Talking it out

I didn't expect to enjoy 50 Shades, and it lived up to those expectations. I mean, it was fine. I didn't care for the book (too much stalking for my taste), and the movie mirrored it pretty well. They did cut the one part of the book that amused me (the emails), which was disappointing. Well, they included some but not enough.

Back home now, though. Went to an early show then my friend was picking up her son so we parted ways. I'm in a rather mellow mood. I'm thinking I will drag the computer around the house with me so I can watch random episodes of things while I clean and get ready for my day tomorrow.

Hubby has been sleeping in my bed this week. That's been nice. I've asked him to continue as long as me getting up so early doesn't negatively impact his day. So far it hasn't, so fingers crossed!

Boy and I made vague plans that he has not followed up on, and I haven't pushed. He kind of hurt my feelings the other day, by giving a logical response instead of a caring one to something I said. We discussed it, and he sees why I reacted negatively (passive aggressive message then an immediate apology and explanation). I pointed out that it's just time for me to back off for a while. He didn't care for the conclusion, but accepts it. Part of me backing off means I won't be initiating plans, so the ball is in his court to actually get together. I still struggle maintaining the "enjoy but don't expect" attitude I need to have towards him. At least I'm aware, though, and I'm about 90% happy with it.

Nog is out of town for a few weeks. I'm not sure that we'll resume when he gets back. I'm just not at all into him sexually, which makes it a struggle. I loved snuggling and chatting and playing around, but actual intercourse was not really enjoyable for me at all. If he continues to pursue, I'll talk to him about it and see what he would like to do. He has enough partners/FWBs that he may enjoy an intimate friendship just fine. Seeing each other can be rather inconvenient, anyway. We shall see how that goes.

Oh! I was also contacted by an old swinger friend of mine. We knew each other online for over a year before meeting in person (she lived in Arizona at the time). She and her husband split (sad, but not surprising) and she is moving near where I live! About an hour or so north of me, actually. She's wanting to get together soon. Could be fun.
 
Hubby and I had a lovely weekend. Very connective, being outside together and enjoying the great weather. One good sex session, and we've started adding some quickies/short sessions into the week which has been going well. It's made him much happier and more comfortable telling me what he needs. I have been making sure that when he tells me he needs something, I answer honestly and kindly - yes, that sounds awesome or yes, but I'm tired so I'll be lazily enjoying or no, I can't right now due to xyz. He does the same for me- although he hasn't said no yet!

Boy came over last week and was incredibly needy. I think I was acting a bit more withdrawn than usual, although we were in constant contact. He was doing a lot of little things for me (brushing my hair, shoulder and back rubs, getting me water when my cup was empty, taking me out to dinner so I didn't have to cook, etc), which I know is a major way to express caring for him. A few months ago we discussed love languages and Acts of Service was his highest rated one. Touch and Quality Time followed closely. Those two of my main ones, with Acts of Service just below. We mesh pretty well, usually, when it comes to that sort of thing.

I have a few friends coming to town this summer. Friends from high school. None of them know that I am poly and I can imagine at least one will feel uncomfortable if Boy comes over while she is staying here (she's very conservative and very good friends with Hubby as well). Boy would like to meet her, since I am in contact with few people from my hometown, however he also understands if I ask him to stay away. I'm thinking we'll trial with dinner and see if we can make a night together work. I do miss sleeping next to him when we don't have time to see each other.

Work is okay. I picked up a second job and am already looking into transferring within that company. I'm itching to work with kids again.

Speaking of kids... Birth control is wreaking havoc with my system. I wanted to look into an IUD, but Hubby has brought up the idea of maybe trying for a kid. Again. It's come up a lot lately. I've made a doctor's appointment to discuss a few things with my OBGYN. Oh, my!
 
My pattern of feeling great immediately followed by hideous bawling has continued.

I had an amazing day at work. Actually got along with all my coworkers, got to do some fun activities, and just enjoyed it. Then I go out with a friend, come home, and feel so... Alone.

Hubby's work schedule is about to change. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I don't respond well to change, though, so I am already stressing over the unknown. Hopefully by the end of next week we'll know if it's a keeper or if he's going to try to return to his current schedule.

Boy has barely talked to me today. We had a great evening earlier in the week, so of course he's MIA. I know it's on me. I need a lot more contact than he does to feel valued. One of my many flaws.

Nog is sweet. He continues to push for time together, even though I have been explaining my emotional issues lately. I've told him I'm not interested in pursuing another relationship right now, and he tells me he just wants to be here for me in whatever capacity I need. *sigh* Why can't I fall for the good ones?!

I'm rambling. Time for bed.
 
Hubby has been reassuring and amazing.

I've been hormonal and crazy. I'm over it.
 
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I am absolutely loving Hubby's new schedule! We get every evening together, except when one of us makes plans. He went out to a networking event the evening I spent with Boy, had some alone time the second night I spent with Boy, and is currently out at another event while I get some alone time. It's great. We've been very productive and are adjusting to continuing our activities while being together (so doing our own things while sharing space). We have a tendency to ONLY spend time doing things we both want to do when we are both available, so this has been very good for us, I think.

Boy has been great. Semi-aloof, but he hasn't been feeling well so that's normal. He has a friend in town the next week, so I told him it would be cool if we didn't hang out (especially since we spent quite a bit of time together last week). That was, apparently, unacceptable and he said if she is up to meeting me we can all do dinner or he will make sure he has an evening to spend with me. I totally get wanting to spend as much time as possible with her, though. He only sees her maybe once a year, and they used to be super close. She even lived with him for a while during his divorce - which is one of the reasons she's iffy on meeting me, apparently. She doesn't have the most positive opinion of poly - supports his right to live how he wants, but she doesn't understand how me being in the picture didn't in some way contribute to he and his ex splitting. His ex is totally cool with hanging out with me (and wants us to do more group activities), so I think the whole thing is hilarious.

Nog and I have shitty scheduling, and I explained I wasn't really feeling a romantic/sexual connection. He still wants to hang out, but I feel like he would push for SOME physical things that I don't really want. I'm willing to try hanging out once, though, to see how it goes IF we can get the timing to work out. Doesn't look good, though. I'm so much more willing to move things around in my life for deeper connections, which is silly. Friendships are incredibly important, too.

Speaking of which... Yarn has been upset that I won't drive down to see her. I have invited her to visit/hang out up here or halfway between and she always has a reason not to. I don't have the resources to always be traveling to her AND doing fun things with my partners and local friends. I'm afraid the closeness we once had will never be re-established.

I applied for a position a step up from my current job at my company. I'll know early this week if I got it. Fingers crossed! If I get it, I will quit my second job as more overtime would be available. That would be AMAAAAAZING! Boy has been asking me to quit for a while now, because I am so stressed and tired all the time. Hubby asks me not to because he knows I would freak out about money. Haha. Each caring in their own way. It's cute.

Pretty much loving life right now. I'm being social for the time being, I have something to (hopefully) look forward to career-wise, and I feel very supported. And I went to a kink event and have a few new toys I want to invest in! Things that made me shiver at the thought before I tried them a bit are now an exciting new possibility! I love people sharing their experience and their goodies with newbies. :D
 
I got the job! Woohoo! I started this week, and it's been okay so far. Just getting to know new people and such, mostly. Training is soooo boring, but the job itself will be busy and awesome, I think. Hubby was very happy for me, and Boy insisted on taking me out for a nice dinner to celebrate. :) Oddly enough, an opportunity came up at my second job as well, so I am keeping it. I will be switching to a different department so that I have longer work days (primary job then to second job) and two solid days off. Not typical weekends entirely, but it works well for me.

Everything has been stable. I've gotten to know Boy's ex more lately and really enjoy hanging out with her and her husband.

A friend of mine that is a bit weird about poly is having a party. He initially invited me, then said I should bring Hubby. I wasn't sure if Hubby was interested, so he said I could invite Boy instead. When I joked about how I could bring both, he reluctantly agreed but said he'd feel "awkward" and that his friends who don't know would probably "be really uncomfortable around it." It's the most negative I've ever seen him be about my relationships (usually he's feigning jealousy but admits he wouldn't be able to do it), and it hurts my feelings that he would want me to hide a part of myself. It's not like I'm overly into PDA - hand holding, arms around each other, and maybe a quick peck in greeting/farewell if we don't ride together doesn't seem like enough to make anyone uncomfortable.

When I told Hubby about the situation (after he'd already said he would go to the event), he shrugged it off saying I shouldn't be surprised. It made Boy really want to go just to see how people react to the situation. I almost don't want to go at all, because my friend that has always been so supportive in theory doesn't want HIS friends to "be exposed." I just don't know what I want to do now.
 
It's one of those weeks that has proven that Boy and I ultimately are vastly different when it comes to relationships. I'm pulling back again. I don't even know if he cares since one of the ways I'm pulling back is not initiating conversations as often. We haven't spoken or texted since I last initiated.

Hubby and I went to the friend's party. It was a lot of fun. Hubby actually has more in common with him and his friends than I do, so he was pleasantly surprised by how good of a time he had. The treats I made went over spectacularly, too, which made me feel awesome. :)

I'm just in kind of a weird place. Feeling icky about the Boy stuff, even though I should have expected it since things had been feeling so great lately. Glad that Hubby and I are in a good place. Happy that I have a few friends that are consistent about wanting to hang out and actually follow through with plans. Starting to feel stable at work again after all the transitions. Mellow overall, I guess.
 
I saw Boy this week. A couple of days after I made the decision to return (or re-focus) on the not expecting things from him attitude, he asked me what was wrong and if I was mad at him. I told him I wasn't MAD so much as disappointed in myself for repeating past patterns. I was pretty busy this week, and I had told him in advance that I didn't think I'd have time for a date. He pushed for one. We talked, a bit, and he felt better. I don't. I feel more disconnected that I did before. When we were together, I had very few moments that made me just want to touch him. Normally I can't keep my hands off of him (not always sexually - just holding hands, cuddling, hugs, etc). I just don't know. I'm sure I'll snap out of it, but I feel like I'm going to have to have another chat with him so that he really understands where I'm at.

Anyway... Have I mentioned how amazing Hubby is? He is currently out getting me cider and Chinese food. :D Love that man. I was drowning in overtime (some by choice, some by surprise) this week, and I just wanted to come home and veg on the couch. Awesome guy is totally supporting that, even though he worked overtime this week, too. Running to get me stuff. Seriously, love him. I told him we need to have sex ASAP when he gets back, though, so we don't overeat or get tired. Priorities, man! :p

The new job is going well, though, and I'm putting pressure on my supervisor at my second job to get the transition done quickly because I'm over my old responsibilities. Ready to move onward and forward!

I feel good today. Tired but content. Excited to spend an evening with my love and hoping to do something awesome outdoors tomorrow.
 
A tired but happy AG reporting today. I got quite a bit of overtime again this week on top of seeing Boy twice, making sure Hubby and I had focused time together, AND trying to battle a minor but irritating flea problem. Oh, my!

I am officially transitioned to the program of my choice at my second job. My promotion at my first job requires some on-call work (meaning there are 4 days here and there where I am the primary contact for all issues AND I am always the primary contact for certain medical events). Today is the last day of my on-call days, thank goodness. The pay is incredible, though, so as tired as I am from taking a few calls in the middle of the night over the last few days, I will probably volunteer for another round sooner than I would be forced into it. I'm a glutton for punishment, or a masochist, or something!

Personal life is good, though. As expected, the disconnect from Boy is as resolved as I could hope. I'm still more distant than I was, strictly because I have re-affirmed my own boundaries and am keeping a closer eye on the behaviors that I tend towards that I know cause me to get too invested. We hung out twice this week - once was almost a booty call. He was horny, I was horny, we did plan it 24 hours in advance and there was an overnight and cuddling involved, but the primary objective was definitely orgasms. And orgasms we had! :D

Hubby has been over-stressed lately which has been frustrating me and impacting our sex life. We've had some great, relaxing times together lately, but this past week we haven't been in sync sexually. He doesn't understand that constant negativity is a HUGE turn-off. He is working on it, though, and even as I sit here typing that we've been out of sync, I realize the only days we didn't have sex were the ones I spent with Boy. Huh.

Nog contacted me recently. Due to shitty schedules and the fact that I only wanted to be friends, we'd kind of drifted off on chatting. He's so much fun that I wish there was more chemistry!

I also heard from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while. I knew her aunt (who raised her so is more like a mom) had been diagnosed with cancer, but last I heard she was doing well and responding to treatment. Apparently in the last month she has gone rapidly down hill to the point of needing to be on oxygen, get a g-tube, and choose between a hospital stay or hospice. My friend is a nurse and so far they've been able to get it to where she can care for her aunt, however once any controlled substances have to enter the picture for pain management and such, she'll need to set something more formal since she doesn't want any of the extended family to get any ideas. Yeah, on top of her mother figure dying, she has to worry about the rest of the family wanting to steal drugs or potentially speed up the dying process to see who gets what. Awesome, huh? I feel bad that I'm not able to support her much. Her aunt lives about 45 minutes away, though, and with work being so crazy I haven't been making time to keep up with her. I'm going to take my friend out next weekend, though, and already found a caregiver friend of ours that will stay with her aunt, just in case something happens.

On that note, I am going to get back to cleaning! Hubby will be home shortly to run errands and take me to a late lunch/early dinner date. :p I'm a happy girl.
 
I worked late on Sunday (got off at 9pm) and headed straight to Boy's. I get there, and his ex wife had cooked me dinner! I love that woman. I'm so glad she and her partner moved in. It irritates me often, but overall they are lovely people that I enjoy spending time with. I do hate feeling the need to shush sex noises, but I don't try that hard so it's no big deal. I know they don't really care. They're happy that Boy is happy, and when I jokingly said something about trying to drive him away (acknowledging an irritating habit that I have) all three made a VERY loud fuss. Apparently I'm stuck with them, which I thought was cute.

Hubby has been a bit frustrated lately with my back and forth about Boy. I've told him that I don't need to use him as a sounding board, but he enjoys it. Then when there are times when I'm disconnected and feel "done" then swing back to feeling happy and good, he gets confused/frustrated/weird. I just need to censor myself a bit, I think.

Work is good. Sleeping again feels great. Going to see the new Avengers movie in a couple of days! YES!
 
Saw Avengers and had a great time! One of Hubby's friends mentioned she wanted to go on the same day, and I had promised Boy we'd all go together. It ended up being Hubby, Boy, Hubby's friend, Boy's ex, her partner, one of his friends, and me. We met up and had a drink and some appetizers beforehand, and it was terribly fun! I love getting to sit between Boy and Hubby. Holding Hubby's hand while Boy's arm is around me or having Boy's hand on my leg while I lean into Hubby. It's so comfortable and nice. Boy feeding me popcorn and holding the drink up for me was awesome, too. He's so funny when we're around other people, being extra sweet (he does those things when it's just us, too, but it doesn't seem as frequent).

Other than that... Work. Making plans with a friend (used to call her Yarn on here - now I rarely talk to her), which will be nice. I haven't seen her at all in 2015, I think. Maybe once early in the year... Then I have a childhood friend coming to visit so we've been planning what we want to do while she's here! Good times coming up. :p
 
Sitting at Boy's and I look at him and know I love him. I wonder why he can't feel the same about me. Bummer thought during what has otherwise been a great weekend. At least I have the unconditional love of the best person I know. I'm reminded how lucky I am to have met Hubby so early in my life and to know without a doubt that we love each other.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
...At least I have the unconditional love of the best person I know. I'm reminded how lucky I am to have met Hubby so early in my life and to know without a doubt that we love each other.
Click to expand...

Yes to this!
 
So... Two positive pregnancy tests later annndd... It's Memorial Day weekend. Damn. I bought one of those fancy tests that estimate how far along you are based on the level of hormone in your urine and it's looking like about 4 weeks. I'll try to make an appointment for blood test verification (because I'm paranoid), then I'll be holding my breath until the first sonogram. Not sure when we'll tell people.

I'm so surprised! Hubby and I had unprotected sex a couple of times, but yeah. Not really trying but obviously not whole-heartedly preventing either, and I'm just barely off of oral contraceptives.

Telling Boy should be interesting. I want to tell him as soon as I see the doc, personally, but Hubby doesn't really want to tell ANYONE until the 8 week mark. I feel like Boy has a right to prepare himself and decide if he still wants to be involved with me, though.
 
Called to set up an appointment and the person transferring my call to the right department was like "yeah! That's exactly what I did!" then the appointment setter said they won't even DO blood tests anymore unless there are concerns. Apparently home tests are just that reliable these days. My first appointment will be in June, then.

I told Boy that I'm pregnant this week. It was a non-event. He was surprised, but offered sincere congratulations and gave me a very lovely back rub when I was grimacing in discomfort. And even though he is always sore and in pain, too, he agreed that we could make a short-ish walk (a mile or so) part of date night on a regular basis since that has been the only thing that's really kept me sane. Yoga and general stretching just haven't cut it, but the walking and/or swimming have helped the growing pains in the uterus and my back pain.

Other than that... Things are good. Work is going well, except for my recent distraction. I think I'm getting better at focusing again, though. Haha.

Hubby is hilarious. He went on a few dates lately, and actually really saw FWB potential with one woman. He has deleted all dating apps now and told the potential that he just has too much going on. I appreciate the gesture, since we struggled so much last time he dated, but I feel bad that he felt it was necessary. I'd like to think I could be okay with him having sex with others (since that's all he wants right now - sex and friendship), but I get that I will be hormonal and moody so it's probably easier to skip it for now. Since he has so much going on already, it hasn't seemed like a big sacrifice on his part. And since I told him I honestly appreciated the deleting of the apps, but thought he should continue talking to the one woman, I feel like I did what I could to encourage him to make the choice he truly wants.

Overall, I'm exhausted but happy. Eager to see what the future holds.
 
I'm frustrated right now. I'm going to have a houseguest for almost 2 weeks starting in a couple of days. This means Hubby will be in my room and I won't be able to have Boy over at all (minus for dinner or something like that) during that time. I won't be spending the night at his place either, because, well, how rude would that be to my guest? So, this weekend was the last chance we would have had to hang out in 2+weeks. Considering the last time we saw each other, it'll be 17 days.

What did Boy decide to do this weekend? Go out of town. Was I invited? Of course not! He'd been talking about wanting to go on a trip for months, and he decides to take one to see a friend he saw a week ago instead of spending some quality time with me before an extended time away from each other. So, fuck it. I even asked him to hang out this weekend, and THAT is when he told me his plans. Didn't even tell me in advance, like he usually does when he's going to be out of town.

So, I'm doing what I should be doing this weekend instead of having fun - cleaning, organizing, and making sure I have extra toiletries and such available.

I've noticed myself being really up and down emotionally in the last week. Hubby and the one friend I've told tells me it's normal with pregnancy, but I am not a fan. I like being in control of myself and feeling sudden rage or sudden intense sadness for something that would normally be so minor is getting to me. I'm also tired all the time and feel the need to snack more often than normal. Luckily my appetite is pretty small so I just eat small things here and there. I'm already overweight, I don't want to gain anything extra during this. I know I need to gain SOME, but everything I've read said I really should only put on around 15 pounds during the entire pregnancy. I'll add that to the list of things I want to talk to my doctor about at my appointment coming up.

That is one thing I'm happy about - just over a week until I get to FINALLY go to the doc! My friend will still be in town, so if all goes well I'm tempted to tell her. I haven't even told my parents yet, though, and plan to wait until Father's Day so I don't really want to tell anyone else until after that.

Hubby has been great lately. I feel bad that he has cut off contact with the one woman he had semi-connected with, but he seems happy. He is still pursuing his career goals and is giving into most of my whims. He is encouraging me to stay active and eat healthy, without seeming like a nag. He's installing an a/c unit today that a coworker lent me, so that's awesome. The heat is making me so nauseous no matter how hydrated I stay! He's a weeny, anyway, so he wanted one before. :)

Focusing on the positives has made me feel significantly less frustrated. I really need to remember how healthy journaling is for me. My life really is pretty great.
 
I'm still feeling a bit distant from Boy after the long time apart. Add in that HE had houseguests (roommate's family) after that, and we haven't even really talked much other than hanging out some. He did have the house to himself right after my friend left, so we had an extended amount of time together then. It was pretty domestic - I cooked, he cleaned up. I couldn't eat what I cooked (lovely morning sickness) so he gorged himself so I wouldn't feel bad wasting food (silly sentiment, but sweet because it was damn good). I am always exhausted, so I napped while he read a book. It was nice. Not overly passionate, which was surprising and since I was wanting sex the entire time probably didn't help my feeling of distance. He told me on more than one occasion that he just wasn't feeling up to it. To be fair, we still had more than one session, so I can't complain that I didn't get ANY orgasms.

Hubby is excited about planning parenthood. We've told our parents and siblings, and our next appointment is in a couple of weeks so we'll let everyone else know then. I've been pretty lucky nausea-wise and haven't had to tell my coworkers. I did let my supervisor know since I'm slow on some of my admin duties with the everlasting tiredness. One coworker guessed as well, when I had a couple of very specific food aversions, so I took him aside and confirmed while asking that he keep it quiet until I'm ready. He has so far stuck to it as far as I know.

Our anniversary is coming up (mine and Hubby's) so we have some fun plans for that. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm hoping I can keep it romantic and not future-focused. I've been super bad lately about ruining our time with cravings, sickness, fatigue, or general planning. We had a lovely date night the other day, though, and saw Jurassic World. We were both laughing so hard at the dinosaur on dinosaur violence! I think the woman sitting next to me thought I was crazy. It was a great time, though!
 
Hubby has just started the first paying step to the job of his dreams! A week in, and he's loving it. We've been looking at homes to rent, too, since buying isn't going to be an option any time soon but apartment living is getting old. Hubby has been a bit insecure lately relationship-wise, though. He feels like he's focused on himself so much in the last few years that we've drifted apart. Add in the fact that I have what appears to be a stable relationship with Boy for the time being, and Hubby feels like he could be replaced. I've been in reassurance mode and reminding him constantly that he is my family, we're starting a family, and nobody could or will ever come between us.

Boy is being ridiculously supportive about... well, everything. The rental-hunt, the baby, the financial crunch that will happen if Hubby fully goes into dream career mode... It's been great. We also had some of the best sex ever this week, which was nice after feeling off for so long. We actually saw a lot of each other since I had a shitty week and he wanted to try to make it better. Sweet.

Work has been stressful and I've been more absent-minded than usual. Not a good combo, but my boss still likes me so I'm good. :D
 
New idea on the home front... Maybe buying a mobile home?! Since Hubby and I both work over 15 miles from where we currently live, we could easily change towns and find some mobile home parks with CHEAP lot rent. Purchasing a used mobile home would be totally doable budget-wise, too. Getting something that we actually like would still almost halve what we are paying in rent currently, even with having a mortgage AND a lot rent. Something to research over the next couple of months. We've looked into it before but hadn't quite accepted the fact that it'll be a decade or more before we could buy a real house in this area. That reality has officially set in.
 
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