neobohemian
New member
Hello nycindie,
I found this thread through Google, also trying to find other people who have had the experience of being poly without looking for a primary partner, because yes, information and testimonials about this lifestyle are hard to come by, so I'm going to go ahead and write up my whole experience so far. And I'm only a few months into it, so I'm really curious how other people negotiate this.
Your original post really spoke to me -- I have also just come out of a 10+ year marriage (separated 9 months ago and proceeding with amicable divorce), and the one thing that I knew I wanted right away, was to not be seriously partnered again for a long time, if ever. I wanted to sleep alone most nights, to enjoy my own freedom and solitude, to have an active social life, and to otherwise focus on my art-making. And yeah I definitely liked the idea (and the experience!) of having sex with a lot of different, new women, and exploring my minor sexual interest in men a little bit (which I had never done before).
But for some reason I didn't consider pursuing a poly lifestyle -- just never occurred to me, even though I live in San Francisco where it should have been an obvious thought. Consequently, I had bad experiences with dating at the outset of this new chapter. The first two women I was involved with after my separation, very very clearly hoped for more from me than I was able or willing to give, and both seemed to regard me on some level as some kind of potential salvation in the form of cool boyfriend. Needless to say, I pushed away fast in both cases, handled it poorly, and both relationships ended really badly -- the second so spectacularly that I actually gave up on dating and sex altogether for months, basically until I was so desperate with longing for touch that I couldn't stand it any longer.
At that point I was also totally uninterested in getting involved with anybody in my existing social circles, even (especially) the ones who appeared to be interested in me, so I signed up on a dating website, met some completely new people from totally different worlds, had some fun times, etc. and nothing got too "serious" for my comfort. Then along came this interesting girl who told me up front that she only did open relationships, which initially gave me pause but decided I had nothing to lose by giving it a try, so I did.
I read the Ethical Slut, which was okay, and then Opening Up which I found spoke to me better. As soon as I read the lines you posted above about "solo polyamory," I said to myself: yes, that is me. That is exactly what I want. I want to openly have more than one lover, I don't want to prioritize them in any way other than what comes naturally, I don't want to be dogged by received ideas about the way relationships "should" be, and above all else, come what may I absolutely do not want to share my life with another person. I don't want that to even be on the table right now.
And so I started pursuing that life, and put at the top of my profile that I was only interested in pursuing friendships, casual sex, and open relationships, and had existing romantic involvements but didn't have a primary and didn't want one. Since I did that, the number of messages and responses I get has gone way down, but the quality of people who remain interested has been really good. Which is the only thing that counts. There is a certain tradeoff in that most people on the site won't be interested, and I have definitely looked with a pang at certain profiles, but I'm clearly never going to exhaust the available possibilities just on this one website, so that's fine.
How it has played out since then has been completely ideal for me, actually, so bless the heart of the girl who prompted me to give it a try. She is still a lover, and in the meantime I've found a second lover whom I see about as often, and have made a third till-now platonic friend who seems increasingly interested in getting it on. I see each of them around once a week, sometimes less, sometimes more, and communicate with one or another of them each day via email or txt or phone. And I go on a couple dates with one or two new people each month, for the occasional one-night stand and the possibility of finding another long-term lover.
It has been really great to explore new worlds this way -- everybody is so interesting and so sexy in different ways, and mesh with my life in completely different ways -- without the threat of any one relationship taking over my entire life. What I find most lovely about this adventure, is that both of my current regular lovers have qualities that, in a monogamous relationship assumed to be headed for living together, would be total deal-breakers. I could not possibly make a life with either of these girls even if I wanted to, but because that isn't on the table I'm able to fully enjoy their company and love them for who they are, and the things that bother me are irrelevant because they're never going to dominate my life.
At the moment I have been keeping my two regular lovers totally separate. For one thing, I think they wouldn't get along very well if they met. But they do each know that the other exists and that I am actively dating new people, which I think is the bare minimum of being open (as opposed to just being single and dating a lot), and what else they know depends totally on their level of comfort and interest.
I think the biggest benefit of refusing to create an explicit hierarchy, for me, is that it reflects the reality of the situation. So long as I reject committed partnership in general, none of my lovers has priority over the others, though I may have more interest in one or another, or might be closer to one of them, at a given moment. It does get slightly tiresome scheduling new dates every week (or not scheduling them, as when I have art to make or just want to be left alone for a week), but so far it has been worth the trouble.
Well, I've written a lot here and I hope that this adds to the discussion. I'd love to hear from others who are trying this as well!
I found this thread through Google, also trying to find other people who have had the experience of being poly without looking for a primary partner, because yes, information and testimonials about this lifestyle are hard to come by, so I'm going to go ahead and write up my whole experience so far. And I'm only a few months into it, so I'm really curious how other people negotiate this.
Your original post really spoke to me -- I have also just come out of a 10+ year marriage (separated 9 months ago and proceeding with amicable divorce), and the one thing that I knew I wanted right away, was to not be seriously partnered again for a long time, if ever. I wanted to sleep alone most nights, to enjoy my own freedom and solitude, to have an active social life, and to otherwise focus on my art-making. And yeah I definitely liked the idea (and the experience!) of having sex with a lot of different, new women, and exploring my minor sexual interest in men a little bit (which I had never done before).
But for some reason I didn't consider pursuing a poly lifestyle -- just never occurred to me, even though I live in San Francisco where it should have been an obvious thought. Consequently, I had bad experiences with dating at the outset of this new chapter. The first two women I was involved with after my separation, very very clearly hoped for more from me than I was able or willing to give, and both seemed to regard me on some level as some kind of potential salvation in the form of cool boyfriend. Needless to say, I pushed away fast in both cases, handled it poorly, and both relationships ended really badly -- the second so spectacularly that I actually gave up on dating and sex altogether for months, basically until I was so desperate with longing for touch that I couldn't stand it any longer.
At that point I was also totally uninterested in getting involved with anybody in my existing social circles, even (especially) the ones who appeared to be interested in me, so I signed up on a dating website, met some completely new people from totally different worlds, had some fun times, etc. and nothing got too "serious" for my comfort. Then along came this interesting girl who told me up front that she only did open relationships, which initially gave me pause but decided I had nothing to lose by giving it a try, so I did.
I read the Ethical Slut, which was okay, and then Opening Up which I found spoke to me better. As soon as I read the lines you posted above about "solo polyamory," I said to myself: yes, that is me. That is exactly what I want. I want to openly have more than one lover, I don't want to prioritize them in any way other than what comes naturally, I don't want to be dogged by received ideas about the way relationships "should" be, and above all else, come what may I absolutely do not want to share my life with another person. I don't want that to even be on the table right now.
And so I started pursuing that life, and put at the top of my profile that I was only interested in pursuing friendships, casual sex, and open relationships, and had existing romantic involvements but didn't have a primary and didn't want one. Since I did that, the number of messages and responses I get has gone way down, but the quality of people who remain interested has been really good. Which is the only thing that counts. There is a certain tradeoff in that most people on the site won't be interested, and I have definitely looked with a pang at certain profiles, but I'm clearly never going to exhaust the available possibilities just on this one website, so that's fine.
How it has played out since then has been completely ideal for me, actually, so bless the heart of the girl who prompted me to give it a try. She is still a lover, and in the meantime I've found a second lover whom I see about as often, and have made a third till-now platonic friend who seems increasingly interested in getting it on. I see each of them around once a week, sometimes less, sometimes more, and communicate with one or another of them each day via email or txt or phone. And I go on a couple dates with one or two new people each month, for the occasional one-night stand and the possibility of finding another long-term lover.
It has been really great to explore new worlds this way -- everybody is so interesting and so sexy in different ways, and mesh with my life in completely different ways -- without the threat of any one relationship taking over my entire life. What I find most lovely about this adventure, is that both of my current regular lovers have qualities that, in a monogamous relationship assumed to be headed for living together, would be total deal-breakers. I could not possibly make a life with either of these girls even if I wanted to, but because that isn't on the table I'm able to fully enjoy their company and love them for who they are, and the things that bother me are irrelevant because they're never going to dominate my life.
At the moment I have been keeping my two regular lovers totally separate. For one thing, I think they wouldn't get along very well if they met. But they do each know that the other exists and that I am actively dating new people, which I think is the bare minimum of being open (as opposed to just being single and dating a lot), and what else they know depends totally on their level of comfort and interest.
I think the biggest benefit of refusing to create an explicit hierarchy, for me, is that it reflects the reality of the situation. So long as I reject committed partnership in general, none of my lovers has priority over the others, though I may have more interest in one or another, or might be closer to one of them, at a given moment. It does get slightly tiresome scheduling new dates every week (or not scheduling them, as when I have art to make or just want to be left alone for a week), but so far it has been worth the trouble.
Well, I've written a lot here and I hope that this adds to the discussion. I'd love to hear from others who are trying this as well!