Support when my partner's other relationship is ending

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'm not too sure what those boundaries look like. I do need to know some information about his other relationship. Any ideas on boundaries that might help in situations like this? I am happy to consider anything at this point.


A different take for sure - but you could be right on this. I'll keep your idea here in mind, if they end up going through this again (and again?). Thank you

I think what @LoveBunny said is actually the crux of it:

Right, it's for each individual decide wherein their own commitment lies, be it to a particular person or persons, or to the institute of marriage, or to the ideals of polyamory.

Potentially, this may be where you need to be compatible.

So for me, my commitment is ultimately with polyamory, and that is true of just about everyone I'd call partner at this instant. That gives me a sense of security, in that I have some assurance that my partners aren't going to want to have a monogamous relationship with me any time soon, because they don't want one with anyone. I also have as much certainty as I can that they're not going to go off and be monogamous with someone else, even a very entangled partner.

In the past, I've been the partner of someone who is ultimately committed to a person (at times, me) or the institution of a spouse-like relationship. Essentially, they're wanting to build a life partnership, with me or someone else, even if that requires exclusivity of some description. In those cases, I do not have that maximum assurance that they'll consistently make choices which are aligned with sustaining polyamory, especially not in a way that suits me.

I don't think this is always clear cut. It's a "tough choice," to go back to one of my earlier threads. I think a lot of people will resist having to make a call for as long as possible because, ideally, they'd not have to choose. Still, I think it's a useful question or discussion point with partners; particularly as a screening tool in the early days. It tells you how much it's safe to invest.

I don't think it's something that's worth arguing about. I don't think that every polyamorous person has to be ultimately committed to polyamory over a person or a "relationship goal." I mean, it would be nice, because we would all know where we are when someone says, "I'm poly." It could be easy to go reddit style, and try and make it a crime when someone currently identifies as poly, but would also stop having polyamorous relationships to sustain a relationship or build a marriage. This isn't practical, though.

For that reason, I think it's best left as a discussion point in the "get to know you" stage. It's best presented where there are no wrong answers and it's relatively low stakes. That way, if later actions don't align with what they said, you can "check in" and see if what they said still stands, and then they have the option to adjust their choices to align with those words, or say that they have ended up feeling differently. At least then you'd both know what went wrong and could leave with a better understanding of what works for you.

 

[Bobbi]

it's for each individual to decide wherein their own commitment lies, be it to a particular person or people, or to the institution of marriage, or to the ideals of polyamory.

This is a great point. I’ve discussed this with partners, as well. I am very much most committed to a person or people. I could have a mono relationship, but my boundary is I wont stop seeing current partners, as I have commitments to them also. (At a minimum, I wouldn't end the relationship unless I'm not happy and fulfilled in it. It has to be my decision to want to end the relationship, and monogamy would not be a factor.) I also won’t date anyone new, so as/if relationships end, I will not seek new partners. And I‘d expect the same from my partner (to not end current relationships), if that’s what we agree to do.

I don't think it’s okay for a 3rd person to make decisions about another’s relationships. People are not disposable, and neither are important relationships. It wouldn't be loving to treat my partner, or their partner, that way.

If, like in the OP's case, my partner were in a relationship that was negatively impacting me, I’d communicate that, and possibly leave if things didn’t get better.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

This is a great point. I’ve discussed this with partners as well. I am very much most committed to person/persons. I could have a mono relationship but my boundary is I wont stop seeing current partners as I have commitments to them also (at a minimum, i wont end the relationship unless im not happy and fulfilled in it. It has to be my decision to want to end the relationship and monogamy would not be a factor). I also won’t date anyone new so as/if relationships end, i will not seek new partners. And I‘d expect the same from my partner (to not end current relationships) If that’s what we agree to.

Yes, I think this is where I stand currently myself. As I don't know if I am truly poly, I approach things as you do here. Thank you for putting it in writing

I dont think it’s okay for a 3rd person to make decisions about another’s relationships. People are not disposable and neither are Important relationships. It wouldnt be loving to treat a partner that way, or their partner.

If, like in OP case, my partner was in a relationship thats negatively impacting me, then I’d communicate that and possibly leave if things don’t get better.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

I don't think it’s okay for a 3rd person to make decisions about another’s relationships. People are not disposable, and neither are important relationships. It wouldn't be loving to treat my partner, or their partner, that way.

If, like in the OP's case, my partner were in a relationship that was negatively impacting me, I’d communicate that, and possibly leave if things didn’t get better.

All that has gone on in the past week or so, and looking at the patterns overall in the last year, and with all the great ideas everyone's posts here have suggested, I suspect it could be that my partner Pisces, the hinge, really struggles to have capacity for two relationships when one is often in crisis, or when he himself is in crisis.

I think therein lies the heart of the matter. He and I have spoken if this "capacity" matter before. I say this not to blame, but to identify this as a real issue to tackle. If he does not have the capacity, why is he doing poly? What can he do to strengthen his resilience for a better capacity? What resources and support can he tap into?

For all you experienced hinges - how have you cultivated that capacity to manage multiple relationships? Any suggestions would be welcome. I am hoping to support him in this, because if not, one or both of these relationships may not survive. Things cannot go on as they currently are.

 

[Evie]

As a hinge, I pick partners who don't bring the drama. I did have a drama person once and, when I noticed this recurring (3 strikes), I ended the relationship. All up we were together about 5 months. So, yeah, I know that's no help as some people (Puck included) have a lot more...tolerance...to drama than I do.

 

[Bobbi]

I think therein lies the heart of the matter. He and I have spoken if this "capacity" matter before. I say this not to blame, but to identify this as a real issue to tackle.

That is a true issue, especially in a poly relationship

If he does not have the capacity, why is he doing poly?

that is the real question he needs to answer for himself. He needs to be an adult and figure out if hes willing to master the skills needed to have healthy boundaries in polyamory relationships. Can he say “no” to people? That’s an essential skill in poly. Its also essential to learn how to support without taking on others problems and being the “savior”.

how have you cultivated that capacity to manage multiple relationships

ive had enough history with unhealthy relationships that i dont enter them any more. Ive learned that love cannot conquer all and love is not enough. You can very much love a person thats not right or healthy for you. You need to let those go as hard as it is.

I have room for partners to go through a rough time but they HAVE to be actively working on getting better and showing that they are trying to make it work. If the problem is they can‘t do poly then a decision has to be made by someone to end it as that’s just not compatible.

ex. Pisces can institute a boundary over when he sees Blue (i think that was her nickname…im forgetting) and enforce those boundaries. (Also new thread so if i remember correctly, You and Blue are partners to pisces and he recently ended his marriage?) as such, blue shouldn’t expect to automatically pop into the primary slot and pisces shouldn’t let her do that. (I think it’s possible she thought that’s what would happen and then he would end things with you. Since that’s not happening, she’s having issues with that) Pisces can also expect Blue to get therapy and learn skills to cope with jealousy, being apart, being poly, etc. or decide she needs to be mono and end it with pisces.

all of this stuff is theirs to individually learn and take care of and not put their stuff on partners to “save” them from.

Holding onto a bad relationship in the name of love in the hopes that things change, and magically become wonderful, is a fantasy that will still end months or even years of misery later. There’s nothing worse than looking back and seeing years of heartache, stress, and depression that could have been avoided by just ending the relationship.

 

[Bobbi]

As a hinge, I pick partners who don't bring the drama

I have a similar philosophy, If a partner interferes or creates problems with my relationship with another partner then I will end that relationship. I let people know up front. You can be part of the solution or part of the problem. I am done saving people. That’s a Therapists job.

 

[GalaGirl]

All that has gone on in the past week or so, and looking at the patterns overall in the last year, and with all the great ideas everyone's posts here have suggested, I suspect it could be that my partner Pisces, the hinge, really struggles to have capacity for two relationships when one is often in crisis, or when he himself is in crisis.

So, does Pisces make the cut for you and what you seek in a partner, if he's often in crisis, or fielding other people's crises, and you get the short end of the stick?

I think therein lies the heart of the matter. He and I have spoken of this "capacity" matter before. I say this not to blame, but to identify this as a real issue to tackle. If he does not have the capacity, why is he doing poly? What can he do to strengthen his resilience for a better capacity? What resources and support can he tap into?

I think that's all his work he has to do for himself. He may or may not actually do it. But these are his responsibilities, his work, not yours.

If you see he doesn't have the capacity at this time, the question for you might be, "Why am I dating a person who doesn't have the capacity for poly? What do I expect will happen here?"

For all you experienced hinges-- how have you cultivated that capacity to manage multiple relationships?

To me, people already manage multiple relationships, family, friends, coworkers, etc. They don't all have to be romantic partners. Seeing how they deal with people in their life gives me clues as to how they will be with me. I've been attracted to certain people, but watching how they were with others made me go "Nrgh..."

I'm not interested in dating drama people-- people with poor boundaries, who go wherever the wind blows, say whatever to the person in front of them, avoid conflict, etc. I prefer people who are more steady in themselves and in their dealings.

I am hoping to support him in this, because if not, one or both of these relationships may not survive. Things cannot go on as they currently are.

What would appropriate support look like to you? Are you planning on doing all this coaching from the side, sending resources, etc., hoping he picks you, so you aren't the one he breaks up with? Why would it be a terrible thing if one of these relationships ended? Would you be the one to end it and remove yourself from the ups and downs?

As I don't know if I am truly poly, I approach things as you do here.

Do you actually want to be in a poly V thing, or not? Do you put up with it to gain access to dating Pisces?

Is it that you are up for poly, but you've figured out you'd rather do it with less dramatic people, with better personal boundaries than Pisces and Blue seem to have? Do you want to get off their rollercoaster?

If you are going to poly date, I think you could focus on yourself and how you want to be in YOUR poly practice. And NOT focus so much on whatever Pisces is or is not doing, or how Pisces is or is not being, and how to help him do HIS poly practice better.

Yeah, and I only have the one relationship right now. I've been trying to do the dating thing, and nobody is making my heart flutter and my bits tingle the way it does with my partner. One guy came close, then bolted (long story). So Pisces is my only. And I still am unsure if I am truly poly. I know I can be non-monogamous, but love more than one? It hasn't happened yet, and I'm not sure I am able.

If you find you are monoamorous (only want to love 1 sweetie) and polysexual/non-monogamous (want more than one sex/kink partner)? Then you have only 1 slot for sharing romantic love then. You get to decide if you find it worthwhile to spend it on Pisces or not.

If you are still figuring all that out? You still get to decide where you want to spend your time and energy and assess if where you spend it right now is still worth your while or not. NRE lasts 6-24 mos. Is it that the NRE is fading now that you got a closer look at what he's like over the past year?

Galagirl

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

If he does not have the capacity, why is he doing poly?

Probably because, from my understanding, he is in a long-term relationship with a married woman and doesn't have that type of partnership for himself, so he thought polyamory was a way he could keep that relationship and find others to supplement that one, or maybe even find another partnership like that of his own. I just don't think he accounted for the fact that it can be hard enough to find that type of relationship without having to navigate around another huge relationship.

Or, you're married too, right? Maybe he doesn't see the point in doing that for a relationship where it also won't be leading to that type of partnership. I really can't remember if you're married or not, but if you are, maybe he would make different choices with someone who has that availability.

The reality is that if either of you had different expectations and needs, he could be poly without these issues. He just may lack the capacity to have these two relationships specifically, because the people involved have conflicting needs.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Ah i just read back, you were married in the past but not now.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

Ah i just read back, you were married in the past but not now.

Hey Seasoned, just to clarify, yes, I was married until late 2016, and monogamous until 2015 when we opened our marriage. I am not married now, no.

As to Pisces, he had a 25 year relationship/marriage that was open for most of, so he was ENM, then poly for most of it, so is quite used to it, and his ex wife ended their marriage in 2022. He then took six months for himself to heal, during which Blue (who is married/lives with her family) had him "all to herself". Then he met me, the game changer.

We did speak again last night about capacity, and he has been having this conversation with himself for over a year. Part of it is because of his own mental health issues, and the stress and changes that happened with him at his work in the last year. He told me last night that if he had known how much craziness was going to go down at his work in the last year, he probably wouldn't have taken on a second relationship.

 

[ref2018]

We did speak again last night about capacity, and he has been having this conversation with himself for over a year. Part of it is because of his own mental health issues, and the stress and changes that happened with him at his work in the last year. He told me last night that if he had known how much craziness was going to go down at his work in the last year, he probably wouldn't have taken on a second relationship.

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Do Pisces and Blue *work* together, too?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Hey Seasoned, just to clarify, yes, I was married until late 2016, and monogamous until 2015 when we opened our marriage. I am not married now, no.

As to Pisces, he had a 25 year relationship/marriage that was open for most of, so he was ENM, then poly for most of it, so is quite used to it, and his ex wife ended their marriage in 2022. He then took six months for himself to heal, during which Blue (who is married/lives with her family) had him "all to herself". Then he met me, the game changer.

We did speak again last night about capacity, and he has been having this conversation with himself for over a year. Part of it is because of his own mental health issues, and the stress and changes that happened with him at his work in the last year. He told me last night that if he had known how much craziness was going to go down at his work in the last year, he probably wouldn't have taken on a second relationship.

That's valid. You can't predict.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Do Pisces and Blue *work* together, too?

No, they don't. My partner has a pretty demanding position though, and their division had a huge upheaval last year.

 

[Bobbi]

As to Pisces, he had a 25 year relationship/marriage that was open for most of, so he was ENM, then poly for most of it, so is quite used to it, and his ex wife ended their marriage in 2022. He then took six months for himself to heal, during which Blue (who is married/lives with her family) had him "all to herself". Then he met me, the game changer.

This says a lot.

- Pisces was married, and poly, with Blue as his secondary.
- Blue is also married, so I am wondering why she's putting so much on Pisces.
- Then you entered, as the game changer, and there was a big shake up.

A game changer entered my life, and from my perspective, it changed everything. It changed my definition of love, of what I do and don‘t want in my relationships, and how I want to live. Thankfully, my other partners were either just de-escalating our relationships, or not that serious.

If Pisces went through anything like I did, the only way he's sticking this out is if he's a fixer and people pleaser. He wants to stick with it to make her happy. He doesn't want to be the cause of her pain. Unfortunately, he can‘t relieve her pain by doing anything other than letting one of you go. This will continue until one of the relationships ends.

Even with Blue being married, if her feelings for Pisces are super strong, having a new person be a game changer would be painful indeed. If she can’t find a way to let go of wanting to be number 1 with Pisces, this will continue until someone ends one of the relationships. It cannot work the way it is now.

Pisces might have to just be frank with Blue and say something like, "I love you, and want to continue a relationship with you, but your inability to manage your feelings is making me really unhappy, stressed, and worn out. My job is demanding and I just don't have the energy to help you with being okay with my life. It’s apparent you are not happy in this relationship. It‘s time for you to either get professional help to stop relying on me, or we should end this relationship.”

If Blue can't make the decision, or get the help she needs to be able to continue their relationship, then Pisces might need to end it so that he can start getting back to his life.

Part of me wonders what her husband thinks about all of this. Their marriage can‘t have much substance if she has so much time to put so much energy into being upset about Pisces, and being upset about an LDR. It’s not like he is her husband. It's seems shockingly overboard to me. There has to be some mental health issues going on.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

This says a lot.

- Pisces was married, and poly, with Blue as secondary.

- Blue is also married, so I'm wondering why she's putting so much on Pisces.

- Then you entered, as the game changer, and you have a big shake up.

A game changer entered my life, and from my perspective it changed everything. It changed my definition of love, of what I do and don‘t want in my relationships and how I want to live. Thankfully, my other partners were either just de-escalating our relationships, or not that serious.

If Pisces went through anything like I did, the only way he's sticking this out is if he's a fixer and a people pleaser. He wants to stick with it to make her happy. He doesn't want to be the cause of her pain. Unfortunately, he can‘t relieve her pain by doing anything other than letting one of you go. This will continue until a relationship ends.

Even with Blue being married, if her feelings for Pisces are super strong, having a new person be a game changer would be painful indeed. If she can’t find a way to let go of wanting to be number 1 with Pisces, this will continue until someone ends one of the relationships. It cannot work the way it is now.

Pisces might have to just be frank with Blue, and say something like, “I love you, and want to continue a relationship with you, but your inability to manage your feelings is making me really unhappy, stressed, and worn out. My job is demanding and I just don't have the energy to help you with being okay with my life. It’s apparent you are not happy in this relationship. It‘s time for you to either get professional help to stop relying on me or we should end this relationship.”

If Blue can't make the decision, or get the help she needs to be able to continue the relationship, then Pisces might need to end it, so that he can start getting back to his life.

Part of me wonders what her husband thinks about all of this. Their marriage can‘t have much substance if she has so much time to put so much energy into being upset about Pisces, and being upset about an LDR. It’s not like he is her husband. It seems shockingly overboard to me. There has to be some mental health issues going on.

Blue started therapy a couple of months ago, and is working through some childhood trauma, so is making headway with that, so I'm told.

As to the relationship between her and her husband, I have only the bits of info that either she or Pisces has shared with me. From what I understand, their married relationship, for the last few years (or a bit longer?) has been co-parents, mostly platonic, not very emotionally romantic/close, no longer sexual. Pisces has confirmed that she puts all of her romantic/sexual stuff on him, and he is one of her main emotional supports.

Because he often had to limit their time and interaction when he was married (controlling ex-wife), once he was free of that, Blue hoped for a lot more. But then she was challenged when Pisces met me and his NRE sucked him into giving me a lot of his time and attention. He has acknowledged this, and has been trying to make amends to her for that. However, as her main/only support for many things (her husband is obviously the household/financial support), him investing so much in me has been difficult, as you say, for her.

Yes, as you say, there are mental health issues for her that she has been dealing with (mostly through medication) for a couple of decades. This recent stuff is not helped by her mental health issues, but can't be solely blamed on them. She has been acting out in destructive ways off and on since they returned from Europe. Pisces has said there are to be no more chances after this one, that her behaviours need to change.

He is also now resigned to really compartmentalize our two relationships, as I've asked for for quite a while now. He doesn't wish to, but realizes it is necessary. I said, "I need you to protect me and our relationship from the splatter from that side of things. It's too emotionally exhausting for me to be even remotely near it." He understands, and we shall try that moving forward.

 

[Bobbi]

He is also now resigned to really compartmentalize our two relationships, as I've asked for for quite a while now. He doesn't wish to, but realizes it is necessary. I said, "I need you to protect me and our relationship from the splatter from that side of things. It's too emotionally exhausting for me to be even remotely near it." He understands and we shall try that moving forward.

I'm very happy he has agreed to do that. It's his mess and doesn’t need to be yours. If you two can have your uninterrupted time together, without her drama getting in the way, then you can still work on your relationship. I hope he enforces his boundaries to protect your relationship. I really wish you the best.