The Best Advice You've Been Given?

G

Gardener9

New member
What's the single best piece of advice another poly person has ever given you? Could also be a unique perspective they shared that helped improve your own poly relationship(s). Might have been shared on this forum, maybe elsewhere.

To make it a little more challenging, just one thing (not a full playbook or listicle 😁)
 
Gardener9 said:
What's the single best piece of advice another poly person has ever given you? Could also be a unique perspective they shared that helped improve your own poly relationship(s). Might have been shared on this forum, maybe elsewhere.

To make it a little more challenging, just one thing (not a full playbook or listicle 😁)
Click to expand...
When you're feeling jealousy in a romantic relationship:

Instead of trying to resolve it through control, lean towards advocating for yourself! Like if you're jealous because you're scared you'll lose something you value such as quality time or tender touch from your partner, tell them! You can work together to help you feel reassured that the things you value in the relationship will still be there, even if it takes some time, adaptability, and creativity to find a new solution.
 
You don't have a metamour problem, you have a hinge problem.
 
Wow, these are both really great! @YesThisIsDog242 thank you for your explanation (I'm already, at the early stage of my journey, finding your point has helped me overcome some jealousy) @Evie feel free to unpack or illustrate your point a little more if you like or have the time to do so (really like the perspective).
 
(Similar to Evie)

Focus on what you need from your relationship, not on what your metamour is getting.
 
Hi Gardener9,

As it turns out, oftentimes the best advice we receive, is advice we give to others. We speak from our own experience, and that advice reflects back on that experience. For me, the one that stands out right away, is that jealousy can often be dissolved by advocating for our own needs. If we feel that our needs will get a fair shake, we may very well not feel so jealous.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Polyamory does not equal group sex.
 
Gardener9 said:
Evie, feel free to unpack or illustrate your point a little more if you like or have the time to do so (really like the perspective).
Click to expand...

If you have a problem with your meta and don't actually know them, your problem isn't your meta, it's that your hinge is over-sharing and painting them in a bad light. What's he telling them about you?
 
Magdlyn said:
Polyamory does not equal group sex.
Click to expand...
I laughed when I read this @Magdlyn ! I realize you're being serious and it's so true what you say. Feels like this is the first part of the education that so many receive when they visit this forum and encounter the insights of long term mods such as yourself.

If I were to ask you to frame your equation positively, what words would you use?

Polyamory DOES equal......? (Probably totally obvious to most - just want to see the words you would use to complete the sentence, say, were you asked by a complete stranger on a public forum 😁)
 
Tinwen said:
(Similar to Evie)

Focus on what you need from your relationship, not on what your metamour is getting.
Click to expand...
@Tinwen this one has really helped me begin to view my relationship with my wife, Bird, in much more concrete, meaningful terms. When reflecting on our previously monogamous relationship through the more abstract lens of "status" (exclusivity, privilege, etc) it can sometimes feel like I've been demoted (as in the Poly Hell article). Oh no! Cat is getting all these things from Bird that used to be mine alone! But if I look at the evidence right in front of me, I'm still getting all the same things I've ever gotten from Bird in our relationship. And now - because she's really taking her role as hinge seriously - a good bit more as well!
 
Gardener9 said:
I laughed when I read this @Magdlyn ! I realize you're being serious and it's so true what you say. Feels like this is the first part of the education that so many receive when they visit this forum and encounter the insights of long term mods such as yourself.

If I were to ask you to frame your equation positively, what words would you use?

Polyamory DOES equal......? (Probably totally obvious to most - just want to see the words you would use to complete the sentence, say, were you asked by a complete stranger on a public forum 😁)
Click to expand...
Rather than reinvent the wheel, why don't you take time to search the term triad and find out all the pitfalls of basing your desire for polyamory on the FMF triad so popular with men? (There is so much porn based on one man/two women fucking, and so many men jack off to this and decide this must be that polyamory they've heard about, and that they want to make this happen in their lives. Guess what? It's not.)

I am currently reading older threads from our Poly Relationship forum, which go back to 2009. There is just a wealth of information. Here is one I am currently reading, for example:


To succinctly answer your question, the definition of polyamory is: Having or desiring to practice the art of managing multiple adult, romantic (usually) sexual relationships, with the full knowledge and informed consent of all parties.

It's not hawt threesome sex with your main squeeze and a hot bi babe. Triads do exist, but they are extremely rare. By far the most common configuration is a V, where one person dates two other people, but those two people are platonic friends at best, or merely acquaintances who are aware each other exist, but may never actually meet irl.
 
Evie said:
If you have a problem with your meta and don't actually know them, your problem isn't your meta, it's that your hinge is over-sharing and painting them in a bad light. What's he telling them about you?
Click to expand...
Thanks @Evie ! Ah, ok, gotcha. So in your experience what's motivating a hinge to be painting one or both of the legs in a bad light with the other? Is the hinge trying to cover up their own mistakes in one dyad by falsely implicating the metamour as kind of bad actor? Or are they thinking it somehow creates closer intimacy between themselves and the one partner who sees their metamour as some kind of problem?
 
Gardener9 said:
Thanks @Evie ! Ah, ok, gotcha. So in your experience what's motivating a hinge to be painting one or both of the legs in a bad light with the other? Is the hinge trying to cover up their own mistakes in one dyad by falsely implicating the metamour as kind of bad actor? Or are they thinking it somehow creates closer intimacy between themselves and the one partner who sees their metamour as some kind of problem?
Click to expand...
There's no intention. It's just natural to complain to partner A about things that didn't quite work out with partner B. But there's different bias: While the hinge has a big love cushion with B, so these are just little complains or even tough situations that are eventually overcome, partner A has no good experience with B himself, no reconnection, and even some pre-worry or jealousy, so it's natural they remember all the bad parts.
It's often better to just not complain about your fights with B to A and vice versa.
 
Magdlyn said:
Rather than reinvent the wheel, why don't you take time to search the term triad and find out all the pitfalls of basing your desire for polyamory on the FMF triad so popular with men? (There is so much porn based on one man/two women fucking, and so many men jack off to this and decide this must be that polyamory they've heard about, and that they want to make this happen in their lives. Guess what? It's not.)

I am currently reading older threads from our Poly Relationship forum, which go back to 2009. There is just a wealth of information. Here is one I am currently reading, for example:


To succinctly answer your question, the definition of polyamory is: Having or desiring to practice the art of managing multiple adult, romantic (usually) sexual relationships, with the full knowledge and informed consent of all parties.

It's not hawt threesome sex with your main squeeze and a hot bi babe. Triads do exist, but they are extremely rare. By far the most common configuration is a V, where one person dates two other people, but those two people are platonic friends as best, or merely acquaintances who are aware each other exist, but may never actually meet irl.
Click to expand...
Thanks @Magdlyn I think it's actually your postings I've encountered that have informed me the most about the pitfalls of the triad. Thankfully, my metamour and I have no such interest in one another - we're not remotely one another's type! 😁
 
Tinwen said:
There's no intention. It's just natural to complain to partner A about things that didn't quite work out with partner B. But there's different bias: While the hinge has a big love cushion with B, so these are just little complains or even tough situations that are eventually overcome, partner A has no good experience with B himself, no reconnection, and even some pre-worry or jealousy, so it's natural they remember all the bad parts.
It's often better to just not complain about your fights with B to A and vice versa.
Click to expand...
Ah, thank you for the clarification. The thing you described has precisely affected our Vee. In part, because I've been having to learn not to ask certain kinds of questions in my accustomed role of trying to support my wife emotionally. You actually warned me about this in a different thread and it's been good advice so far.
 
Gardener9 said:
Thanks @Evie ! Ah, ok, gotcha. So in your experience what's motivating a hinge to be painting one or both of the legs in a bad light with the other? Is the hinge trying to cover up their own mistakes in one dyad by falsely implicating the metamour as kind of bad actor? Or are they thinking it somehow creates closer intimacy between themselves and the one partner who sees their metamour as some kind of problem?
Click to expand...

Neither, both.

Sometimes it's just because you're a trusted person to vent on when life gets hard. No actual malice intended.
 
Gardener9 said:
Thanks @Magdlyn I think it's actually your postings I've encountered that have informed me the most about the pitfalls of the triad. Thankfully, my metamour and I have no such interest in one another - we're not remotely one another's type! 😁
Click to expand...
Okay. Since there is no attraction between you and your meta, that piece of advice is irrelevant. But so many new couples come here thinking triads ARE what polyamory IS. So I think it's good to put it on the list. It's a major assumption.

What would your best piece of advice be, given that you are already in a V? What are some lessons you have learned already? What other things are you confused or curious about? If you want this to be advice for you personally, that is. Not just for the general "new to poly" public.
 
To expand on "You don't have a metamour problem, you have a hinge problem," here are some common meta problems that are actually hinge problems:

-Hinge breaks a relationship agreement while with meta.
Ex: You have an agreement with the hinge partner to always use condoms with other people. When hinge sees meta, they ask to forgo condoms and hinge says yes. You may be mad at your meta for asking not to use condoms, but it is your hinge partner who broke their agreement.

-Hinge is oversharing about the time they spend with meta.
Ex: Your hinge partner tells you how amazing your meta is in bed and how they do things you’d like to do but aren’t able to. This leads to you feeling jealous and insecure. You may be tempted to ask the hinge not to do certain sex acts with meta. Instead, you should ask your hinge to stop oversharing.

-Hinge cancels plans with you to spend time with meta.
Ex: Your hinge has a date planned with you, but then meta has a bad day and wants to spend the day with your hinge. Your hinge cancels the date to spend time with your meta. You may be mad at your meta for requesting your date time, but in reality it was your hinge who made the decision to cancel plans.

-Hinge overpromises time with meta, so there is not enough time left for you to spend with hinge.
Ex: Your hinge spends one day a week with you and two days a week with your meta. Lately, your meta has been asking your hinge to spend three days a week with them. In order to appease your meta, your hinge starts spending what is typically your day a week with your meta. You may think it’s unfair that your meta requested more time when they already get more time with you, but it’s okay for them to ask. It is up to the hinge to either deny that request or figure out how to honor it without cutting into your time.

-Meta is feeling jealous of you, so hinge de-escalates your relationship.
Ex: Your meta has been having a very difficult time seeing your hinge fall in love with you. As a result, your hinge decides to de-escalate your relationship from serious to casual. You may feel like your meta’s emotions are to blame, but in reality, your hinge partner was the one who made the decision to de-escalate without being asked to do so (and even if your meta asked your hinge to de-escalate, they still had the option of refusing).

-Meta is saying negative things about you.
Ex: Your meta is saying negative things about you to your hinge, and your hinge is reporting back to you. This is still a hinge problem. When your meta says unkind things, your hinge should shut them down. Your hinge should not be sharing what your meta says about you, as that may be a form of triangulation.
 
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