I am a Mom of a ten year old and I have been with the same partner for almost 12 years. About six years ago he told me he really believes he is poly and that he always has been and he wanted to explore other relationships and connections. He dated a few other people for a while and although it was very hard for me at the time I was able to stick it out, communicate with him about my issues and we managed to stay together.
A few years later, 2014/2015 he hadn't been dating anyone and hadn't brought up that he would like to or was planning on it at that time. We had moved and I had surgery and soon after I faced the unexpected death of my younger (and only) sibling. That combined with some financial struggles I think made it hard to even think about pursuing other relationships. Fast forward to now. After some serious hardships and struggles not only with life in general but with each other we are finally getting to a good place with each other which I think is partially why he has recently re-kindled a romance with the same woman he was dating years ago. I'm having a really hard time with it this time around. Harder than last time and I'm trying to figure out why. I have always been a free thinker and somewhat of a non-conformist so logically it is very easy for me to understand the motivation for wanting to connect intimately with other people. Emotionally however, it's infinitely more difficult for me. I get mad at myself a lot. My heart and brain don't agree and when I find myself thinking the worst when I know logically there is no reason for it, I become increasingly frustrated with myself.
I think one of the things that bothers me most is knowing my partner the way I do, and remembering what things were like when we first got together. The time when everything is magical and "real life" issues like money, parenting, jobs etc. don't even exist. When you are able to focus only on the connection you have with this magical person. He gets to have that with her, and our reality is much different obviously. I feel like she gets all the amazing parts of him and I get all the real life bs, that most of us would rather not deal with you know? The romance and passion isn't there all the time, and there are things he used to do for me and say about me that he hasn't in years anymore. To think someone else gets all of that while I am at home taking care of the day to day life crap, is really tough. Don't misunderstand, I'm not really angry, more sad and maybe a little hurt if anything. I love him and I want him to be happy truly. I really do. But the idea that someone else is getting the him that I used to get and never get anymore, breaks my heart a little.
I have never met this woman, though I know a little about her and I even tried to develop a friendly relationship with her years ago. Which was harder for me than I can even articulate. We exchanged a few emails and she opened up and told me her life struggles etc. so I turn did the same. I never heard from her again and honestly, I felt kind of betrayed by that. That's my emotional response I know, but it really made me feel like crap that I reached so far out of my comfort zone and got nothing back once I opened up to her.
Part of my wants to embrace her and try again to develop some sort of friendly relationship and the other part of me doesn't even ever want to meet her. I don't know what to do and I struggle to talk about it with him sometimes because although we are in a better place, we still aren't where we want to be with each other and it's hard to be really vulnerable with him right now.
All of my friends are married and in traditional relationships (most also live far away) and we moved last year to a small town and I still don't really know anyone here. That leads to feelings of isolation and extreme loneliness sometimes especially when my partner is gone.
I'm hoping someone out there has some advice and a different perspective because I want to make this work, and I want to be the best version of myself...and I don't see getting there on my own.
Thanks so much everyone.
A few years later, 2014/2015 he hadn't been dating anyone and hadn't brought up that he would like to or was planning on it at that time. We had moved and I had surgery and soon after I faced the unexpected death of my younger (and only) sibling. That combined with some financial struggles I think made it hard to even think about pursuing other relationships. Fast forward to now. After some serious hardships and struggles not only with life in general but with each other we are finally getting to a good place with each other which I think is partially why he has recently re-kindled a romance with the same woman he was dating years ago. I'm having a really hard time with it this time around. Harder than last time and I'm trying to figure out why. I have always been a free thinker and somewhat of a non-conformist so logically it is very easy for me to understand the motivation for wanting to connect intimately with other people. Emotionally however, it's infinitely more difficult for me. I get mad at myself a lot. My heart and brain don't agree and when I find myself thinking the worst when I know logically there is no reason for it, I become increasingly frustrated with myself.
I think one of the things that bothers me most is knowing my partner the way I do, and remembering what things were like when we first got together. The time when everything is magical and "real life" issues like money, parenting, jobs etc. don't even exist. When you are able to focus only on the connection you have with this magical person. He gets to have that with her, and our reality is much different obviously. I feel like she gets all the amazing parts of him and I get all the real life bs, that most of us would rather not deal with you know? The romance and passion isn't there all the time, and there are things he used to do for me and say about me that he hasn't in years anymore. To think someone else gets all of that while I am at home taking care of the day to day life crap, is really tough. Don't misunderstand, I'm not really angry, more sad and maybe a little hurt if anything. I love him and I want him to be happy truly. I really do. But the idea that someone else is getting the him that I used to get and never get anymore, breaks my heart a little.
I have never met this woman, though I know a little about her and I even tried to develop a friendly relationship with her years ago. Which was harder for me than I can even articulate. We exchanged a few emails and she opened up and told me her life struggles etc. so I turn did the same. I never heard from her again and honestly, I felt kind of betrayed by that. That's my emotional response I know, but it really made me feel like crap that I reached so far out of my comfort zone and got nothing back once I opened up to her.
Part of my wants to embrace her and try again to develop some sort of friendly relationship and the other part of me doesn't even ever want to meet her. I don't know what to do and I struggle to talk about it with him sometimes because although we are in a better place, we still aren't where we want to be with each other and it's hard to be really vulnerable with him right now.
All of my friends are married and in traditional relationships (most also live far away) and we moved last year to a small town and I still don't really know anyone here. That leads to feelings of isolation and extreme loneliness sometimes especially when my partner is gone.
I'm hoping someone out there has some advice and a different perspective because I want to make this work, and I want to be the best version of myself...and I don't see getting there on my own.
Thanks so much everyone.