Stuck as the “other”, in a couples sex relationship

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Purple Dove

New member
So some back story, I’ve been roommates with my friend when she moved out with her boyfriend. Then we all got together and had a threesome at their new place. Ever since we have been banging on the weekends.
Being a single person it has been great being able to get my sexual needs taken care of, especially by two people I really trust. Being demisexual really sucks, I can’t just fuck around, I only catch feelings for people I really know and trust.
So my dating/sex is really limited to almost no one besides my friends.
And now being in this relationship isn’t like 100% polyamory because they exclusively said they didn’t want to include me in their long relationship. Which really fucking sucked because of the fact that I really fell for both of them and me being the one that caught feelings after we all proclaimed our interest in each other thought it meant I was going to be a part of the relationship. But I was quickly mistaken.
I couldn’t let go, you know being a single person that has a strong sexual appetite when I’m in love with someone, I was stuck here having sex with my two best friends, but at the same time being left out.
They regularly have sex without me like normal couples, but I can only have sex if they are both interested at the same time. Otherwise it’s a No, which is really fucking sad for me because of the fact that my dumb brain has sex mode turned on because I’m stupidly in love with them. But since they are not, they don’t owe anything towards my sexual desire so I’m left with going blue balls while I’m aching for intimacy.
I just feel trapped, like I have no value in the relationship and I don’t want to stop doing it with them because they both like me and I like them but it’s like a one-sided relationship.
I feel sad, partially used, and also like a side piece for both of them while being in the same room. I can’t just leave because they are both my best friends and they are the only friends I have really. So I’m just feeling super horny and sad.
Is there anyone that can give me advice or tips or something to help me out?
 
Don't beat yourself up for choosing this right now.

A friend recently said this to me about something similar.

"It's like being in a desert with no water and you come across a gallon of beer. Now, you know that it will probably make you more dehydrated and lose your way, BUT it also might be the difference between you stumbling into some actual water and surviving".

So sometimes you have to kind of fill your immediate needs, sometimes by not so wise choices, just to get to a place where you can get to a healthier source of fulfillment.

You've taken the first step, you know the risks. At some point, you'll be in a place where you find that risk unnecessary or the risk changes. For example, if you found (an)other partner(s), some fun sex with your good friends wouldn't be the source of pain that it is now. It would be a bonus. To get to a place where you're sending out the vibes that attract such people, you might need to be having fun sex and have some basic intimacy needs fulfilled (like with your friends). This could all be part of the process.
 
I'm sorry you're feeling somewhat unfulfilled by your relationships with your friends.

Please remember that triads consist of 3 Vs stacked up.

You + your ex
You + her bf
Your ex + her bf

Each dyad will have its own dynamic. So, even if they were open to it, you'd never be part of "their" relationship. You'd have your own unique relationships with each of them.

Right now, you're feeling like the whole triad is lopsided because you've fallen in love with each of them individually. Or, you never fell out of love with your so-called ex. And you're in NRE with the whole new poly dynamic. It's got you really turned on, but you'd like to be able to have sex (and probably regular dates) with each one individually. However, this couple has decided to only "play as a couple" and limit themselves by not allowing themselves to fall in love with anyone else, as individuals. Personally, I find that sad. But it's their choice.

Seasoned gave you good advice. I'd also recommend you get out there and make more friends, and hopefully go on dates with new prospective partners as soon as possible. You sound a bit too dependent and enmeshed with these 2 people who can't give you all that you want. You deserve more.
 
Hello Purple Dove,

That sounds like a really frustrating situation, you are strongly in love with both of your friends, but they are not in love with you. Plus they have this rule that you can only engage (sexually) with both of them at the same time, you aren't "allowed" to engage with each of them individually. All taken together, you very much want more sex than they are offering, and you can't have sex with anyone else (right now) because you don't have such a deep friendship with anyone else, and you are demisexual.

It will take a while, but eventually you might be able to form a deep friendship with someone new, and that might mean you finally get the sex you need and deserve. It would be nice if you could convince both of your current friends to fall in love with you and treat you more as an equal, but I don't know if that's possible. They seem to have their own ideas about how they want a "triad" to look, you are like their "unicorn."

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Sounds like all they can offer is a casual FWB thing. But participating in that as a demisexual? Sounds like you discovered you can't leave it like casual FWB thing. You started to fall in love or fell in love with with them. But this is all they can offer -- they aren't looking for a long term polyamorous relationship. They aren't in love with you.

Which is fair. People can prefer what they prefer. It's part of dating. Figuring out what lines up and what does not.

It does not line up here long term from the sound of it.

So... you could keep going IF you can keep it in the right box -- FWB and that's it. WHILE you go seek other people to date. Like casual sex to scratch the itch but not because you think this is more than that.

And if you cannot keep it in that box? You can only focus on who you share sex with and being with them PREVENTS you from focussing and dating others? You keep putting energy into something that isn't gonna be what you want long term? You are gonna have to stop. And "officially break up" the FWB thing. Why pick at a scab?

Could end the FWB thing in order for the "in love" feelings to fade. So you can return to being friends only with them.

AND free up some of your time/energy to pursue dating people that are more compatible.

I feel sad, partially used, and also like a side piece for both of them while being in the same room. I can’t just leave because they are both my best friends and they are the only friends I have really. So I’m just feeling super horny and sad.
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If they were up front about this being casual group sex only? And you agreed to go there? That's not them using you. That's you making a choice that later you changed you mind about.

You don't have to stop being friends with them. It's ok to stop sharing casual sex wtih them if it's not working out for you because you discovered it's not your cup of tea.

I get that it might FEEL like you are stuck, because you don't have other things going on in your life but these two people. And at least this way you are getting some sex.... but at a price. And the other way? You taking some space to transition from FWB to "friends only" may mean you have to be on your own on some weekends for a bit. Which also comes at a price -- feeling bored or lonely.

But remember you aren't aren't stuck. You CAN stop. What you choose to do/not do belongs to you.

Could examine WHY don't you have other things going on. Were you too latched on to these two? Struggling with shyness? Codependency? Need to work on social skills? It might be a good time to work on yourself and get to healthier, more balanced living.

I think you could take the edge off with masturbation while you figure out other people to date/become lovers with that can offer you more of what you actually want in your romances. It might be fun looking at and then buying some new toys.

And also branch out and make more friends so these 2 aren't your ONLY friends. What are your interests or hobbies? If you like to do yoga or hike... could you meet people at yoga class or in a hiking group? That sort of thing.

Perhaps set a boundary of "I don't do FWB any more" if this was an experience you don't care to repeat.

Take it as a learning opportunity and a chance to grow.

Be kind to yourself.

Galagirl
 
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You tried something new, the conditions with your friends didn't work out, now you have stronger self knowledge for your wants, desires, and needs and it is time to move on and make new friends, lovers, and long term partners in the vain you wish your current friends could be.

It is tough to avoid beating up on yourself in this situation, telling yourself you should have known better, and being disappointed in yourself and your friends. It's tough because you can clearly see the "perfect" (is there ever really) romantic and sexual situation for you. It's tough because even though you knew you were demi, you feel like you "allowed" yourself to be taken advantage by your friends for just sex when you want more. It's really hard to see the silver lining when all caught up in the feelings that got a hold of you. Those are hard things to feel about yourself and reframe to get yourself where you want to go without feeling lose.

But you 3 got a gift of clarity. You are clear in the relationship dynamic you would prefer. They are clear they a sexual play couple at minimum or FwB couple play to swingers at most. You are both a clear relationship and sexualiaty paths but they diverge from here. Be happy for the clarity and work on moving on for your sake. Time to make new friends and new lovers!
 
I'll tell you what. It is not easy to find true love; let's just put that out there. Finding a person who can receive your full heart (and body) and give theirs in return is a major quest. Even if we acknowledge that not all good relationships can last "forever," finding someone who can happily, gladly meet you on most levels of your desire takes time.

Personally, to meet my sexual needs, I have somewhat settled for good FWBs, rather than full-on lovers, a few times. I have a full-time nesting partner whom I love madly (and vice versa) but her libido does not match mine, plus I love male energy as much as female, so over time, I have sought for and found men who could make me feel great sexually and provide me with friendship, hoping for love. But some were not willing or able to give me all of themselves. Once in a while I do hit gold. I met Aries last fall (after talking online for a couple years until the stars aligned), and it seems to be a real love match! So, I encourage you to keep trying. :)
 
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I am in the same boat as you. Which is what lead me to this group. Desperately trying to reconcile the situation that has been going on for 5 years now. So much of our daily lives together feels like a relationship but they often remind me that I am NOT in a relationship with them. I ended uo with them while on a polyamory dating site that unbeknownst to me at the time was connected to AFF sistersite, but by the time we figured out that we were actually not on the same page and actually clicked as people, it was too late. I was hooked and they have changed my life for the better. In many ways they have saved me and I feel indebted to them which only adds to my romantic feelings for them. It’s complicated for me and I suspect for them to a degree though don't think they would ever admit it.
 
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