Hi, my lovely group of people,
I am new here. I don’t know what to look for,. I don’t expect an immediate answer, but it doesn’t hurt to introduce myself and my situation.
I have a husband of 10 years. We have a young daughter. I would say he is a very good friend. Intellectually, we connect pretty well. I was not very in love with him after a few years. (I had passion at the beginning, but I was very young then, and he was my first and only man.) Overall, we were pretty stable, and I was not doubting anything back then. I didn’t have the concept of “personal fulfillment” in marriage since it is not there in my culture that I grew up in (East Asian). It is more about responsibility.
Then we moved here for higher education. Retrospectively thinking, the ideals of fulfillment, freedom, etc., started to grow on me, initially academically, then socially. It was just a matter of time that they reached my personal life. Overall, I would say in the past 10 years, my husband and I grew apart quite a bit. We both grew, but separately.
Then I fell for a man from my home country (BF, for clarity) mutually more than a year ago. (He was friend a year before that.) I didn’t actively look for another relationship, since my expectation for relationships was met back then. Before him, I had some crushes on people, mostly in fantasy, without getting to know the person. I had good relationship with men in general, affectionate and friendly. I have a couple of close male friends of many years that I can talk pretty much about anything. So it is not a lack of interaction with men in general. I just find it very easy to be friends with men, but very difficult to pass the line to enter romantic territory.
I regarded BF as a very good friend that I could share any conversation and ideals. Then I suddenly realized we were in love. However, we were very long distance, so at that time, we didn’t even meet in person.
This brought me about a year-long struggle with relationship with my husband. I told him about my emotional connection with BF once I was very sure (about a month later). This led to lots of growing pain, lots of reading and discussion, some consulting sessions… Bottom line, I realized that my husband had higher expectations of the marriage, and still loves me, and felt hurt.
Our current situation: BF and I view each other as soul mates. We connected strongly, and we also met in person (the plan was agreed between me and my husband, but he was not light-hearted).
We are long distance, the opposite sides of the earth, so we are not really in each other’s life at this moment. I don’t feel like needing other men romantically if not him. We both realized that our current priority is our families. We would meet once or twice a year, maybe more if we can move closer. We will wait till the kids left the house, if both households are stable for kids to grow up in.
I view my husband as family or a friend. I didn’t feel attracted and didn’t feel intimate. (I don’t mean it can’t be developed, but I doubt it ) Previously I have had sex with him, but I take it more as responsibility. Now I don’t feel like it, and I understand that would upset BF, even if he wouldn’t break up because of it. My and my husband’s priority is our daughter, and we learned to live with conflicts while respecting each other. We learned not to fight in front of our daughter. We both work to support the family, share house duties, very good collaboration on parenting. As long as we can live under the same roof in a peaceful and friendly way, I don’t want to separate the family. Sometimes we take a walk or have a conversation during dinner. I would say we get to know ourselves and each other better than before, minus intimacy.
They are both mono, probably quite exclusively. I really hope that my husband can find another interest. I wish he were happier. He made it clear that he respects my freedom, but he is not looking for others.
I think it is a situation that everyone is stuck. Its not fulfilling for anyone. At the same time, it seems no better other ways. None of us are really poly, but if we apply the principles and arrangements of poly relationships, we may get the most out of it. The thing is, I don’t feel like having sex with my husband, I would rather be alone. I may do it as my responsibility, but I am not sure whether that does any good to anyone.
I think a good thing is that all of us are willing to wait for a looooooong time, to see where it goes. I write here now trying to see where may be a good direction. Thank you for reading, if you got here.
I am new here. I don’t know what to look for,. I don’t expect an immediate answer, but it doesn’t hurt to introduce myself and my situation.
I have a husband of 10 years. We have a young daughter. I would say he is a very good friend. Intellectually, we connect pretty well. I was not very in love with him after a few years. (I had passion at the beginning, but I was very young then, and he was my first and only man.) Overall, we were pretty stable, and I was not doubting anything back then. I didn’t have the concept of “personal fulfillment” in marriage since it is not there in my culture that I grew up in (East Asian). It is more about responsibility.
Then we moved here for higher education. Retrospectively thinking, the ideals of fulfillment, freedom, etc., started to grow on me, initially academically, then socially. It was just a matter of time that they reached my personal life. Overall, I would say in the past 10 years, my husband and I grew apart quite a bit. We both grew, but separately.
Then I fell for a man from my home country (BF, for clarity) mutually more than a year ago. (He was friend a year before that.) I didn’t actively look for another relationship, since my expectation for relationships was met back then. Before him, I had some crushes on people, mostly in fantasy, without getting to know the person. I had good relationship with men in general, affectionate and friendly. I have a couple of close male friends of many years that I can talk pretty much about anything. So it is not a lack of interaction with men in general. I just find it very easy to be friends with men, but very difficult to pass the line to enter romantic territory.
I regarded BF as a very good friend that I could share any conversation and ideals. Then I suddenly realized we were in love. However, we were very long distance, so at that time, we didn’t even meet in person.
This brought me about a year-long struggle with relationship with my husband. I told him about my emotional connection with BF once I was very sure (about a month later). This led to lots of growing pain, lots of reading and discussion, some consulting sessions… Bottom line, I realized that my husband had higher expectations of the marriage, and still loves me, and felt hurt.
Our current situation: BF and I view each other as soul mates. We connected strongly, and we also met in person (the plan was agreed between me and my husband, but he was not light-hearted).
We are long distance, the opposite sides of the earth, so we are not really in each other’s life at this moment. I don’t feel like needing other men romantically if not him. We both realized that our current priority is our families. We would meet once or twice a year, maybe more if we can move closer. We will wait till the kids left the house, if both households are stable for kids to grow up in.
I view my husband as family or a friend. I didn’t feel attracted and didn’t feel intimate. (I don’t mean it can’t be developed, but I doubt it ) Previously I have had sex with him, but I take it more as responsibility. Now I don’t feel like it, and I understand that would upset BF, even if he wouldn’t break up because of it. My and my husband’s priority is our daughter, and we learned to live with conflicts while respecting each other. We learned not to fight in front of our daughter. We both work to support the family, share house duties, very good collaboration on parenting. As long as we can live under the same roof in a peaceful and friendly way, I don’t want to separate the family. Sometimes we take a walk or have a conversation during dinner. I would say we get to know ourselves and each other better than before, minus intimacy.
They are both mono, probably quite exclusively. I really hope that my husband can find another interest. I wish he were happier. He made it clear that he respects my freedom, but he is not looking for others.
I think it is a situation that everyone is stuck. Its not fulfilling for anyone. At the same time, it seems no better other ways. None of us are really poly, but if we apply the principles and arrangements of poly relationships, we may get the most out of it. The thing is, I don’t feel like having sex with my husband, I would rather be alone. I may do it as my responsibility, but I am not sure whether that does any good to anyone.
I think a good thing is that all of us are willing to wait for a looooooong time, to see where it goes. I write here now trying to see where may be a good direction. Thank you for reading, if you got here.
