Maybe by next year, you will find a way to include Kaitlyn more in your holiday celebrations. Might be time for some new traditions.
Steve's ENM journey
- Thread starter Stevek
- Start date
Happy new year! Hope 2026 brings more love to everyone.
Kaitlyn told me that she would like to start using a pill and we can go condom-free.
When I started seeing other women, what my wife and I assumed was that I would most likely be meeting different women for some NSA fun. So condoms were always part of the equation. But then I met Kaitlyn and I stopped looking for other women (well it' not like there were too many out there tbh). My wife is fully supportive of my relationship with Kaitlyn.
Now should I tell me wife that I am gonna stop using condoms with Kaitlyn? I try not to discuss what happens in one bedroom in the other. I think I should but at the same time I feel like I might be revealing something intimate between Kaitlyn and I.
Kaitlyn told me that she would like to start using a pill and we can go condom-free.
When I started seeing other women, what my wife and I assumed was that I would most likely be meeting different women for some NSA fun. So condoms were always part of the equation. But then I met Kaitlyn and I stopped looking for other women (well it' not like there were too many out there tbh). My wife is fully supportive of my relationship with Kaitlyn.
Now should I tell me wife that I am gonna stop using condoms with Kaitlyn? I try not to discuss what happens in one bedroom in the other. I think I should but at the same time I feel like I might be revealing something intimate between Kaitlyn and I.
Generally the best practice here would be to tell Emma you're planning to switch to barrier free sex so she can have informed consent regarding continuing to be barrier free with you. I know Kaitlyn was a virgin before you and therefore is extremely unlikely to have any STIs, but Emma may want some reassurance that you are all on the same page regarding sexual health risks and what to do in case of the pill failing (because all sorts of things can interfere with its efficacy). You're in the US, right? Would Kaitlyn have safe and quick access to abortion if necessary?
Yeah. We are in a state were abortion is legal. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.
Thanks for bringing up informed consent.
Last edited:
"Fluid bonding" is a big deal for some people. You don't just drop condoms without informing the rest of your polycule, both because of safer sex and emotional reasons. I would ask your wife if she's ok with this - maybe not in a "asking permission" kind of way than definitely to renegotiate prior agreements. If she's fully supportive, she will understand, but some insecurity may come up.
If in doubt, inform Kaitlyn in advance that you will discuss the technicalities with your wife (eg. you're going to tell your wife Kaitlyn is gonna use a pill).
Privacy only goes so far.
If in doubt, inform Kaitlyn in advance that you will discuss the technicalities with your wife (eg. you're going to tell your wife Kaitlyn is gonna use a pill).
Privacy only goes so far.
Last edited:
There are different kinds of birth control pills. Most contain estrogen and progesterone. But the amounts of each hormone probably vary a bit. Some can completely prevent periods, others allow a period, but no ovulation, of course.
I found out in my early 40s, when I'd gone back on the bc pills, that I had a blood mutation, which caused me to be 7 times more likely to get a blood clot in my legs, or lungs, or indeed, in my brain, which would cause a stroke. I found this out because I was hit in the ankle hard in a shopping cart accident, and it caused me to get clots in one leg and both lungs. I found out that hormonal birth control pills containing estrogen also cause a woman to be 7 times more likely to clot than otherwise. So I was a ticking time bomb, 49 times more likely to clot than another person.
A side effect of bc pills containing estrogen are to cause your blood to coagulate much more easily. For most women, this wouldn't be a huge risk. I was on bc pills from age 16-29 and never had a problem. But the risk gets higher as you age. (I began using a diaphragm at age 29 when we started having kids, that is, in between my three pregnancies. During lactation I felt a diaphragm was safe enough, as we did nursing on cue, into toddlerhood or preschool age, and I went without periods for years on end.)
My doctor advised me to have my teen daughters tested for this blood mutation after I got the blood clots. One was positive for it, the other was not. The one that has the blood mutation is only supposed to use the "mini-pill" with progestin only (if she chooses to use bc pills). A drawback of those pills is you must take them at the exact same time every day.
I also found that being on the pill did reduce my libido quite a bit, when I was on it as a young woman.
I disagree that bc pills are "perfectly safe." All drugs have side effects.
Nowadays, the IUD has become quite an attractive alternative, with the advancements in design.
You too, Steve.
No, the biggest rule for most polys is to be absolutely clear about what kind of protection against pregnancy and STDs everyone is using. Everyone in your network needs to know!
I am guessing that the hurdles you had in the beginning with size/fit compatibility are things of the past now... that's good.
The pill is not harmless, as Magdlyn says, there are well documented risks (and that blood mutation should be checked for), and it does set the female body in an unnatural state. It could also mask problems the woman has - especially if taken a decade on end, women are sometimes surprised after dropping contraception that pregnancy is not that easy to achieve.
I took the pill for a few years when young and stopped partly because of the recommendation of my psychiatrist who seemed very biased against it. It's true that the hormones cut off the most interesting and joyful part of my monthly cycle - not helpful. Once I knew my body better, I never went back to it. But by then, pregnancy felt like less of a problem than when I first started it.
Having said all that, if pregnancy is a big no no, the pill or the pill+condom/spermicide/... is still the safest option. Terminating a pregnancy also carried great risk, both physical and psychological.
---
To express a concern bordering on rude, I would think twice about dropping contraception on your part. Kaitlyn has a history of concealing her intentions about the relationship. Do you 100% trust her she would not want a baby? Or that she would admit if she simply forgot a pill?
I took the pill for a few years when young and stopped partly because of the recommendation of my psychiatrist who seemed very biased against it. It's true that the hormones cut off the most interesting and joyful part of my monthly cycle - not helpful. Once I knew my body better, I never went back to it. But by then, pregnancy felt like less of a problem than when I first started it.
Having said all that, if pregnancy is a big no no, the pill or the pill+condom/spermicide/... is still the safest option. Terminating a pregnancy also carried great risk, both physical and psychological.
---
To express a concern bordering on rude, I would think twice about dropping contraception on your part. Kaitlyn has a history of concealing her intentions about the relationship. Do you 100% trust her she would not want a baby? Or that she would admit if she simply forgot a pill?
Last edited:
Thanks!
you were not rude but I think I saw this message late. I already texted Kaitlyn that I am going to talk to my wife about stopping condoms and I already spoke to my wife about this.
Emma is totally okay with it.
I really don't want to question Kaitlyn's intentions. I feel like it projects an image that I do not trust her.
Lot's of lube, taking it slow and extended foreplay.I am guessing that the hurdles you had in the beginning with size/fit compatibility are a things of the past now... that's good.
Eponine
Active member
I doubt Kaitlyn actively wants a baby at her age, but I've read enough cautionary tales where a woman changed her mind about not wanting kids once an accident happened. And the pill is very prone to accidents compared to long-term solutions like IUD and implant. It depends on the person though. I took the pill very religiously when I was on it, and Kaitlyn could be the same type.
Kaitlyn is on the pill and while I went on a spiral looking for the potential side effects, never knew that huge increase in libido is one. she feels like a different person. She started sending naughty texts and racy pictures while she knows that I am talking to my employees. Not that I mind but interesting to see change in her personality.
Kaitlyn and I used to have sex 2 - 4 times a week depending if I get to spend Friday nights with her but this past week, we had 7 times. I met her on 4 different days. I leave work early and meet her at her place to have sex and leave immediately only for my wife and kids to witness my walk of shame. Emma knows but the kids obviously have no idea. I am not complaining at all (the complaining will come in a few seconds) and it feels like we are again in the NRE phase.
Now comes the complaining, It's been almost a month since Emma and I had sex. I ask her every night and she says that she is either tired or not interested. Holidays were a bit stressful on her and her work is also taking some extra time but I am not sure what is happening. I ask her if everything is okay and she says everything is fine. I mean everything is actually fine. We get along well except for having sex. I even suggested that we go somewhere just the two of us for a few nights but she refused. I even went for a run with her to show her that i consider her interests important.
When I started seeing Kaitlyn, we had sex at least once a week and sometimes even 2-3 times a week but now, it's back to how things were before I dipped my toes in ENM.
Kaitlyn and I used to have sex 2 - 4 times a week depending if I get to spend Friday nights with her but this past week, we had 7 times. I met her on 4 different days. I leave work early and meet her at her place to have sex and leave immediately only for my wife and kids to witness my walk of shame. Emma knows but the kids obviously have no idea. I am not complaining at all (the complaining will come in a few seconds) and it feels like we are again in the NRE phase.
Now comes the complaining, It's been almost a month since Emma and I had sex. I ask her every night and she says that she is either tired or not interested. Holidays were a bit stressful on her and her work is also taking some extra time but I am not sure what is happening. I ask her if everything is okay and she says everything is fine. I mean everything is actually fine. We get along well except for having sex. I even suggested that we go somewhere just the two of us for a few nights but she refused. I even went for a run with her to show her that i consider her interests important.
When I started seeing Kaitlyn, we had sex at least once a week and sometimes even 2-3 times a week but now, it's back to how things were before I dipped my toes in ENM.
I don't know what to tell you about Emma's lack of drive and her avoidance of your suggestion for a long weekend getaway. (What kind of birth control does she use?)
Maybe rather than just "asking for sex," you could offer to give her a massage. Like in the beginning with Kaitlyn, you don't just jump from nothing to putting penis in vagina. Maybe Emma needs you to "take it slow" too.
Maybe rather than just "asking for sex," you could offer to give her a massage. Like in the beginning with Kaitlyn, you don't just jump from nothing to putting penis in vagina. Maybe Emma needs you to "take it slow" too.
Emma has an IUD. She even refused a foot massage the other day. I even brought Kaitlyn up: specifically asking if my relationship with Kaitlyn was bothering her, but she said everything is fine and that she is glad I am seeing Kaitlyn. She just says that she is tired, yet she still goes for her runs.
I am not sure what to do.
I might have exaggerated a bit
or Kaitlyn might have picked up the fact that things are not exactly going swimmingly at home. I am just happy that Kaitlyn is there for me. But she tells me that she feels different.
Last edited:
It's possible Kaitlyn feels more relaxed about sex now that she is on birth control? Maybe it's her natural horniness coming into full force rather than a hormonal change that quickly.
It's sweet that you miss sex with Emma so much. But, since one of the reasons she wanted you to have other partners was to take the pressure off her when her libido is low, it might just be something you just need to accept. Her libido seems to wax and wane. It will probably pick up again.
It's sweet that you miss sex with Emma so much. But, since one of the reasons she wanted you to have other partners was to take the pressure off her when her libido is low, it might just be something you just need to accept. Her libido seems to wax and wane. It will probably pick up again.
Eponine
Active member
I could be way off as an asexual, but maybe Emma's increased interest in sex was sort of like NRE, driven by the novelty of polyamory and excitement for your new romance? Now that you and Kaitlyn's relationship has been pretty stable, the novelty is off and her sex drive dropped to the baseline.