Stuck in a rut....now I have the darkness stuck in my head

[Notsopurplegoldfish]

Hey hey so first post / intro thingy here.

I've only recently found out about various forms of non-mono etc etc thanks to Google and a lot of what I read...without sounding too vague or going into too much detail gels all to well with past behaviours , situations and feelings, failures and a general outlook on life.

My current situation is that I'm trying again in yet another mono relationship but it's been a good part of a decade now of just sucking it and see. Yes there are good moments and bad and plenty of almost breakup moments , plenty of arguments yet she feels it's still worth continuing and usually after hours of being talked at I feel so exhausted everything just continues along as usual. I've always felt uncomfortable within the relationship but the same was always the case with every relationship like I'm being controlled or I feel claustrophobic or being restrained like I want to go out and live my life and experience new things and have those happy moments shared with lots of people at all levels of intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex, for example sharing watching a sunrise with someone and not feeling like you can't have them rest their head on your shoulders without fear of some kind kind of jelous backlash by your apparent owner...

Anyhow I'm uncertain what to do at this moment. She knows how I feel and has attempted to look into poly but just attributes it to sleeping around which I think she just latches onto out of jealousy and an adversion to wanting me to explore it. She tells me she doesn't mind trying messing around with other people but doesn't want any ties or anyone else to be treated at the same level or partner status.

(Another cause of arguments as I generally feel the same level of care and have the same respect for everyone which I'm always meant to feel is wrong)

I wonder though if I'm just wasting my time and she's just telling me what I want to hear as a method of control. As when it comes to action there's always some kind of aversion such as "wait until we move first" or this needs to happen first or we wait until things are better with us which seems to be used as an open ended argument.

I'm at the point of considering cuting ties and making some big life changes which causes massive anxiety to try and get past. Or sticking it out her way and see how it ends up which also comes with the anxiety of ending up 40 and still feeling the same with little or no change and like I've missed out on really knowing myself.

Soo much brain fog it hurts :/

... Guess I'm just wondering how it all went for anyone else in a similar position and if it's going to be ok!?

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

My current situation is that I'm trying again in yet another mono relationship but it's been a good part of a decade now of just sucking it and see.

Sounds like you want to stop participating here like that. And in future... maybe you don't want to spend 10 years of "sucking it and see." If things aren't working out well, maybe decide to end it faster?

Maybe this helps you assess.

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go

Yes there are good moments and bad and plenty of almost breakup moments , plenty of arguments yet she feels it's still worth continuing and usually after hours of being talked at I feel so exhausted everything just continues along as usual.

Well... do you feel like it's worth continuing here? If not... why keep participating here?

Would you like to end this thing that isn't working? And when you date again, tell them from the beginning you prefer non-monogamy? So they know it going in, and if they experience jealousy or whatever... you expect them to do their own emotional management appropriately. Like ask you for help, ok. But act out at you or do "backlash" stuff -- no, thank you.

Would you prefer that?

She tells me she doesn't mind trying messing around with other people but doesn't want any ties or anyone else to be treated at the same level or partner status.

Again... that is stuff she wants.

What do YOU want?

I'm at the point of considering cuting ties and making some big life changes which causes massive anxiety to try and get past.

Contemplating change, even when wanted, can be scary. Esp if you've been used to one way of going for 10+ years.

At the same time? Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one life.

without fear of some kind kind of jelous backlash by your apparent owner...

You don't have to choose this. You don't have to pick sticking around with this partner if this is how you are treated.

I suggest you do your soul searching and figure out what YOU want. Not what she wants or says she will accept.

Figure out what YOU want. Then get on with creating the life you decided you want. It might mean doing it without this partner.

Guess I'm just wondering how it all went for anyone else in a similar position and if it's going to be ok!?

It will be ok. However it is you choose to author your life, it's YOUR story right?

From my experience, so long as I'm trying to live my life true to my values and not shrinking myself, even if I make mistakes in choices? I can live with it. Because at least I was TRYING to go in the direction I wanted to go in. YKWIM?

Here you sound like you are shrinking yourself into a box. Not happy but not making waves because she might have a cow.

And yeah, at least it is a familiar box. But still... a box. Is that any way to live? You sound like you don't want this.

Versus thinking about leaving the box. And oh crap! No more familiar box and venturing into the unknown is scary! But... hooray! No more box then!

It's ok to feel up and downy when contemplating a change.

the anxiety of ending up 40 and still feeling the same with little or no change and like I've missed out on really knowing myself.

Well, what change do you want to create?

I think you might be happier ending it with this partner who sounds incompatible. And going off into the unknown to do new things elsewhere without them.

After ending it? Whether you life leads to some great or not so great choices and experiences? At least you are living more authentically and according to what YOU value. And YOU are the one who gets to make the choice. Not her telling you what to do or how to be and you accepting that.

Don't put yourself in a box for other people. It's ok to take up the space you do.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey, I agree with everything GalaGirl said.

I would add, do it now, so you can start leading your authentic life asap. In a way, deciding to respect yourself and live poly is the same as acknowledging to yourself that you're gay. Living in the closet and acting in ways that run counter to your true self will always be frustrating and horrible.

I encourage you to take the plunge and jump off that cliff. I did it. I was from an older generation. I was in line with acting mono from age 19-52. I was married for 30 years and still left my husband. We had 3 kids, a lovely home and he made great money. Yet I was a bird in a gilded cage. He was suspicious and jealous of every connection I made, sometimes even of my platonic intimacy with my sister and my good female friends, sometimes even of my celebrity crushes! OMG, it was such a relief to be out from under that cloud.

As soon as we split, the universe brought many lovely people my way, including my current anchor partner, Pixi, with whom I have a more beautiful open relationship than I'd ever dreamed possible.

If I did it, you can too.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Notsopurplegoldfish,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to be in the process of trying to determine what matters the most to you in life. Does your mono relationship matter more to you than poly/nonmono, or does poly/nonmono matter more to you than your mono relationship? Weigh the two in your hands. Put poly/nonmono in your left hand, and put your mono relationship in your right hand. Test their weight, back and forth. Which one weighs more. Which one most determines your happiness in life?

On the same token, you are in the process of trying to determine whether the safe and familiar is healthier for you, or is the new and scary healthier. If the former, then you should stay with this mono woman. If the latter, then you should cut the ties and venture out into the world of nonmonogamy. Again, place the safe and familiar in your right hand, and place the new and scary in your left hand. Test their weight, bobbing each hand up and down. Which one weighs the most? Which one most supports your mental health and happiness?

Of course it's possible that your partner will change her mind about poly, like she will accept the prospects of ties, emotional connections, and for others to be treated at the same level or partner status. It's possible she will change her mind, but not probable. Like you said, she already knows how you feel, and she has already attempted to look into poly, but she still attributes it to sleeping around, does not like it, and doesn't want you to explore it. What more do you need to know? If you are going to stay with her, you will have to sacrifice your poly feelings and inclinations. Is that what you want to do?

I don't know if she has looked at https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html#polyamory-faq -- which explains the basics of poly, and clarifies that poly is much more than just sleeping around. I also have links for managing one's own jealousy, if she would be interested in that and willing to try it, I can post that in this thread if you think it might help, let me know.

I hope I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[BrokenArrow]

Hi! Sounds like some rough waters to be in. I'm a little new to this whole thing so please, take what I say with a grain of salt.

You said you've been "talked at" for hours and it's exhausting. I know the feeling. Do you get to do much talking during these sessions?

This sounds like a major breakdown in communication. A conversation about things like this, in my opinion, should go along the lines of both parties working to see things from the other's point of view while at the same time trying to paint a picture of your own view so the other side can see it more clearly.

My wife, Spitfire, is not the worlds greatest communicator but she feels very strongly about... well pretty much everything. One of the things that's helped us out is taking that kind of strategy. We have some great long talks, especially recently. Taking the time to understand how she communicates can help you show her how to express herself to you.

I'm a big fan of digging deeper. Spitfire will say something blunt and I let her know how it makes me feel and I'll ask her what she means. When she expands on it, it's normally something entirely different than what it sounded like. Then I'll ask what she feels the motivation for that opinion comes from or why she thinks she feels that way. It's helped us understand each other a lot more.

Good communication depends on both party's willingness to hear and be heard. If you're not really willing to work at it, then are you really willing to work at the relationship at all?

That said, grain of salt. Hope you find your happiness.

 

[ToniO]

Hello Notsopurplegoldfish,

I have to agree with GalaGirl on the fact that what you need to decide is what do YOU want. Not your lady, your parents, your co-workers, or who ever.

I lived in numerous monogamous relationships before I was brave enough to say what I really wanted. All the monogamous relationships failed, and I think they would've kept failing for me.

I've been with my current girlfriend for 3 years. She comes from a strictly monogamous background so going into this relationship I was determined to "put my foot down" and tell my SO that this is how I like to live my life, and I want her to be with me as long as she can accept me as I am.

It wasn't easy. At times even today it still isn't. But we've found a very happy place in our open relationship. Even though her brain was wired to a completely different setup, she is happy living with me and meeting other people nowadays. I think if I would've been too vague on what I want, she would've never actually taken it seriously enough to fully commit to my lifestyle. And this goes back to what GalaGirl wrote...

Just reflecting your thoughts on my experiences. I hope it helps.

Best, Toni