Texting boundaries

[Cannotthinkofausername]

So having a discussion with my partner the other day I mentioned I would text one of my other partners when I got home. He was surprised and said "Oh hey, text him now, why would you wait?"

I was going to wait because the partner I was physically present with had outlined previously to me, when I first became actively poly, what he was comfortable with, and we had mutually discussed it, and at his instigation we weren't texting other partners when with one partner. That if you are with someone they get your attention and time. I was a little surprised by this at the time since this partner is one who will pretty often sit on his phone and ignore me. Which is fair, you can't be 'on' around each other all the time.

I have been following this for over a year. He has completely forgotten about it, I do not think he has ever followed it. I talked about this with him and he says that what we will do is 'no texting during sex or going-out-dates unless it is important' which is what he has been doing.

So how do you all handle texting? Should there be any boundaries? I don't want to be controlling but I would like to not be hurt, since I know this partner has hurt me before through forgetting about other boundaries (again, one that he had outlined as part of poly relationship, one that was just one of my general 'no-go-areas' which was not poly-related). And it's not his fault, I am stupid and overreact about things- as for example this. I know it's not important. Yet I'm still starting a stupid thread about it anyway.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you are talking about "agreements" you have with your partner about texting.

To me "boundaries are something you set up yourself for you to obey. If I have a boundary of "I don't lend things to careless people" and you borrow my lawn mower? Then bring it back broken with no apology and no offer to repair or replace it? When you come looking to borrow my vacuum I am going to obey my personal boundary of "I don't lend things to carless people." I am going to tell you "No, you may not borrow it." That helps keep me safe from shenanigans.

I am not being controlling when I have personal boundaries. I am not telling people what to do. I am telling MYSELF what I will and will not put up with.

I see two things here.

I don't want to be controlling but I would like to not be hurt, since I know this partner has hurt me before through forgetting about other boundaries (again, one that he had outlined as part of poly relationship, one that was just one of my general 'no-go-areas' which was not poly-related).

Your partner makes agreements he does not keep and/or change the agreements without telling you. You end up upset.

I think you could talk to your partner to clarify agreements and then you can set a boundary for yourself like "I do ___ when agreements are broken more than X times." Maybe you tell partner you will not be making any more agreements about texting. Maybe something else.

You could also set a boundary for yourself like "I don't do "forever" agreements. I want to check in on them every _______ months/years to see if these still work or if they need adjusting." Perhaps your partner outgrew the original agreement and changed to this more "relaxed" version and assumed you just knew but you prefer to have an actual conversation about it rather than assume people know things. Maybe that is the part that needs clarifying.

What is your desired outcome? What would you like to have happen?

And it's not his fault, I am stupid and overreact about things- as for example this. I know it's not important. Yet I'm still starting a stupid thread about it anyway.

It is important to you to not be hurt. I think that is reasonable. Most people don't want to be hurt.

Please do not call yourself names, devalue yourself, or be your own self bully. That is not being kind to yourself. Then you go from having one single problem to "double load" when you pile on like that. It becomes the (original problem) + (beating yourself up about it.)

You could aim to TAKE AWAY from your stress, not ADD more.

Galagirl

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

Part of my problem with this is that I was the first one to have other partners. But he had forgotten about one agreement and unilaterally decided to break the other when he engaged in other relationships. Stuff which I had had to hold to. While it is understandable that he would initially want such agreements, to protect himself, and then would want to break them once it was a rewarding thing for him to do (and maybe just once more time has passed and he was more secure), it makes me feel like this is a one-sided thing. It felt unfair. And yeah, I can see that he might have become more relaxed, but I am upset that he treated it like another thing he would decide, that I was not consulted. I was never told that I could break it, so I kept it. And once he remembered about it he didn't renegotiate boundaries but just kind of said what the 'new' rules would be.

To be honest- this is a small thing though it massively feeds into a problem we had before where I was feeling compared to his ither partners a lot, and like he wasn't present. I am afraid this will happen with bigger things. I want to know that I can say "oh hey, x is important to me" and be heard and know if he promises y he will not just break that promise if he forgets or he wants to. I want to be a partner, not a subject or underling.

 

[vinsanity0]

I don't know about being hurt by it, but if someone is constantly on their phone when we are together I would find a better way to spend my time. When I am with someone I will either wait to answer or just send back a quick text saying I'm busy.

 

[GalaGirl]

If he makes unilateral decisions for the couple and it feels one sided and unfair to you? You could speak up and ask him to stop doing that.

If he ignores you and keeps on doing it? You have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship where this keeps happening and you are not consulted and you do not get a voice in the things that concern you.

And once he remembered about it he didn't renegotiate boundaries but just kind of said what the 'new' rules would be.

When that behavior happens? You could say "No. We need to talk this out. You do not get to just say what the new rules will be."

Even now you could say "Remember the other day when...? On thinking about it I want to talk about that."

I want to know that I can say "oh hey, x is important to me" and be heard and know if he promises y he will not just break that promise if he forgets or he wants to. I want to be a partner, not a subject or underling.

Then you could do your side of the job and start speaking up when you are treated like a subject or underling and ask for changes in behavior.

If he keeps on treating you like a subject or underling? Makes agreements he does not keep? You cannot trust his Word?

And you want to be in a relationship where you are a partner and can trust in your partner's Word? Then you may have to come to terms with parting ways because this particular partner does not treat you the way you want to be treated.

Hopefully partner LISTENS and it does not come to that. But if is basically same old song, different day? And he won't change his behavior? Then you may have to change your "staying-ness" in order to be free of behavior that bothers you.

Galagirl

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

I did at that time. I said that I would not try to control what he did, but I was not comfortable texting other partners when with him and vice versa, that it seemed disrespectful and that I wanted to be present with the person I was with- and that I would prefer he stop sex to deal with whatever the important issue was, rather than texting during. He said that he would remind me to text other partners when we were together, and that it was completely okay (not 'okay with him' but 'okay') and the other rule had been stupid.

I then sent him an overly forthright message saying that I was not okay with the unilateral thing. And he has said we will check in together on these agreements and has agreed to not text other partners when with me for a little bit.

I hate that I have to set boundaries. I hate that I have to jump up and down about boundaries for fear he will forget or ignore them or carve out exceptions, and that I can't trust that stuff he says is important is actually important.

And that I have to be the uptight boundary-setting one and he gets to be the free-and-easy happy-go-lucky chill one. And now something as small as texting becomes a big deal because we had a previous problem where he was constantly comparing me to his other partners in bed (he had outlined a 'no comparing' rule), touching me in ways they like and I don't and not noticing when I asked him to stop (while he was comparing about that specific thing), and going on his phone during sex because he was bored. It ended up massively worsening pre-existing body image issues about the thing he was comparing about. Because of that I am likely to be overly-strict about what my boundaries are and what agreements are suitable and about changing them without asking, and basically I'm just generally unreasonable. And because of that I am thinking of having agreements on this because I am oversensitive and he won't notice if something hurts me.

So I want advice from less biased people on what kind of limits, if any, ye would like to have on texting in such a situation. Probably he's right, probably his preferred rules are the right ones. I don't want to stop him doing things that are fun, I don't want to try and control him. I just do not want to be hurt like happened before. But I also do not want to be the 'nag' and want him to be happy. And maybe he needs this to be happy around me. It seemed important to him.

I could well just be overreacting to small things. He is a good person and is likely in the right. It maybe makes sense for him to make the rules since he's the one who is less biased by previous hurt feelings. I am presenting my subjective, biased viewpoint. And it's because it's biased that I wanted to check in here and see if I am being ridiculous by wanting an agreement on this and a say in it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cannotthinkofausername,

I think that it is unreasonable to agree to a certain set of rules and then change the rules without even discussing it. If he wants texts during dates to be legal, then he needs to come to you first and negotiate for a change. He didn't do that, he just "notified" you after the fact that he had changed the rules all by himself. He even did it in a way that would make you feel dumb for adhering to the original rules.

As for his bedroom behavior, I won't even talk about that. He's way out of bounds.

As far as texts are concerned, I consider the default to be not texting when you're on a date. Unless it's an emergency. However, two (or more) people can agree on a different rule where it's okay to text while you're on a date. I don't have a problem with that. But all affected by the rule should consent to the rule, and you were not consulted for your consent. Therefore the original rule -- let's be honest -- still applies.

Of course I am a bad one to ask about texting. I hate texting; I don't do it at all.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me sum up what I understand. You correct me if I get it wrong.

In the past...

• During sex he would touch you in ways that his other partner likes, but you do not like. When you would tell him to stop touching you like that, he would ignore you.
  
• During sex he would compare you to his other partner.
  
• During sex, if he got bored, he would start texting people.
  
• He makes unilateral decisions for the couple. He does not consult you.
  
• He changes agreements without making you aware and expects you to just go along with what he decides.
• In this relationship, it is like one set of rules for him and another for you.
• In this relationship you role is to be the subject or underling. You prefer to be a partner, but are not treated as such.

Is that more or less it? If so... He is behaving poorly in a lot of ways.

So I want advice from less biased people on what kind of limits, if any, ye would like to have on texting in such a situation

I would not bother making limits about texting. Because all the above would be more worrying. That list of stuff is such a turn off to me that I would decide not to date this person any more so I can be free of all that stuff on that list. That's just not something I want to deal in. I don't want to beg someone to treat me well or like a partner. They either do or don't. I am in charge of my "staying-ness." In a thing where I am not treated well? I know I am not going to stay.

Probably he's right, probably his preferred rules are the right ones. I don't want to stop him doing things that are fun, I don't want to try and control him. I just do not want to be hurt like happened before. But I also do not want to be the 'nag' and want him to be happy. And maybe he needs this to be happy around me. It seemed important to him.

What do YOU need to be happy?

IME, sometimes people who complain about others trying to control them are complaining about people asking them to exercise some SELF CONTROL or SELF RESTRAINT. And they don't want to exercise those. They just want to do whatever they want whenever they want regardless of how that might affect or hurt other people. I wonder if that what you have on your hands here?

Let me ask you something... does him being happy have to come at your expense? If what he needs to be happy and what you need to be happy do not match, you could part ways and be happy separately instead.

Cuz he could keep on behaving this way over THERE. He doesn't have to change one bit.

And you could stop dating him and be over HERE away from all that behavior. Because you do not like being treated this way so you got yourself out of the line of fire. Whether he changes or not doesn't matter. You cannot get dinged again.

Then you don't have him contributing to your bad body image, don't deal with him texting during sex, don't deal with him making you be the subject or the underling or whatever. You don't have to be the nag. You don't have to be "fighting to be heard" all the time only to be ignored. You could be free from all of this.

Relationships don't have to be THIS hard.

I could well just be overreacting to small things. He is a good person and is likely in the right. It maybe makes sense for him to make the rules since he's the one who is less biased by previous hurt feelings. I am presenting my subjective, biased viewpoint. And it's because it's biased that I wanted to check in here and see if I am being ridiculous by wanting an agreement on this and a say in it.

I do not think it is ridiculous for me to have a say in any agreements made and the things that concern me. I do not want to date anyone who thinks my having a voice in the things that concern me is ridiculous. I want a partner that works together with me. Not have someone be the boss of me.

I could be wrong. But to me it sounds like maybe you have been told SO long that you are just "too sensitive" and you cannot have good judgement because of that.... that you doubt yourself even when there IS something to be upset about. All this stuff your posts would upset me. So much so that I would quit dating the person.

If it is truly a small thing here or there... that is one thing. But you have a whole collection of off-putting things. How many things does it have to be before you assess if this is actually compatible or just not worth it any more?

What difference does it make if you are "sensitive just enough" or "oversensitive?" Don't nice people STOP doing behavior that bothers/hurts other people when those people ask them to please stop doing it? Like the sex thing -- if he is touching you in ways you do not want and you ask him to stop... doesn't a nice person STOP touching like that then? Rather than ignore you?

I wonder if maybe you want to keep thinking of him as a "nice or good person." But struggle to keep that belief because here's all these not-so-nice behaviors he is doing. Is that the case?

It maybe makes sense for him to make the rules since he's the one who is less biased by previous hurt feelings.

Who's the one hurting your feelings? Him with his poor behaviors from the sound of it. So I don't think that makes him less biased at all. And it does not make sense to put the person who hurts you in charge of making all the rules.

I don't think this guy's behaviors sound nice at all.

If he's a good person, his current behaviors are not showing it.

I'm sorry.

Galagirl

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

The touching thing only happened during or before comparing. He wasn't trying to be mean, just happy about the other partners and unintentionally forgetting about me- I was a kind of prop and he wanted to share about the exciting stuff rather than engage with the old unshiny partner (NRE or whatever). Otherwise he is excellent at consent. He wasn't ignoring that I was asking him to stop touching or stop comparing, just not noticing that I was doing so because his mind was elsewhere. It wasn't creepy or assault-y or anything. Just inattentive. All the bedroom stuff has stopped but it took a big heart to heart. Now he does none of those things. It was ages ago and I should be over it- I just do not want it to happen again. He has been very good to me about it all and tried to build self-esteem etc in many ways. He is attentive and considerate usually.

With the agreements he forgot about texting and the comparing was just so obviously-to-him "okay" that he thought the rule would not apply. In neither case was harm intended and he would not have done it if he had known it would hurt. The changing agreements etc.thing is bothersome but I think he just didn't see it as a problem. If he had, he would not have done it. He just thought the texting rule was obviously stupid and saw no reason to have it. Which makes it much harder to be like "well I WANT the obviously stupid rule that I thought you were following..."

I would rather have no texting and that is what he has agreed to. But if it turns out he needs it to be happy and comfortable around me, or if getting that means I would have to kick up enough of a fuss to hurt us, I do not want that.

 

[dragonette]

I kind of agree with GalaGirl, even with your clarification. Comparing you to others during sex, and texting during sex, are such obviously hurtful behavior that it's hard for me to believe that he is really capable of being a good partner. I know we're all about "people can't read your minds, speak up about your needs," but you shouldn't have to ask to be treated with basic respect.

Does he complain that you're too sensitive, nagging or controlling? If so, that behavior needs to stop immediately. (And if it gets replaced with eye rolling or other disrespectful behavior, it hasn't stopped.) You are entitled to your emotions. If there is something about the *way* you are communicating your feelings that bothers him (bringing up at bad times, criticizing him versus telling him how things make you feel, harsh language or tone of voice, etc.) that is good constructive feedback. Saying there is something wrong with your *personality* because you voice negative emotions and needs is not good partner behavior.

As for the breaking agreements, assuming you want to keep going with him, I'd suggest you:

1) Discuss with him that breaking agreements is not OK. Renegotiating them is. Set a boundary as GalaGirl suggests -- X rules broken means no more relationship.
2) Write down any agreements so there is no lack of clarity.
3) Plan regular relationship check-ins where, among other things, you can talk about how the agreements you have in place have been working for you.

Good luck!

--dragonette

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like a problem whether it is being thoughtless intentionally or being thoughtless unintentionally. Either way? It's still thoughtless. You still get dinged. And it seems to come up a lot.

You sound tired of trying to be heard. Like it wears you out and you maybe feel like "Oh, not again. Why does everything have to be a THING?"

There are some basic things you should not have to ask for in a relationship. Basic politeness, basic respect.

I would rather have no texting and that is what he has agreed to. But if it turns out he needs it to be happy and comfortable around me, or if getting that means I would have to kick up enough of a fuss to hurt us, I do not want that.

That is what he agreed to. Why are you unwilling to hold him accountable again? Because he is going to turn it into a big hooha again? If so that is another draining thing. If you find yourself not speaking up about things that matter to you just to "keep the peace?" Absence of discussion doesn't mean there is actual peace. The problems are still there.

It wasn't creepy or assault-y or anything. Just inattentive.

I'm not saying that this relationship an "assault-y" thing.

I could be wrong. But to me this relationship sounds like a "draining" thing. If it was one or two things they could be overlooked or worked out. But a whole list of things? And every time... the thing has to take a "big heart to heart" thing to finally resolve? You have to kick up a "big enough fuss" to finally be heard? That's spending a lot of energy. It becomes draining. How long can you go on like that before you burn out?

I imagine it is uncomfortable to think about and address. You could think it out anyway and define where your limit of tolerance lies. How many times do you repeat the same things over and over before you go "As great as he is in other ways, this behavior bothers me a lot. It chronically comes up. He will not change behavior, and I'm tired of feeling like a nag. So I just have to stop being here because changes are not forthcoming and I've waited long enough."

What is that point for you? How much time?

He just thought the texting rule was obviously stupid and saw no reason to have it. Which makes it much harder to be like "well I WANT the obviously stupid rule that I thought you were following..."

To me that sounds like you called him into account. He broke the agreement. He didn't want to own or take responsibility for his behavior. So he started calling the agreements "stupid" to minimize.

It would be one thing if he took responsibility and said "I'm sorry. I did break the agreements. I apologize.

In future I will not make agreements I cannot keep. Im future I will update you when agreements need to change and talk it out instead of just start doing whatever to suit me. When you bring things up, I will listen fully. I will not go on the defensive."

But it doesn't sound like he's owning it.

If a thing really is so small that it is "stupid" to him on his side now (even though he originally instigated this agreement), but it still means a lot to you on your side? He could do it anyway. Just not text when actively with you. If you happen to be in the same room each doing their own thing -- fine. Text all you want. But if this is quality time together like a dinner together, a date, sex share? When one should be PRESENT? Could turn the phone OFF. I don't think that is an unreasonable request.

I would rather have no texting and that is what he has agreed to. But if it turns out he needs it to be happy and comfortable around me, or if getting that means I would have to kick up enough of a fuss to hurt us, I do not want that.

There is nothing wrong in asking for no texting when together so both are PRESENT. That is not unreasonable.

I am concerned though that you making him and his happiness the center of all. And forgetting about what YOU need to be happy in the process.

What do you need to be happy in this relationship? You are very clear what you want.

I want to know that I can say "oh hey, x is important to me" and be heard and know if he promises y he will not just break that promise if he forgets or he wants to. I want to be a partner, not a subject or underling.

Do these behaviors happen? Are you heard when you say plainly "This is important to me?" You don't have to wave giant flags and fuss. You just simply state the thing is important to you. Are you heard?

Does he keep his promises in earnest and consistently? Or only when convenient or it suits him?

If he's not treating you how you want to be treated... then what is the consequence that you can do? You can ask for change and start counting the time. If no changes? And you are past your limit of tolerance? If you do not want "same old song, different day" you might have to think about parting ways.

FWIW, I don't think you are overreacting. There are relationship problems here.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, I agree with GG's and others' advice. I just want to say:

BORED DURING SEX SO HE STARTS TEXTING? WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL???

How on earth does that even work? During sex, our hands are busy. Do you mean you're blowing him or riding him and he's so bored with that, he starts texting other gfs to stir himself up?

WHAT THE HOLY HELL KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS THAT???

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

He doesn't shame me for having emotions. He also doesn't turn things into a big hoo ha so much as it sometimes needs one to get him to notice. He keeps agreements if he thinks thry are important, to me or him. And he wasn't trying to evade responsibility but expressing regret at having held me to a rule that was to him foolish and unnecessary.

Phone was used to block view of me during oral. I am not very attractive and this is understandable (he did not say this but I know this). I objected and he expressed regret and never did it again. He will check it- and I often object and he will stop when I object- but not use it so he doesn't have to look at me or as distraction.

This relationship makes me happy. I feel safe and like I can trust him- unless he forgets or doesn't notice when something is wrong. I just wish he didn't forget, but forgetting can happen to anyone. I'm not going to break up with him over this or anything like it. I value our relationship. He can be inconsiderate accidentally but reacts well when this is brought to his attention in a way that he understands how serious it is- I just wish I was more comfortable with doing that and that it took less for him to notice something is wrong. Because then he is hurt too (not with me, just sad that he hurt me) once he realizes it was serious.

 

[Magdlyn]

Phone was used to block view of me during oral. I am not very attractive and this is understandable (he did not say this but I know this). I objected and he expressed regret and never did it again.

Above you said he was bored. Now you say it's because of his unspoken belief (your belief) that you are unattractive! Sorry to focus on this one thing, but it could be this kind of miscommunication and belief system and lack of agreements are all of a piece.

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

I don't see any contradiction between the two? Like if you are on your phone during sex- hard not to think that is because you are bored. Having something boring to look at is going to contribute to that, and blocking that view might help. He says it is not because he was bored and not because I am unattractive but instead because he sometimes finds it hard to put life down, he thought it would be okay.

But anyway all of this is okay now. It was a long time ago, it's not a big deal, he listened and responded. It is only useful as context for why I got unreasonably upset over the texting agreement.

What do you mean by 'all of a piece'? I am afraid I do not understand.

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

Also just reiterating that ye are all getting only my side of the story, it's one-sided, I am the one who is a bit sensitive so it probably is all a bit overblown and dramatic-sounding etc. I know this myself. And I don't want to be reacting unreasonably because of my body image stuff. So I tend to, for example, wait for a day or two or more before telling him if something is a problem so that I can hopefully take a step back and look more dispassionately at the problem. I don't want to hurt anyone or overreact.

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate them and the time you have taken. I feel reassured and... well, empowered? More okay with setting limits. And much more okay with the situation. I realized on talking through it that I had been getting a bit over-upset. I am glad that I said the upset things to y'all and not to him.

 

[GalaGirl]

It is only useful as context for why I got unreasonably upset over the texting agreement.

I don't think you got unreasonably upset. To me?

• It's reasonable to ask someone to turn the phone off and be PRESENT when spending quality time together.
  
• It is reasonable to want to be HEARD when you say "Oh, hey, X is important to me."
  
• It is reasonable to expect people to keep their promises if they make them.
  
• It's reasonable to want to be a partner and not a subject or underling.

I think you get upset and then you maybe try to minimize it, push it away, or find ways to "swallow" it. If so? Maybe that's something to work on?

I'm glad airing out here helped you feel a bit better. I'm glad that you feel more empowered.

If something happens again, I hope you feel more confident about speaking up for yourself. You are not unreasonable to want these things in a relationship.

GL!

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

Magdlyn pretty much covered what I was going to say... but I find it odd that nobody else seems to find it all that odd or even disturbing that you say your partner is "bored" during sex, used his phone to block his view of you while you were giving him a blow-job, so he did not have to look at you(?!) Not to mention that you believe/d it was reasonable of him to do so because you believe yourself to be so unattractive that you're not worthy of your partner's full attention while sharing such an intimate experience.

OP, I must ask... is the above purely your OWN assessment of that situation, or do you know this to be how your partner really sees you?

If it is the former, and you suspect that your body image issues were already negatively skewed (prior to your involvement with this particular partner), and that you have a tendency to be unrealistically harsh on yourself, then perhaps it's time to seek some form of therapy/counselling, assertiveness training or the like. So YOU can overcome this belief that you're unworthy in so many areas.

If it's the latter, I would personally not wish to continue any relationship in which I was disrespected like that.

You two are both poly and have other partners, correct? And you say you have no intention of ending things with him despite these on-going contentious issues, so I imagine you love him a lot. Do you have any doubt whether your partner truly loves you? Does he SHOW his love in ways other than sharing sex with you? (i.e. Does he remember special occasions, do little helpful things for you "just because", do you guys go on vacation together or the usual "coupley" things?) I ask, because he seems to treat your agreements in a rather cavalier manner and if you are determined to sort things out, you both need to be on the same page re: expectations of the relationship.

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

Lunabunny- he says otherwise, he says that he was just not-present, having difficulty putting life down etc. He goes to a lot of effort to try and make me feel attractive. Given that he moved the phone so as to keep me out of sight I think my view is more likely to be correct. And given that he checks phone during sex. Besides, I've been told a lot by perfect strangers and acquantances how ugly I am. Best compliment I ever got from someone who wasn't a partner was that my face was 'like a mushroom'.

Yes, he is very very affectionate. Out of the blue thoughtful little presents, and there's never a big 'look what I got you BE GRATEFUL'. about them. Holidays, dates, all these kinds of things, lots of emotional support.

 

[mostlymonogamish]

Reading your accounting of events makes me so very sad. I shared this with my partner, who said, "I just want to give her a HUG," and I feel the same way.

You deserve to be valued, because you have inherent worth and value. You deserve to be with a sexual partner who focuses their energy and attention on you, on sharing sensation and connection. And you DAMN sure deserve to be with someone who doesn't pick up their phone when you're sharing sex.

I cannot stress that last point enough. That is not acceptable behavior. Unless the two of you had mutually agreed to film your sexy times, there is NO excuse for your partner to be engaging with his phone. For me? If someone was texting DURING SEX?! The sex would stop immediately, and that would be the last time we ever shared intimacy.

I hear you saying a lot of negative things about yourself, which is perhaps why you're accepting such terrible treatment from your partner. I can't tell if it's stemming from your internal dialogue, or from his disrespect, but you seem to be downplaying your very reasonable reactions, to be characterizing them as "over reactions." I would urge you to listen to your emotions, pay attention to your mind's warning system.

Everyone makes mistakes & forgets things, sometimes. But a partner who respects you will treat you with respect, and won't make you fight to have your voice heard.