The Best Life Yet

[Tinwen]

Is it weird that I feel the need to set up a "contingency fund" for them in case they ever feel the need to leave?

Maybe not so weird if you feel kind of in charge. I've read a recommendation to do exactly that for the sub in 24/7 DS relationships (especially if she is staying at home) - now, I don't think that's the only situation where it applies, I think it's wise in every relationship where one of the spouses is more carrier oriented and the other provides for more home care. It would be much better if thinks are clean ("if you are leaving, this is your money and this is mine") then a ... credit card.
On the other hand, you could trust them to have their two feet, be able to find work if necessary etc...

 

[Reverie]

Is it weird that I feel the need to set up a "contingency fund" for them in case they ever feel the need to leave?

MrS, at least, has the money in the IRA that I set up for him and the protections of being a legal spouse, but Dude has nothing but a credit card (in my name) and access to a joint account (that has limited/monthly petty cash funds in it). Maybe it is because I talk so often to my DV clients about having "escape funds" that this bothers me so much? (To be perfectly fair, MrS could go live with his parents and Dude has been, essentially, a professional couch-surfer his entire life...)

I'm not sure how weird it is. I guess maybe at least a little weird because I've never heard anyone mention anything like that—in case of death, sure, but in case of them wanting to leave you? However, weird or not, it's very sweet!

I have done the "leave and be real broke" thing a whole bunch of times, but usually once I've gotten to the point of leaving, my trust of the person is so broken that I would be suspicious of any kind of "parting gift"—surely they would only do it to keep me on the hook somehow.

You've been with your people for so long, though, and have such a good relationship with them, that that almost certainly would not be the case for you and yours.

 

[Tinwen]

once I've gotten to the point of leaving, my trust of the person is so broken that I would be suspicious of any kind of "parting gift"—surely they would only do it to keep me on the hook somehow.

I think it only works if it is established clearly while the relationship is still ok...

 

[Reverie]

I think it only works if it is established clearly while the relationship is still ok...

That's a good point! I think you're right.

 

[Reverie]

This weekend was fantastic! I'll pick up from where I left off last Thursday, with a bit of less fantastic stuff, then move on to the awesomeness in my continuation post...

So, Friday had a few little "blips" of unpleasantness in the daytime, but everything worked out fine in the end. The first thing was half a stupid jealousy thing on my part, and part an uncharacteristically callous reaction on Rider's part.

Rider had IMed me a link to an old pic of him that he'd put up on Facebook a long time ago, and I'd posted a comment on it. In the pic, he is all glammed out and wearing makeup (which I love), and his mouth looks super cute. So I'd commented "moufffff" because that's a running joke with us. Apparently, my commenting on it made it pop up in other people's newsfeeds, because two other people also then posted on it, one of them being Rita. She posted, "It's Friday, and I'm in love!" with a little emoji with heart eyes. And because I'd posted above it, it notified me.

I have an ongoing jealousy "thing" about Rita, and most of the time it lies like a sleeping lizard, but that also happened to be one of my two most emotional days of the month, so reading that felt like a knife in my gut. (Actually, it's super odd, but she often seems to be more overtly flirtatious to him online during the exact worst days for me, hormonally, for jealousy. Maybe her cycle is opposite mine or something!) I applied some jealousy dispersion techniques—both old ones and also new ones that I've been learning as part of an overall meditative thing—but part of my technique is that instead of hiding from it and concealing it from others, I name it—not only to myself, but also to Rider.

Usually, he's really good about validating my feelings and saying reassuring things, and having voiced how I feel and having received a bit of reassurance, the feelings dissipate. But this time, he responded oddly, just saying, "LOL, it's OK. That's a really old pic. We're getting married, remember?" and then starting to crack jokes about the bummed out emojis I sent.

And I felt...unheard. And like my emotions were being made the butt of jokes. So I told him that, and he explained that he feels awkward that I feel bad and that he (or something related to him) is the cause of those bad feelings, so he was trying to "fix" the situation by lightening it up with humor. He apologized and said he forgets sometimes that it's not his job to "fix" it.

I told him that it's definitely not, and reminded him that the way he usually helps me is to acknowledge that I feel the way I feel and to reassure me that his getting attention from other people doesn't diminish how much he loves me or thinks about me. And he said that makes sense.

And then things were good again for a few hours, but then we were both maybe going to get off work early, and he started talking about hitting up happy hour, and I reminded him that that night—Friday night—was our last chance to have unrestrained sex before Moss arrived on Saturday. And also that usually when he gets three drinks ahead of me, he falls asleep before we have a chance to have sex, so maybe it would be a good idea for him to take it kind of easy so we don't miss out.

That ended up turning into a huge thing. He...I don't know if "accused" is the right word, but something close to it...me of trying to "police" his drinking. Which was nothing at all close to my intention. I just wasn't sure that he'd noticed the trend that when he got three drinks ahead, we'd not have sex, and I wanted to have sex, so I was bringing it to his attention. So I told him that.

And then he turned it around on me and was like, "Well, we've both been there. It's not like it's only me who has ever gotten too drunk and fallen asleep before we had a chance to have sex. It happens. I don't think it's a big deal." Which is technically true, but it's way less frequent. AND he's the one who would have the opportunity at that moment, so it was kind of pointless bringing it up. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad or guilty. I was trying to, I guess, kind of inoculate us against a somewhat worrying pattern repeating. I like to party too; it's not like I'm sitting there counting his drinks and sighing, or wanting him not to have a good time.

What it IS is that while our sex has been really GOOD lately, it's also been markedly less frequent than what I'd gotten used to for most of our relationship. Between Pablo being here for almost two weeks, and then band practice usually running till nearly past bedtime, and, indeed, Rider partying too hard and falling asleep early...it just seems to have dropped off some on average. Not to the point where I'm actively unhappy, but to the point where (knowing that we probably wouldn't get a chance with Moss here this weekend), I really didn't want to skip it that night.

So, in my mind, I was petitioning for what I wanted by identifying something that has historically been an obstacle to that thing, and trying to prevent it—head it off at the pass. And in his mind, I was criticizing him and "policing" him.

The situation wasn't helped by my taking offense at being cast as "police." We have no laws about drinking, and therefore I'm not being any kind of enforcer. I'm not AT ALL the kind of person who nags or harps or makes people feel guilty for living it up. If anything, I am a much more "partner in crime" type of person who is too susceptible to being a bad influence or being easily badly influenced. Historically, if I have expressed a desire and a concern that that desire might go unmet, Rider has been super eager and collaborative about wanting to help me meet it—and it's always seemed like he's viewed it as teamwork.

This whole "me as police" thing is a totally new attitude from him, and it makes me very uneasily reminiscent of getting into weird control dynamics with past partners, where either the partner was trying to control me and set some super-restrictive stuff (like "no nightswimming with friends") that I felt compelled to rebel against, or where the partner was out of control of themselves in some way and I would either indeed try to control them for them, OR I would feel like a martyr for having to put up with it, and that attitude would make me sulky and bratty myself—typical codependency type of shit. I am not falling into that in this relationship. I'm not Rider's mom, to tell him what to do—I'm just saying what I want and what patterns I have noticed that might negatively affect my getting what I want, and what he does with that information is up to him.

And then I was also kind of cumulatively upset that this was now Thing 4 in a single week of Rider and I being at odds about something (however minor). The clothes thing, the my being late thing, the jealousy slash how he responded to my admission of it thing, and now this.

We ended up coming to a tentative peace online and then completely resolving it over margaritas when we met up in person. I expressed my discomfort at being cast in some kind of enforcer role rather than as a teammate and partner. And also how upset I was that the entire week had been studded with uncharacteristic conflict. He said he'd had a rough couple of weeks at work, so some of it was probably his taking stress out on me that he shouldn't have been, so he apologized. And I reiterated that it was my most touchy and hormonal week as well, so I was probably reacting in a more amplified manner.

We hugged and expressed love and left it at that, and had a wonderful rest of our evening.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

After dinner and drinks (but not TOO many!) we went home and had some of THE most fantastic sex. Totally connected, totally electric, totally amazing. We were already in our PJs and settled in for the night when I saw in my newsfeed that our new DJ friend was spinning nearby. She'd told me about the event but originally gotten the day wrong. I'd told her I would try to come out but had been prepared to do so on SATURDAY, not Friday. Still, I wanted to make better friends with her, so we hopped into a cab.

I was really glad we had. The place was nearly empty, so Rider and I played around dancing like fools to liven the room up. Eventually, people started to drift in, and by the time 1 a.m. rolled around, I felt OK about leaving without completely abandoning her. We had plenty of time to just chat with her, too. AND the place was a British pub with food that looked amazing, so it was a fun restaurant find as well. It was way past our bedtime though, so we packed it in and passed out immediately upon arriving home. I was super glad that we'd kept to Dan Savage's adage and "fucked first."

We woke up super early, still on the futon, slightly hung over and not having slept much, and we went out to get biscuits for breakfast. We were joking and laughing the whole time. After returning home again, we lazed about, watching TV and drifting in and out of naps. Once we felt better, we did a thorough housecleaning in preparation for Moss's visit.

We took the train downtown to meet his Amtrak, and went to a couple of breweries. Then we went to Rider's favorite downtown bar for margaritas. Then we got Thai food and went home to mess around with music. It was a really fun night. Rider and Moss get along like old friends. They really like each other.

The next morning, I went to pick up the rental car, we grabbed breakfast at a legendary breakfast establishment, and then we all went hiking. We did a five-mile hike and saw so many pretty flowers and adorable critters. We even saw a (harmless) snake! The place where we hiked is one of my favorite places in the whole world, and it was great to show it to Moss, and to show more of it to Rider.

Once we returned to the parking lot, we were all famished from the exercise, so I took them to my favorite Chinese place near the beach. It was also a hit. While we were eating, Oona was texting me saying that she and Toby felt like getting out of the house and were thinking of coming to our neighborhood. We agreed to meet up with them for a couple of drinks.

We ended up all going to the same place where Rider and I had gone for dinner and margaritas on Friday, and it was super chill. Moss and Oona hadn't seen each other in a number of years, so they had fun catching up, and Moss and Toby liked each other as well. It was super fun to have three of my favorite people around the same table. Rider and I made plans to see Oona's new place the next day.

Rider went to bed early, and Moss and I stayed up talking for a while till I had to cut myself off and force myself to go to sleep due to having to return the car in the morning. It was a good talk. Moss told me that he realized I'd been right to stop his advances the last time I visited him—that we are better off as friends. That made me happy.

Monday, I woke up early, returned the car, came home, and went back to sleep. When I woke up, Rider and Moss were geeking out over musical equipment. We coffeed ourselves up, walked to the train station, and we sent Moss one way while Rider and I boarded a train the opposite way to Oona's.

Rider and I hadn't had a chance to eat before the train, so we stopped off at a taco place and got some Mexican breakfast. Then Toby and Oona picked us up from the train stop, which is about two miles from their place. Their place was great! It has a loft and a rooftop patio with a great view. We sipped beer and shot the shit until it started to get dark, then Toby gave us a ride home. It was so fast! They live so close now!

Once home, Rider and I did some light cleaning up, ate a giant pile of leftovers, and watched some shows. I suddenly was having some neck pain that was causing a tension headache, so he rubbed me a bit. I was super-mega-bummed that my neck/headache completely took away my desire for sex (since it had been a few nights) but Rider said he was really tired too. We vowed to make up for it tonight and fell asleep really hard, and my pain disappeared overnight.

This morning, Rider discovered that there are pictures of us up on the website for the outdoor movie we went to last weekend. On our way in, a photographer had stopped us and had us pose for her like a bajillion times. And I guess we made it into the final set for the website. That happened at the indoor music festival a couple of months ago too. People like us.

So it was an incredible weekend. I spent more money than I've been spending lately, but I stayed within the budget I set for myself for Moss's visit. He was on vacation and it's always a little expensive to show someone around, but it was all 100% worth it. He invited us down to hang out at his place anytime, and we are absolutely going to take him up on that!

 

[Reverie]

It's my blogiversary! I started this thing two years ago and, man, a lot has happened since then. I'd love to post some sort of retrospective kind of thing, but I am waaaay too busy today. Still, I didn't want it to pass without marking it and posting a little update.

Things are good here. Rider and I have a date night planned tonight (which seems to be becoming our regular Friday thing). Oona told us about a place that does kinky movie screenings, and when we checked, we saw that they are showing Secretary tonight. It's one of Rider's favorite movies, and I have seen it only once—years and years ago—and barely remember it, so it'll kind of be like the first time for me.

This week has been pretty busy. Tuesday was pilates and Rider having his friend over to watch wrestling (which I fell asleep during, but I woke up to rally for sex at the end of the night). Wednesday, Rider and I ran errands, grabbed a drink out, and then came home and worked on music till bedtime (and had fantastic sex). Last night was a kick-ass band practice, after which I was too tired to get it on. But I have high hopes for tonight! It seems that for all Rider's objection last week when I'd brought up the drinking-preventing-sex thing, he has taken it to heart on some level, because the problem hasn't recurred since.

My body is being weird. Sometimes my period will do this thing where it acts like it is going to start regularly (hormonal crying days, mega appetite, bloating, cramping) and then the day that it would regularly start, instead of really firing up and starting, it just kinda...stalls. Like spotting-level bleeding but taking forever to get to the real deal. Rider and I call it the "weriod." I've always had irregular cycles when I am not on hormonal BC, and it always happens during the times the cycle is longer. No clue, but annoying!

I talked to Sam yesterday and it seems that he is continuing to have some troubles with his house stuff. This time, he suspects either a new dust mite allergy or having picked up bedbugs somehow. Rider and I have a lot of experience with trying to figure that stuff out (because of Rider's whole straw itch mite debacle last year), so I made some suggestions of ways he can narrow that down.

He said he may have to go to his brother's first (rather than here first) and meet us up there, and THEN come down here. Which is fine, but it does mean that my first opportunities to be alone with him will fall during the next time I am bleeding—bummer. Oh well.

I also decided what I am getting the boys for their birthdays. I am getting a special guitar pedal for Rider (one that Moss recommended), and a food dehydrator for Sam (because he loves healthy snacks).

On poly fronts, I'm feeling pretty good about everything. It's been just over a month since the hiatus started, and I am thisclose to canceling it, but I am keeping my promise to myself to wait through one full menstrual period and then evaluate at that point, and the damned weriod is putting that point off.

I do feel a small sense of loss at the idea of no longer having a "guaranteed summer of freedom" (from worrying about all that stuff), but the whole idea was for me to get to a better place mentally, and I really have been. Things are less stressful for me in a number of ways right now, and I feel pretty recharged. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take a little extra time, since I have it, and recharge even more...we'll see.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I have never commented on your blog before, but Secretary is one of my all-time favorite movies, and I'm not even into kink! There is just something about the chemistry between James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I thought about renting it (again) on Netflix just the other day. If THAT movie doesn't put you in the mood, then nothing will. Enjoy!

 

[Reverie]

I have never commented on your blog before, but Secretary is one of my all-time favorite movies, and I'm not even into kink! There is just something about the chemistry between James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I thought about renting it (again) on Netflix just the other day. If THAT movie doesn't put you in the mood, then nothing will. Enjoy!

I did enjoy it—though I must say that I found it a little difficult at first to extract myself from the mindset that he was a blatant asshole who was manipulating a mentally ill woman. I did eventually relax and find my suspension of disbelief that allowed me to think of it kind of like an alternate-universe Disney princess story. I never judge those quite so hard because I am not expecting them to be believable. I'm funny sometimes about not being able to fully immerse myself in movies when I can't identify with any of the characters. I think it's something to do with some of my more spectrum-y traits.

 

[Reverie]

I am completely dying of cramps today. This one's a "weriod," for sure. It's only with the weird ones that I get cramps days after starting bleeding, and that put me on my back in pain.

Luckily for me, Rider is the sweetest man in the world and brought me breakfast on a tray and then cleaned the entire kitchen while I lay back and read the internet.

This has been an interesting weekend. Friday night, we went to the movie as planned, and that was a lot of fun. It turns out that the woman who runs the event was someone I'd hung out with a little, long ago. Her ex used to work with Oona back about five years ago, and we'd all gone out to a dance club together and partied until dawn. I'd liked her at the time, but I'd never connected with her on social media.

Rider and I talked to her for a while at the event, and she was telling me that she can get us into kink events and such for free/cheap. It's good to have a hookup on the inside, and I think Rider was really happy to have an "in" into the local kink scene here now.

Perry had invited us to his other band's album release party that night, but we were pretty sure we were going to miss them playing since they were due to go on at 10 and the movie wasn't going to end until 11. But we learned that another band was going on after, so we decided to go hang out anyway.

When we got there, we discovered that they were actually still on! And we saw a bunch of cool people we'd met at Mel's party. Unfortunately, right after arriving, I discovered that I'd lost my wallet. I messaged the cab driver and it turned out I'd left it in the cab, so I went outside to stand around waiting for him to come back.

While I was out there, a really cute guy started chatting me up. He told me his name and asked how old I was because he'd heard me explaining to the door guy that my ID was missing for the moment. Then he said he was 32. When I mentioned having a fiancé inside, he asked me why I was standing out there chatting with him. I explained the wallet situation, and I also said that Rider doesn't mind when I talk to other guys. He seemed surprised, so I talked to him for a bit about poly and how we are currently on hiatus from dating new people but that we still don't try to limit each other hanging out with whomever we want. He seemed bemused by the whole concept.

Finally the driver came back and gave me my wallet, and I ran inside to let Rider know that I had my wallet. Perry's band was over and a new band was playing. I told Rider I was talking to someone outside and would be back in in a while.

The guy convinced me to go around the corner with him to a bar where he works sometimes and have a quick beer with him where it was less loud than the bar. I texted Rider to let him know where I was and that I'd be back super fast. The guy bought me a beer and we chatted. We decided we wanted to be friends. He admitted, seeming kind of ashamed, that he'd lied about his age after learning mine, and that he was actually 27. The whole thing was kind of strange but I didn't get any kind of creepy vibes off of him. He seemed nervous, is all. Two thirds of the way through my beer, I told him I really needed to get back, so we slammed our stuff and headed back to the other place.

When I got there, Rider had been looking for me. I guess his phone had died so he hadn't gotten my text about where I was. But coincidentally, they were looking for me so that we could all go to the place that I just was. We all (including the other guy) walked back over there. I explained to Rider what had been going on and he was cool with everything but felt the need to remind me of the hiatus. I told him I wasn't trying to hook up with this guy, and that, at 27 and willing to lie about his age, that would be dodgy even if I was. It was a fun momentary diversion—chatting with someone new. Soon thereafter, we left to go home. And that was the end of that. We've exchanged info, so we'll see if we end up becoming friends or not.

Saturday morning, we woke up and had REALLY great sex, then ran some errands and ate some breakfast. I had work to do for my job, so I did that for a few hours while Rider napped. Then it was time to go support another bandmate (Rebecca) at one of her shows with one of her other bands. Rebecca is an insanely talented drummer, and she does a lot of jazz shows. This one was at kind of a fancy restaurant. Rider and I couldn't really afford more than a single drink there, which we nursed while watching her play. Afterward she sat and talked with us for a while, and she told me how much fun it is for her when she plays with us. I never stop feeling amazed and honored that so many talented musicians actually like playing with me, since I'm still barely moved on from the beginner stage.

We went to bed right after going home, and I had strange dreams all night. In one dream, Rider told me he'd changed his mind and wants to have kids—but not for 10 more years. (This is totally unrealistic, as he is the most staunch anti-reproducing person I know.) In another dream, we were about to have a threesome with a really hot girl that my brain invented...but then cramps woke me up before we got to the good part.

Speaking of dreams...

So, Wednesday night, I'd dreamed of Beckett all night for some reason. I've probably written about it here before, but from the first time I met him, before we ever had a date, till now, nearly ten months after we stopped seeing each other, he just shows up in my dreams sometimes. I like to message people to tell them when I've dreamed of them, as long as we're on friendly terms and nothing is actively weird, so I did when I woke up the next morning. Yesterday, he actually wrote back! We had a short conversation. He's still with the ex he went back to right after we stopped dating. I'm happy for him that he's happy. And I'm also happy for me that I occasionally get to dream about making out with him.

The other person I talked to yesterday who I haven't in a while is Aurora. I'd sent her a few texts recently just seeing how she is, but she'd not written me back at all. Finally yesterday I'd asked her if she is mad at me, and she said no, she's just insanely busy and bad at texting. Fair enough, so am I. I'm just happy that she still likes me and that path isn't closed.

And I've been talking to Sam a bit today. Seems he's gotten his bug problems mostly sorted, and in the end suspects fleas on his cats more than bed bugs or dust mites. He said he'd given them flea meds but discovered that they still had fleas anyway, so that's probably the problem. He's going to switch meds and he's been spraying his house, which seems to have helped. He also said that he really for real is going to get his airline tickets figured out soon. I'm worried for him that they are going to be exorbitant now that he has waited so long, but there's nothing I can do about that. Foot-dragging has consequences in the world of travel fares.

Moss wrote me yesterday and said he had so much fun hanging out with me and Rider and making me promise that we would come to Grad City to visit him soon. I told him we will try to do so soon after we get back from our July 4th trip. It is not a very long way at all.

I was looking at pictures Elise has posted on her Facebook today. She is so cute and sweet. She always puts little hearts on pictures of Rider and me together. I wish there were some way we could spend time with her, but she is nomadic, traveling for work, and her work never takes her close to our city. Maybe one day we'll have the means to come to her. I have very fond memories of that day she came over and we all got to make out and fool around a little bit.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

In terms of more philosophical poly thoughts, I finally got a chance today to read an article I'd bookmarked that had been shared on Facebook via Kimchi Cuddles. Reading the article helped me better articulate in my mind what some of my discomfort is at the idea of Rider finding a steady secondary. The article is written from the secondary's viewpoint, and it contains these quotes:

"I have no intentions of 'dethroning' my lover’s wife but I do sometimes feel envy at her position. Envy that I can never have what she has with him. Envy that what I want is possessed by someone else."

"I feel sadness that I was not the one to share his life, traveled to exotic places, and have a family together."

"For example, she might tell herself that she is more beautiful, or more intelligent, therefore he loves her more. She might reassure herself of his preference for her by dwelling on the weaknesses of their marriage and the strengths of their relationship."

"Yes, I wish that my lover had married me instead of his wife when he was younger..."

These quotes are scattered among strategies for dealing with that envy, and stories of compersion, so I want to make that clear here for people who might not have time to read the whole article—I am cherry-picking out the stuff that bothered me, and I don't want to gloss over that or act like I missed the point of the article.

But it was these things that prickled me that helped me define part of what I fear, so it is these that I am going to talk about.

Put quite simply, I am afraid that someone who might come into Rider's life—both of our lives—might harbor these same feelings and NOT be conscious and conscientious enough to set aside "intentions of dethroning." I know how easy it is when you want something, really want it, and envy it when others have it, and have that result in succumbing to the temptation to sabotage.

I've felt that pull in mono situations before, where I wanted to date someone who was monogamously partnered, and it became super tempting to lure them to cheat. When I was younger, less evolved, and less considerate, I very much had an "all's fair in love and war" viewpoint, figuring that if someone COULD be "lured," then they weren't happy in their situation to begin with. Now I understand that is an unfair and reductive viewpoint—there's so much more at play than how happy their situation is. There's NRE, there's a novelty advantage, there's mystery, there's manipulative behavior (which I was sometimes guilty of), there's natural human weakness in the face of a seduction campaign, etc.

And I find it hypothetically very hard to trust anyone who might wish that my partner were married to them instead—even if they might not be consciously acting on that wish, I fear that just having those wishes and thoughts might subconsciously inform their actions, and they might behave manipulatively toward Rider, maybe without it even being conscious action. Anyone who might spend time dwelling on what the weaknesses in my marriage might be...especially as a comparison point for what their own relative strengths might be...seems like a better candidate for an enemy than for a friend.

And I *do* believe that Rider is susceptible to manipulation. His ex Claire used to manipulate him quite a bit, and I've seen how easily other girls he finds to be attractive can pull the wool over his eyes without his realizing it till it's pointed out to him. He likes to see the good in everyone, and he's easily blinded by a pretty face and especially by attention being lavished upon him.

The flipside is that I also believe that he will believe me ahead of anyone else when I do point it out to him. He trusts my opinion of people. He wants to keep our relationship happy and intact.

But reading "inside thoughts" of a secondary like those I quoted above pretty much confirmed my fear that, yes, it is likely that those feelings will be present in a third party. And then I just have to trust that the person will be kind enough and self-aware enough not to let those feelings drive them to try to unethically maneuver the situation to relieve them of those feelings by actually trying to take my place when they identify that they covet it. And, of course, also trusting that Rider can learn to recognize and avoid manipulation.

If it doesn't affect my life in any real sense, I need not be afraid of it.

Obviously, this whole situation is not unique to poly. As I mentioned above, in younger years I did not let monogamy stop me when I coveted. But poly does perhaps leave more room for it, since developing emotions is kind of the point.

Oddly, there is almost something comforting about the fact that I stumbled upon this concrete evidence that this particular fear of mine is not irrational. It's like naming the beast and knowing where it lives makes it less mysterious, and it makes me feel less "crazy." And it makes me, if anything, MORE determined to act with bravery and not let my life be ruled by the fear of what lives inside other people's heads and hearts. Small steps. Understanding. Progress.

Tonight we have tickets to a small, intimate performance by one of Rider's all-time favorite musicians. I hope the cramps decide to be done before then, else I will have to gobble ibuprofen, which always wrecks my stomach for like a week afterward—I am hypersensitive to the stuff.

Right now, I am enjoying watching him practice Dead Kennedys songs and play with the new light setup he got for our band. I'm so freaking lucky that this sweet, gentle, talented, giant, sexy man is a part of my everyday life. <3

 

[Reverie]

So...Beckett just messaged me a selfie from the top of a volcano in Costa Rica, where he is currently vacationing, and I about had a heart attack. Like, he is in a foreign country having an amazing adventure, and he thought of me. That still makes me squee so hard. Rider was laughing and telling me he totally understands, because if Kitty did the same thing to him he'd feel the same way.

That crush on Beckett is never gonna die, I tell ya.

 

[playfulgirl]

I feel compelled to give you another perspective. I'm the non nesting co primary. Lady and I have a close but complicated relationship. I do sometimes become envious of their arrangement. There's times where being the historical live in partner would be fabulous. But I get history and it's importance and I love real. His connections helped make him the person I love. I see so much fear here and else where that presumes us later loves are out to steal away or manipulate folks. Maybe some are, but that's not everyone. Please don't let fear rule. There are people who can respect and adoue that previous connection without malicious intent. Real wouldn't have become the man I love if lady were not in his life. And I would never wish to cause the pain he would experience through relationship difficulties with her. Trust that there are good non nesting partners that rider can find

 

[Reverie]

I feel compelled to give you another perspective. I'm the non nesting co primary. Lady and I have a close but complicated relationship. I do sometimes become envious of their arrangement. There's times where being the historical live in partner would be fabulous. But I get history and it's importance and I love real. His connections helped make him the person I love. I see so much fear here and else where that presumes us later loves are out to steal away or manipulate folks. Maybe some are, but that's not everyone. Please don't let fear rule. There are people who can respect and adoue that previous connection without malicious intent. Real wouldn't have become the man I love if lady were not in his life. And I would never wish to cause the pain he would experience through relationship difficulties with her. Trust that there are good non nesting partners that rider can find

Hey, playfulgirl. Thanks for the additional perspective. I love when people write back to me with their own take on things and on what I've written, because it gives me an opportunity to distill and clarify what I think.

I'm not sure how far back in my posts you've read, but "not letting fear rule" is actually the purpose of the thought exercises I've been doing. I don't know how common it is for most people, but for me, my emotions are super-layered, kind of like a gobstopper. I have to wear the layers down to find out what's at the center of them. A lot of times, my first response to something that bothers me is kind of an intensely felt but vaguely understood discomfort. And then I have to chip away at it for a while to identify what's at the core.

In this most recent case, when Rider and I went on "new-people-hiatus" for a while, it was because I really didn't have the emotional resources available to do that chipping and figure out why the idea of his meeting new people to date at this time was freaking me out so hard. Having taken some of the pressure and feeling of "impending doom" away has replenished enough of those resources that I am able to do some internal work—on self-soothing, on learning to be more OK with flux and change, and, importantly, on figuring out WHAT exactly are the little grains of irritating sand that have become these pearls of discomfort.

So my last post wasn't about giving into fear or finding more things to fear. It was more about identifying and clarifying exactly what the already existing fears are, and trying to understand them well enough to express them.

In an earlier post, I described that a LOT of weight came off of my back when I realized that one of my fears was that Rider would start dating someone who was not OK with poly, and that person would try to be a "cowgirl" or start drama. This was actually pretty easily solved by his agreeing to be up front about being poly and about my existence.

I still wasn't 100% fear-free after that, but I was a LOT better. Maybe 85% better. So then it was time to dive into why it WASN'T 100%. What still bothered me? What was that remaining 15%?

And reading the article that woman wrote helped me to identify at least a large part of that fear: that even someone who may identify as poly (and has chosen that life for herself rather than being thrown into it or tempted into it by not knowing up front) could be so susceptible to envy that even when she is listing strategies for dealing with it, and even when she is capable of sometimes finding compersion, she still thinks stuff like the stuff I quoted from her.

And identifying that remaining fear helped me to identify what *I* need to work on in that arena, which is caring less about what goes on in other people's heads.

It's absolutely GREAT that you respect and enjoy real's connection to Lady, and that you are a living example of someone who does not harbor an unhealthy amount of envy or any malicious intent. It's fantastic to know that there are people like you in the world, and I hope to meet many of your ilk. But having you as a counterexample doesn't solve my problem, which is allowing how other people think (negative thoughts OR positive ones) to unduly influence my emotions.

It's not that I presume that everyone is going to make trouble. It's that I'm disproportionately terrified of the ones who might, if that makes sense. Fear is not always a rational thing. Even so, I don't intend to let that irrational fear rule me.

Identifying it, picking it apart, understanding it, and looking it in the face—these things give me the tools I need to find bravery. "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear," as Twain said. And I think that in order to master something, I need to fully understand it. Hence my blog posts where I dig super-deep into it every time I run across something that triggers it.

TL;DR: I think that what you request here is actually what I am aiming to accomplish, with these posts on fear as a tool toward that end.

Does that make sense?

 

[playfulgirl]

I check in on your blog on regular basis and I've read or skimmed most of it over time. I recognize that this is a thought exercise. What stood out (and has stood out) is not just the exploring of fear, but a sense that you are searching for evidence that supports your fear. I get that you are picking things to prod at to push past your fear, but I also wonder if this prodding is a way to simultaneously justify or strengthen the fear.

It's probably also that I get irked at always seeing this portrayal of the big baddie new 'secondary' partner who will upset all apple carts and be inherently evil and out to take away someone's partner. It's the same dehumanizing of the non coupled partner i see when people are unicorn hunting. Of course it's a trope for a reason I suppose. And after Claire, you have some battle wounds.

Anyways, you always provide good food for thought and it's very interesting to me to see how the other side processes.

 

[Reverie]

What stood out (and has stood out) is not just the exploring of fear, but a sense that you are searching for evidence that supports your fear. I get that you are picking things to prod at to push past your fear, but I also wonder if this prodding is a way to simultaneously justify or strengthen the fear.

Hmm. Well, I don't THINK so, but I'm willing to explore the idea. My instinct is that I certainly don't go out in search of the things that trigger it, but rather that I stop when something does and take the time to examine it. In this case, I read an essay that I bookmarked because I tend to bookmark and read much of what Kimchi suggests, and what was contained therein seemed to have bits that resonated with my fear places. I wasn't, say, googling "secondary envy" and looking for evidence.

My endgame here is, hopefully, to overcome the fear entirely by facing even the darkest parts of it—kind of a thing like "even if the worst of the worst is true, everything will still be OK" kind of attitude. Perhaps you could explain what you think the purpose might be for strengthening the fear? I'm not sure why anyone would have that as a motive, since fear is a pretty icky feeling, but I'm open to listening and seeing if it resonates.

It's probably also that I get irked at always seeing this portrayal of the big baddie new 'secondary' partner who will upset all apple carts and be inherently evil and out to take away someone's partner. It's the same dehumanizing of the non coupled partner i see when people are unicorn hunting. Of course it's a trope for a reason I suppose.

Well, I hope it didn't seem I think that everyone in that position will be bad or evil or out to take someone way. Because that's definitely not the case.

I'll have to think more on the "dehumanizing" thing. I've always taken that to mean treating them like an object (especially the in case of unicorn hunting), or not recognizing that they have a full range of human emotions. In this circumstance, I think that human emotions and foibles are the very things that I fear.

I *think* that the combination of not assuming everyone is a particular way plus recognizing that the thing that I fear is a known human tendency sometimes—and something I admit to having felt and acted on myself in the past—removes the dehumanization factor.

I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but, as I've said, fear is an often irrational thing, and "scary until proven not scary" is exactly the involuntary reaction I am trying to overcome.

And after Claire, you have some battle wounds.

This is very true. But the ironic thing here is that Claire was not an incoming secondary. She was the chronologically earlier partner—someone Rider had dated and actually lived with from 2007–2009, and then rekindled casually with a couple of months before I met him in 2013.

She suggested "let's just be poly" (in the form of DADT) to him when she wanted to keep dating him but he wanted to continue to consider himself single and see multiple people (she was one of three at the time). He knew literally nothing about poly other than "Oh, I get to have sex with whomever I want but don't have to stop having sex with you? Sounds like a good deal!"

But they had never discussed any kind of parameters other than she wanted to pretend everyone else didn't exist. When I started dating Rider 8 months into their new poly/casual thing, we were all total newbies, and neither Rider nor I knew until six months after I started dating him that she had assumed they would be primary and he'd just "fuck around"—their communication was that poor.

Rider had given me the impression—since it's what he also believed—that she was "secondarying" herself on purpose by only wanting to see him a couple of nights a week, refusing to attend "big" events if she knew other people he was involved with would be there, and keeping their communication at a superficial level. He definitely used to say stuff to me like, "she'd never want to see that much of me anyway" and "she's not really my GIRLFRIEND, exactly."

This left space for me to accidentally slide into a primary role—and he eventually started calling us "co-primaries" after discovering her earlier assumption and desires—even though I was the newer partner.

So, mostly, time-wise, it's actually been on the OTHER side of the equation that I've existed, in terms of being the newer partner, when there has been a solid V going on. And I knew my own intentions toward their relationship were nothing but positive and aboveboard when we started out, so I know that it's a place people can come from. I used to try to encourage him all the time to nourish their relationship and make her feel loved.

It was only after seven straight months of her being pretty terrible to me and showing only signs of getting worse, not better, that I no longer supported their relationship and discovered that I needed to walk away from the entire shebang in order to save my sanity. I wasn't surprised when Rider chose to come with me, but neither was I relying on that outcome.

But, yeah, I would never be as terrible to an incoming partner as Claire was to me when I showed up on the scene. I saw how it destroyed THEIR relationship, actually, that she was so unaccepting. There's no way I'd want to recreate that pattern. This is a large part of why I am super committed to rooting out all of the bad stuff. I don't think I am capable of behaving as badly as she did, but I'd really like to set the bar for myself quite a bit higher than that!

Anyways, you always provide good food for thought and it's very interesting to me to see how the other side processes.

Thank you! It is interesting for me, too, to read different viewpoints.

 

[Reverie]

Sam finally bought his plane tickets for real! And the best part is that he's coming to our city first after all, which means that we get to see him sooner—6/22! It also means that he'll be in town BEFORE my next period instead of during it—a boon if he wants sexy-times (and I hope he does).

Right now, Rider and I are both planning to take a day off to spend with him while he's here, but we haven't decided yet whether to take separate days or the same day. Each has pros and cons. I've left the final decision to Rider, since Sam wanted to leave it up to us. (Three mostly submissive people in one decision, LOL.)

Did I mention I am excited?!

Also exciting: today is also the three-year anniversary of my meeting Rider! We didn't start dating till 8 months later, but we became best friends in between. It has been the best, happiest, and most eventful three years of my entire life!

I put a mushy post about it up on Facebook, along with a picture of us from the night we met, in which I am the main focus but he's off in the background. The response it's gotten has been heartwarming—especially from people we've been involved with on some level. It's gotten positive responses from Kelly, Elise, Beckett, and even Rita, as well as some OKC people who I think started out looking for more but since have become just online friends. That makes me feel very poly-happy.

Speaking of poly, I had a conversation with Rider about my most recent topic thread here, which I'll now repost:

Rider:

I appreciate all the work you're doing on yourself during our hiatus. <3

I understand how it's tricky to trust me to make the call in a relationship with a theoretical secondary because there is a bit of a trust-fall in that situation for you, and there are things like NRE, so I understand how that can be nervous-making.

It was something that I faced with Beckett in part, just because I didn't know him well at all and was not sure of his long-term intentions. Really, I just have to trust you, and I do. Once I can make that leap, I stop worrying about the situation.

Not saying that it's easy, because it's not, but it's definitely possible. Certainly, it's easier to do when I know the person and have my own friendship with them (Moss or Jake, for example).

Me:

Even Beckett, I think, was more uncomfortable with the idea of causing you discomfort than anything. It was one of the justifications he gave when we broke up. I suppose it is not so tough to imagine that any girls you pick would be at least as decent as Beckett or Moss. Almost no one is as pure-hearted as Jake, lol.

Rider:

I'd love to meet a girl that is as pure-hearted as Jake. Actually...I think I'm about to marry her. <3

Back to what you wrote, there is an element of trust that comes in if you start dating a new person as a secondary. I have to trust that you will vet them for anything that would be toxic, and I trust that you will do that. Of course it helps if everyone is friends.

If you have a secondary, and I build a friendship with them outside of your relationship with them, they hopefully will understand that I'm a good guy and they wouldn't want to do shitty things that would potentially hurt me.

If Claire had been friends with you, it would have been a lot more difficult for her to have been as awful as she was. Hell, it probably would have been impossible, and that would have made the situation so much better throughout. It's a shame she didn't have the maturity for that.

Me:

I've wondered sometimes if that was WHY she didn't want to hang out.
It puts the lotion in the basket. LOL. You refrain from interacting with someone like a human and it allows you to consider only your own aims and feelings.

Rider:

I think that was a side-effect of what she was doing, but I think it was more that her particular lizardy feeling was knowing that I had another lover at all, and then probably feeling inadequate in comparison for a number of reasons. But, yeah. I think it happened that way regardless of her original intentions.

So during that conversation I was thinking...like, NONE of my outside partners has ever been even a skosh of an asshole to Rider. Not one. Not even a little bit. Even when, on the rare occasion, they have been slightly dickish to ME, they have always gone well out of their way to be kind and polite and friendly to him. They are more skittish about showing PDA around him, and I have to be the aggressor if I want affection. They talk openly to me about how he seems like such a nice guy and am I *sure* he's OK with everything?

But Rider's outside partners and interests have been hit or miss in terms of how they've reacted to me if we weren't BOTH dating them.

Claire was often downright hostile. Kelly was mostly friendly but occasionally would do weirdly catty/possessive things like make inside jokes in front of me to the point where I had no idea what they were talking about, or place herself between him and me so only she could get affection. That girl at the party was unspeakably rude. Rita is mostly friendly but doesn't really ever try to talk to me outside of "liking" things on Facebook.

So, like, I would say that Rita probably pretty closely approximates in relating to me how Beckett related to Rider—friendly, Facebook-interactive, but not reaching out to be real friends. But in the rest of the cases, where does the weirdness come from?

I considered several possibilities:

1. There is something that I am DOING that is inspiring the weirdness in the girls, since I am a common denominator.
2. There is something else about me—that is not something that I doing, per se, but is just the way that I am—that is inspiring the weirdness in the girls.
3. Rider has just happened to pick a lot of girls that are going to be weird to me, due to something in them that both causes their attractiveness and their weirdness.
4. It is something that Rider is doing that makes these girls get weird to me.
5. Girls are just weirder about this stuff in general than guys are.
6. Totally random coincidence and it's not anything that Rider nor I are doing.

I mostly think it's not #1, because I tried REALLY hard to be nice to Claire, and I was nothing but friendly to the girl at the party. But #1 is the only one I can control. I guess the only way to find out is to just pay attention when we lift the hiatus, and control for #1 by being super nice still.

I guess the next step is to think of how is the best way to be nice—what would I have liked Claire to have done that she didn't do when I was the incoming partner?—and explore that here.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

So during that conversation I was thinking...like, NONE of my outside partners has ever been even a skosh of an asshole to Rider. Not one. Not even a little bit. Even when, on the rare occasion, they have been slightly dickish to ME, they have always gone well out of their way to be kind and polite and friendly to him. They are more skittish about showing PDA around him, and I have to be the aggressor if I want affection. They talk openly to me about how he seems like such a nice guy and am I *sure* he's OK with everything?

Same here. Every guy I've dated, even briefly, has been nothing but considerate and friendly to Andy. A few have been borderline kiss-ass, which annoyed both me and Andy but none have been at all territorial or competitive.

5. Girls are just weirder about this stuff in general than guys are.

I think this is a big part of it. And that makes me kinda sad.

I have a good relationship with Steph, and with Anna, but most of the girls Andy has been interested in have demonstrated some kind of hostility or competitiveness, enough to make him say "not worth the drama" and move on. Anecdotal evidence, obviously, but it is something I've talked about with two girlfriends who are/were in open relationships. We all felt that our "others" (both men and women, in the case of my friends who are bi) were chill and friendly, but the women our guys crushed on were frequently snarky and snobby to us.

How about 7. Girls are better than guys at choosing cool partners

 

[Reverie]

I think this is a big part of it. And that makes me kinda sad.

I have a good relationship with Steph, and with Anna, but most of the girls Andy has been interested in have demonstrated some kind of hostility or competitiveness, enough to make him say "not worth the drama" and move on. Anecdotal evidence, obviously, but it is something I've talked about with two girlfriends who are/were in open relationships. We all felt that our "others" (both men and women, in the case of my friends who are bi) were chill and friendly, but the women our guys crushed on were frequently snarky and snobby to us.

It's good to know that it isn't just me! That's one of the many, many reasons that I'm thankful for the community here: I don't really know poly people IRL and there's this feeling of wondering whether what I'm experiencing is "normal" or some by-product of something weird I'm doing. I think the only way to find out is to talk about it here and see what people say!

How about 7. Girls are better than guys at choosing cool partners

I thought of that one too, actually, after I posted it. Rider and I had a conversation Tuesday about how I've seen about four or five attractive new people since I've been here in Magnet City. And he said he sees four or five new attractive people every time he is going to or from work. Some of those people are bound to be uncool, LOL.

I think the very nature of how selectively aesthetically attracted I am, PLUS the fact that that aesthetic attraction really only turns into true sexual attraction once I've gotten to know someone a bit, really cuts down the probability of stumbling into dating a douche.

 

[Reverie]

We've officially canceled the hiatus, and nearly 3 months ahead of schedule. I shared with Rider my recent post, and GFT's response, and we got to talking.

Rider:

Interesting take. Seems like it's not just limited to your experience. I can say this: in a lot of previous situations, my needs weren't really being met by one partner, so I would seek out other things to fill in the gaps. With you, my needs are way exceeded. As such, I don't feel the pull to seek out a secondary almost at all.

If there was a super cool girl who came along that fit the bill and got along great with you, I might consider dating her, but it's not high priority stuff for me if that makes sense.

Me:

That does make sense. I'm not stressing out or anything. Just making sure all the dark corners are inspected before we cancel the hiatus.

Rider:

Sure. I'd be pretty happy having my time with you and occasionally hooking up with someone for sake of variety, maybe in a threesome or limited encounter. Or the occasional visitor, like Allie. If my needs were to change or something, I would let you know, but right now, I feel very satisfied.

Me:

I understand. I want you to have as much freedom as possible, even if you aren't looking for anything specific at the moment. Trying to problem-solve my way out of being bothered at all. Problem I'm working on right now is "why are so many girls jerks and how to control for it affecting me if they are."

Rider:

I think it's just a thing that we have to sort through case by case.

Me:

Yeah. Probably the best way is just to bring someone around as a friend to see how chill they are before getting too excited about them as a prospect.

Rider:

That seems like a good strategy.

Me:

Like, be up front about poly, so they know that there's a chance that there could maybe be more if they are a good friend-fit first, but that "friend" is all for now. Which is kind of a good life strategy anyway; who wants to date people they can't even be friends with outside of that? I think I'm much more comfortable with the idea of friend -> friend with benefits -> maybe more if they handle that part well. And I'm not talking about just for you—for myself, too!

I've kinda sworn off "dating," hiatus or no. But if I meet someone I happen to find attractive, and they are willing to be my friend and hang out with us both, they may earn sex with me over time.

Rider:

That is a good way of thinking about it. If we work that model, it would probably be a lot less chaotic.

Me:

I think that in this third year of being poly together, and with having taken this hiatus, I am really learning a lot about what will or won't work for me.

I think the "anything goes" free-for-all model and the "stifled by a million rules" model are both asking for drama and trouble, and instead, this common-sense "be super up-front, take things slow, be friends" model is going to be the winner.

I also think that there is room in there for one-night stands that don't turn into anything, if being able to act on a sexual impulse in the moment is important.
Wait a minute. This deserves a flow chart.

I call this "the process of humaning for kitchen-table poly robots."

Rider:

I was thinking of poly dating as being a spectrum, almost like a political spectrum, but as it relates to potential rules and restrictions. Like, far-left would be a free for all, and far right would be veto power. OPP would be center-right, I guess.

Me:

I think that the process we're discussing actually removes 99% of any possible "rules"...Because the main rule is just "don't have sex with jerks" with the implying sub-rule of "make sure someone is not a jerk if you're going to have sex with them more than once."

Rider:

Sure. It's the "don't be a dick" golden rule. But explained to all probable outcomes.

Me:

And it leaves room for those "in the moment" missed opportunity things...
Like, you don't have to NOT have sex with someone if they're not poly or poly-friendly, you just have to know that they don't fit your life and don't KEEP having sex with them.

Rider:

Right. Which is fine because they wouldn't fit it anyway. Just be honest with them, get your kicks, and move on.

Me:

And if you like someone further than friendship, and they purport to be poly-friendly and cool with you already having a partner, hanging out in a group setting with no sex already having happened will hopefully shake out their true colors after a little while.

And if you have sex with them and THEN they start being a dick, well, then they thought they might be poly-friendly and cool with you having a partner, but NOPE, they're either not, or they're a jerk, so again, move on.

Rider:

Yeah, good call. I feel like there will be cases where it will take a bit of time to shake out someone's true colors. Once you know, though, you know.

Me:

I like this. This makes me comfortable with doing away with the hiatus.

Rider:

That's good news. <3

Me:

I feel like if something like this had been there from the outset, things with Kelly would have gone a lot differently.

Similarly, I feel a lot better about Rita if I know that we're all going to chill together and see how she reacts to us before you try to get flirtatious in more than a verbal way. Like, friends-first.

Rider:

Makes sense. If we go to visit Sam in Nov, we'll probably get to hang out with her, since she lives nearby. My guess is that she'll not be a jerk.

Me:

Probably not. I like the idea of being willing to play the long game.

And I know that if you meet someone out, you'll slip it in that they're poly and see if they just want to come to our hood and chill sometime as friend. Or we could come to theirs or whatever.

Rider:

Yep. If I meet somebody out, I'll let em know that you're a thing and that I'm poly.

Me:

As an aside and mostly off-topic, I didn't think we were going to visit Sam in Nov. I figured we were going to stay in Former City and maximize number of humans. And that probably Sam would come to see us there. Not sure about a 6-hour round-trip drive in that time span?

But if it's an important part of your planned itinerary, we'll figure something out.

Rider:

Dunno. I figured maybe it could be in the circuit somewhere, but hadn't actually considered the logistics of it. Would be fun, but it's not the end of the world if we don't make it out there. I won't be pouty.

Me:

The thing I like about the friend approach is that it's low-pressure. There's no deadline to decide whether Person X meant Y when they said or did Z. There's more time to gather data points and see how we all interact.

Trying to see if someone jibes with our vibe, squished into a couple of days...is going to be super counter-productive. Because being under stress and pressure is gonna make MY vibe weird. Look at how much more logical and relaxed I've managed to be on the hiatus without the pressure of "this could happen at any time!"

Rider:

Definitely.

Me:

I kind of prefer, like, hang out, no pressure, think about it for a while, dissect anything I might have felt weird about, and process—without there being some expectation of another person's hopes being up and their feelings hanging in the balance. And then if everyone is cool and likes each other, we can be like "hey there was a couple of days of hangout and we made friends and no one was a jerk, next time you/I can just do whatever we want."

I remember trying to fit the Kelly thing into our NYE visit to Sam that year, and I just about lost my mind at the pressure of having to be OK right on the spot, with nowhere to escape to. I think it's probably similar to how you feel when you think you need to "fix" something that you can't fix.

Rider:

Yeah, that stress is awful. Makes me crazy.

Me:

I think I can be cool with you being with just about anyone as long as they're nice to me, I get to know them a little, and I'm not under PRESSURE to feel cool if I don't actually feel cool—pressure because there's someone waiting in the wings EXPECTING to be made something more than a friend, rather than it just being an "it happens if it happens" thing. Does that make sense?

Rider:

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Me:

If, say, Rita were to come visit us as friends and hang out with us for a week or something, and we had a few days of straight group hangout, no inching toward sexy stuff, and everything went well, I could see myself being willing to, like, go hang out at Oona's for a few hours in the evening one night, just to give you guys that space to see what unfolds.

But if there was some great anticipation and build up with an expectation— lots of "any minute now" fiery gazes and the whatnot—I would feel weird, like an obstacle, or like something you couldn't wait to be free of. Which is how I felt with Kelly sometimes.

Rider:

That'd be cool. I doubt she'd be able to get away for a week, but you never know. Maybe sometime down the line.

Me:

Anyway, I feel really good about everything now that we've figured all that stuff out. I'm sure there will be lizardy moments on everyone's part once in a while, but simply knowing that nothing is going to get sprung on me out of the blue and that we have a policy against vetting jerks out really does away with all my generalized anxiety.

And regular lizardy moments are easily gotten through with the Buddhist stuff I've been reading. No more hiatus. Only flowchart. I love you.

Rider:

Yay! I love you too. We're a bit ahead of schedule.

(continued...)