Square peg

[Juan234]

I am a 50 year old heterosexual male. In a 20-year mono marriage. Before that when I dated it was always with the view that each could be my life partner. When it became clear that was not a possibility, I broke it off. I do not handle rejection well. My current relationship started well but sex dwindled. It is once every two weeks, when I would prefer twice a day. I have been lurking in this forum for about 10 years thinking that poly would be the answer. Which brings me to two seemingly unsurmountable challenges. One is hoping my partner to be accepting. Another is finding a “unicorn” if you will. My wife would be open to being with a woman, which would be a first.

I can easily label myself as a wannabe cheater wanting a hall pass with too many hang ups, and jealousy. Does this sound right here, or does this introduce disharmony to this forum? Is wanting to “come out“ poly a thing? I read posts here and sometimes am highly appreciative of the diversity, freshness, and courage it takes to post for Polys. And often I get to live vicariously through many members’. For example, I have been following Bluebird for many years and am in awe of her path and honesty.

In terms of coming out, I was raised Catholic and I still harmonize with that. Yet I used gay language/technology and have “come out” as atheist. It took me a long time to finally be able to externalize that with my family.

I appreciate the opportunity to post here. Thank you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome out of the shadows, finally.

I don't understand why you want to share a unicorn with your wife. If you've been reading here for a decade you must have noticed the theme that trying to have a triad is the hardest way to do polyamory. It is 3 Vs stacked up, and everyone will be each other's lover as well as their metamour. (See our Glossary for terms.)

Do you want to be polyamorous, or just get more sex? Why not get a gf who has a stronger sex drive than your wife? Why share her? IF you find a unicorn (big if, it can take years) what if the women fall in love, and you are excluded, and they are having lots of NRE sex, and you get even less? Unicorns have a way or falling out of love/lust with one member of a couple and wanting to rope off the other one for themselves. Or they get treated as a sex toy by the couple. Or they are shallow and dip out at the first sign of trouble.

Twice-daily sex is a lot to ask. I know you know this. But I can see that sex only twice a month is a long way from satisfying for you. That said, no one is obliged to give you sex, as you must also know.

If you just want casual sex, and your wife agrees, you can go out to bars and probably pick up a woman who also wants that. Dating can be difficult though, so don't expect instant results. Are you ready to date? Have you kept fit, are you well groomed, is your wardrobe up to date? Are you a good conversationalist (caring, kind, a good listener)? If you are going on dating apps, are you a good writer? Women need to find you trustworthy. How will you convince them you're not an ax murderer?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Juan234,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There is nothing wrong with being polyamorous. I suppose you won't be surprised hearing that from me on this poly forum. You are among friends here; we will try to help you. Most polyamorists have the "coming out" question to consider; some come out and some don't. It seems that you need to come out (as poly) to your wife. Start with that, and then worry later about asking her for her consent for you to start actually practicing poly. Give her some time to think about it.

Keep us posted, and ask us any follow-up questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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