dragonette
New member
Hi everyone, I'm dragonette. I'm an early 40s, hetero cis female living in New York City. I was in a monogamous long-term relationship and marriage with a great guy for 11 years (mid-20s to mid-30s). We're still friends.
Since our split, finding people I want to date has been difficult. Finding age-appropriate men who are interested and who don't want to rush into a very serious relationship before we really know each other (in the sense of "I have no social life! Please save me!") has been difficult. I'm independent and value my alone time and time with friends; I'm not going to give it up for someone I've just met.
Although I've never had much interest in dating multiple partners, I have always valued flexibility, freedom and honesty in relationships. So a few years ago, I started exploring the concept of dating someone who was already partnered. A friend told me about the More Than Two website, and I've been reading voraciously about polyamory since then.
And two years ago, I met BF, who was in an open marriage with Wife. BF and Wife at that time had only known each other for 2 years, having been open for at least a year and married for six months. Six months into my relationship with BF, Wife met a poly married man and embarked on a fairly passionate romance with him. I went on a few dates but found that although I like the idea of being able to date, I'm not that motivated to try to make it happen, so I've been voluntarily monogamous with BF.
Fast forward eighteen months, and rather suddenly it seems that BF and Wife's relationship is falling apart. As best I can understand, it seems that Wife always had various doubts about BF's ability to meet her needs, but she married him anyway. Then she met her boyfriend, who met a lot of the needs that BF was not meeting, so she was happy. Now that relationship is on the rocks, she is questioning whether she wants to be poly, but realizing that a lot of her needs aren't going to be met if she stays married to BF and doesn't have outside relationships.
Whatever the cause, from what I'm told she's upset with BF almost all the time now. The level of upset and the suddenness with which she began expressing it have BF feeling confused and terrorized. She has explicitly raised with him the threat of divorce, and he has told me that although he doesn't want to make a rash decision, it's hard for him to see any other outcome here because even if things improve between them, he's going to be afraid of a recurrence, which is going to make it hard for them to move forward together. It's unclear if or when either of them will pull the trigger, but divorce is looking pretty inevitable from where I sit.
It's a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. I have always questioned their compatibility, and now that things are bad between them BF is disclosing more information (about past as well as current events) that makes me question whether BF should stay in this relationship. At the same time, I don't want to encourage him to end his marriage. I'm trying to help BF figure out what he wants, stand up for it, but also make a real effort to reconnect with his wife. But given the dynamic of their relationship, and the relationship between me and Wife, I suspect that if they do get through this rough patch, I may have to end my relationship with BF. So I may seek the advice of the hive on that at some point. For now, I'm just trying to hang on!
Since our split, finding people I want to date has been difficult. Finding age-appropriate men who are interested and who don't want to rush into a very serious relationship before we really know each other (in the sense of "I have no social life! Please save me!") has been difficult. I'm independent and value my alone time and time with friends; I'm not going to give it up for someone I've just met.
Although I've never had much interest in dating multiple partners, I have always valued flexibility, freedom and honesty in relationships. So a few years ago, I started exploring the concept of dating someone who was already partnered. A friend told me about the More Than Two website, and I've been reading voraciously about polyamory since then.
And two years ago, I met BF, who was in an open marriage with Wife. BF and Wife at that time had only known each other for 2 years, having been open for at least a year and married for six months. Six months into my relationship with BF, Wife met a poly married man and embarked on a fairly passionate romance with him. I went on a few dates but found that although I like the idea of being able to date, I'm not that motivated to try to make it happen, so I've been voluntarily monogamous with BF.
Fast forward eighteen months, and rather suddenly it seems that BF and Wife's relationship is falling apart. As best I can understand, it seems that Wife always had various doubts about BF's ability to meet her needs, but she married him anyway. Then she met her boyfriend, who met a lot of the needs that BF was not meeting, so she was happy. Now that relationship is on the rocks, she is questioning whether she wants to be poly, but realizing that a lot of her needs aren't going to be met if she stays married to BF and doesn't have outside relationships.
Whatever the cause, from what I'm told she's upset with BF almost all the time now. The level of upset and the suddenness with which she began expressing it have BF feeling confused and terrorized. She has explicitly raised with him the threat of divorce, and he has told me that although he doesn't want to make a rash decision, it's hard for him to see any other outcome here because even if things improve between them, he's going to be afraid of a recurrence, which is going to make it hard for them to move forward together. It's unclear if or when either of them will pull the trigger, but divorce is looking pretty inevitable from where I sit.
It's a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. I have always questioned their compatibility, and now that things are bad between them BF is disclosing more information (about past as well as current events) that makes me question whether BF should stay in this relationship. At the same time, I don't want to encourage him to end his marriage. I'm trying to help BF figure out what he wants, stand up for it, but also make a real effort to reconnect with his wife. But given the dynamic of their relationship, and the relationship between me and Wife, I suspect that if they do get through this rough patch, I may have to end my relationship with BF. So I may seek the advice of the hive on that at some point. For now, I'm just trying to hang on!