Talking it out

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Lady and I have been talking about various ways to work on issues we've both had in the past.

1- My dislike of seeing her and hubby being physically affectionate. Hello/goodbye kisses, a little hand holding, fine. Actual cuddling, not so fine. Mostly this stems from me feeling like a third wheel, which is not at all how I want to feel in my own home. Trying to define exactly what kind of physical touch I find too intimate to witness is difficult for me, so she is trying to limit herself which I know is difficult for her since she is a very physically demonstrative person. This doesn't seem to be an issue in more of a group setting where I have other people to interact with as well.

Solution: (Possibly temporary) limitations on how much they cuddle/physically touch when it is just the three of us. Trying to do activities that allow me to feel more comfortable cuddling with them without our behaviour/situation being the main focus - so all three of us cuddling on the couch watching a movie or tv instead of all of us on the couch talking.

2- The time issue. She doesn't get much time, I don't feel like I get much uninterrupted time, hubby gets next to no alone time.

Solution: They are being a bit more casual, without dedicated weekly time. They'll see each other at least once a month, probably, she and I will continue hanging out every other week or once a month to try to get more comfortable with one another, and then when hubby has fewer time restraints we can re-evaluate.

3- Her desire to talk about EVERYTHING with me.

Solution: As long as I feel little stress in the other parts of my life, I can suck it up. As she and I get more comfortable, I'll feel happier about it in general but right now it is a struggle for me to be vulnerable around her. She is, in general, the same way so we are making more of an effort to connect more intimately (from an emotional standpoint). If I do feel too stressed because of work or home issues or whatever, she is fine with me telling her I need x amount of time without too in depth of discussions. She has also agreed to make more of an effort of scheduling discussions with me so that I can mentally prepare and can make sure that it isn't a time when I'm going to feel too drained and such. For someone who likes to talk about anything and everything all the time to agree to plan in advance more, I'm thinking this is a good compromise.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I went on a first date last week! It was fun. He's interesting, kind, funny, and totally my type personality-wise (physically I don't really have a type, although he's tall which I like). The down side? He is connected to Doomed through a girlfriend who is also dating him (or used to date? Not really up to date there and I tried to tune out his yammering). Damn. Not that that would totally kill it for me, if we had acknowledged the connection and moved on BUT he kept fucking talking about it! I mean, really. I mention how horrible of an experience the ending of that relationship was for me. How I didn't date for months because of it. So, OF COURSE, you should keep talking about the person who broke my heart for 15 minutes on our first date! Riiiight. So, I told him that I had no desire to discuss him or his primary partner (who new guy actually has a similar opinion about) because it just drudges up painful memories and emotions. We change the topic, and it's fine-ish again. It was kind of late at that point, and I had to work the next morning so I had to go home not TOO long after that.

The next day he texts me.... and fucking mentions Doomed AGAIN! I mean, seriously. The way to a girl's heart (or panties, whatever his goal is) is most definitely not bringing up her ex who she asked you not to talk about.

So, that's going nowhere. There were other negatives about his situation, so this was just the last nail in the coffin of any sort of friendship or relationship.

I think I'm going to hold off on dating again for a while. Enjoy Hubby and focus on adjusting to the changes going on since he and Lady are making a go of it again. Continue hanging out with Boy and feeling weird at how strange he is behaving these days but mostly enjoying our time together. Maybe focus on trying to make some more friends again. Friends that actually have time and motivation to get out and do stuff.

Life goes on.
 

nycindie

New member
. . . he kept fucking talking about it!

. . . The next day he texts me.... and fucking mentions Doomed AGAIN! I mean, seriously. The way to a girl's heart (or panties, whatever his goal is) is most definitely not bringing up her ex who she asked you not to talk about.

So, that's going nowhere. There were other negatives about his situation, so this was just the last nail in the coffin of any sort of friendship or relationship.

<GROAN> Yeah, really. That just tells me he's quite insensitive and more than a little dumb.

Keep moving... Next! ;)
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
<GROAN> Yeah, really. That just tells me he's quite insensitive and more than a little dumb.

Keep moving... Next! ;)

Yeah... I was pretty amazed at the insensitivity.

Today, I am feeling kind of weird. I want to be out doing something, but at the same time I want to be home curled up the couch with a good book. So far, I've settled for somewhere in between - running a few errands with hubby before he went to work and getting some housework done.

My coworker wants to hang out, but we're signing up for a gym and I can't do that until tomorrow (I can get a discount but have to wait until tomorrow for the paperwork).

Yarn wants to hang out, but I don't have a vehicle tonight and she doesn't want to drive to me. So... We're having this weird conversation since we're both kind of in limbo about what to do.

Boy is having some stress issues and is kind of driving me nuts. I'm thinking we won't see each other this week, which is kind of a relief and kind of disappointing since it'd make curling up on the couch so much more satisfying to have someone to cuddle with.

Lady and I are hanging out on Friday. I'm excited and worried since we've never actually spent this long of a time together just the two of us. She's cooking dinner, I'm bringing dessert. Here's hoping it turns out well!

I'm applying for new jobs. Buying another car this week, I hope (have one in mind, just need to get it inspected and try to get them to lower the price a bit so I can do registration and all that and stay in the budget I set). I just want to sleep, but there are so many little things to get done.

I just feel... meh.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Last week didn't go as I expected, really...

Lady and I had a perfectly nice time spending a day together, BUT we both recognize that we connect to people in different ways that don't mesh. So... It's awkward, and neither of us know how to change it.

Boy ended up picking me up after my day with Lady, and I spent the evening/night cuddling with him. We went to dinner, where he held my hand or had his arm around me as often as possible. We rented a movie we'd been talking about seeing since it hit theaters. Cuddled up on the couch to watch it. Then I took a shower while he got laundry put away and such so we could go to bed. Normally I help him with laundry, but I felt so gritty after spending the day outside. We're hitting a domestic stride that we had when we dated previously. It's weird and comforting and kind of disconcerting. I don't want to default into a relationship, and I don't see myself ever feeling the same kind of love I felt for Boy before. We're supposed to talk this week, so we'll see how that goes (I said something mean when I was in a bad mood, felt horrible, apologized profusely, and have promised him a nice home cooked meal before we talk). I think he's to the point that he wants to figure out what exactly we're doing. I suppose that's fair.

In better news... I got a new job! It all happened quickly, but I'll be starting as soon as my background check and drug test comes back. Woohoo! Monday through Friday wonderfulness! My current boss was kind of a bitch when I called to tell her, and I'll be handing in my official written two-week notice today with a lot less sadness than I felt immediately after learning I got the new position. Sad that a job I could love a ton is ruined by a few people.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
One more week at my current job, and I am so ready to be gone. I'm going to miss some aspects of it, but mostly my coworkers are driving me insane. I've worked 40 hours in the last 3 days. I had an 8 hour break between shifts this morning and this afternoon. When I get back, the lunch I had left in the fridge very clearly labelled was completely gone. My fruit, veggies, and leftovers from Hubby making me dinner the other day. :mad: Really, people?!

Hubby and I are doing well. We've been discussing all kinds of things and trying to more clearly understand how the other relates to people and things.

Lady is spending the night with Hubby Saturday night. I'm staying with Boy since he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable, apparently. Not that I'm complaining. :)

Looking forward to life becoming routine.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Sometimes I want to send snarky responses to crappy OkCupid messages I get. Today I got this message:

Hey what up my name is (who cares)
My # is xxx xxx xxxx
I text an call

Congratulations, dude. You know how to use your phone. Too bad you don't know how to read profiles or use proper grammar/punctuation.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Feeling lonely today.

I know I eventually want another loving relationship. I know I have no one in my life currently that would fill that role. Therefore I need to meet new people if I want to find someone that could eventually be a loving, life-long partner.

I hate meeting new people. So, so, so, so, so much. The last 6 months, every person I've met has ended up being ridiculous in some way. Either ridiculously self-centered, ridiculously idiotic, or something else. It just has NOT been going well.

Now I'm wondering how to motivate myself. Obviously my deep down desire for love isn't enough.

Part of me thinks I use Boy as a crutch. I mean, to everyone else he looks like a boyfriend. We spent one night a week together, we encourage each other to pursue goals and get out of the house, we hold hands and cuddle, we talk about everything... But the love isn't there, and it never will be. I loved him once, or thought I did. I don't think I could go back. He's unreliable, he doesn't really want the same things I do, he's nowhere near ready for any kind of commitment, and, most importantly, I highly doubt he would ever actually love me. BUT he fulfills my need for companionship, he cares about me as a friend, and we have some awesome sex. It's just enough that I don't push myself to look for something better, even though I know I could maintain both the FWB status with Boy AND a loving relationship with someone, which would make me feel about as saturated as I could ever want to be.

I really hate it when I start thinking about what I want v. what I have.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Struggling this week. I was feeling much better. Happy entertaining myself, getting stuff accomplished, goodness. Then Hubby is spending the night with Lady, while I'm spending the night with Boy. We have regular check-ins planned working around their plans. No problem... Until... Hubby makes it 100% clear that as soon as he hangs up the phone, he's going back in the room to fuck Lady. I know they're sexual, I know they're going to have sex, I expect that to happen. I DO NOT WANT TO BE MADE AWARE DURING THE ACT. Period.

So, it's been arguments, and crying, and distance, and weirdness all week. Because he knew I was upset and therefore spent much of the rest of his time with her moping. Which upset/scared her.

So, Lady and I are still attempting to work on the things together that we've agreed to. Hubby and I are attempting to work through his constant boundary breaking (which has included me feeling zero desire for any sort of physical intimacy and forcing myself to give him kisses and hugs so he doesn't freak out). Boy is being Boy, and pulls away right when I could really use someone to listen. Just listen. I don't expect him to come over and comfort me when I'm upset. I don't expect him to do anything, really, but asking me what's going on when he knows I've been stressed and upset for days would be nice. Oh, well.

Yarn has been awesome, but she's going through her own stuff, so I don't want to bother her much with my issues.

Another friend has been trying to hang out lately, but our transportation is awkward so we haven't been able to figure it out. Everyone else is just going about their own lives... Checking in occasionally, but never really seeming interested/available enough for me to open up. I need to focus more energy on finding more (or better) friends.

I'm also starting my new job today. Additional stress and sadness at leaving the place I'm at now. Gr.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
A bit more stable today. Hubby knows we're not going to be "normal" until he's had a few dates during which he respects my boundaries. If this constant boundary breaking continues, we can't be poly and together. Rather he can't be open to additional relationships and with me. He will have to choose, and right now I know beyond a doubt he will choose to go back to only being sexually open to stay with me, which completely sucks for Lady and would lead to heartbreak and craziness all around. So, I hope for all of our sakes that he can get it together.

Boy got bad news today, so we were both cranky. Barely talked, and I don't really see that changing this week. See if we get back in a rhythm next week when we're feeling a bit calmer about the negatives in our lives. Doesn't help that we're both struggling with very different things at the moment so neither of us is really in a place to be overly supportive or available to just listen. Fuck.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Spending the day with Lady today. She'll be here in a couple of hours to pick me up. We'll be seeing some mutual friends then coming back to my place for dinner and a movie with Hubby. I was so looking forward to tonight to help work towards being more comfortable with them being cuddly around me/being more comfortable jumping into the cuddles. After last weekend, though, I have barely been cuddling Hubby alone, let alone with someone else around. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be fun at all, and I didn't even have enough time to think about how much it's going to suck until today. :( I'd feel too guilty cancelling since I know Lady has been struggling, too. It would have been different if I would have thought to change the plans a few days ago. Now the day is here, and I am dreading every bit of it that includes the three of us together.

Hubby is starting to show frustration at my lack of physical expression. He knows I am forcing hugs, kisses, and small amounts of cuddles just for him. That I feel no desire or need for it right now. It shows how distant I really feel, and it's scary.

My new job is going well. It was a taxing week, and I am exhausted. I was out late with friends Wednesday and Thursday, as well, and drank too much so I really just want to sleep. My new-found weekend freedom, though, is making everyone all excited so I've agreed to all the stuff today, checking out a local UU church with Hubby in the morning before lunch together, then dinner out with Boy. A fancy dinner. I'm excited. :) He has a gift card that (oddly enough) his ex-MIL gave him for Christmas so he's taking me out! Woohoo! We both felt bad about how non-supportive and just pissy we were this week, so it'll be nice to do something extra fun.

Overall, I'm just feeling run down. So much stress and pressure from the whole Hubby situation. The lack of trust/faith in him is totally new to me, and I just don't know how to recover. He won't have the chance to prove he can be trusted for over a month, either, because of other friend/family/school/work obligations keeping him and Lady from seeing one another. So many new things happening, and I just don't deal with change well.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I'm taking steps to own my own life.

Last night when Hubby walked Lady out, instead of sitting in a state of limbo, I listened to some music and when I got to feeling too tired/the beginning of cranky at how long he was taking - I went to bed. I was asleep by the time he came in (only took me a couple of minutes, I'm sure), and he woke me up. Despite my closed door (which means don't enter). So, that's something we need to work on. Either him setting a time limit so that there is no limbo - since I would know exactly when he'll return - or him respecting my need to go to bed/move on in general so that I don't get cranky.

This morning, I am entertaining myself. About to prep my breakfasts and lunches for the week. Hubby is still in bed. We stayed up late last night talking about the whole idea of me being in limbo every time we have vague plans of being together without a solid plan of start time, and we decided not to go with our previous plans for the day due to lack of funds and sleep so... I'm refusing to be in limbo and doing what I need to do. If he doesn't get up in time to spend time with me before I leave for Boy's, then that is his choice and on him. In reality, I'll probably wake him up in a few hours when I'm ready for lunch since I really want to eat what he planned to cook today. :D But, hey... Doing what I need to do without worrying about his plans for a couple of hours is improvement!

Yesterday was a good day, though, until the limbo part. Lady and I had a good time. We're getting more comfortable with one another, and she even made a comment about realizing she needed to improve upon something based on a conversation we'd had over the week. I honestly feel more supported and heard and understood when I'm with her than I do when I'm with Hubby right now. She can see my need to create a bit of distance/independence with rationalization whereas Hubby has the gut reaction of resisting change.

I'm looking forward to seeing Boy less. It'll still be nice to go out to a nicer restaurant than usual and not have to worry about how much either of us is spending, but... I don't know. The cycle of being super close then distancing ourselves to avoid any kind of commitment/expectation is starting to feel awkward. I'm still not ready to date, but maybe I'm actually ready to stop indulging in a pseudo-relationship and face the reality of having to rely on myself for everything.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I ended up postponing on Boy. I wanted to stay home, so I did. We hung out the next day instead and once again had a lovely, close, cuddly evening that included him taking me to a fancy dinner, opening doors for me, and feeding me tidbits off of his plate so I could try everything. We had a complete stranger tell us that we were adorable together.

It's weird. When I'm happy, he's there and great. When I'm contemplative, he's still there and great and telling me that he cares about me and complimenting me like crazy. When I'm down/upset, he's gone. There is no in between. I'm feeling pretty okay with it tonight, but I know it's still not really want I want and in all reality I should move forward.

Hubby and I are still off. It's really starting to wear on him. I don't know how to trust him anymore, and until I regain that trust in him...

He also told me last night that he plans to spend a night with Lady on a night that I specifically told him would cause me an extreme amount of stress. THAT doesn't help the whole feeling like he doesn't respect me thing.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Lady dumped Hubby. I have nothing good to say about how she handled the last 2.5 weeks or say, but he has forbidden me to actually say anything to her about it. So... I'm ignoring her texts and such for the time being until I can actually be civil to her. It saddens and frustrates me that someone can be so reassuring and supposedly dedicated to making things work then out of the blue say it's over. I feel like I wasted my time, even if Hubby has no regrets about anything. I put in a ton of effort trying to work on accepting her oddities (or quirks, if you want to be nice about it). Why? What was the point? She apparently wasn't capable of actually committing to less than a primary relationship while she and Hubby grew and while he finished up some very time consuming life things. Fuck it.

Boy and I are spending the weekend together! He's taking me to the beach, and he has sent me all these little texts with things he wants to do while we're there. Some of them sweet like hold hands while we watch the sunset (assuming we get a good sunset). Some naughty. I'm glad he's excited, and I love the beach so of course I'm excited, too. It'll be interesting to share something that is so peaceful and rejuvenating to me with him. I feel bad for leaving Hubby alone-ish, too. He does have plans for at least one afternoon of my weekend away, but I'll be gone for 2 solid days, so... Hopefully he stays entertained and doesn't get too down. I offered to cancel (well, postpone), but he insisted that I go. Maybe he's looking forward to the alone time since he hasn't really had much time for himself in a couple of months.

Yarn's husband is also going on a trip with his girlfriend in a month or so. It's a weekend that I already have booked, though, so I can't hang out with her. I wish they'd set the dates sooner so that I could have helped keep her and the kids entertained. 5 days. That's a long time to be without your co-parent and only partner. She's been lonely and kind of down lately, anyway, so I'm worried how this will hit her. It's a month away, though. Maybe she'll be in a better place by then.

My new job is going well. A lot faster paced and fun projects, which is lovely. I find myself so tired after work that my house is suffering, though. I used to keep things so tidy! Time to really work on keeping up on that. Hubby is pitching in more, which is nice, but I hate taking his precious time on things I could in theory be doing myself. Ugh.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I'm still fighting upset over the way Lady treated Hubby. I know they were both doing things in a not entirely healthy way, so I shouldn't be this bothered, but I am.

I'm excited and also kind of nervous about spending a whole weekend with Boy. Hubby has plans, plans that I would have enjoyed being a part of (hanging out with some new mutual friends), so while I'm happy for him, I am also a little envious that I am going to be missing out on games, pizza, and drinking.

It's the weekend, though, so I'll probably feel better about life in general for the next two days. Yay! :)
 

swirlingnurse

New member
I"m enjoying your blog:). Thanks for sharing your life with the forum:)
 

nycindie

New member
Lady dumped Hubby . . . I feel like I wasted my time, even if Hubby has no regrets about anything. I put in a ton of effort trying to work on accepting her oddities (or quirks, if you want to be nice about it). Why? What was the point?

Most relationships aren't meant to last forever. That doesn't mean that shorter relationships don't benefit us. There is nothing wrong with a relationship coming to an end. While some people handle the ending better than others do, just the fact that it did not continue is really no reason to say "what's the point?" as if it shouldn't have ended and the relationship had no use at all to your husband. I am sure he learned from it, which is really one of the best things we can hope for from interpersonal relationships. I think it would serve you well to let go of your anger and frustration. Everyone who comes into our lives teaches us something - we don't always know what the lesson is, but eventually we realize it is true.
 
Last edited:

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Most relationships aren't meant to last forever. That doesn't mean that shorter relationships don't benefit us. There is nothing wrong with a relationship coming to an end. While some people handle the ending better than others do, just the fact that it did not continue is really no reason to say "what's the point?" as if it shouldn't have ended and the relationship had no use at all to your husband. I am sure he learned from it, which is really one of the best things we can hope for from interpersonal relationships. I think it would serve you well to let go of your anger and frustration. Everyone who comes into our lives teaches us something - we don't always know what the lesson is, but eventually we realize it is true.

The thing that upset(s) me is that the last thing she said to me relationship-wise was a thank you for being dedicated to trying to make it work since she was really committed to seeing if they could work/we could all eventually be family. Same for Hubby. She said she was going to fight for their relationship.

Then, BAM! She's done. There was no in between. There was no warning. There was just normalcy, a bit of improvement in the way we all interacted, then a break up. It was and is frustrating.

I know it served a purpose for all of us. She learned things about herself and how she relates to people. Hubby learned that he has a lot of work to do before he's a hinge again. I learned that it takes me A LOT of energy to engage with metamours and in reality I would probably likes things to be a bit more separate. The way it ended just feels... ridiculous.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I"m enjoying your blog:). Thanks for sharing your life with the forum:)

Thank you. :) I find it helpful and enjoyable to just rant now and then. When I see too much negative showing up here, I know it's time to really look at what's been bothering me. lol
 

nycindie

New member
I learned that it takes me A LOT of energy to engage with metamours and in reality I would probably likes things to be a bit more separate.
Oh yeah. Personally, I prefer having a certain amount of respectful distance between myself and a metamour. Becoming chums cannot be forced.
 
Top