Talking about my existing partner with a potential new partner

L

lu_ming

New member
Hi guys, I've tried to search around for this but most advice is about coming out as poly to a potential new partner so it doesn't really apply. Here goes:

So I just met this girl on a dating app and we really hit it off. It says that I'm poly front and centre on my profile so she already knows, no need to come out to her. We had a lovely first date, then I came home and I realized that while my profile does say I'm polyamorous, it doesn't say that I already have a partner. I thought it did, but it turns out I got my apps mixed up. My other partner didn't really come up in the conversation (we mostly talked about our interests etc.). We agreed to a second date. When would be a good time to mention my partner? As you can see, being polyamorous is not really an issue, but I don't want her to think I'm hiding stuff from her. Should I just message her like "by the way..." or wait for the second date to broach the subject face-to-face?

I'm new to this so I don't really know how to navigate it.
 
Second date seems fine to me. Or it might come up in a conversation before then (are you texting or talking between dates?) I don't know if it needs to be a specific "by the way" but in planning that second date you might encounter a scheduling conflict of some sort and say you already have plans with your long term partner then but how about the next day? If there's no need between date one and two to mention them, I would simply save it until date two. She knows your poly, so if she gets upset that you didn't mention your other partner right away I'd take that as a bit of an orange flag. I think it's great that you didn't spend time on the first date talking about your first partner, but rather focused on getting to know the person in front of you.
 
Don't over think it. What you said is fine.

Could call or text before 2nd date. Like...

"BTW, I wanted to be sure you saw that I'm poly on my profile and make you aware that I have a partner. I don't hide things. I really enjoyed our first date and look forward to getting to know each other more on the 2nd date. Are you still up for that?"

And there. You gave them an "out" if they need to take the out.
 
Hello lu_ming,

I think my vote would be for you to tell her face-to-face on your second date with her. Perhaps something like, "I should probably tell you, not only am I polyamorous, but I also have another partner. I would understand if that would be a deal breaker for you, but I hope it isn't." Although now that I think about it, messaging her with that info before that second date, might make just as much sense if not more. You'll have to feel it out, and decide how important you think this detail might be to her.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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