Texting you partner when they're on a date

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
Dean is on a date right now. I'm going to bed. If he were out doing anything else I would text him goodnight.
I'm wondering if texting him during his date would be intrusive or rude?
I text Sir and a couple other people goodnight when I'm here with Dean.

Is there a texting etiquette here?

Is this the silliest question? Dean and I are experiencing a lot of firsts lately and I don't always know what to do or how to handle them. It's been working well so far. We've had our meltdowns, but we recover better off than we started. So we move forward.

Sir suggested I just do it and figure out later if it was the right thing for Dean and I. That's not normally not how I operate, on leaps of faith, but maybe I should take more risks, roughly calculated ones?

What do you do? What works for you?

Thanks in advance. I really don't know what I'd do without this forum. I'm a lucky girl.
 
I don't see anything wrong with texting good night. Carrying on a whole conversation would be another thing entirely.
 
Well, maybe this is something you should have discussed with Dean before his date.

I see nothing wrong with it. In my most recent experience around this issue, Pixi texted me while I was having a first date, dinner, with Kahlo. Just to see how I was doing (no doubt making sure I was safe and happy...). I heard her text go off, I briefly checked my phone and saw it was her. I didn't answer right away. When Kahlo went off to the bathroom, I did text her back, and assured her all was well. I also could have gone to the bathroom myself to text her back. I would have felt rude to text her right at the table across from Kahlo. I think I'd have felt differently about it if I knew he was truly poly, but I wasn't sure at that point.

As it was, I was still in the middle of texting her when he came back to the table. He smiled in a sort of tender way when I told him I was texting Pixi, like he felt good I was cared for by her. Of course, I immediately wrapped up the conversation with her and went back to focusing on Kahlo.
 
I pretty much text everybody whenever - but I don't expect an immediate response, especially if I know they're on a date/at work/with their kids. To me that's the great thing about texting - I can send a message when it occurs to me to send it, without worrying that it will be an interruption. Unlike a phone call, which asks someone to stop what they're doing and talk to you right at that moment.

Andy and I (and our friends) are constantly texting, and Castle has two college age kids and three stepkids, and then there's work stuff ... so phones are just constantly going. It doesn't bother any of us that phones are checked often and texts/emails answered. Or if it takes a while to get a response to a text. I give my partners a heads up if I will be totally unreachable for more than a few hours, but other than that, we just text and reply as we get the chance. If it's an emergency, we call.

I get that the first few dates are different from long term relationships where you spend tons of time together and get used to each other's life, but I think I'd still text goodnight, with the understanding that my partner was probably not going to see it for a while.
 
While the sentiment may be nice, attempting to contact someone when you KNOW where they are / what they're doing is passive-aggressive, an attempt to draw attention back to you. It seems to be saying "well, YOU forgot about ME, but >>>I<<< remembered YOU!!!"

There may be some Romantic ritual where one or the other (both?) always sends a "goodnight" no matter what's happening. And I do mean EVERY evenig you're apart, 100%, no less.

Aside from that... no.
 
What is usual for you?

I think it depends a lot how much he uses text for communication with people aside from you. If you would be the only one that might text him and text isn't a normal method of communication for him, then it might be intrusive and unexpected to get a message. If he's a regular texter, then he ought to know to turn off his danged phone when on a date!

If cell phone use isn't second nature for him, I'd probably skip it.

I personally would put into the message something that indicates a response isn't required to be clear it's a one-way note and you aren't trying to engage in a conversation or other distraction. e.g. "I'm tired and off to bed and wanted to say good night. No need to reply."
 
Hi BathedInSalt,

Usually I would consider it uncool to text someone while they're on a date, unless it's an emergency ... however, if you and Dean have an agreement that you will text him goodnight, then it is probably fine.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I send texts when I want, and people can read them when they want. The joy of texting. I always let the guys know when I go to bed so that they know to limit their contact. I have to have my phone on for work at times so it does wake me up. After a good night text we only send "I'm home safe" or change of plan texts.

None of us see it as controlling or insecure. We care about each other's happiness and safety so we want to know that nothing happened when drinking, strangers, etc are involved.
 
I talked to Dean about it after the date.
My hesitation to text had a lot to do with respecting his date and him of course.
I did end up texting goodnight when I was off to bed and Dean texted me back when he was on his way home from the date hours later.

All in all we'll figure out what works for us, even if it occurs to us to do so after a date and not before. We're getting better at that.

For example Tuesday Sir is meeting me at my house before SoulSister takes us to dinner. Sir, myself and Dean will be hanging out before dinner and last night Dean was all "where are we going to sit?" and other logistical things along those lines just to put us all at ease as much as possible. It's all very sweet, there's a great deal of respect and care being taken from everyone to everyone. Good stuff.

Now Dean texted me goodnight Saturday night when I was out with Sir and I totally didn't text back at all! So, there's a learning curve. I felt terrible about it, but Dean said it was ok.

I think I do have that romantic ritual. I don't think I'm trying to be like "hey pay attention to me!" It's something to keep in check though for sure.

Thanks for sharing what works for you all.
 
I think you should have an understanding that you will not text back, unless you happen to find yourself with some time when your date partner is away. When on a date, your focus should be on that partner. To ask for a break to respond sends the message that your other partner is more important, unless you have a ritual of always saying goodnight AND responding with ALL partners.

I do think sending the goodnight text is fine. It just says "I'm thinking of you" and doesn't necessarily say "therefore you should feel guilty for not thinking of me." But if a response is expected, then it comes closer to saying that.
 
When I know my boyfriend is on a date, I won't text him unless it's fairly urgent. But I also make sure to say I don't expect an immediate answer. (If it's something that *does* need an immediate answer, I would call, because I know he doesn't usually check his texts when he's with a partner.) When I'm with him, we usually coordinate things so we have a few minutes apart to check and answer texts.
 
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