Struggles with my loves

C

Castress

New member
Hello everyone it's me again! More advice needed.

So it's been quite a few months since I started dating this couple. I will call my girlfriend, Bee and my boyfriend Arr. They are married and have been for nearly a decade. I have been dating Arr for about 9 months and Bee for 8 months. We have had our ups and downs as any relationship does.

However I am struggling with this feeling of being temporary. I am also struggling with how I see Bee wanting our Poly relationship as a triad to be; Hierarchy.

Temporary feeling:

We have no plans for the future together. When we discuss the future it's almost always about them, but not with me included. I have brought this up to the both of them weeks ago. The feeling still lingers and nothing has really been said or done since we discussed it. I guess the feeling I am having is helpless, perhaps hopeless?

Hierarchy:

I feel that Bee needs to feel 'more important' than me to Arr. I don't quite comprehend this. It's as if she needs to be put on the front end at all times for her to be happy and secure. She gets upset when Arr agrees with me and not her.

I have no such feelings. I don't see anyone as more important than another. I see priorities as important. Since they are both parents I expect them to put their child before me. (I would do the same if I had a kid.) (Hopefully that makes sense.)

She wants it to be very clear that I am secondary. The 'second' heavily implied. (Or at least this is how I am feeling and viewing it.)

I am not sure what to do or go from here. Any advice? I am kind of lost navigating at sea.
 
I'm like you, there's a mismatch in that I'm a solo poly/"I have two boyfriends" type while my boyfriends are more into hierarchy. It works for us because I realize they're more entangled with their nesting partners, and we've talked about it. I know if I have a crisis like break my ankle and need a ride home from the ER on their usual movie night, my partner would make a rain check with their partner.

So yes I am a secondary, but I trust that my needs will be met when the chips are down.
 
Castress, I had to go look up your original thread. Most people won't remember you, since you haven't posted since January. And we have lots of members here.

So you started seeing a married poly guy, and you hung out at his place with his wife too. One month later, she hit on you. And so you fell in love with both of them.

And now she's pulling out the couples' privilege and hierarchy cards? That sucks. If you're not up for that, say so.

On the other hand, she's been with your bf a lot longer than you have... so, even though she likes (or liked?) you, they do have history, and stability, and maybe she doesn't want to let go of it to this newcomer (you).

Some "secondaries" like being secondary. Some others don't, and want the option of transitioning to co-primary. It's up to you. You decide what you want, and let them know.

Triads are so difficult.

Secondaries have rights:

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
Castress said:
I feel that Bee needs to feel 'more important' than me to Arr. I don't quite comprehend this. It's as if she needs to be put on the front end at all times for her to be happy and secure. She gets upset when Arr agrees with me and not her.
Click to expand...

If I were you, I'd call her on it next time it happens. Not in a mean or confrontational manner, but just matter-of-fact. Simply say: "Why do you get upset when Bee agrees with me? This isn't a competition. We're just having a conversation. But it's getting to the point where knowing you usually react this way has me feeling uncomfortable expressing myself around you. What's going on?"
 
Hi Castress,

I guess my advice is to sit down with Arr and Bee, mention the temporary-feeling thing and express your disappointment that nothing has been done to improve things in that area. I would then bring up the hierarchy thing and inform them that you are opposed to it, and don't understand why Bee is doing it.

This is a hard kind of conversation to have, it could lead to discovering that you aren't compatible with Arr and Bee. But what if you're not compatible and you never discuss it and find out? Then you'll be stressed out for the rest of your life. Not worth it.

I guess that's all I have for you at the moment. Sorry you're stuck in this tough situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

The feeling still lingers and nothing has really been said or done since we discussed it. I guess the feeling I am having is helpless, perhaps hopeless?
Click to expand...

I think it is "desire to be included."

You are not helpless. If you are not getting what you need here, you do not have to keep participating.

It's as if she needs to be put on the front end at all times for her to be happy and secure. She gets upset when Arr agrees with me and not her.

She wants it to be very clear that I am secondary. The 'second' heavily implied. (Or at least this is how I am feeling and viewing it.)
Click to expand...

Ask for clarification. And ask what open model each one wants to practice together and see what does/does not line up. Maybe something like...

"We could have talked about this sooner so let's make sure we are all on the same page now. I could be mistaken, but it seems you want to practice a primary-secondary model. Where you are and Guy are primary, and I am secondary. Is that so? I am up for X models. I am not up for Y models. What sorts of open models appeal to you?"

You could also ask "You seem to get upset when Arr agrees with me and not you. Why is that?"

If you guys did not sort these things out at the start 8-9 months ago, stop to catch it up now before you invest more time.

Did she start dating you just to "absorb" you since you were dating him first?

Would it be easier on you to reduce it to one "V" and end it with her and just date him? Because a triad is pretty much 3 v's stack up on top of each other. Each one of you is a hinge. One of the hardest models to practice.

But her upset? That's her problem. She can choose to work through it, or she can choose to try to arrange the world to avoid working through it. What's her intention? Because while others can try to be supportive if she wants to work through things like poly hell feelings, they cannot do the work FOR her. And usually trying to avoid dealing with something just compounds problems.

How's the hinge? Is he being a solid hinge or a sloppy one? If he sits around at home gushing about you all the time, even on their dates, I could see where she would be upset. Really she should be upset with HIM since that would be him doing an objectionable behavior, but human beings being human... it's easier to pin it on the new person than really examine what's going on. Any of that going on here?

Don't know if any of that helps you. I think you could figure out what it is you want, and then see if it is doable here with these partners and you all agree on what model(s) you want to practice together.

Galagirl
 
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