Surprised By Rage

A

Arius

New member
This morning my poly partner of four years texted me to let me know that she had spent the night with a friend. They massaged each other, played with hot wax, and "fooled around," which I am forced to assume means (probably unprotected) oral sex. (My partner is currently at work, and we can't do a proper check-in until later tonight.)

I basically exploded with rage. I didn't text her back for a while, and then she got worried that I was upset. I tried to engage constructively with her, but I was so angry that I couldn't hide it. And I don't even know why. I've actually been mostly jealousy-free for the last year and a bit, so I was really taken aback by my own reaction.

She didn't break any of our agreements. She knows that I prefer in-person check-ins, but that wasn't really possible. She also knows I would have preferred to find out BEFORE it happened, instead of the next morning. But that's a small thing. She checked-in within a reasonable period of time. Still, those two things irked me.

We didn't spend New Years Eve together because she wanted to go to a play party, and I didn't. So we planned to get together on New Years Day instead. She spent the night (nothing sexual, just sleeping) with two men in her bed. We were supposed to hang out New Years Day, but she dropped acid at 5am and was completely hung-over / out of it / still drunk and high all New Years Day and spent our hangout in her bed.

In the past year, her sex life has exploded while mine has stagnated. In the last week, she's had maybe 5 different people sleep over. She tends to have sex or fool around with pretty much anybody who is interested in her, just out of curiosity. She's smart about her sexual health, but it's really just a matter of time before she gets herpes or genital warts. I've had ten sexual partners in my life. She's somewhere up in the 70s or 80s. This terrifies me.

I know this is terrible, but it just occurred to me that perhaps I sometimes engage in subtle slut-shaming behaviour as a ridiculous and futile unconscious attempt to control her because I don't want to stop having sex with her, and I don't want to get an untreatable STI. I love her so much, and it would break my heart if I chose not to express that love physically anymore. Obviously that doesn't justify being a manipulative ass.

I just don't know what to do. I want her to be free to do what she wants, I want to have a sexual romantic relationship with her, and I don't want to get herpes. And I guess I have to choose which of those things is most important to me.

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like she puts absolutely zero energy into our sexual relationship. I massage her whenever she wants, but she never returns the favour. She wrote on her fetlife that she loves to give massages, and I actually spit out my drink when I read it. I've been wanting to do wax play with her for years, but she's never in the mood. I spend hours coming up with plans that she decides she doesn't want to do. She never comes up with anything for us to do. So you can probably understand that the fact that she ended up massaging and doing wax play with someone else really gets my goat.

I'm not particularly jealous of her friend. He's extremely handsome, but doesn't have long-term romantic potential.

I'm slightly jealous of one of her other partners, who has a really nice body and a hot tub. She's told me that the sexual chemistry between them is really hot. I don't even think she's very attracted to me.

There are many small things about this situation that bothered me, but none of them account for the severity of my barely-controllable rage. Thing is, I've been chronically ill for about 18 months now. I am almost bed-ridden and have been profoundly frustrated. So maybe I was just having an angry day? I don't understand why I reacted so strongly in the negative.

She's had several fairly intense sexual relationships on the go in the past few months. At first, being ill, I was happy that she was taking on new partners. But now I've hit a tipping point where it's just too much. Every time she discloses a new sexual conquest, I find myself rolling my eyes and thinking "really? ANOTHER one?" I don't know. Is that reasonable? I feel like it's just an insane frequency, and I don't have enough time to process and adjust before she's slept with the next person. And the next. And the next. But I can't ask her to slow it down.

I think just writing this has given me some clarity and insight, but if other folks have helpful thoughts, I'd appreciate them.

Thanks.
 
It's good that you acknowledge that your being hung up on number of sexual partners smacks of slut-shaming, because it kinda does. You might not like that she's had as many partners as she's had, and that's okay, you don't have to like it. But there isn't anything wrong with her having that many partners. *You* just don't like it.

As for the rest... How is it "just a matter of time before she gets herpes or genital warts"? Are those things that automatically happen to every single person who ever has sex, or only to those sluts who have sex with many partners? You make it sound like it's a guaranteed thing that's going to happen, and it isn't. If she's careful about her sexual health, there is every reason to assume she won't get either.

(I was stupid about sexual health for a year or so between leaving my kids' father and meeting Hubby. I had unprotected oral, vaginal, and anal sex with multiple men, over a dozen partners total. I didn't catch a bleeping thing; I've been tested numerous times since.)

Your problem isn't that she's fucked 70 or 80 men. It isn't even that she's apparently a hundred percent guaranteed to catch something, at least according to you.

Your problem, as I'm seeing it, is that first of all she's having no problem finding partners while you are having a problem with it; and secondly, she's devoting a great deal of time and sexual energy to her other partners and little or none to you.

So address that first. Tell her how you feel about her lack of attention to your relationship. Try to find a solution. If there isn't one, or if she isn't willing to discuss it, maybe it is time for you to move on.

If she is willing to work on that, see what happens, and go from there.
 
Arius said:
I feel like it's just an insane frequency, and I don't have enough time to process and adjust before she's slept with the next person. And the next. And the next. But I can't ask her to slow it down.
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Why do you feel like you can't ask her to slow down? Have you tried explaining to your partner that you need time to process and adjust to her having new sex partners, even though she doesn't?

It sounds like you two have very different attitudes about sex... She is able to have sex casually, while you see each new sex partner as a big event. I'm definitely more like you in that regard, and one thing I learned pretty early is that I don't do well in relationships with people who see sex as just another fun thing to do. It's not even a health or safety issue, for me, it's just a fundamental incompatibility in what sex means in our lives. But since this relationship is important to you, it's worth looking for a middle ground where she can have her fun and you can stop feeling like your head is spinning.

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like she puts absolutely zero energy into our sexual relationship. I massage her whenever she wants, but she never returns the favour. She wrote on her fetlife that she loves to give massages, and I actually spit out my drink when I read it. I've been wanting to do wax play with her for years, but she's never in the mood. I spend hours coming up with plans that she decides she doesn't want to do. She never comes up with anything for us to do. So you can probably understand that the fact that she ended up massaging and doing wax play with someone else really gets my goat.
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Again - does she know you feel this way? If she's neglecting you and your relationship to go out and meet new people, call her on it. Sometimes people get caught up in the candy store of poly and take their long term partners for granted without realizing what they're doing. You deserve to feel comfortable and satisfied in your relationship, but it's not fair to get angry about her failure to meet those needs if you aren't communicating them.
 
I am sorry you struggle. You have several things going on there that overlap and sound like you are trying to group them and identify the main topics. Let me try to separate some of it. Maybe that could help you some?

MAIN WANTS FOR ME IN ORDER

You seem to want help in organizing you wants in order. This is what I think I am hearing. You correct me if I am wrong. Blue is mine.

  • I want to maintain my overall health as best I can – I'm a chronic patient (← unspoken, but I assume it is in there)
    • Physical health: I want to minimize my exposure/risk to any STDs. (← this could be seen as part of the bigger health picture above)
    • Other dimensions of wellness: ?
  • I want her to do whatever she wants (so long as it isn't dinging me)
  • I want to have a sexual & romantic relationship with her

CHRONIC PATIENT BLUES

It's rough being a chronic patient. I'm in that boat, so you have my sympathy. It isn't acute illness like a cold that is over in a week. Depression can set in with long haul conditions. You also have limited energy spoons to spend. Are you staying on top of your health care routines, meds, appointments, etc?

You sound like you a bummed out she's more of a “joy drain” in your life than a “joy bringer. ” Or like you are in the process of assessing that.

I try to maintain my mental health upbeat – and that means minimizing my exposure to draining/ drama people. If you haven't started evaluating you relationships (not just with her, but all) to see if you can improve your people surroundings, you might consider it.

I'm going to block this next section out visually...

TMI/BLURTING COMMUNICATION

I have a problem with her communication. She changes partners with a high frequency. With her “play-by-play” communication style, I don't have enough time to process and adjust before she's slept with the next person. And the next. And the next.

I've been chronically ill for about 18 months now. I am almost bed-ridden and have been profoundly frustrated.

  • It takes mental energy for me to plan fun things for us to do. That just costs the spoons it does.

  • It takes up mental/emotional energy to process disappointment that she doesn't want to do those things with me. That just costs the spoons it does. She doesn't have to want to do things I like all the time.

  • It takes up mental/emotional energy when she overshares/TMI/blurts that she's doing these activities with other people. Those spoons I don't have to be spending if she could exercise some self control with the TMI/blurty. I get drained.

Our current check-in agreement is not working for me if I am getting drained. This agreement could be updated.

I need her to understand that I don't want to hear sex details to that degree.

I do want to hear sex health practices that could affect my physical health

  • “Since we were last together, I've shared sex with X other people. I used X protection. I did/did not ask about labs.”


I do NOT want to hear about TMI play-by-play details about the encounter:

  • “We used wax, we used...”

The frequency of new lovers couple with the TMI/blurty triggers my STD fear button -- dinging on it so often.

Possible solution for this topic:

I am willing to receive sex health updates (without TMI details) before she and I share sex next (<-- A NEW "when the check in happens." Then it is not encounter play-by-plays).
  • Then she can do whatever with her other partners
  • I can process it like “latest batch” rather than “up to the minute play-by-play” so my energy spoons are not drained so often
  • I can re-assess my comfort level and deal with the STD exposure risk at those times so my stress level isn't always jacked up. Just a basic -- Am I willing to go there at this time with new sex health update or NOT willing to go there at this time with new sex health update?

COMPATIBILITY ISSUES

As lovers...

I am not comfortable being her lover when she engages in exploring/casual sex with a lot of partners at this level of frequency. Right now she clocks X new lovers a month/year, and I am more comfortable at Y new lovers in a month/year.

  • I could ask her if she's willing to modify her behavior to Y.
  • If she's not willing to do so, I could accept it is too uncomfortable for me and bow out from her lover network.


As lovers...

I feel disconnected.
  • At this time, she puts zero energy into our sexual relationship. I make suggestions and she turns me down without making suggestions of her own.
  • She also recently stood me up for our new year's date

  • I could ask her if she's still interested in sex/dating me, if she's willing to make suggestions if mine don't sound fun, or if this relationship is something that she prefers to let go entirely.

As friends...

We are... (What? You don't seem to mention much of that.)
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Is that the main topics? Anything else?

Hope that helps you organize your thoughts some.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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You have so many things brewing under the lid . . .

Sit down with her and express your thoughts and feelings in a constructive way. It has to be a conversation not as if you are declaring your terms. Talk to her.
 
Arius said:
We were supposed to hang out New Years Day, but she dropped acid at 5am and was completely hung-over / out of it / still drunk and high all New Years Day and spent our hangout in her bed........
There are many small things about this situation that bothered me, but none of them account for the severity of my barely-controllable rage.
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Starting with this jerky move on down, you have every right to be furious and out the door. The number of sex partners is just a red herring here. I'd give you my talk on how people treat us the way we teach them to treat us, but I'm not sure you're in a place to hear that yet. All the same, why do you put up with her crap?
 
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I think the anger is the result of being nearly bedridden while she has so many partners. Perhaps you fear that you are easily replaced, sexually at least.

There is no reason you can't ask her to slow it down a little. Maybe let go of these check-ins you seem to want. For me, check-ins are more about how me and that partner are doing, not what she is doing with others.

I think her behavior on New Years Day reinforced the fear I mentioned above.

All this fear manifests itself as anger.
 
Thanks so much for the really in-depth, thoughtful responses, everyone! I was a little afraid to check back after what I wrote, but my fear was unjustified.

Galagirl, I really appreciated all the work you put into helping me sort my thoughts. Part of living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a mental fog that sits on my brain and makes it hard for me to organize my thoughts. So that was most appreciated.

I had a talk with my partner last night. I woke up still a bit angry this morning, but we connected more and I feel completely fine now. I think most of the anger was just me having a really bad day.

FallenAngelina, I know I do put up with a lot of crap from her. (In her defense, she knows she has a drinking problem and has been mostly sober for almost 3 years now. But I do tend to tolerate things rather than call her on them.) Part of it is fear of abandonment. I love her, and, despite some issues in the relationship, she's really quite an amazing partner and person. She is my lover, partner, and best friend. I'm afraid that if I tell her what I want or how I feel, she'll feel pressured to do things that she doesn't have the energy or inclination for and that this might damage our otherwise happy relationship. I'm also afraid to rock the boat because then she might leave me. I need to start working on that.

I went on one date with a woman a while ago who was naturally a lot more giving, and it was like a breath of fresh air. She listened to my feelings as much as I listened to hers, we massaged each other, etc. I felt like a wilty flower that had water and sunshine poured on it all of a sudden. So I'm not sure if it's me that's the problem. But then again, I have realized that I do have a really hard time asking for what I want. Last night I pushed myself and requested backrubs, and my partner did rub my back. I felt guilty, until I realized that she asks me for things like that (back rubs, massages, grocery runs) all the time, and I always say yes. I guess I'm afraid that if I turn this relationship into work for her, she won't think I'm worth it anymore.

Certain conversations are difficult or impossible to have with her. She has a lot of deep shame attached to her drinking behaviours and the number of sexual partners she has had. If I try to talk about how either of these things impact me, she feels judged and shuts down the conversation. She is incapable of hearing anything related to how these things make me feel. I tried to bring them up last night, but it was fruitless. The sexual partners thing is something that I think I should work on alone anyway. The drinking thing is more difficult. I feel that I have the right to say "when you blew me off because you were hungover, I felt _______," but if I do, she'll just hear "you are a terrible person" and start defending herself and talk about how she can't bear more shame from me. Which is invalidating and frustrating.

You are correct, GirlFromTexlahoma - we do have very different ideas about sex. She's very casual about it, and I'm the opposite. That has been a point of tension. In future relationships, I think I would consider that difference to be a deal-breaker. I value this relationship enough to tough it out, though. And maybe I can try to negotiate some sort of compromise with her, as you suggested. I hadn't thought much about that before, so I really appreciate you bringing it up.

I feel that I can't ask her to slow down because we are both committed to giving each other the maximum amount of freedom. That's always been our foundation. It's the way that we do poly. Even if I did ask her to slow it down, she'd probably tell me to sit on it and twirl. However, I do like the idea of changing our check-in system so that we're checking in before sex instead of right after something happens. I'm not sure how practical that is, since we are in near-constant contact, and we talk about everything... but I'm going to give it some thought.

It didn't occur to me until you brought it up, Gala, but we do have rules about her not over-sharing, and I do think the wax play / massaging info was TMI. It was enough to paint a picture that I didn't want in my OCD head. I really only want to know who she was with and what level of sexual contact she engaged in. That's something I should talk to her about too.

Thank you for all the clarity, ideas, and compassion.
 
Part of living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a mental fog that sits on my brain and makes it hard for me to organize my thoughts. So that was most appreciated.
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You are welcome. I'm also a chronic patient so I can sympathize with having "a brain day" and having a hard time organizing thoughts. It has happened to me before.

The drinking thing is more difficult. I feel that I have the right to say "when you blew me off because you were hungover, I felt _______," but if I do, she'll just hear "you are a terrible person" and start defending herself and talk about how she can't bear more shame from me. Which is invalidating and frustrating.
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Sounds like "defensive listening" is another thing to file under "communication style issues."

Thing is... You still have to do your part of the communication job -- "broadcast your message." People are not mind readers. Don't NOT do your job because she is not doing her job of "active listening to receive the message" very well right now.

Maybe looking at this sheet could help you both improve?

Even if I did ask her to slow it down, she'd probably tell me to sit on it and twirl.
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She is not able to say "No, thank you. I am not willing to change that." In the past, she's told you to sit on it and twirl? when you make requests?

If so... Maybe you want your foundations to be more than "maximum freedom." How about "maximum freedom while maintaining good communication channels and good manners?"

You could elevate your standard.

Not just with future partners but existing ones too.

I guess I'm afraid that if I turn this relationship into work for her, she won't think I'm worth it anymore.
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Could you be willing to clarify that? Because your are personalizing it to be about your value as a person rather than an evaluation of your situation.

I wonder if you mean...

"I am afraid to engage in two way relating. To ask to be treated well, to request what I would like, to be honest and authentic with her and expect her to respond in kind. (the "work")

Because I think she wants "one way street" relating where she benefits, not back and forth "two way street relating" where both of us benefit. (the situation)

I am afraid that rather than up her game, she'd dump me and then I'd be alone. (the fear)"​

Or do you mean something else?

Galagirl
 
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Arius said:
.....fear of abandonment. ....I'm afraid that if I tell her what I want or how I feel, she'll feel pressured to do things that she doesn't have the energy or inclination for and that this might damage our otherwise happy relationship. I'm also afraid to rock the boat because then she might leave me. ....I felt guilty.....I'm afraid that if I turn this relationship into work for her, she won't think I'm worth it anymore......
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Relationships always, always, always reflect what we've got going on inside. You can negotiate all you want with your GF, but she is just reflecting back to you the thoughts that you're thinking about yourself. Asking people to change their behavior is only a temporary fix, at best. Enduring change only comes from changing the story you've got going about yourself and you can always change your story. This isn't about her and her behavior, it's about why you're so drawn to someone who behaves like this with you.

As an aside: Choosing to drop acid at 5AM on the morning of a daytime date is a LOT more than coming home "hungover."
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Relationships always, always, always reflect what we've got going on inside. You can negotiate all you want with your GF, but she is just reflecting back to you the thoughts that you're thinking about yourself. Asking people to change their behavior is only a temporary fix, at best. Enduring change only comes from changing the story you've got going about yourself and you can always change your story. This isn't about her and her behavior, it's about why you're so drawn to someone who behaves like this with you.

As an aside: Choosing to drop acid at 5AM on the morning of a daytime date is a LOT more than coming home "hungover."
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Unless you both dropped together! Sheesh.
 
Not sure what you mean, Mags. She decided to take LSD on the morning after a night of heavy partying, knowing that her BF was home eager to spend a (presumably) nice New Year's Day with her. In my world, that is beyond disrespectful and about as big a Fuck You as they come. Add to this, all of the other crap/problems/excuses and it's pretty clear that this woman is in no place for any kind of real change - unless her next "trip" is into some serious rehab facility. Acid can be fun from time to time, but the drugs aren't the issue here - her constant Fuck You behavior and what underlies it is. And he chooses to have this in his life every day. This is basic addiction/enabler stuff. I'm not saying anything you can't already read on every recovery website.
 
Re (from Arius):
"I love her, and, despite some issues in the relationship, she's really quite an amazing partner and person. She is my lover, partner, and best friend."
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As far as I'm concerned, this (above) statement says more than the rest of your posts combined, Arius. It's obvious that you're nowhere near ready to walk away from this relationship with her, and it seems that she has a lot of positive traits even though you didn't specify what they are.

You do, however, describe multiple behaviors on her part that make her impossible to communicate with. Those behaviors effectively silence you so that you can't voice anything that troubles you, nor can you negotiate for improved agreements. All of this makes it hard to hold the relationship together.

I feel bad that I don't have advice for you, all I can do is give you my perspective and hope that somehow helps you put a few puzzle pieces together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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