Tangled web of poly

[ray]

I am currently dating Owen. I am in a FMF V. I am free to date others. Tonight, I took advantage of that, as a guy that I know from my university, Oscar, asked me out to a movie. It turned out that Owen and Opal and their friends had been planning on going to the same movie theater, so I had Oscar come along with us. Oscar is a close childhood friend of Opal, but none of their friends knew that we were on a date.

After the movie, Oscar and I hung out for a little while and he expressed to me that he'd had a good time and wanted to hang out again. I feel awkward because while I do enjoy hanging out with him, I'm not sure that I have romantic feelings for him and I don't wish to stop dating Owen. I don't think that any of us would feel comfortable sharing our relationship with him, given his connection to Opal's family. I don't really know what to do. I mean, even if I do hang out more with Oscar, when would I express the situation and how do I explain it without sounding psychotic, given that I can't tell him who it is that I'm dating? And I hate telling guys that I don't want to date them, period. He's a cool person and I do think I'd enjoy a friendship with him. Who knows, maybe feelings could develop organically? What to do...?

 

[Mohegan]

There's an interesting article on xeromag, about that. It says something along the line of not having to date everyone that shows interest, just because you're polyamorous. You're not required to be interested in everyone who looks your way. There is no obligation to have feelings for everyone you go on a date with. If a friendship is a better dynamic for the two of you, just let do that. I've learned it is so much easier on all involved to just be honest from the beginning.

 

[Quath]

I think you should have fun with it. It doesn't sound psychotic unless you act defensive when you say it.

 

[jkelly]

I'm not sure that I have romantic feelings for Oscar, and I don't wish to stop dating Owen.

If you don't have romantic feelings for Oscar, you can let him know that, and then continue to hang out from time to time. There's no reason to discuss your love life with him if there's no interest on your part.

I don't think that any of us would feel comfortable sharing our relationship with Oscar given his connection to Opal's family. I don't really know what to do. I mean, even if I do hang out more with him, when would I express the situation and how do I explain it without sounding psychotic, given that I can't tell him who it is that I'm dating?

So, what you're saying is, Owen is in the closet, and you are therefore constrained from going into the details of your love life with Oscar? I think just not talking about your love life at all is both saner and safer than saying, "There's someone, but I can't tell you who," which is indeed going to sound pretty weird. Just change the subject, or say that you're not comfortable with the topic, if it comes up.

 

[ray]

I often have a difficult time expressing to other people that I am not interested in them because a) it's always a little awkward and b) I do this thing where I feel like I need to make myself like them. As if it's my last chance, and I'd better hop on board quick before I end up an old cat lady. Silly, I know. But I accept that it's something I need to do in life, and even though it is awkward in the short term, it saves grief in the long run. I suppose if you have to think really hard about whether or not you're interested in someone, there's a good chance you're not.

And can I just take a sentence to vent and say that it is very hard sometimes, not being out? It's necessary for now, but I wish I didn't have to pretend. Rant complete. Rough weekend. Lots to figure out.

 

[redpepper]

I agree with jkelly, that you could tell Oscar that you don't have romantic feelings for him. I think it is very important to tell anyone those sorts of things. It's just plain respectful to be up front.

On that note, you didn't tell him you were dating a man in a poly couple? Hmm... also not very up front and can lead to worlds of trouble. Total honesty is always the best policy and practice, for me, personally. Anyone I meet who is date-worthy needs to know everything now... in the first sentence after "Hi, do you want to go out with me?" Otherwise I have to keep tabs on what I have said and when and what I need to catch them up on when something comes up. Nope, for me it has definitely been better to just tell them and be on the same page.

There is no reason to say who you are dating, just that you are. That is respectful and shows integrity, I think. I would hope that you told the couple that you went on a date? They need respecting also.

I know these things are hard to do, but you are right, I think. "Short term pain for long term gain" is the way to go.

If it were me, I would tell Oscar that he is a lovely man and you enjoy his company and would love to hang out again, but that you don't have feelings for him that are anything other than friendship. After that, I would add that you already have a bf, and you are satisfied with dating just him for now. Short, to the point, and hopefully he will be happy with a friend.

 

[ray]

I am worried that if I mention that I am dating a man in a poly couple that Oscar will connect the dots and guess who. He happens to be a close friend of Opal's brother and they have decided that they don't wish her family to know. I am not entirely sure if I am poly yet. I'm certainly poly-curious but I ended up in poly because I care about Owen. I don't yet know if later I will pursue other poly relationships. I might be happy just being mono. I'm on the young side and haven't dated very much so I'm still discovering what I like/am.

If Oscar and I hang out again, we will certainly have to talk about our expectations, since I don't see it going further than a friendship. As for the couple, they are very supportive of me dating other people and they were actually present for a good portion of the date. I think they are assuming that if I begin to seriously date someone else, I will then stop dating Owen. We haven't really broached the topic of maintaining my relationship with Owen if I happen to gain a primary. I think he would be open to it, but I can't be sure. Ah, another talk to have!

 

[redpepper]

You don't have to say you're poly necessarily, if it isn't comfortable. Especially if this is not going to be a romantic relationship. If it were, that would be different. You can just say you are dating already and that your life is fine the way it is. You are just looking for friends right now. He probably won't suspect then. And if he has his ideas, who cares? It's not his business, anyway. It might be wise to talk to Owen about what he would approve of if Oscar or anyone else asks direct questions. THAT is a discussion worth having and thinking about, because it could very well come up!

 

[SchrodingersCat]

When I was single/dating, I always liked the somewhat vague expression, "I'm seeing some other people, but I haven't really settled down with anyone." It leaves room for feelings to develop between you and him, and it tips him off that you've got some things on your plate that may push him out of the running.

As for "figuring out" if you have feelings for him, you hit the nail on the head. In the past, I dated some people who "seemed" like they should be perfect for me: same interests, they were attractive, similar politics, good conversations, etc., but nothing clicked, and it was really hard to admit that they just didn't do it for me.

You also want to be careful of being too presumptuous. It would be embarrassing to say "I don't have romantic feelings for you, but I'd like us to be friends," only to find out he was only asking you out as friends to begin with.

In my past, there's always been a very clear point where things started moving into "more than just friends," and you don't want to get much past that before making up your mind and letting him know how you feel.

It's 2010 and you're in university. IMO, there's an unspoken rule at your age that everyone is just dipping their toes in the waters and experimenting, and that all relationships are pretty much friendly and casual until declared otherwise. I don't see any reason to jump right into a decision or announcement. Redpepper's rule definitely works for her life: she's a married parent with other partners. She's not looking for that university-casual dating thing. She wants close emotional connections. You may long for those also, but you have your bf, plus all the time in the world to settle down.

As for your V arrangement getting back to Opal's family, I would feel out Oscar's trustworthiness and tell him before it gets serious. If you think he would spill the beans, then he probably isn't someone you want to be with anyway. Trust is important and if you don't have that, you don't have much.