Tales from the Time Share Wife

This also takes the pressure off me because I won't be expected to give him equal time, especially when I have so much other stuff going on that I have to take care of.
 
Things have been really good with Nate lately. He's been extremely affectionate with me, which I love. I told him that if he had plans to host, I end up leaving later than expected, or not at all, I would be okay with him bringing his fuck buddies over while I'm home. He told me that he really appreciates that. He's been on the prowl lately, responding to Craigslist ads. I guess Jane and her man haven't had sex in 4 months and she's thinking about calling it quits with him and seeing Nate again.

Sam is almost done with the haunted house, so we can start seeing each other on a regular basis again. Things always seem so strained when we can't see each other. We had a good chat today. He asked me to remain his friend if he moves on to monogamy, but I told him that it would not be possible for me to be around him platonically, and it really would not be good having me around his new relationship. Maybe after a year or two I could. I just reiterated that I don't want to think about our inevitable breakup, and I just want to enjoy our time together.

Found out my ex had a vasectomy reversal. It's been about 9 years since he got one.
 
The other thread, where it was suggested that marriages shouldn't be forever, but instead they should be a contract that could be renewed if the participants wish to remain married, got me thinking that could be a good option for Sam and me.

I proposed to Sam that every year on our anniversary we could renew our relationship for the year. During that time we will not seek out other partners and we would not break up. Or we choose not to renew it. If that's the case, we can either part ways, or he can let it be known that he would actively seek a baby mama. This makes it easier on me, because I can at least feel secure during he time we are together that he won't be dumping me for someone else. It will alleviate the fights that we seem to keep getting into and I can treat every year that we are together as our potential last.

I told Sam that if Nate went away, he would not be the default partner. I will not ever be in a monogamous relationship with him. If something should ever happen to Nate, I'm going to live alone and practice solo poly, where it won't matter if Sam had a wife, as long as he can spend 24 hours a week with me in my home. Currently the issue is I won't date people with entangled partners, because I want to be able to spend the night with my partner, and I won't enter another woman's home. If I were able to host, that would never be an issue. That's pretty moot though. I doubt anything will be happening to Nate. He and I are doing awesome. As much as last year was horrible, I do feel like after the dust settled, we are happier and stronger than ever.

I was reading about our Myers Briggs relationship dealbreakers, and mine says that inconsistency is a dealbreaker, a partner's insecurity is Sam's, dishonesty is Nate's. This totally makes sense for all of us. The thing about Sam wanting to be autonomous is that he also claims that he wants a wife figure. He can't have it both ways! He also makes me feel insecure with his constant complaining about me being married and how he wants to go out and find a baby mama. How am I supposed to feel secure when he makes me feel like any moment in time our relationship could be over? It doesn't help that he's somewhat of a local celeb with his plays and his role at the haunted house and he always has groupies flirting with him on Facebook. He frequently tells me how many people want to be in a relationship with him and it totally freaks me out. Whenever I feel threatened it just makes me want to leave, because I don't like being hurt.
 
The haunted house is done for now. The owner was unable to get his second one open in time, and plans on opening both of them for 10 nights when he is able to. Who knows when that will be? Sam has to finish up with his big play this week and then he will just have some small rehearsals for the other monthly plays that he does. I had planned on going to his house tomorrow, but he needed to get Friday evening off. So he agreed to work tomorrow evening. I guess I'll still go over there while he's gone because, Nate really needs the alone time. He went with me to the park for a few hours yesterday so the girls could play. We got to talk for a few hours, which was nice.

I legally changed my name last week to something I really love. I changed it back in 2007, and everyone always asks why I chose the name I did. The truth is, I had to choose something that my ex would approve of. Now I'm in love with this name and it goes great with my daughters' names, but I'm done having kids, so I decided that I might as well change my name to it. It's a Greek name that goes perfectly with my Greek last name. The judge was funny when he saw that Nate's last name was different than mine, and he was all "I assume your husband knows you are doing this." I think most people go in to get their last names changed for marriage or divorce, not their first names.

All my friends are so caught up in their own lives that they have no time to hang out. I've been trying to make new friends online, but it seems that most people are just so flaky. I stated talking to a woman that is new to the area, and texting was going great, then suddenly she stopped talking to me. That seems to happen a lot on Craigslist. Either that, or they don't even bother responding to the emails. I don't know why people put an ad looking for activity partners if they really don't want one.
 
I found out that Sam has been taking advantage of his freedom to have sex with others. It turns out in the last few months he's gone home with 2 women from the bars for some kinky rough sex. I'm not upset about it, but I'm pretty shocked that he would, considering how much he puts Nate down for having fuck buddies. I guess the way he sees it, these women are better quality, because they look better, and therefore it's not the same.

I didn't realize how much into kinky sex he is. I found out that he use to masturbate to the rape scene from I Spit on your Grave when he was a teenager. I'm guessing why he likes to be violent with women during sex. I kind of feel boring in bed now, because I don't like pain. Being hurt isn't something that excites me. He also doesn't know how to do it. Like, when he kisses, he just wants to jab his tongue in my mouth, and I need a little build up before I get to that point.

Sam also had a stalker and he ended up blocking her on FB. I suggested that he create a fan page for his haunted house character where he can plug his plays without adding people to his personal page. This woman was acting like she was his girlfriend or something. It was kind of creepy. She was a stranger to him, except she kept going back to the haunted house and getting pictures with him. Then she found out who he was, and added him on Facebook. He told me that he had considered fucking her because she flat out told him that she was interested in him, but he felt that if he did she would get all "Fatal Attraction" on him. He didn't want me finding out if he fucked anyone, and he definitely thinks that she would go out of her way to cause problems for us.

All in all, I really feel that Sam and I have turned a corner. I don't think we'll be fighting anymore. I feel like I understand him so much better. I was very vulnerable with him last night, and explained why I try to protect myself from getting hurt.
 
sam and i are officially over, i had to pop in after work to grab something even though he was at work, it's not uncommon for me to show up as it's really our home. well i had a sick feeling wjen i saw a car across the street with fake blood on the window (a clear sign of someone who works at the haunted house) and when i walked in to discover a young woman on our courch in pajamas. i asked who she was and she said "im just here" well i called sam and he was all "oh my god." then tells me "she's a lover". um yeah that's it, he violated two of our agreements that it would not be with coworkers and he would never bring them into our home. we just went over that this long weekend where i spent 4 nights with him. he knew that i could come at any point in time and he still fucking violated our agreement. we are done, he's a fucking sneaky bastard and I don't care what his lame reasons are.
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inyourendo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} internet hugs from half a world away.

Arohanui
Evie
 
That is terrible. No excuse for cheating like that when the rules you had were so clear. I am so very sorry. :(
 
I'm very sorry. The shock, anger and disappointment must be agonizing. All the effort you have put in for so long and this is what he does?! You certainly deserved better from him.

Leetah
 
I thought I might do an update. Where we last left off, I had walked into Sam's house after work to discover a girl in the house. He begged me to stay, and made excuses why he did it, like he was trying to break things off with me and thought that he could get over me by hooking up with someone else. He said that he realized that he loved me even more after seeing her, and that he was planning on breaking things off with her and that he told her that their time together would be coming to an end. He said that she wanted to be with him despite him having a girlfriend, but he didn't want to be with her.

Well, I decided I was willing, under the circumstances that happened over the summer, to give him a chance. He sent me screen shots as proof that he broke things off. He was pretty dodgy about who she was. I told him that I had her number and that I could call her. He told me that she was planning on changing her number and that I wouldn't reach her. It was really fishy to me that she typed exactly the same way he does and her reaction was very over the top. I ended up using a text free app to message her and it showed that the number belonged to Jon H, someone he told me in the beginning was an alias. So now I discovered that he was texting himself a breakup so he could have screen shots. He told me that he didn't want to be mean to her and that he didn't want to show me the real messages.

He eventually told me the whole story. He said that she got clingy really fast, and continued to text him a month after the breakup, as well as show up at his house wanting to talk. I'm pretty sure she fell for him. But he said that he hadn't done anything to encourage her. I decided that I was willing to forget the past and move on, but he wasn't allowed to lie to me anymore.

The next month, his mother quit her job because she got an annuity from her late husband's pension. so now she was at the house 24/7, which sucked because it was agreed upon that her work schedule would revolve around ours so she wouldn't be there when we were. She also decided once again to start smoking in the house. She was there 24/7 smoking in her bedroom and it made the rest of the bedrooms and bathroom stink. I walked in and left because I couldn't handle the smell, nor am I willing to subject my children to the second hand smoke. I packed up my things and didn't return for 4 months. It wasn't until April that I discovered his mother went out of town for a few weeks so I was able to return to the house while she was gone. He assured me that he had a nice long talk with her about not smoking in the house and that she agreed not to now that it's warm out. Yet a week later she was STILL doing it. his response was, "Well, I can't stop her. It's her bedroom." Forget the fact that she AGREED to not smoke in the house when they were negotiating house rules.

Of course, even though he's been busy the past two weeks, and I haven't seen him, and I'll be gone the next two weekends, I was planning on having Mondays with him. We planned to camp every week since his mom is still in the house 24/7 smoking. Yet come to find out that he decided to start doing plays that have Monday rehearsals. We can't camp if he's busy until 10pm. He says "sorry," but it's just words. he says he's in love with me and he doesn't want to break up yet he doesn't give a rats ass if he doesn't get to spend the night with me for months on end, or see me at all for a month straight.

Back in February, I saw a pic he posted of the bedroom and the bed was gone. I asked where it was and he said he moved it to the other room. Turns out that was lie. He actually ended up getting bed bugs and he took it to the dump. He ONLY told me because I was going to find out when I entered the house in April.

Something occurred to me the other week. Back after our first breakup, where I had told him that I would only get to spend 1 night a week with him, and he broke things off with me, I had called him a couple days later and he was telling me that he had a date to go out to a concert with this gal he knew named Alicia. He agreed to see me instead. Yet he next week, after we got back together, he left his FB open and I saw the messages back and forth. It dawned on me that the messages seemed fabricated and I asked him about it. He told me that Alicia was a real person he knew in Indiana, but this FB account was fake, fake pic, and that he had created it before meeting me to stalk/friend a chick from work. He basically wanted me to think that women were after him so I would be more competitive.

At this point I question whether he's a psychopath or not. He had totally manipulated me into being with him. tons of mind games, lies all the time, cheating, blaming everyone else. He only says he's sorry when he has to and never means it. It's really creepy. I feel like I'm getting closer to where I can let go.

He told me that he can't be poly long term and that he will eventually leave me.
 
Oh Wow! I hope you find yourself able to let go so fast now it will make his head spin! Be strong!

Leetah
 
As far as Nate and Deanna go, he hasn't seen her since Nov. He was dating this new girl, but she ended up breaking things off when she met a guy to be MONO with. Mow he's hooking up sporadically with this Becky gal, but Becky has also made it clear that it's only until she meets someone.

Jane and her boyfriend, unfortunately, aren't doing so well. He hasn't had sex with her in 6 months and that is a huge problem for her. It's kind of a repeat of her last relationship, where they were essentially roommates.

Frida has proven to be the mean girl that I thought she was. She ended up getting a job with Sam's mom and telling Sam's mom that she should watch out for me and that I was a sociopath. I immediately blocked her from contacting me, as I am positive this is true based off the way she trash talks her other friends. I don't need to feed some troll.

Nate and I are doing pretty good. We are gearing to take off for a couple conventions the next two weekends. This weekend Jane and the kids are all going to Saint Louis. Nate will be in a day convention. Jane, kids, and I will go to the zoo and hang out at the pool. The next day, off to the city museum. I haven't been able to hang out with Jane that much, esp since she got a job. Now that her female roommate is moving out, I have a feeling she will be more willing to go out and do stuff with me. It seems whenever she has someone living with her she goes MIA.

My oldest did his HS equivalency and passed with double the necessary score! He also was able to get a job at the hospital working in the cafeteria. I'm so proud of him. :) He's been exploring poly himself, since the kids that go to teen night at the LGBT center all seem to be experimenting with plural relationships. I can't believe he's going to be an adult this fall.
 
Leetah said:
Oh Wow! I hope you find yourself able to let go so fast now it will make his head spin! Be strong!

Leetah
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It's funny because he says that he will "reduce me to zero," and that he has all these groupies who would just love to be with him, but then he tells me he'd be lost without me and that he loves me. I don't know if he will honestly even care. I think we are both addicted to each other. The less time I spend with him, the more he pushes me away, the less I care about making it work. But when we actually get to spend time together it's so much fun.

I know it's not the only problem we have, but I wish I had taken my friend's advice and not have agreed to Sam and his mom getting a place together. I NEVER imagined that she would be so dishonorable and break her word about not smoking. Now I know where Sam gets it from. He doesn't seem to care at all when he breaks his agreements (at least when it comes to me). The past 6 months has been a huge eye-opener for me. To be quite honest, this is not a healthy relationship. I've gained so much weight since being with him and I've gotten off course with college.

I am enrolled for fall semester, at least. I decided to major in jewelry and metal since the CC has tons of art classes that transfer over to university.
 
What I think is completely messed up about what happened in Nov is that he KNEW I was going to his house, he WANTED me to walk in on her. He left her there not 20 mins earlier. He knew she was there and he didn't tell her to go. He basically used me to get rid of her, when he could have just dumped her himself, and I would have been none the wiser.
 
I just skimmed back over your posts and in the beginning you said a number of times that there was something about him which repelled you but that talking or making love smoothed that over. In my life that has proven to be a sign I am making a mistake. You have good instincts, a good mind and have plans for your life. I'm sure that soon you will barely see him in your rear view mirror as you move ahead.

Leetah
 
I think I got suckered in with the love bombing and compliments. I have never been with someone who I felt so much chemistry with, or had so much fun with. I'm just getting to the point where he can't charm his way into me ignoring his character flaws. I feel pretty bamboozled because I was in too deep before I realized who he was.
 
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