I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Why do you choose to participate in this way?
Would you prefer a healthier relationship with Infinity than him making you be the sole source of his happiness?
FWIW, this is what pops out to me. I could be totally wrong in my impressions. But I think you are best taking bull by the horns. Soul search. Decide if you want to be with Infinity in a healthier way or let him go. Because being with him the old way felt stifling to you and you are enjoying not doing that any more. Or at least you don't seem to.
He wants things clearly defined and rules and boundaries set in place.
What kind of things?
- What is already defined?
- What are the rules and boundaries that are already in place?
- How are they not serving him well?
- What does he want to change?
Has he articulated any of this?
He is not happy about sharing my time. He is trying though and we are adapting to staying within his comfort zone.
How is he trying to share your time?
Right now he seems to take up a lot of it with you doing his emotional work with him/for him rather than him seeking a counselor or talking to a close friend. That's not sharing your time. That sounds like trying to hog it.
How far beyond his comfort zone is he willing to go at this point in time? Because in order to grow more comfortable, one must go beyond the present comfort zone.
I get not wanting to take a giant leap and feeling it is too much or feeling
uncomfortable uncomfortable. (Ex: You going on vacation with Galaxy for 3 months with no contact)
But what is
comfortably uncomfortable right now? And is he willing to try that on so he can become more comfortable with it? (Ex: An all day date with her to do shopping, dinner, and a movie? )
He literally just said last night he wants to stop swinging.
That's his choice. But it doesn't have anything to do with your side of the Open relationship.
Or is he thinking "I'll stop swinging, so StumblingAlong will stop poly dating" in this situation?
Like it's some kind of bargaining chip?
He also that he doesn't want to ask me to stop seeing Galaxy because he knows i'd be upset but he wants to make it so hard on us that she and i stop seeing each other.
I'm not sure how making things hard for you and Galaxy demonstrates him "trying" -- it sounds more like sabotage.
I suppose you could thank him for the "honesty." But it seems manipulative to me.
Like he is in an uncomfortable situation. If it has gone beyond his limit of tolerance, he could take responsibiliy for his well being.
- He could ask if you are willing to end it. Get more information. He cannot be mind reader.
- If yes, he stays.
- If no, he removes himself from your poly network so he can be free of discomfort
- Or he chooses to remove himself from a situation that makes him super uncomfortbale without asking you for more info. He just decides to get off this bus ride he doesn't like.
Either way, he could take personal responsibility for himself and his choices.
Instead, he tells you he's tempted to "make things hard” and shifts responsibility for his well being over to you.
The result sounds like you spending more time with him doing his emotional processing with/for him so he
doesn't resort to "making things hard for me and Galaxy."
So basically he's made it easier on himself.
- He's got you spending extra time with him so he doesn't have to learn to share time.
- And he's got you doing his emotional processing with him/for him so he doesn't have to deal with his depression/find an actual therapist
- He's found the button to push if he feels like you aren't giving him enough attention. He can threaten to sabotage again.
Infinity ask me to open this part of me up. The part of me that likes women.
I feel he only likes this part of me when it means he and i can "play" together so he doesn't feel guilty for swinging.
Could you please be willing to clarify? Are you saying Infinity wanted you to open this side of you up -- you being with women... mostly for the things HE might get out of it? So he could get...
- get relief from feeling guilty about him swinging?
- get a bargaining chip? He agrees for you to do this, so now you have to do X for him?
- give him a chance at a threesome with you and the new woman?
- for you to swing with him?
And now that he's not getting them, he wants to make it so YOU shut it down all down so he get what he wants without having to feel bad/guilty for playing you?
He says he loves me but i dont know if he can love this part of me.
He loves you? Or he loves services he
gets from you?
I told him for years i wouldn't open myself up like this because i know me and i knew i would want and find an emotional relationship and i knew he would struggle with that. Now i have opened myself up and i feel more me than i have in a long time and he is struggling to handle it.
How compatible are you and Infinity? I wouldn't suggest to going back to how it was. You sounded stifled. I'm not sure why you would choose to do that -- to shrink yourself for his comfort. But since you feel better not doing that any more, don't go back to putting yourself in a box.
If you see him struggling with this so much -- have the conversations you need to be having. Including maybe parting ways so he can be free FROM poly things he doesn't seem to want. And you can be free TO poly in the way you wish.
He is very scared of the emotional attachment. To him i am his sole source of happiness. He is depressed and has been for a while. Even before Galaxy and before polyamory i never focused on him as my sole source of happiness. My happiness is up to me. I cant expect any one thing or person to be the sole source of my happiness.
Is he in treatment for his depression?
Does he take personal responsibility for that or is managing his depression your job too?
I wonder if him calling you his "source of happiness" is just another way of saying "Be my crutch, my enabler?"
Do you think he would ever share that belief? That HE is charge of his own happiness -- not other people? Or is this an incompatible thing between you?
Because if his expectation is that you will be his "source of happiness"...
- you will date women so he can get threesomes or a swing partner out of you
- you will avoid doing things so doesn't feel uncomfortable being in the poly network he chose to be in
- you will NOT date and get too attached Galaxy so he can feel comfortable thinking he's the only one you are attached to
That sounds really
draining for you.
At what point do you let him be responsible for his emotional management?
At what point do you let him be responsible for his choices and what he chooses to participate in?
At what point do you say "No. I see you are hurting. I'm sorry you are hurting. But this is not something I am willing and able to do/help you sort out. You need to find a different solution than me doing X for you."
What to me feels like a double standard is very frustrating. I feel as if im expected to be ok with him swinging, which i am, but like he would rather cause my relationship to end rather than try to deal with and learn from the emotions he feels because of it.
I could be wrong, but I think you basically call it.
He wanted you do "open up" this side of you and date women. But now he's not "getting" enough out of this or "getting" what he wanted from this -- you swinging with him or him having access to your partners as more "play partners" for him or whatever he was wanting. So now he wants you to stop.
And he wants you to be happy about that, because that's your job. To make the world the way it needs to be so he doesn't feel too yucky.
I suggest you do some soul searching about whether or not you want to be in a poly network with Infinity.
If this is a drag, but you want to stay with him, then I suggest you end it with Galaxy and apologize, and then firm it up with Infinity. It has to be a NEW relationship with Infinity -- not the old way with you stifling yourself.
Could tell Inifitniy you want to be with him if he's seeking help for his depression and he STOPS making you the source of all his happiness. He learns to create it for himself and stands on his own feet. Nobody needs a drain like that. You stop seeing Galaxy and he starts seeing a counselor. Otherwise it's just shrinking yourself again -- and that should not be an option on the table.
If after soul searching you decide you do NOT want to be in a poly network with Infinity? Not even if he is in counseling? You are done with the slow drain and just want to get off the bus? Then you could end it with him firmly. Because he's not in a hurry to end it himself.
Galagirl
