"Stop me if you've heard this one" - clichés we've heard from non-polys
- Thread starter MrFarFromRight
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MrFarFromRight
Banned
Alternative reply: "Don't worry, Dear. I don't fancy you." (Smile nicely when you say that - edited after reading YouAreHere's reply [below])
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YouAreHere
Well-known member
This is one of those responses that I choose to see through a different lens.
As a mono person, it's easy to hear, "Oh, you poor victim," with responses like this. I've had friends tell me it'd be more fair if I were poly, since I could have "two guys half-time that would add up to one full relationship, rather than just having a half-time one." Luckily, I don't get those comments anymore.
I choose to look at it from another point of view (and it's not a hard choice because it's something I tend to do in conversation): people tend to want to relate/commiserate with similar experiences in life when they talk with their friends. Kind of an, "Oh yeah - I get that!"
From that point of view, I can see this response as more of an acknowledgment that they *can't* relate, and less as a judgment. When it's been said to me, I treat it as an opportunity to say what works for me about our relationship (and acknowledge that no, it won't work for everyone, but this is what I get out of the relationship). I get to plug the awesome things my partner brings to this relationship as well, which is kinda nice.
These conversations have usually ended with something similar to, "I'm glad it works for you" (and not really in a dismissive way, either... more in a thoughtful way, TBH), but have occasionally led to deeper conversations, which I really enjoy.
IndieSolo
Active member
I just remembered, from the beginning of my poly journey, the one frustrating cliché comment I heard a lot several times from people who thought they knew what poly is but clearly didn't:
Anytime anyone said that to me, it was a man who was aghast when he realized I am a straight woman who wants more than one man (and hence more than one penis) in my life. It was always said in a highly perplexed and slightly disgusted tone, and the look on their face spoke volumes: they thought I must be a slut. But if only I were bisexual, then they could get on board with that!
One of the reasons I don't use the term polyamory when first meeting someone anymore.
"What do you mean, you're straight? You just said you're poly!??!?"
Anytime anyone said that to me, it was a man who was aghast when he realized I am a straight woman who wants more than one man (and hence more than one penis) in my life. It was always said in a highly perplexed and slightly disgusted tone, and the look on their face spoke volumes: they thought I must be a slut. But if only I were bisexual, then they could get on board with that!
One of the reasons I don't use the term polyamory when first meeting someone anymore.
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Spork
Active member
I really ~lllovvve~ explaining to people who know little about poly, that one of the more successful configurations I've seen working out longterm, in the community, is MMF, whether the men are into each other sexually or not.
I like first blasting the "can't have two outies" assumption out of the water, and then going on to give the ax to the "it's all about sexual freakery and orgies" thinking that people have. Waging battle on the high seas of ignorance. Yar!
Spork
Active member
Oh. OH, here's one.
This one is the one that gives me the incandescent fury feels.
"And where are your KIDS while you're doing <whatever>...?"
Like am I supposed to say, "holding the camcorder" or what? I can't decide just what insulting shit they are trying to insinuate here, but I'm very certain that it's insulting, and that they can kiss my ass for having said it.
Those people.
*channels Lewis Black angry-face and finger gestures*
Thoooossssse...PEOPLE.
This one is the one that gives me the incandescent fury feels.
"And where are your KIDS while you're doing <whatever>...?"
Like am I supposed to say, "holding the camcorder" or what? I can't decide just what insulting shit they are trying to insinuate here, but I'm very certain that it's insulting, and that they can kiss my ass for having said it.
Those people.
*channels Lewis Black angry-face and finger gestures*
Thoooossssse...PEOPLE.
IndieSolo
Active member
In your community, you mean?
In a vee, if the two men are sexually or romantically involved with each other, it would be a MMF.
If the men are not, it would be MFM.
Usually the hinge who is involved with both people in a vee is indicated in the center. Of course, for a triad, none of this matters!
Spork
Active member
In your community, you mean?
In a vee, if the two men are sexually or romantically involved with each other, it would be a MMF.
If the men are not, it would be MFM.
Usually the hinge who is involved with both people in a vee is indicated in the center. Of course, for a triad, none of this matters!
Right, MFM you're quite correct. I didn't even use that terminology in the conversation, rather said "two men and one woman." And I indicated it could be a vee or a triad, via explanation of the men maybe being involved with each other, or not, but didn't use the lingo because it was beyond the scope.
Point is that so many people I know first think that it usually or generally would involve multiple women, and then also think it is primarily a kinky sex thing. And I love to 'splain those particular bits away.
EDIT: And yes, in the various online and in person communities I have been a part of. While I think I see more frequent groupings involving multiple women, I see many of them not only falling apart (usually in a few years or less) but doing so with much unhappiness and fuss. The longest running configurations I've seen that seem to be fairly harmonious involve multiple men. I have not known enough with nonbinary gender folk to contemplate statistics where they are concerned. A few. But not very many.
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Women make better hinges than men. It is just a statistical fact that women are better communicators. We talk more, we have bigger vocabularies, and we are much better at expressing emotions and cooperating. We are also more likely to advocate for any children involved in the V network.
Dagferi
Well-known member
I was told that I was a disgusting person commuting financial fraud because I am married legally to Butch and also had a commitment ceremony with with Murf. All over the fact that Butch is a state employee with a pension and excellent insurance. If I were not legally married to Butch I do not get survivors benefits if he were to pass away. Apparently protecting our assets is fraud. And the fact that we have been married 15 years and he has only worked for the state for 4 doesn't count because I have a second husband. (Who btw doesn't benefit in anyway from Butch's estate. )
MrFarFromRight
Banned
"Well, Little Lady [
], you have to make a choice between being a child and having fun, or being mature and looking for security. You can't have it both ways, you know."
Couldn't you and Butch legally adopt Murf? Then he would benefit. (Or would this add incest to the charges against you?)
Bimale9006
New member
The main one I get was: That just sounds like more hardcore swinging.
My response: More like 'date swinging'.
Because I find it easier to explain it as the next step up from swinging. Not that you have to swing to be poly. Instead of just sex, it is dating and deeper connections with more than one person. Swinging is viewed, not by me, as being more about just sex, sex, sex.
My response: More like 'date swinging'.
Because I find it easier to explain it as the next step up from swinging. Not that you have to swing to be poly. Instead of just sex, it is dating and deeper connections with more than one person. Swinging is viewed, not by me, as being more about just sex, sex, sex.
Spork
Active member
"More hardcore swinging."
LOL man did I tell you about this one time we walked the dogs together? It was HARDCORE DUDE. And then...you're not gonna believe this...we did the dishes!
And watched a MOVIE! ON THE COUCH! WHERE THE KIDS COULD SEE!!So hardcore.
...
So today I see yet ANOTHER posting of that article that says "omg u guyz poly is the FUTURE OF RELATIONSHIPS! (hide yer wimmin)"
Seriously, these clickbaits are just out there to get the righties to clutch pearls.
And so. The comments section is predictably hilarious.
"I can read that you love your husband. But having multiple sex partner, where is your self respect? I'm my husband's nympho and he's my "sex beast". I'm old school and to share my husband or my body with anyone else is cheating."
A small excerpt from the rational poly lady's reply to this:
"I'm glad playing water nymph and sex goblin or whatever is working great for you and all, but that's not what works for us."
(There was plenty more, and it was all the sensible stuff you'd expect, but THIS bit made me struggle not to have a giggle-fit at my desk.)
I also nearly lost it when one of the "cute morons for Jeezus" club came along and called poly people "glutenous." I think she meant gluttonous perhaps? But she definitely SAID "glutenous." Another person pointed out that God destroyed two cities for "this sort of thing" and another was on and on about the collapse of society. (Because when "anything goes" the structure of society crumbles.)
I'm not a fan of articles that sensationalize things and yell "WEIRD IS THE NEW NORMAL!" but the comments ARE pretty funny...
MrFarFromRight
Banned
You're just parading your lack of culture for us, Spork! I just HARDCORE Googled glutenous and the 5th and 6th results (underlining is mine) were:
So: not only are we "fat filthy beasts" and "slime and lard in [the] temple [we] refer to as a body"... we are also perverting young children!
If it's in 2 dictionaries, it must be true.
Spork
Active member
Lard...
You know the best biscuits I ever ate in my life, were made with lard. True story. My Grandma and her southern cookin', she always had this huge container of lard she kept under the sink, like a big white plastic bucket with a lid right, and she would make huge batches of delicious biscuits...
*sigh*
OK, thinking of that feels a little sinful, maybe glutenous is the right word...
GLUTEN AND DEBAUCHERY FOR ALL!
You know the best biscuits I ever ate in my life, were made with lard. True story. My Grandma and her southern cookin', she always had this huge container of lard she kept under the sink, like a big white plastic bucket with a lid right, and she would make huge batches of delicious biscuits...
*sigh*
OK, thinking of that feels a little sinful, maybe glutenous is the right word...
GLUTEN AND DEBAUCHERY FOR ALL!
Ravenscroft
Banned
The best pie crusts I've ever tasted require lard for the shortening -- usually good ol' manteca (pig fat) but I've heard that any solidified animal fat works fine, even chicken.
And I've never heard another person being called "glutinous" OR "glutenous." Must've been on his "Smart-Sounding Word of the Day" calendar.
And I've never heard another person being called "glutinous" OR "glutenous." Must've been on his "Smart-Sounding Word of the Day" calendar.