Support when my partner's other relationship is ending

[WestCoastRedhead]

Hello all,

Some of you have been following my situation with my partner Pisces and his other partner Blue. Last night he sent me a message saying:
"I'm pretty sure Blue and I just broke up. Please don't contact me for a few days."

Of course, I am so saddened for him. I don't know the details yet, so wouldn't know how/who made the decision. etc. The "pretty sure" part has me wondering if it's fully happening, but I'm going leave it all alone until he is ready to speak with me about any of this. It is hard for me to know how to help him in this. This is the first time I've been part of a V when the other relationship is ending (presuming this actually does end, instead of going on a pause for a while), so other than leaving him be as requested, I'm unsure how to support. I'm guessing it's best to wait until he lets me know what he needs. I hate feeling helpless, knowing he is in pain, but need to respect his wish for space. They were together a decade, after all.

Any suggestions on supporting a partner through a break up, please and thank you?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi WestCoastRedhead,

It sounds like Pisces' most immediate need right now is space. You can support him by honoring his request for a few days of radio silence. After that, you can be brief in what you say to him. Tell him you're sorry about the breakup, that you're conscious of his need for space and are honoring that, but also that you hope he'll let you know if there's any additional way you can help.

If this is truly a breakup, then Pisces needs space and time to grieve. He can't just suddenly feel better, he is going to feel awful for as long as it takes, and you can't help him in that area. And even though this isn't a direct loss to you, you may have to grieve as well. Sometimes in life we just feel bad, there's not always a way to make the pain stop. Sometimes we need to sit alone with our pain.

For when he's ready, here is a list of ideas:

• Let him know his relationship with you is secure.
• Don't indulge if he starts to wallow.
• Nurture sexual intimacy with him.
• Keep moving both of you forward.
• Allow him space to grieve.
• Speak his love language.
• Make plans with friends.
• Bring tissues if crying.
• Bring a meal/casserole.
• Do some of his chores.
• Go on dates with him.
• Bring a warm blanket.
• Bring some warm tea.
• Run small errands.
• Be there for him.
• Take out trash.
• Mow the lawn.
• Walk the dog.
• Pick up meds.
• Give a hug.
• Love him.

I hope that helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

Hi WestCoastRedhead,

It sounds like Pisces' most immediate need right now is space. You can support him by honoring his request for a few days of radio silence. After that, you can be brief in what you say to him. Tell him you're sorry about the breakup, that you're conscious of his need for space and are honoring that, but also that you hope he'll let you know if there's any additional way you can help.

If this is truly a breakup, then Pisces needs space and time to grieve. He can't just suddenly feel better, he is going to feel awful for as long as it takes, and you can't help him in that area. And even though this isn't a direct loss to you, you may have to grieve as well. Sometimes in life we just feel bad, there's not always a way to make the pain stop. Sometimes we need to sit alone with our pain.

For when he's ready, here is a list of ideas:

• Let him know his relationship with you is secure.
• Don't indulge if he starts to wallow.
• Nurture sexual intimacy with him.
• Keep moving both of you forward.
• Allow him space to grieve.
• Speak his love language.
• Make plans with friends.
• Bring tissues if crying.
• Bring a meal/casserole.
• Do some of his chores.
• Go on dates with him.
• Bring a warm blanket.
• Bring some warm tea.
• Run small errands.
• Be there for him.
• Take out trash.
• Mow the lawn.
• Walk the dog.
• Pick up meds.
• Give a hug.
• Love him.

I hope that helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you, Kevin. Good ideas.

I will say that it has been very hard to not communicate with him though. I keep having to stop myself... So I make myself busy instead.

 

[Evie]

Damn Kevin, that's one of the best replies I've ever seen.

 

[kdt26417]

Thanks, I'm glad it could help.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

Update on this situation: They haven't broken up. She tried to burn things all down. Not surprised. I don't have details at this point. Don't think I want to know. The level of drama on that side is...unfortunate. Their cancelled weekend together is now back in, albeit with some big conversations, I'm guessing. Yeah, I want nothing to do with that...

And before people here say, "why are you involved?", I do need to know if my partner's other relationship has been ended or not.

Still leaves me angry that I was worried for him, for a false alarm. >:-(

 

[Bobbi]

I feel your frustration. This other relationship is very stressful to you. Whether or not you stop all contact with her, these things effect you and your relationship because they effect him. I hope you have been able to have a frank conversation about this because if he doesnt figure things out he might lose you as a partner.

i hope you get the answers you need, and the attention, validation and communication you need to move forward.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

I feel your frustration. This other relationship is very stressful to you. Whether or not you stop all contact with her, these things effect you and your relationship because they effect him. I hope you have been able to have a frank conversation about this because if he doesnt figure things out he might lose you as a partner.

i hope you get the answers you need, and the attention, validation and communication you need to move forward.

Thank you for your thoughts and support, Bobbi

She and I have not been in contact since last October, since they got back from Europe. She refused to have anything to do with me, and so I accepted that. Their rollercoaster drama *does* affect my relationship with him (like him needing me to leave him be for three days, which was very hard for me), and definitely me.

Yes, I will be have a frank conversation with him sometime soon. I am still angry, so want to take time to think, and write out my thoughts in my journal, etc. And yes, you are right - he could lose me because of all of this. I really don't want that to happen, but how much more can be tolerated? How many more "strikes" will he give her before she's out?

For now, I'll focus on my weekend plans with friends. Cheerful distraction is what I need.

 

[Evie]

I had a meta who would "regularly" break up with Puck; I called her Iris in my old blog. She always seemed to have the most despicable timing (like once it was on his and my anniversary!) They went through this for years, her breaking up with him in a fit of jealousy over this, that or the other (usually not me, it was just appalling timing but related to something/one else), then them getting back together in a very short span of time.

Finally, finally earlier this year the break up stuck, and dear god is he (and by his account, she) happier for it now. They are even becoming good at being friends. Which means it's now Charli being the biggest PITA. Sigh. Metas can be fucking drama but sometimes the best medicine is to inwardly roll your eyes and outwardly bite your tongue. Break ups often don't stick the first, second, third time around. I've honestly stopped really caring when he tells me that originally Iris and now Charli are pulling this shit. I think started to understand when he told me that Iris broke up with him and Renee replied, "of course she did, it's October." There are details that aren't necessary to explain that, but I learned that sometimes you simply just have to leave them to work out their karma.

So, if Pisces and Blue really get back together, expect more break ups until they finally let go of one another because she's not actually poly. And be the one that doesn't cause drama, it will deepen your relationship in the long run.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

I had a meta who would "regularly" break up with Puck; I called her Iris in my old blog. She always seemed to have the most despicable timing (like once it was on his and my anniversary!) They went through this for years, her breaking up with him in a fit of jealousy over this, that or the other (usually not me, it was just appalling timing but related to something/one else), then them getting back together in a very short span of time.

Ugh! That sounds awful! How/why did you put up with that, if you don't mind the question? I don't know how much more of this sort of drama I can take. And I hear you on bad timing - she has had the bad timing that way before too. Thankfully it was *after* our one year anniversary that happened last weekend.

Finally, finally earlier this year the break up stuck, and dear god is he (and by his account, she) happier for it now. They are even becoming good at being friends. Which means it's now Charli being the biggest PITA. Sigh. Metas can be fucking drama but sometimes the best medicine is to inwardly roll your eyes and outwardly bite your tongue. Break ups often don't stick the first, second, third time around. I've honestly stopped really caring when he tells me that originally Iris and now Charli are pulling this shit. I think started to understand when he told me that Iris broke up with him and Renee replied, "of course she did, it's October." There are details that aren't necessary to explain that, but I learned that sometimes you simply just have to leave them to work out their karma.

Hm, fair point. I just wish I wasn't affected by it - being worried about my partner being upset and having that silence was stressful for me. If I wasn't affected at all by their rollercoaster, I wouldn't mind so much.

So, if Pisces and Blue really get back together, expect more break ups until they finally let go of one another because she's not actually poly. And be the one that doesn't cause drama, it will deepen your relationship in the long run.

I can't say for sure if she is poly or not (she has been for twenty or so years), but I do know that most of all of this stems from her not being able to control her big feelings, and acting on them in a "burn it all down" sort of way. I personally couldn't date someone who did that to me again and again, and I've asked my partner how he can?

I do feel weird about feeling angry with him though. Maybe it's because he sent me a long message to reconnect/briefly explain, and then in that message tells me that they are going out that night after all (they had originally planned to be together this weekend), and likely spend the rest of the weekend together. This left me with no really opportunity to actually speak with him. Now I have to wait until the end of the weekend? Not cool, dude.

 

[Evie]

I simply stopped taking it on as anything I needed to put emotional labour into. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I watched Puck become less and less tolerant of Iris' bullshit. I vented here, I formed and articulated boundaries there. One of those boundaries hurt me a little, but it's rather that than the melodrama hurting me more later.

I can do it largely because I'm poly myself. I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket and waiting around for him to get back to me whenever someone (or work or something else) takes his attention away.

but I do know that most of all of this stems from her not being able to control her big feelings, and acting on them in a "burn it all down" sort of way. I personally couldn't date someone who did that to me again and again, and I've asked my partner how he can?

It honestly reminds me of Iris. But I knew why he kept renewing the relationship and it stems from something else entirely. Mostly , Iris' meltdowns didn't affect me in the big picture. Charli's did directly so I drew a boundary and informed Puck of it. That was our hardest day yet.

But each person has their own reasons to be or not be in a relationship and at the end of the day it's up to you to decide if you want to be the other side of that hinge. I can put up with Charli for the time being since she's either going to get her shit together or they will break up. Puck has told me that isn't going to put up with her bullshit the same way he put up with Iris. And if he lets her shit impact our time together again, I will rip him a new one on my way out the door.

 

[Albert Ross]

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I came across this expression a few years ago, and, oh boy, does it ever help.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

I simply stopped taking it on as anything I needed to put emotional labour into. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I watched Puck become less and less tolerant of Iris' bullshit. I vented here, I formed and articulated boundaries there. One of those boundaries hurt me a little, but it's rather that than the melodrama hurting me more later.

I can do it largely because I'm poly myself. I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket and waiting around for him to get back to me whenever someone (or work or something else) takes his attention away.



It honestly reminds me of Iris. But I knew why he kept renewing the relationship and it stems from something else entirely. Mostly , Iris' meltdowns didn't affect me in the big picture. Charli's did directly so I drew a boundary and informed Puck of it. That was our hardest day yet.

But each person has their own reasons to be or not be in a relationship and at the end of the day it's up to you to decide if you want to be the other side of that hinge. I can put up with Charli for the time being since she's either going to get her shit together or they will break up. Puck has told me that isn't going to put up with her bullshit the same way he put up with Iris. And if he lets her shit impact our time together again, I will rip him a new one on my way out the door.

Yeah, and I only have the one relationship right now. I've been trying to do the dating thing, and nobody is making my heart flutter and my bits tingle the way it does with my partner. One guy came close, then bolted (long story). So Pisces is my only. And I still am unsure if I am truly poly. I know I can be non-monogamous, but love more than one? It hasn't happened yet, and I'm not sure I am able.

As to the 'not my monkey'...I agree and like that one. I do try to use it when I can, but this was a big one this week - hard to have that attitude when my partner is saying his other relationship might be ending and he could be really upset stressed? Of course I'm going to be worried for him. I don't know how to distance from that sort of situation.

 

[Evie]

It gets easier with practice lol.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

and having that silence was stressful for me.

This is tricky for me.

On one hand, I understand and empathise with the fact that sometimes, issues in one relationship leave you so burned out that you need general space from everyone, or sometimes, more specifically, space from other partners.

However, when you make the choice to practice polyamory, I feel like you forego some of the "right to space" one has as a monogamous person. You have a responsibility to show up for your partners and sustain the stability of other relationships.

Sure, relationships should be stable enough to withstand some space but if you habitually have relationships so intense that you have to take a time out from other partners, then I think you're potentially being harmful in your poly practice. Something is going wrong.

At some point, that has to be read as a choice to compromise the stability of one or some relationships, for the sake of the one(s) with issues. I read that as polyamory not being the priority, rather the continuation of that relationship.

In these situations, I present to the person in question how I'm interpreting their behaviour. I'll say that it seems staying with X is more important to you than having stable polyamorous relationships as you make choices that point in that direction. It prompts the person to agree with me, often reluctantly but truthfully, or disagree and make choices that aren't observed in that way by the outsider.

I remember some guy years back who said he was committed to polyamory and would leave his marriage for it but seemed to consistently make choices that slighted other partners. Cancelling dates because wife had a bad day - usual stuff. When he realised how that appeared to potential long term poly partners, he placed boundaries in his marriage which meant that was no longer a feature. That to me was clear proof that he independently wanted polyamory more than he wanted to be with any one person, including his spouse.

 

[Magdlyn]

Redhead, I'll note that Evie is in a (very) long distance relationship with Puck. Maybe (besides her having a husband and other partner prospects) the physical distance helps her to deal with annoying metas who freak out and act in wild ways.

Polyamory requires a good deal of independence and perspective.

Your bf and meta constantly have issues. Except lots more "break up" drama and fighting before they're done. Take it all with a grain of salt. You're not bf's counselor. This is his choice, to be with this person. His lesson to learn. Your lesson is to let him deal with his things, and not take on his emotional burdens.

I had a bf once who was in NRE with me for this first year, leading to him being mono with me (except for his wife). Once his NRE wore off, he started dating a new person every week. That was a bit rocky to begin with, as no one stuck. Finally he started dating a couple (bi guy, his first MM thing, and a straight woman). He was obsessed with them. But their path did not run smoothly. (No surprise, trying to date the same guy.) They'd have an issue, break up, he'd come to me all upset and depressed. I'd feel bad for him, comfort him, only for them to make up, and the next time we met, he'd be all happy and gaslight me, telling me they'd never broken up! Everything was great! This went on for a couple of months. I broke up with him, because it was ridiculous.

I don't suffer fools gladly.

 

[LoveBunny]

I'll say that it seems staying with X is more important to you than having stable polyamorous relationships as you make choices that point in that direction.

I remember some guy years back who said he was committed to polyamory and would leave his marriage for it but seemed to consistently make choices that slighted other partners. Cancelling dates because wife had a bad day - usual stuff.

Right, it's for each individual decide wherein their own commitment lies, be it to a particular person or persons, or to the institute of marriage, or to the ideals of polyamory.

On a personal level, I got major icky feelings when I realized my now exbf was more committed to having multiple partners than he was to our relationship.
Just as I'd never urge someone to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the marriage, I thought it equally bad form to wreck a working relationship in the pursuit of polyamory for polyamory's sake. But it wasn't my call. I should note that I am also someone who once insisted on opening my marriage--because in truth I was no longer committed to that marriage.

Anyway, relationship run-off (one r'ship affecting the others in the polycule) is almost inevitable in poly. As others have said, best to set boundaries around that to protect yourself from splatter.

What I really want came here to say, is that I'm of the opinion that one should not try to help one's partner through a breakup or other-relationship issues. I mean, be kind and supportive as much as a friend might. But you're robbing them of personal growth and relationship lessons if you step in to fill the void with sex, snuggles, advice and cleaning their house. Let them feel and process their own losses, face the consequences of their actions and choices. If they essentially monkeybranch into your loving arms, less motivation to do the work.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

This is tricky for me.

On one hand, I understand and empathise with the fact that sometimes, issues in one relationship leave you so burned out that you need general space from everyone, or sometimes, more specifically, space from other partners.

However, when you make the choice to practice polyamory, I feel like you forego some of the "right to space" one has as a monogamous person. You have a responsibility to show up for your partners and sustain the stability of other relationships.

Sure, relationships should be stable enough to withstand some space but if you habitually have relationships so intense that you have to take a time out from other partners, then I think you're potentially being harmful in your poly practice. Something is going wrong.

At some point, that has to be read as a choice to compromise the stability of one or some relationships, for the sake of the one(s) with issues. I read that as polyamory not being the priority, rather the continuation of that relationship.

In these situations, I present to the person in question how I'm interpreting their behaviour. I'll say that it seems staying with X is more important to you than having stable polyamorous relationships as you make choices that point in that direction. It prompts the person to agree with me, often reluctantly but truthfully, or disagree and make choices that aren't observed in that way by the outsider.

I remember some guy years back who said he was committed to polyamory and would leave his marriage for it but seemed to consistently make choices that slighted other partners. Cancelling dates because wife had a bad day - usual stuff. When he realised how that appeared to potential long term poly partners, he placed boundaries in his marriage which meant that was no longer a feature. That to me was clear proof that he independently wanted polyamory more than he wanted to be with any one person, including his spouse.

Wow, this is such an interesting take - thank you!! I hadn't thought of it like this, but I totally agree with you.

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

Right, it's for each individual decide wherein their own commitment lies, be it to a particular person or persons, or to the institute of marriage, or to the ideals of polyamory.

On a personal level, I got major icky feelings when I realized my now exbf was more committed to having multiple partners than he was to our relationship.
Just as I'd never urge someone to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the marriage, I thought it equally bad form to wreck a working relationship in the pursuit of polyamory for polyamory's sake. But it wasn't my call. I should note that I am also someone who once insisted on opening my marriage--because in truth I was no longer committed to that marriage.

Anyway, relationship run-off (one r'ship affecting the others in the polycule) is almost inevitable in poly. As others have said, best to set boundaries around that to protect yourself from splatter.

I'm not too sure what those boundaries look like. I do need to know some information about his other relationship. Any ideas on boundaries that might help in situations like this? I am happy to consider anything at this point.

What I really want came here to say, is that I'm of the opinion that one should not try to help one's partner through a breakup or other-relationship issues. I mean, be kind and supportive as much as a friend might. But you're robbing them of personal growth and relationship lessons if you step in to fill the void with sex, snuggles, advice and cleaning their house. Let them feel and process their own losses, face the consequences of their actions and choices. If they essentially monkeybranch into your loving arms, less motivation to do the work.

A different take for sure - but you could be right on this. I'll keep your idea here in mind, if they end up going through this again (and again?). Thank you

 

[WestCoastRedhead]

Redhead, I'll note that Evie is in a (very) long distance relationship with Puck. Maybe (besides her having a husband and other partner prospects) the physical distance helps her to deal with annoying metas who freak out and act in wild ways.

Polyamory requires a good deal of independence and perspective.

Your bf and meta constantly have issues. Except lots more "break up" drama and fighting before they're done. Take it all with a grain of salt. You're not bf's counselor. This is his choice, to be with this person. His lesson to learn. Your lesson is to let him deal with his things, and not take on his emotional burdens.

I had a bf once who was in NRE with me for this first year, leading to him being mono with me (except for his wife). Once his NRE wore off, he started dating a new person every week. That was a bit rocky to begin with, as no one stuck. Finally he started dating a couple (bi guy, his first MM thing, and a straight woman). He was obsessed with them. But their path did not run smoothly. (No surprise, trying to date the same guy.) They'd have an issue, break up, he'd come to me all upset and depressed. I'd feel bad for him, comfort him, only for them to make up, and the next time we met, he'd be all happy and gaslight me, telling me they'd never broken up! Everything was great! This went on for a couple of months. I broke up with him, because it was ridiculous.

I don't suffer fools gladly.

Woah, I don't blame you for walking away from that situation. Sounds exhausting too!