his friendship...but in reality, he probably did not want a close platonic friendship, just a "real girlfriend." I am not even sure that we had a foundation of friendship at all, since everything he did was basically to convince me to date him. Super confusing for me!

He was probably more like your other ex who blew up at you, than like your recent guy. I hope he continues to value your friendship!
 
I don't think you're being judgmental, I think the scarcity mindset is often the case with mono people! Part of the struggle with mono/poly dynamics is that the mono person is often willing to make big sacrifices or compromises because "that's what you do for love" and then is resentful that the poly person won't do the same...while the poly person has more of an approach that everyone should find themselves individually and might be encouraging the mono person to try dating other people when that's not what the mono person wants.

My ex had a major scarcity mindset, unbeknownst to me at the time. He was dating me because he felt like he had no other options and it was at least better than being alone. He was puzzled and even threatened by my attitude that I was fine not dating anyone, and found it so incomprehensible that he felt he couldn't even talk to me about it. He later admitted that he withheld all his feelings from me because he figured I would just end the relationship if he were honest, and that I didn't want a "real relationship" so there was no point in telling me at all.

I have often regretted dating him at all and wished I had just kept his friendship...but in reality, he probably did not want a close platonic friendship, just a "real girlfriend." I am not even sure that we had a foundation of friendship at all, since everything he did was basically to convince me to date him. Super confusing for me!

He was probably more like your other ex who blew up at you, than like your recent guy. I hope he continues to value your friendship!
Far out, I can really understand why it made such an impact on you, likewise with my ex GF, I will literally never forget her. However she brought some serious growing up into my life, and from that experience with her I have learned how to love myself so much better, and to address fully, the codependency issues that allowed our situation to arise in the first place, and to be really clear and not negotiable on my boundaries.
So in the end, I am actually grateful for her, and all I ended up learning from the painful disaster that was our relationship. I the ones that hurt us the most, also are our greatest teachers, and help us be the best versions of ourselves we can be.
Not that I really want to keep repeating the cycle of relationshit, but I have learned a lot from them!
 
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