Son found my condoms. I am not happy with how I handled it.

S

Stevek

Member
Some background for you all: I am married to my wife and we have two kids. I recently started seeing a new person named Kaitlyn and we started having sex last week. One of our rules is that I have to use condoms with my play partners and other rule is that we keep the kids from knowing about this.

I was riding with my kids and my eldest son opened the glovebox and found some condoms in there. I completely forgot that they were even there. He asked me, "Why do you have condoms in your glove box?"

I kind of freaked out and told him that it was none of his business, and we tried to move on to other topics.

This is the first time he got a glimpse of the ENM lifestyle we are hiding from our kids. I will talk to my wife, but what can I do now? I don't think we want to let them know yet.
 
I am gonna tell him that we are between IUDs and his mom and I needed to use condoms during this time.
 
How old are your kids?

Kids pick up on things very easily, far more easily than many of us suspect. We have lots of adult members here whose parents had open relationships, were swingers, or cheaters, or polyamorous (even before that term was used). They usually knew something was up.

If your kid knows your wife uses IUDs, I am guessing he's a teenager.
 
@Magdlyn 13 and my other son is 10. The youngest doesn't know anything. We had the talk with my oldest son and he knows that his mom has an IUD.
 
Well, he might think Mom and Dad were going at it in the car. lol Oops.
 
Hi Steve,

Try not to beat yourself up too much over this. We all make mistakes, and this one can be fixed. Sit down with your son, and offer him an apology. I think he will be more than willing to forgive. This could be an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer, and strengthen your bond.

As for your son knowing about your poly arrangement, I am thinking the cat is already out of the bag. You can tell him you don't want to talk about it, but he has a mind of his own and can put two and two together. Worse case scenario, he can get the idea that you are cheating on Emma. So not telling him may be worse than telling him. Maybe it's time for you and Emma to sit down with your sons and explain the basics of what's happening. I know, that's probably not what you want to hear.

Telling him that you and Emma are using condoms for birth control might work. However, that story doesn't explain why the condoms were in your glove box. Wouldn't they be at home? These are questions that might arise in your son's mind, and again he may wonder if you are cheating on Emma and fibbing to him about that. I guess telling him the birth control story would be a gamble, as I said it might work. He might assume you and Emma were having sex in your car, but that does seem to me a bit of a stretch. Your call.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Couple things. I’d suggest you and your wife discuss how to handle any kind of talk with your sons. With that said, the sub-topic in that discussion should be: what would be more damaging, traumatic or problematic-- being caught lying to cover your tracks, or being out about dad having sex with his new gf ?

Kids are pretty perceptive or intuitive on this stuff, and once their radar starts sweeping, they start looking for inconsistencies and confirmation. I’m no child psychologist, but a kid seeing and feeling things, and then being fed lies to cover that, is only going to make the kid feel unsettled or unsafe, because they suspect that Mom or Dad are cheating and headed for divorce.

Sort of a surprise that those who generally advocate honest communication are advocating lying. Subjective ethical non-monogamy.
 
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Steve, I'm new here, so I feel bit out of line with this reply. I wasn't planning to state an opinion on this thread, but I have been looking around the site and reading past posts. Just a few moments ago, I read one of your first posts about your ENM plans. (In April). A quote: "Honesty is the best policy. No lies ever." For what it's worth

Kev
 
dingedheart said:
Couple things. I’d suggest you and your wife discuss how to handle any kind of talk with your sons. With that said, the sub-topic in that discussion should be: what would be more damaging, traumatic or problematic-- being caught lying to cover your tracks, or being out about dad having sex with his new gf ?

Kids are pretty perceptive or intuitive on this stuff, and once their radar starts sweeping, they start looking for inconsistencies and confirmation. I’m no child psychologist, but a kid seeing and feeling things, and then being fed lies to cover that, is only going to make the kid feel unsettled or unsafe, because they suspect that Mom or Dad are cheating and headed for divorce.

Sort of a surprise that those who generally advocate honest communication are advocating lying. Subjective ethical non-monogamy.
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I think the issue is being "out." Polyamory is so new, novel, misunderstood, held in suspicion by the general public (as being gay/queer was, and still is, in many cases), that the poly (or queer) person in question will come out selectively, just to protect themselves.

We have many many threads here about the dynamics of being a parent while practicing polyamory. It's not so black and white as "never lie, period." There's this thing called being discreet. Especially when you're new to polyamory yourself, and barely know what you are doing, it's hard to explain it sensitively to kids, especially teens, who understand sex. With very young children, it's easier, as you can ignore the whole sex topic.

And, as parents, even mono ones, having to explain sex paraphernalia to kids isn't that easy, lol. I wouldn't be so quick to just blow this off as, "Of course, explain immediately in the car that Dad is carrying on sexually with someone else who is not Mommy."
 
Magdlyn said:
I think the issue is being "out."
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Thank you for identifying the “issue“ for me, because I’m so new here. 👍😝

Magdlyn said:
Polyamory is so new, novel, misunderstood, held in suspicion by the general public (as being gay/queer was, and still is, in many cases), that the poly (or queer) person in question will come out selectively, just to protect themselves.
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New, novel and misunderstood?? Open marriages seem to have been around for at least 100-150 yrs ,if not longer. IS the nuance of polyamory that difficult to understand?
Magdlyn said:
We have many many threads here about the dynamics of being a parent while practicing polyamory. It's not so black and white as "never lie, period."
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I wasn’t suggesting black or white. I was suggesting discussing with his wife, which was more important to them to start telling lies about this new dynamic shift, or being out within the family, or at least the 13yr old, because nothing good will come if the kid suspects, sees, hears things that suggests one of his parents is having an affair. The automatic assumption is there is a betrayal going on, which causes a conflict in loyalties, and then if and when caught, what will be the fall out, divorce, like some of my friends.

Magdlyn said:
There's this thing called being discreet.
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Again thank you for this. It doesn’t feel too condescending. I invite you to look up the definition of discreet and see if openly lying is part of that.

Magdlyn said:
Especially when you're new to polyamory yourself, and barely know what you are doing, it's hard to explain it sensitively to kids, especially teens, who understand sex. With very young children, it's easier, as you can ignore the whole sex topic.
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Everything about transitioning from mono to poly is hard. This is just one more thing that needs to be dealt with. Choices and consequences is all I’m saying. Which one could be worse in the end?

I’m sure one of the poly family therapists or child psychologists that are poly, or treat kids struggling, have put out pamphlets or blueprints as to how to come out to your children. And really, how sensitive does this have to be? Mom and Dad sit down together with the child and announce, "For a list of private reasons, we don’t want to remain exclusive romantically or sexually, and this small change makes us more happy and satisfied as a married couple and thus as a family." Hopefully this all works out to be true, but it’s a starting baseline.


Magdlyn said:
And, as parents, even mono ones, having to explain sex paraphernalia to kids isn't that easy, lol. I wouldn't be so quick to just blow this off as, "Of course, explain immediately in the car that Dad is carrying on sexually with someone else who is not Mommy."
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Who’s suggesting blowing this off with some immediate explanation???? WTF
 
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A small update.

My son went to his mom yesterday while I was not home and told her about the condoms he found. He told my wife, “Mom! I found condoms in Dad’s truck.”
My wife just smiled at him and told him that she knows and your dad was just embarrassed that he forgot the condoms there. She added, “Don’t worry. We are just trying some new things” and he immediately turned red and started screaming “TMI, TMI”.

I was planning to talk to him along with my wife but he approached her when I am was not home. But I think we will talk to him again and we will let him know about non monogamy. We always demanded absolute honesty from our kids but I think we should also reciprocate that. We will let him know soon about our ENM lifestyle in an age appropriate way.
 
Things seem to be working out so far, I am glad to hear that.
 
Stevek said:
My wife just smiled at him and told him that she knows and your dad was just embarrassed that he forgot the condoms there. She added, “Don’t worry. We are just trying some new things” and he immediately turned red and started screaming “TMI, TMI”.
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LoL :D Your wife did well, it seems :D

He probably won't ask again for a bit, so you may consider holding off on telling them about ENM unless it affects homelife more severely. I dare say you're nowhere close to a point where your gf might like to meet your kids. Although if you're planning on doing overnights with her, well, maybe that's indeed a decision point where you need to tell them or make up a cover story.
 
Stevek said:
“TMI, TMI”.

I was planning to talk to him along with my wife but he approached her when I am was not home. But I think we will talk to him again and we will let him know about non monogamy. We always demanded absolute honesty from our kids but I think we should also reciprocate that. We will let him know soon about our ENM lifestyle in an age appropriate way.
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My children are 8 and 14 and I learned to enjoy my son’s embarrassment early, so let me tell you my glee when I mentioned that, since he’s around an age to start experimenting, if he needed to know anything about having a prostate, to come to me since his mom (my ex) was ill-equipped to have much to say on the topic. He was happy to move onto any other subject after that, but the seed was planted, so I was happy.

Right now, if he stumbles on something I haven’t found an age appropriate way to explain yet, I usually start with a wicked grin and ask him if he’s really sure he wants to know and that’s usually enough of a hint for him to change his mind for the moment. Might work for you if you have a habit of being so honest they regret asking, like I do with mine.

Kudos on coming out to your kids. Please let me know how it goes. Not for me, obviously, though. For my friends. They’re asking. For their friend. Over there. (It’s me; I’m Over There)
 
It sounds like everything has been handled fine now and is resolved.

Your son must have been worried you were cheating on his mom. He must have felt burdened by that knowledge until he talked to his mom. I think we tend to forget that when we are not "out" about ENM with (teenage) kids, they are going to assume it's cheating.

I personally think that condom use should be more normalized for monogamous couples too. Condoms shouldn't automatically be equated with being single or having risky sex or cheating. Condoms are super useful even when there is no STI or pregnancy risk. You can put them on sex toys to make cleanup easier (and also for sex to make cleanup easier!). Everyone should have condoms! It should be normal! Not a shameful thing.

The response should just be, "Those are for your mom and me. Sorry you had to see that."
 
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