playfulgirl
Member
Totally adorable. I have a little vicarious lust lol. Hope you have a great time with your boys and your polycule time. You deserve the fun!
The Best Life Yet
- Thread starter Reverie
- Start date
Reverie
Active member
Things are good. It's Sam's last day in our city before he flies to see his brother. Two days later, Rider and I are also flying up to meet him.
We had a super-fun and adventurous weekend. Saturday we peacefully played music in the front yard, then got cheap sushi, and then Oona and Toby came over to hang out. We went out and got some drinks then returned to the house to chill. It was fun introducing Sam and Oona. Oona and Toby went home after a while, and it was pretty late, so I went to bed with Rider and FINALLY had some (quiet but) amazing sex.
Sunday, I woke up and scuttled into bed with Sam for some early-morning cuddles. Soon Rider joined and spooned me from behind, while I was spooning Sam. It was like a love sandwich!
We picked up the rental car and headed out for diner breakfast, then went out into nature. I adore being in nature, and even more so when I am with my guys. We hiked around for a few hours and contemplated splashing around in a creek. I ultimately decided it was too late in the day and not hot enough for splashing—I get cold super easily—but we still had a good time sitting next to the creek and drinking beer. I took some great pictures as well. After our hike, we got tacos and then went to a fancy tiki bar for a pricey-but-delicious drink, then went home...where I promptly passed out in the boys' laps as they watched Mad Max. I have a hard time staying interested in action movies.
I woke up when it was time for everyone to go to bed, and I offered to Sam to stay with him and have some sexy fun times, but he said he was too tired, so I went to bed with Rider instead.
I was a bit worried for my connection with Sam. Since he'd arrived, he'd been slightly less affectionate with me, and even jumpy when I tried to touch him sometimes. Given that he'd been MORE demonstrative over IM before his visit, I had been expecting it to be the opposite. I began to worry that he wasn't that into me anymore but was too shy to express it. I felt sad when I went to sleep that night, and I turned down sex with Rider because I was too in my head. I resolved to try again with Sam in the morning, and to get a straight answer out of him.
Monday morning—Sam's birthday—Rider and I arranged for Rider to stay in the bedroom so I could get some time alone with Sam. I told Rider I felt weird about "trapping" him there, but he didn't mind.
I crept into bed with Sam and started touching him. He was lying perfectly still even though I knew he was awake. I petted him all over, finally making it to his cock, which was indeed responding to my petting. But he was still lying completely still—no sound, no petting me back, nothing. I finally asked him point blank: "Am I, like, raping you right now, or are you OK?"
And he said he was OK.
"So you want me to stop or keep going?" I asked, forcing him to say it, needing that assent—that CONSENT—before I felt wanted. And he told me to keep going. So we did, for a while. He got a little more instructive and verbal with me than he usually does, so I learned some things about him sexually. I still didn't manage to get him off, which is super rare to do, but I tried for a really long time. And I was soooo turned on. Ugh, he is so sexy to me—touching him drives me wild. Finally we gave up and cuddled a bit and he got up to get a shower while I put some coffee on and told Rider the coast was clear.
I felt a lot better after that. I should know it by now, after two freaking years, but I guess he really just is THAT shy...except when he's drunk. He's super demonstrative and sexual and affectionate when he's drunk. Maybe I need to get him liquored up tonight, LOL. His inhibitions are just beyond what I'm used to from any guy, ever. It's mostly the shyness, for sure, but also probably partially that he does still think of me as "Rider's" and therefore forces me to make the first (and most of the subsequent) move(s).
After we had our romp and cuddle, he was much more responsive to my various touches throughout the day—more hanging out next to me, less flinching away if I put a hand on his side, actually moving his fingers when mine touched his (as though in a silent finger-greeting). So things are still good.
But I dunno...he's such a strange ranger. So quiet, so shy, so perceptive even while being so inwardly focused, so lonely and so unused to love and touch... I've tried asking Rider about how Sam has been with other girls, historically, and he really didn't have much info. I guess talking about girls is not something they've done a lot of in their decades-long friendship, and it's also pretty rare, according to Rider, that Sam even have any kind of relationship at all for the past, oh, five years or so. I guess I will just continue to put love on him until he wants me to stop.
Anyway, after some coffee, the three of us went down to the beach and got Chinese food and then wandered around. It was a lot of fun. We met up with a friend of Rider's and another friend of mine, and we hung out drinking and chatting. Well. The boys did the drinking. I was the DD that day, so I limited myself considerably. But it was fun!
I was keeping an eye on the time because we'd agreed to have a partial band practice that night. We had to split about an hour before sunset. Rider was very drunk! I'd tried to warn him that the time to leave was drawing near, and he responded by ordering another round and slamming it right away. Silly Rider. He was being so funny on the drive home.
Band practice went well. Sam was impressed with our new songs. He also got to meet Perry, and to see Rebecca for the first time in a long while. After practice we just went home and I had a glass of wine and sat talking to the boys a bit before going to bed. I was too tired to be interested in sex.
Because we were rushing around last night, I never did get to make Sam's cake. I still have to get the ingredients. Sam has prevailed upon us to do happy hour once more tonight to make the most of his last night in town, and then I will buy ingredients and make dinner and the cake. Unless the boys insist on eating nachos for dinner, in which case it will just be the cake.
Rider and I have joked that we need to ply Sam with alcohol so that he gets more affectionately aggressive with me. It's only half a joke. Truthfully, I do hope I have one more session of naked-times with him before he leaves. I don't know whether it'll happen or not, but I hope so.
We had a super-fun and adventurous weekend. Saturday we peacefully played music in the front yard, then got cheap sushi, and then Oona and Toby came over to hang out. We went out and got some drinks then returned to the house to chill. It was fun introducing Sam and Oona. Oona and Toby went home after a while, and it was pretty late, so I went to bed with Rider and FINALLY had some (quiet but) amazing sex.
Sunday, I woke up and scuttled into bed with Sam for some early-morning cuddles. Soon Rider joined and spooned me from behind, while I was spooning Sam. It was like a love sandwich!
We picked up the rental car and headed out for diner breakfast, then went out into nature. I adore being in nature, and even more so when I am with my guys. We hiked around for a few hours and contemplated splashing around in a creek. I ultimately decided it was too late in the day and not hot enough for splashing—I get cold super easily—but we still had a good time sitting next to the creek and drinking beer. I took some great pictures as well. After our hike, we got tacos and then went to a fancy tiki bar for a pricey-but-delicious drink, then went home...where I promptly passed out in the boys' laps as they watched Mad Max. I have a hard time staying interested in action movies.
I woke up when it was time for everyone to go to bed, and I offered to Sam to stay with him and have some sexy fun times, but he said he was too tired, so I went to bed with Rider instead.
I was a bit worried for my connection with Sam. Since he'd arrived, he'd been slightly less affectionate with me, and even jumpy when I tried to touch him sometimes. Given that he'd been MORE demonstrative over IM before his visit, I had been expecting it to be the opposite. I began to worry that he wasn't that into me anymore but was too shy to express it. I felt sad when I went to sleep that night, and I turned down sex with Rider because I was too in my head. I resolved to try again with Sam in the morning, and to get a straight answer out of him.
Monday morning—Sam's birthday—Rider and I arranged for Rider to stay in the bedroom so I could get some time alone with Sam. I told Rider I felt weird about "trapping" him there, but he didn't mind.
I crept into bed with Sam and started touching him. He was lying perfectly still even though I knew he was awake. I petted him all over, finally making it to his cock, which was indeed responding to my petting. But he was still lying completely still—no sound, no petting me back, nothing. I finally asked him point blank: "Am I, like, raping you right now, or are you OK?"
And he said he was OK.
"So you want me to stop or keep going?" I asked, forcing him to say it, needing that assent—that CONSENT—before I felt wanted. And he told me to keep going. So we did, for a while. He got a little more instructive and verbal with me than he usually does, so I learned some things about him sexually. I still didn't manage to get him off, which is super rare to do, but I tried for a really long time. And I was soooo turned on. Ugh, he is so sexy to me—touching him drives me wild. Finally we gave up and cuddled a bit and he got up to get a shower while I put some coffee on and told Rider the coast was clear.
I felt a lot better after that. I should know it by now, after two freaking years, but I guess he really just is THAT shy...except when he's drunk. He's super demonstrative and sexual and affectionate when he's drunk. Maybe I need to get him liquored up tonight, LOL. His inhibitions are just beyond what I'm used to from any guy, ever. It's mostly the shyness, for sure, but also probably partially that he does still think of me as "Rider's" and therefore forces me to make the first (and most of the subsequent) move(s).
After we had our romp and cuddle, he was much more responsive to my various touches throughout the day—more hanging out next to me, less flinching away if I put a hand on his side, actually moving his fingers when mine touched his (as though in a silent finger-greeting). So things are still good.
But I dunno...he's such a strange ranger. So quiet, so shy, so perceptive even while being so inwardly focused, so lonely and so unused to love and touch... I've tried asking Rider about how Sam has been with other girls, historically, and he really didn't have much info. I guess talking about girls is not something they've done a lot of in their decades-long friendship, and it's also pretty rare, according to Rider, that Sam even have any kind of relationship at all for the past, oh, five years or so. I guess I will just continue to put love on him until he wants me to stop.
Anyway, after some coffee, the three of us went down to the beach and got Chinese food and then wandered around. It was a lot of fun. We met up with a friend of Rider's and another friend of mine, and we hung out drinking and chatting. Well. The boys did the drinking. I was the DD that day, so I limited myself considerably. But it was fun!
I was keeping an eye on the time because we'd agreed to have a partial band practice that night. We had to split about an hour before sunset. Rider was very drunk! I'd tried to warn him that the time to leave was drawing near, and he responded by ordering another round and slamming it right away. Silly Rider. He was being so funny on the drive home.
Band practice went well. Sam was impressed with our new songs. He also got to meet Perry, and to see Rebecca for the first time in a long while. After practice we just went home and I had a glass of wine and sat talking to the boys a bit before going to bed. I was too tired to be interested in sex.
Because we were rushing around last night, I never did get to make Sam's cake. I still have to get the ingredients. Sam has prevailed upon us to do happy hour once more tonight to make the most of his last night in town, and then I will buy ingredients and make dinner and the cake. Unless the boys insist on eating nachos for dinner, in which case it will just be the cake.
Rider and I have joked that we need to ply Sam with alcohol so that he gets more affectionately aggressive with me. It's only half a joke. Truthfully, I do hope I have one more session of naked-times with him before he leaves. I don't know whether it'll happen or not, but I hope so.
Reverie
Active member
Well, the additional Sam-sex didn't happen, but I did get lots of good cuddles and slept next to him for most of the night, which, for me, is nearly as good. And he even held my hand and kissed me in public on the way home from happy hour. Eeee! I am still holding out a small hope that we'll be able to sneak away at some point while we're all staying at his brother's place this weekend.
We had happy-hour margaritas, and then I made a delicious gluten-free belated birthday meal: brown rice spaghetti with a red sauce full of all kinds of vegetables and tempeh "meatballs." And then a gluten-free dark-chocolate cake with honey instead of sugar, and coconut (milk and oil):
Is food a love language?
Rider actually said he liked the brown rice pasta better than the regular pasta, so I'll be buying that from now on. I know he's not huge on the whole-wheat kind I usually buy, but I can never bring myself to purchase refined stuff. For all my bad habits, I do try to mostly only bring whole grains and vegetables into the house.
Sam thought his flight was at noon today for some reason (probably that he's really bad with times and numbers) but it's actually not until 9:45 p.m., so we get to see him briefly before he goes. I am going to rush home from work and meet the boys for nachos and give him another kiss goodbye!
ETA: Holy crap that picture is huge! LOL
We had happy-hour margaritas, and then I made a delicious gluten-free belated birthday meal: brown rice spaghetti with a red sauce full of all kinds of vegetables and tempeh "meatballs." And then a gluten-free dark-chocolate cake with honey instead of sugar, and coconut (milk and oil):
Is food a love language?
Rider actually said he liked the brown rice pasta better than the regular pasta, so I'll be buying that from now on. I know he's not huge on the whole-wheat kind I usually buy, but I can never bring myself to purchase refined stuff. For all my bad habits, I do try to mostly only bring whole grains and vegetables into the house.Sam thought his flight was at noon today for some reason (probably that he's really bad with times and numbers) but it's actually not until 9:45 p.m., so we get to see him briefly before he goes. I am going to rush home from work and meet the boys for nachos and give him another kiss goodbye!
ETA: Holy crap that picture is huge! LOL
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Yummy!!!
The cake and the boys
The cake and the boys
Reverie
Active member
I just have to stop and squee for a moment about how much I love Rider. I am just bursting at the seams with love for him. He's so sweet about me and Sam, and it's so much fun planning the specifics of our trip with him, and he's so smart and funny and talented and...PERFECT!
The world needs a lot more people like him. Of course, then I'd probably over-polysaturate myself trying to date them all.
The world needs a lot more people like him. Of course, then I'd probably over-polysaturate myself trying to date them all.
Reverie
Active member
We said goodbye to Sam until Friday night. There were nachos eaten, hugs given, and good conversation. I love those guys.
After Sam left, Rider and I were having a conversation, and I was saying how eventually I hope to fully understand Sam. Rider said every girl who has ever been with him has said the same thing.
A few nights ago, Rider and Sam had been talking about Sam's longest relationship, around the turn of the millennium, with a girl named Jenny. Sam wondered aloud what had ever happened to Jenny, and Rider and I were both like, "What, you don't stalk people on the internet?"
Rider looked her up on Facebook in short order and sent her a friend request, figuring that since he has a super unusual spelling of his name, she might remember him from back in the day. And then we forgot about it for a while.
But tonight, when Rider brought up the topic of girls that Sam has dated, Rider said, "If Jenny is still local, she'd be someone good to hang out with. You two could compare notes about Sam, and it might help you figure out what makes him tick. After all, she dated him longer than anyone."
I had a hard time explaining why I felt that would be a betrayal of Sam. I'm always so protective of him—I have been since we started hooking up. There's something about him that makes me go "Don't. Fuck. With. Him." to everyone that I feel might be operating outside of his best interest: anyone who might steamroll over his interests because he is quiet and won't always speak up for himself, etc. And I know Rider loves him and would never hurt him on purpose. But I..."sense" might be the best word for it...that if I were talking to an ex of Sam's about Sam, that would make him uncomfortable and be a serious betrayal of his boundaries, even if he hasn't explicitly stated such.
I did manage to explain it, after some thought. Rider, I think, understood my viewpoint. But he seemed to think it was kind of silly. Rider is an open book. I am an open book. But Sam is different. He's guarded. He takes a long time to open up and to trust. His trust is easily shaken. And I always want to be his teammate in protecting whatever trust level he has with whomever. My relationship with Sam may have had its path paved by my relationship with Rider, but it is its own entity—we are teammates in our own right. I am on his side, and I do prefer to operate within the space of his boundaries, as far as I can understand them (hence my insistence on active consent sexually a couple of days ago).
The thing about Sam is...he isn't like most people. He's one of the "weirdest" people I've ever met. But that isn't a criticism. I tend to like weird.
We cross our communication a lot because I feel like he is most fluent in nonverbal communication, and those are the things that my kinda-Aspie self tends to miss. I'm a word-nerd and hyperverbal. I sometime have trouble catching things that aren't spelled out for me, in terms of humaning things.
Once in a while, I catch Sam's wave naturally, or he catches mine...or we're both wide-open on psychedelics and catch each other's. But for the most part, we are pretty mysterious to each other, I think—benign and loving, but mysterious, all the same. He's a river that runs deep and silently, and I am a skittering rowboat on the surface, occasionally able to understand the current, but fully aware that I'll never change it. I'm along for his ride, not because he's dominant (very far from true) but because I tend to purposefully withhold attempting to exert influence when I don't understand something, and I understand him very little.
So, yeah. It's endlessly complicated with him. And that's OK. I know that he loves me, somewhere inside those underground river-caverns. And I know that I love him, and it's all over my sleeve. In two weeks, it'll be two years, and I'm OK with two years being nowhere near knowing enough. If it's a love that unfolds over decades rather than months or years, I'm cool with that.
The other weird thing on the poly front is that tonight Rider told me that Rita had told him she's attracted to me. Well, to all three of us, actually. But at some point called me out specifically.
I am...skeptical? I believe there's a difference between aesthetic appreciation and "attraction." I believe that attraction is, to a large degree, chemical. That chemistry can override attraction one way or the other: it can make you lust over someone your eyes didn't immediately identify as pretty, and it can make you feel all "meh" and confused when you kiss someone you think is pretty, but you feel no spark. I don't think you can even know whether you're attracted, in my sense of understanding it, to someone you've never even met.
Also, I suspect that if Rita were really interested in me, she'd be messaging and flirting with ME some, too. She and I messaged briefly, but she ghosted and it fizzled. I am totally open to being proven wrong someday (as I also find her aesthetically pleasing), but currently, I am suspicious that she may view a statement of attraction to all three members of our V as an "in" to getting to the boys, whom she HAS met IRL and DOES have long-standing crushes on.
I'm not saying I'm ruling stuff out, necessarily, but I am saying that her words to Rider about her interest in me are not matching up super-well to her actions. Rider says everyone experiences everything differently and not to assume just based on extrapolating from my past experiences. So I'm not. At least, I'm trying not to. As I so often say, we shall see!
After Sam left, Rider and I were having a conversation, and I was saying how eventually I hope to fully understand Sam. Rider said every girl who has ever been with him has said the same thing.
A few nights ago, Rider and Sam had been talking about Sam's longest relationship, around the turn of the millennium, with a girl named Jenny. Sam wondered aloud what had ever happened to Jenny, and Rider and I were both like, "What, you don't stalk people on the internet?"
Rider looked her up on Facebook in short order and sent her a friend request, figuring that since he has a super unusual spelling of his name, she might remember him from back in the day. And then we forgot about it for a while.
But tonight, when Rider brought up the topic of girls that Sam has dated, Rider said, "If Jenny is still local, she'd be someone good to hang out with. You two could compare notes about Sam, and it might help you figure out what makes him tick. After all, she dated him longer than anyone."
I had a hard time explaining why I felt that would be a betrayal of Sam. I'm always so protective of him—I have been since we started hooking up. There's something about him that makes me go "Don't. Fuck. With. Him." to everyone that I feel might be operating outside of his best interest: anyone who might steamroll over his interests because he is quiet and won't always speak up for himself, etc. And I know Rider loves him and would never hurt him on purpose. But I..."sense" might be the best word for it...that if I were talking to an ex of Sam's about Sam, that would make him uncomfortable and be a serious betrayal of his boundaries, even if he hasn't explicitly stated such.
I did manage to explain it, after some thought. Rider, I think, understood my viewpoint. But he seemed to think it was kind of silly. Rider is an open book. I am an open book. But Sam is different. He's guarded. He takes a long time to open up and to trust. His trust is easily shaken. And I always want to be his teammate in protecting whatever trust level he has with whomever. My relationship with Sam may have had its path paved by my relationship with Rider, but it is its own entity—we are teammates in our own right. I am on his side, and I do prefer to operate within the space of his boundaries, as far as I can understand them (hence my insistence on active consent sexually a couple of days ago).
The thing about Sam is...he isn't like most people. He's one of the "weirdest" people I've ever met. But that isn't a criticism. I tend to like weird.
We cross our communication a lot because I feel like he is most fluent in nonverbal communication, and those are the things that my kinda-Aspie self tends to miss. I'm a word-nerd and hyperverbal. I sometime have trouble catching things that aren't spelled out for me, in terms of humaning things.
Once in a while, I catch Sam's wave naturally, or he catches mine...or we're both wide-open on psychedelics and catch each other's. But for the most part, we are pretty mysterious to each other, I think—benign and loving, but mysterious, all the same. He's a river that runs deep and silently, and I am a skittering rowboat on the surface, occasionally able to understand the current, but fully aware that I'll never change it. I'm along for his ride, not because he's dominant (very far from true) but because I tend to purposefully withhold attempting to exert influence when I don't understand something, and I understand him very little.
So, yeah. It's endlessly complicated with him. And that's OK. I know that he loves me, somewhere inside those underground river-caverns. And I know that I love him, and it's all over my sleeve. In two weeks, it'll be two years, and I'm OK with two years being nowhere near knowing enough. If it's a love that unfolds over decades rather than months or years, I'm cool with that.
The other weird thing on the poly front is that tonight Rider told me that Rita had told him she's attracted to me. Well, to all three of us, actually. But at some point called me out specifically.
I am...skeptical? I believe there's a difference between aesthetic appreciation and "attraction." I believe that attraction is, to a large degree, chemical. That chemistry can override attraction one way or the other: it can make you lust over someone your eyes didn't immediately identify as pretty, and it can make you feel all "meh" and confused when you kiss someone you think is pretty, but you feel no spark. I don't think you can even know whether you're attracted, in my sense of understanding it, to someone you've never even met.
Also, I suspect that if Rita were really interested in me, she'd be messaging and flirting with ME some, too. She and I messaged briefly, but she ghosted and it fizzled. I am totally open to being proven wrong someday (as I also find her aesthetically pleasing), but currently, I am suspicious that she may view a statement of attraction to all three members of our V as an "in" to getting to the boys, whom she HAS met IRL and DOES have long-standing crushes on.
I'm not saying I'm ruling stuff out, necessarily, but I am saying that her words to Rider about her interest in me are not matching up super-well to her actions. Rider says everyone experiences everything differently and not to assume just based on extrapolating from my past experiences. So I'm not. At least, I'm trying not to. As I so often say, we shall see!
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playfulgirl
Member
I find that when girls interested in my men voice and dont act on an interest in me, it's either a) They have never really explored an actual same sex relationship and are insecure about navigating it or b) just voicing the common fantasy to inject some excitement in the shared partner. If a) I try to be patient as many more straight folks folks have issues with bisexuality when it means something more than a casual sex thing or if b) simply shrug off the whole thing and take it as a compliment. In my experience b is the most often. And hey I like knowing I could lend aid to fantasy.
Reverie
Active member
Yeah, I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it's not a huge deal. If there is any kind of bridge, I will cross it when I arrive at it.
Also, Oona reminded me that I have a history of discerning finer shades of meaning in particular words than many people do—I have been known to be a bit aggressive about splitting hairs with people about word choice—so the first bit about the meaning of "attraction" may be just me being overkill in that arena. I'll own that. I know that I do it.
I still stand by the "actions not matching words" thing, but, yeah, maybe it's one of the things you mentioned here. I really have no idea what else was going on in their conversation at the time, but it's more than possible she was just trying to be titillating.
Reverie
Active member
In a few hours, I board a plane to go meet everyone in a city I have been to only once before, when Oona used to live there. I am meeting Rider at the destination airport and then Sam's brother is going to pick us up in a rental car because someone hit his car while he was on his way to pick up Sam Wednesday night. He's OK, though.
Oona and Toby were flying standby and got stuck in their connecting city, so they decided that instead of waiting six hours for the next flight that they might or might not have made it on, they would rent a car and DRIVE the 10-hour drive from the connecting city: a true adventure, and through an area with legendary scenery. I'm almost envious!
I finally get to meet Sam's sister-in-law. She's been my online friend for over a year and seems super sweet and like we will get along really well. I'm looking forward to that.
I also finally get to meet Oona's other really close female friend, whom she met after I moved away from here, but who moved away herself a few years later so I never got to meet her on visits. She now lives about a three-hour drive from the city we'll be visiting, so she's going to drive down with her guy to hang out.
It's going to be an enormous rotating cast of friends: me, Rider, Sam, Sam's brother and sister-in-law, Rider and Sam's other college roommate and his wife, Oona, Toby, Oona's two sisters and their partners, Oona's other good friend and her partner, and an additional friend of Oona's whom I met the last time I was in that city and really liked.
Basically, it's going to be my partners and best friends AND all THEIR partners and best friends! I imagine this is what people with a huge extended polyfamily must feel like—though almost everyone in that group is mono except us.
There is talk of going out drinking tonight, but it is still up in the air. I might be quite tired after staying up late last night getting chores and packing done, then working, then flying.
But tomorrow we're definitely pulling a posse together to go to a (surprisingly cheap) music festival for a little while. And then checking out some historic stuff. And then we have a hike planned on Sunday with Rider's end of the group. Scattered throughout, we have meals planned at various vegetarian restaurants, and I have promised Sam's sister-in-law that I will make my delicious guacamole.
Four days left to cuddle Sam before Rider and I fly home again. Sam will stay on at his brother's for a couple more weeks then return to his own home. Things will go back to being sporadic online communication. At least until Sam decides to come out here to stay, or until Rider and I go back to visit Florida the week of Thanksgiving. Five more months. Better than six was, I guess.
Oona and Toby were flying standby and got stuck in their connecting city, so they decided that instead of waiting six hours for the next flight that they might or might not have made it on, they would rent a car and DRIVE the 10-hour drive from the connecting city: a true adventure, and through an area with legendary scenery. I'm almost envious!
I finally get to meet Sam's sister-in-law. She's been my online friend for over a year and seems super sweet and like we will get along really well. I'm looking forward to that.
I also finally get to meet Oona's other really close female friend, whom she met after I moved away from here, but who moved away herself a few years later so I never got to meet her on visits. She now lives about a three-hour drive from the city we'll be visiting, so she's going to drive down with her guy to hang out.
It's going to be an enormous rotating cast of friends: me, Rider, Sam, Sam's brother and sister-in-law, Rider and Sam's other college roommate and his wife, Oona, Toby, Oona's two sisters and their partners, Oona's other good friend and her partner, and an additional friend of Oona's whom I met the last time I was in that city and really liked.
Basically, it's going to be my partners and best friends AND all THEIR partners and best friends! I imagine this is what people with a huge extended polyfamily must feel like—though almost everyone in that group is mono except us.
There is talk of going out drinking tonight, but it is still up in the air. I might be quite tired after staying up late last night getting chores and packing done, then working, then flying.
But tomorrow we're definitely pulling a posse together to go to a (surprisingly cheap) music festival for a little while. And then checking out some historic stuff. And then we have a hike planned on Sunday with Rider's end of the group. Scattered throughout, we have meals planned at various vegetarian restaurants, and I have promised Sam's sister-in-law that I will make my delicious guacamole.
Four days left to cuddle Sam before Rider and I fly home again. Sam will stay on at his brother's for a couple more weeks then return to his own home. Things will go back to being sporadic online communication. At least until Sam decides to come out here to stay, or until Rider and I go back to visit Florida the week of Thanksgiving. Five more months. Better than six was, I guess.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Yay for "middle-love"! (This is my favorite way to wake up...especially if one of the boys whispers those magic words "Your coffee is ready."
)Is food a love language?
yes!
(When someone cares enough to prepare you bites of food that they know you will absolutely love - "Food IS love!" is a frequent phrase in our house.)
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Reverie
Active member
I would say that I don't know where to begin, but I feel like the only place is at the beginning, so you can be just as confused as I am at the ending...
We ended up getting in too late to go out on Friday. Both my plane and Rider’s were delayed and we weren’t even ready to leave the airport till after midnight. By that point, Sam and his brother had consumed too much beer to come pick us up in the rental car, so we got a cab. Sam gave me the biggest, longest hug when we got there, rocking me and genuinely surprising me. We're generally pretty "out" around his family, but it had been long enough that I wasn't sure whether we'd be starting from scratch. In that moment, I instantly felt "everything is going to be amazing."
We sat around all shooting the shit for a while. I met Sam’s sister-in-law. She wasn’t quite how I expected her to be, based on our interactions online, but she was very sweet and I liked her. Then we all went to our respective beds since it was getting super late and I was whupped from traveling for basically nine hours.
Saturday morning, we puttered about drinking coffee and such for a while. Then Sam, his brother, Rider, and I went to a coffee shop to get bagels for breakfast. By the time we got back, our other friends were at the house hanging with SIL, and we said our hellos and then all walked down to the train station to catch the train downtown. The plan was to split the group up and then regroup later. Rider, Sam, and I had tickets to a music festival where we were meeting up with Oona, Toby, and Oona's friends. The others would be hanging out around various spots downtown till we got sick of the sun and summoned them.
Everything was perfect.
I mean, the sun was really hot. And the music actually wasn't all that good. But the company was divine. Rider was carrying an adorable little parasol that SIL had lent him. Sam and I got serious giggles after he asked me to rub sunscreen all over his face and neck and ears and I was really challenged to make sure I got everywhere. Oona was obviously thrilled to have both her best friends and her partner in the same spot. Her friend and friend's partner were both super sweet and I liked them instantly. We snapped so many goofy selfies.
When Rider's ginger alert finally told us it was time to quit the sunshine, We skedaddled over to a shady spot and got in touch with the others. The plan was to rendezvous at a bar I'd visited with Oona last time I'd been in this city. We got there, and the good times rolled on. Oona and I had a grand laugh when her friend asked, "Wait, which one is her boyfriend?" when I went to the bathroom, and I caught the the tail end of her explanation.
When happy hour ran out, we got back on the train and went back to the apartment to regroup. Rider took a long nap. Sam and posse played video games. I cooked breakfast tacos for my loves, since we hadn't eaten when everyone else did.
The plan was to meet up with a different set of Oona's friends at a karaoke bar where her friend runs the event. We all made it out, even SIL who has health issues that often keep her home. I absolutely KILLED IT singing Joan Jett—I've recently discovered that somehow I can imitate her dead-on—and dueting with Rider on a Beck song. I also had sooooooo much fun with Sam. We'd taken some of the THC pills Sam had acquired (Rider and I having discovered that ingesting rather than smoking is the only way that makes us actually be able to enjoy it), and Rider, Sam, and I were all doing a cuddly "pile on hands stack" thing where Rider's hands were keeping Sam's and mine warm.
We were all so giddy and stupid-happy, and Sam kept putting his arm around me and kissing me and drawing on the backs of my fingers with a gel pen. And then Rider would cuddle me from the other side and kiss me...and I was in heaven. Totally floating on cloud nine. The fact that we were just...all loving...and out...and everything was fine...all of our best peeps were there, and there was just so much love and acceptance. I gazed into Sam's eyes and told him how much I love him—I felt myself falling ever harder by the moment—and he squeezed my hand, ever taciturn.
Finally it was getting late, and we all had to leave. We got back to the apartment, and I gave Sam a wistful kiss goodnight and went to bed with Rider. Sam was sleeping on the couch, so though I'd have liked to have a private moment with him after all that affection, it was impossible with Rider crashed out on our air mattress and Sam sleeping in a common area.
Sunday morning, we went out to a vegetarian restaurant I'd visited with Oona the first time I'd been in town, and whose biscuits and gravy had haunted my dreams ever since. It was Rider, Sam, me, Oona, Toby, and a friend of Rider's from back in the day. Compared to the previous night, Sam was being...dodgy. I'd reach for him and he seemed to almost flinch away again. What happened since the previous night? Our eyes met, and he held my gaze a long time. My insides turned to melted crayons. He looked away.
We all caught a Lyft together back to the apartment, where we met up with Oona's friends from the previous day. We were planning to go on a nature hike, and we did. We piled ten people into two cars. I rode with Oona and crew, and Rider and Sam rode with their crew. We picked blackberries on the path and stopped on wooden bridges over creeks, and I'd try to lean against Sam, and he seemed decidedly uncomfortable. It was almost a relief to get back into the car with the other group and not have to deal with that for the duration of the half-hour ride.
When we got back, Oona and friends split off and did their own thing. Our crew changed out of hiking clothes, picked up SIL, and went out for dinner. Rider placed me between him and Sam, and Sam had forgotten something warm to wear. I saw his goosebumps and resolved to keep him warm. We joked about it a bit, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. By the time we got back to the house, I was determined to say something to him about it, even though I know the direct approach is often super uncomfortable with him.
There came a point where we were in the dining room, and everyone else was joking and laughing in the living room, and I asked him, point-blank, what was up. He looked like I was putting the screws to him and said, super-awkwardly, that "he's not Rider and isn't as effusive as Rider is." To that, I said, "Well, no one is...he's a creature all his own." I had a running joke that day that having a Rider is kind of like having a dog because after each 30-minute car ride we were apart, he'd bound up to me telling me how much he'd missed me and showering me with affection.
NO ONE can out-do Rider in the affection department. And I tried to make clear to Sam that I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't comparing them. I didn't want Rider-level affection from Sam. I wanted yesterday-Sam-level affection. Or, y'know, at least not weird flinching away. I asked him if he enjoyed our affection, and he said yes. And I said I never wanted to make him uncomfortable. And he said, "Then let's stop having this conversation right now. They're having fun and laughing over there, and we're being all serious over here." I was a bit taken aback, but I acquiesced. "I can switch gears super-fast," I said, "but I need to finish this later."
Then we all went on a beer run, surprisingly spearheaded by SIL, who historically has not been much of a party person if Sam is to be believed. When we got back, we all drank and chatted for a bit, then the people who needed to go home went home, and Sam's brother went to bed, then Rider went to bed, and I stayed up for a while talking literature and erotica with SIL while Sam (not a big reader) spectated. Finally she went to bed for a while, and I sat next to Sam, and we started to have The Conversation. So much was said.
(continued...)
We ended up getting in too late to go out on Friday. Both my plane and Rider’s were delayed and we weren’t even ready to leave the airport till after midnight. By that point, Sam and his brother had consumed too much beer to come pick us up in the rental car, so we got a cab. Sam gave me the biggest, longest hug when we got there, rocking me and genuinely surprising me. We're generally pretty "out" around his family, but it had been long enough that I wasn't sure whether we'd be starting from scratch. In that moment, I instantly felt "everything is going to be amazing."
We sat around all shooting the shit for a while. I met Sam’s sister-in-law. She wasn’t quite how I expected her to be, based on our interactions online, but she was very sweet and I liked her. Then we all went to our respective beds since it was getting super late and I was whupped from traveling for basically nine hours.
Saturday morning, we puttered about drinking coffee and such for a while. Then Sam, his brother, Rider, and I went to a coffee shop to get bagels for breakfast. By the time we got back, our other friends were at the house hanging with SIL, and we said our hellos and then all walked down to the train station to catch the train downtown. The plan was to split the group up and then regroup later. Rider, Sam, and I had tickets to a music festival where we were meeting up with Oona, Toby, and Oona's friends. The others would be hanging out around various spots downtown till we got sick of the sun and summoned them.
Everything was perfect.
I mean, the sun was really hot. And the music actually wasn't all that good. But the company was divine. Rider was carrying an adorable little parasol that SIL had lent him. Sam and I got serious giggles after he asked me to rub sunscreen all over his face and neck and ears and I was really challenged to make sure I got everywhere. Oona was obviously thrilled to have both her best friends and her partner in the same spot. Her friend and friend's partner were both super sweet and I liked them instantly. We snapped so many goofy selfies.
When Rider's ginger alert finally told us it was time to quit the sunshine, We skedaddled over to a shady spot and got in touch with the others. The plan was to rendezvous at a bar I'd visited with Oona last time I'd been in this city. We got there, and the good times rolled on. Oona and I had a grand laugh when her friend asked, "Wait, which one is her boyfriend?" when I went to the bathroom, and I caught the the tail end of her explanation.
When happy hour ran out, we got back on the train and went back to the apartment to regroup. Rider took a long nap. Sam and posse played video games. I cooked breakfast tacos for my loves, since we hadn't eaten when everyone else did.
The plan was to meet up with a different set of Oona's friends at a karaoke bar where her friend runs the event. We all made it out, even SIL who has health issues that often keep her home. I absolutely KILLED IT singing Joan Jett—I've recently discovered that somehow I can imitate her dead-on—and dueting with Rider on a Beck song. I also had sooooooo much fun with Sam. We'd taken some of the THC pills Sam had acquired (Rider and I having discovered that ingesting rather than smoking is the only way that makes us actually be able to enjoy it), and Rider, Sam, and I were all doing a cuddly "pile on hands stack" thing where Rider's hands were keeping Sam's and mine warm.
We were all so giddy and stupid-happy, and Sam kept putting his arm around me and kissing me and drawing on the backs of my fingers with a gel pen. And then Rider would cuddle me from the other side and kiss me...and I was in heaven. Totally floating on cloud nine. The fact that we were just...all loving...and out...and everything was fine...all of our best peeps were there, and there was just so much love and acceptance. I gazed into Sam's eyes and told him how much I love him—I felt myself falling ever harder by the moment—and he squeezed my hand, ever taciturn.
Finally it was getting late, and we all had to leave. We got back to the apartment, and I gave Sam a wistful kiss goodnight and went to bed with Rider. Sam was sleeping on the couch, so though I'd have liked to have a private moment with him after all that affection, it was impossible with Rider crashed out on our air mattress and Sam sleeping in a common area.
Sunday morning, we went out to a vegetarian restaurant I'd visited with Oona the first time I'd been in town, and whose biscuits and gravy had haunted my dreams ever since. It was Rider, Sam, me, Oona, Toby, and a friend of Rider's from back in the day. Compared to the previous night, Sam was being...dodgy. I'd reach for him and he seemed to almost flinch away again. What happened since the previous night? Our eyes met, and he held my gaze a long time. My insides turned to melted crayons. He looked away.
We all caught a Lyft together back to the apartment, where we met up with Oona's friends from the previous day. We were planning to go on a nature hike, and we did. We piled ten people into two cars. I rode with Oona and crew, and Rider and Sam rode with their crew. We picked blackberries on the path and stopped on wooden bridges over creeks, and I'd try to lean against Sam, and he seemed decidedly uncomfortable. It was almost a relief to get back into the car with the other group and not have to deal with that for the duration of the half-hour ride.
When we got back, Oona and friends split off and did their own thing. Our crew changed out of hiking clothes, picked up SIL, and went out for dinner. Rider placed me between him and Sam, and Sam had forgotten something warm to wear. I saw his goosebumps and resolved to keep him warm. We joked about it a bit, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. By the time we got back to the house, I was determined to say something to him about it, even though I know the direct approach is often super uncomfortable with him.
There came a point where we were in the dining room, and everyone else was joking and laughing in the living room, and I asked him, point-blank, what was up. He looked like I was putting the screws to him and said, super-awkwardly, that "he's not Rider and isn't as effusive as Rider is." To that, I said, "Well, no one is...he's a creature all his own." I had a running joke that day that having a Rider is kind of like having a dog because after each 30-minute car ride we were apart, he'd bound up to me telling me how much he'd missed me and showering me with affection.
NO ONE can out-do Rider in the affection department. And I tried to make clear to Sam that I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't comparing them. I didn't want Rider-level affection from Sam. I wanted yesterday-Sam-level affection. Or, y'know, at least not weird flinching away. I asked him if he enjoyed our affection, and he said yes. And I said I never wanted to make him uncomfortable. And he said, "Then let's stop having this conversation right now. They're having fun and laughing over there, and we're being all serious over here." I was a bit taken aback, but I acquiesced. "I can switch gears super-fast," I said, "but I need to finish this later."
Then we all went on a beer run, surprisingly spearheaded by SIL, who historically has not been much of a party person if Sam is to be believed. When we got back, we all drank and chatted for a bit, then the people who needed to go home went home, and Sam's brother went to bed, then Rider went to bed, and I stayed up for a while talking literature and erotica with SIL while Sam (not a big reader) spectated. Finally she went to bed for a while, and I sat next to Sam, and we started to have The Conversation. So much was said.
(continued...)
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Reverie
Active member
(...continued from previous)
It started with me stretching my hand out, palm upward, hovering an inch or so over his lap. He reached for my hand, then hesitated, then trembled, then finally clasped his hand to mine.
"Why are you so weird about touching me today?" I asked.
"I'm not...weird...I'm just...distracted," he drawled, in his slightly Southern way.
"Oh, yeah?" I asked. "Distracted by what??"
"I've got a lot going on," he said. "I'm not sure what you want from me."
"Not much," I replied. "Just for you to be...regular. Normal with me. Like you used to be. And like you were yesterday."
"Like how?" he asked.
"Cuddling and basic affection and whatever." I answered. "I'm not sure what's changed..."
"It's hard for me to feel like cuddling when I'm thinking of so many things," he said."
"OK, that's fair," I said. "What's on your mind?"
"Oh, house stuff, and what I'm doing next [in terms of where he's going/moving], and..." he trailed off.
"...and?" I prompted.
"I just feel weird about everything," he finished.
"Everything?" I prompted again, getting a sinking feeling.
"I feel like I'm messing stuff up between you and Rider," he finished.
"Oh. Well. You're not messing anything up!" I tried to reassure him. "We're FINE! Rider and I have never been stronger!" And it is true! I love Rider to the moon and back.
"But when we..." Sam hesitated. "How does that not bother him?"
"Bother him?!" I couldn't help but feel a giggle rising and fought to suppress it. "Honey, the whole thing was his idea..." And I told Sam the story I wasn't sure (because I have a bad memory) whether he'd ever heard...how he'd come through when Rider had had his bad trip, and he'd worked in teamwork with me making sure Rider felt safe, and he'd spearheaded cleanup efforts and just seemed so...competent. Capable. Sexy.
And I'd started to develop a little crush on him, but I hadn't said anything. After all, this was Rider's BFF of 20 years. I couldn't date him. That would just be too weird, poly or no. But then we'd all lain out on the trampoline, high as kites, and I'd put my one little paw on his arm and felt its exquisite silkiness, and the other on Rider's smooth, freckled one, and I'd felt more right with the world than ever-ever-ever before. But I still didn't say anything.
And the following month, Oona had come to visit, and Rider and I had hooked up with her—a decadent, perfect threesome—and afterward Rider had said how amazing it was being between two best friends.
"I wish you could experience that!" he crowed.
"Well, actually..." I said. And I confessed my crush. And he'd looked thoughtful for a second but then started scheming how it would work. How could we broach the topic without weirding Sam out? How could he wingman me? It was mostly Rider's idea, that weekend that it first happened, Rider's birthday weekend two years ago.
Bother Rider? No. He was bursting with compersion, his eyes shining, when I looked up at him while I was riding Sam that first night. And I was completely dizzy. Half in love already and feeling like the dichotomy of the two of them, my own "twin towers" (as they were called in college, since they're both 6'3"–6'4"), one hairless and freckled and soft and soap-perfumed, one fuzzy and tanned and hard and musky...feeling like a tiny creature flanked by the two of them was what I was intended to be.
And I told Sam how ever since that beginning, when I look into his laser-blue eyes for too long, my insides turn to pudding, to melted wax, to lava. I told him how MUCH I love him—more every day—and how much I lust for him and want to be close to him.
"But what happens to Rider when that happens?" he asked. "Where is HE inside of you?"
"He's still in there..." I replied, puzzled. "Feeling what I feel for you doesn't take anything away from him. If anything, when I have you both in the same place at the same time, my love for BOTH OF YOU is amplified."
"But it's not really like that," he countered. "I can tell. Stuff is different between you two now. I don't want it to be my fault."
I truly had no idea what he was talking about. Upon later reflection, I surmised that perhaps it was that the super-obvious, syrup-thick NRE that Rider and I had been in for years was mostly gone, but that had nothing at all to do with Sam. That was just...time. Living together. Life. Reality. I love Rider more than ever before, and I feel closer to him than I ever have. I love him more deeply than ever, and he loves me even deeper too. I have no doubt of that. But that was later that I thought of that. At the time, I could only say, "It's not different, and it's nothing to do with you. He and I are FINE. Stronger than ever."
Sam looked pained. He switched tacks.
"So what if I'm not as affectionate with you. That's what an open relationship is, right? It comes and goes. It's based on opportunity...right?"
"Mmm, no, not exactly," I replied. "I mean...yes, sometimes, we see an opportunity and go for it, but mostly we've had stable partners that we have some idea what to expect out of them—the level of involvement and such. This is why I got so freaked out when you pulled back so hard and so suddenly. And why I bugged you about talking earlier. It's not a...a FREE-FOR-ALL, where nothing can be predicted and all bets are always off..."
"Not a free-for-all," he repeated. "But you guys still see whoever. You're still dating other people..."
"I'm not," I replied. "Not right now. I'm making friends. I have some friend-interests. But I'm not really trying to date, and I haven't been for a while."
"But you have RULES about who to date?" he asked.
"No, not rules," I said. "Not exactly."
"But you have a SAY in who each other dates?" he questioned further. "Like, there will never be another 'Claire' for example, because you two didn't get along."
"That's true," I replied. "We have an agreement that everyone need be friendly. There will never be another 'Claire,' but not because I 'said so'...because that's what we both agree that we want. I wasn't sure what he was aiming at. It felt like he was trying to understand poly, or our type of poly, but couldn't quite.
During the conversation, he had grabbed my hand and put his arm around me. We were closer than we had been all day. I felt safe and warm as he enveloped me, but I also felt completely misunderstood.
He returned to the topic of his effect on me and Rider. He seemed wholly unconvinced that he wasn't damaging our relationship.
"I swear to you, it's fine," I reassured him. "He is happy we're together. He is happy about how happy you make me."
"I don't believe it," he said. "I've had similar situations in the past that have just fucked my friendships all up, where their girlfriends have liked me and it's ruined everything."
"This isn't ruining anything," I said, still convinced that I could convince him.
And then I looked closely at his face, at the pain there, that his own misguided belief was causing him. And I didn't want him to hurt anymore. I took a deep breath.
"Would you feel better," I ventured, "if we just dialed it back to friendship for a while? If we take the sexual component out and are just really close friends?"
The look of relief on his face at once made me feel deeply relieved and deeply wounded at the same time. Oh, fuck. This is what he wants. Fuckityfuckfuckfuck.
"That might be best," he said. "I think that might be good."
"OK," I said, heartbroken. "I am going to be really sad about it, but I will survive and stuff. I should...go to bed. And...you know...if you change your mind...I...am not going to stop loving you. I'm still here. If you decide that you feel differently...you just let me know." I kissed him on his forehead and exited stage right. I crawled onto the air mattress with a sleeping Rider, still stunned. I couldn't help myself.
(continued...)
It started with me stretching my hand out, palm upward, hovering an inch or so over his lap. He reached for my hand, then hesitated, then trembled, then finally clasped his hand to mine.
"Why are you so weird about touching me today?" I asked.
"I'm not...weird...I'm just...distracted," he drawled, in his slightly Southern way.
"Oh, yeah?" I asked. "Distracted by what??"
"I've got a lot going on," he said. "I'm not sure what you want from me."
"Not much," I replied. "Just for you to be...regular. Normal with me. Like you used to be. And like you were yesterday."
"Like how?" he asked.
"Cuddling and basic affection and whatever." I answered. "I'm not sure what's changed..."
"It's hard for me to feel like cuddling when I'm thinking of so many things," he said."
"OK, that's fair," I said. "What's on your mind?"
"Oh, house stuff, and what I'm doing next [in terms of where he's going/moving], and..." he trailed off.
"...and?" I prompted.
"I just feel weird about everything," he finished.
"Everything?" I prompted again, getting a sinking feeling.
"I feel like I'm messing stuff up between you and Rider," he finished.
"Oh. Well. You're not messing anything up!" I tried to reassure him. "We're FINE! Rider and I have never been stronger!" And it is true! I love Rider to the moon and back.
"But when we..." Sam hesitated. "How does that not bother him?"
"Bother him?!" I couldn't help but feel a giggle rising and fought to suppress it. "Honey, the whole thing was his idea..." And I told Sam the story I wasn't sure (because I have a bad memory) whether he'd ever heard...how he'd come through when Rider had had his bad trip, and he'd worked in teamwork with me making sure Rider felt safe, and he'd spearheaded cleanup efforts and just seemed so...competent. Capable. Sexy.
And I'd started to develop a little crush on him, but I hadn't said anything. After all, this was Rider's BFF of 20 years. I couldn't date him. That would just be too weird, poly or no. But then we'd all lain out on the trampoline, high as kites, and I'd put my one little paw on his arm and felt its exquisite silkiness, and the other on Rider's smooth, freckled one, and I'd felt more right with the world than ever-ever-ever before. But I still didn't say anything.
And the following month, Oona had come to visit, and Rider and I had hooked up with her—a decadent, perfect threesome—and afterward Rider had said how amazing it was being between two best friends.
"I wish you could experience that!" he crowed.
"Well, actually..." I said. And I confessed my crush. And he'd looked thoughtful for a second but then started scheming how it would work. How could we broach the topic without weirding Sam out? How could he wingman me? It was mostly Rider's idea, that weekend that it first happened, Rider's birthday weekend two years ago.
Bother Rider? No. He was bursting with compersion, his eyes shining, when I looked up at him while I was riding Sam that first night. And I was completely dizzy. Half in love already and feeling like the dichotomy of the two of them, my own "twin towers" (as they were called in college, since they're both 6'3"–6'4"), one hairless and freckled and soft and soap-perfumed, one fuzzy and tanned and hard and musky...feeling like a tiny creature flanked by the two of them was what I was intended to be.
And I told Sam how ever since that beginning, when I look into his laser-blue eyes for too long, my insides turn to pudding, to melted wax, to lava. I told him how MUCH I love him—more every day—and how much I lust for him and want to be close to him.
"But what happens to Rider when that happens?" he asked. "Where is HE inside of you?"
"He's still in there..." I replied, puzzled. "Feeling what I feel for you doesn't take anything away from him. If anything, when I have you both in the same place at the same time, my love for BOTH OF YOU is amplified."
"But it's not really like that," he countered. "I can tell. Stuff is different between you two now. I don't want it to be my fault."
I truly had no idea what he was talking about. Upon later reflection, I surmised that perhaps it was that the super-obvious, syrup-thick NRE that Rider and I had been in for years was mostly gone, but that had nothing at all to do with Sam. That was just...time. Living together. Life. Reality. I love Rider more than ever before, and I feel closer to him than I ever have. I love him more deeply than ever, and he loves me even deeper too. I have no doubt of that. But that was later that I thought of that. At the time, I could only say, "It's not different, and it's nothing to do with you. He and I are FINE. Stronger than ever."
Sam looked pained. He switched tacks.
"So what if I'm not as affectionate with you. That's what an open relationship is, right? It comes and goes. It's based on opportunity...right?"
"Mmm, no, not exactly," I replied. "I mean...yes, sometimes, we see an opportunity and go for it, but mostly we've had stable partners that we have some idea what to expect out of them—the level of involvement and such. This is why I got so freaked out when you pulled back so hard and so suddenly. And why I bugged you about talking earlier. It's not a...a FREE-FOR-ALL, where nothing can be predicted and all bets are always off..."
"Not a free-for-all," he repeated. "But you guys still see whoever. You're still dating other people..."
"I'm not," I replied. "Not right now. I'm making friends. I have some friend-interests. But I'm not really trying to date, and I haven't been for a while."
"But you have RULES about who to date?" he asked.
"No, not rules," I said. "Not exactly."
"But you have a SAY in who each other dates?" he questioned further. "Like, there will never be another 'Claire' for example, because you two didn't get along."
"That's true," I replied. "We have an agreement that everyone need be friendly. There will never be another 'Claire,' but not because I 'said so'...because that's what we both agree that we want. I wasn't sure what he was aiming at. It felt like he was trying to understand poly, or our type of poly, but couldn't quite.
During the conversation, he had grabbed my hand and put his arm around me. We were closer than we had been all day. I felt safe and warm as he enveloped me, but I also felt completely misunderstood.
He returned to the topic of his effect on me and Rider. He seemed wholly unconvinced that he wasn't damaging our relationship.
"I swear to you, it's fine," I reassured him. "He is happy we're together. He is happy about how happy you make me."
"I don't believe it," he said. "I've had similar situations in the past that have just fucked my friendships all up, where their girlfriends have liked me and it's ruined everything."
"This isn't ruining anything," I said, still convinced that I could convince him.
And then I looked closely at his face, at the pain there, that his own misguided belief was causing him. And I didn't want him to hurt anymore. I took a deep breath.
"Would you feel better," I ventured, "if we just dialed it back to friendship for a while? If we take the sexual component out and are just really close friends?"
The look of relief on his face at once made me feel deeply relieved and deeply wounded at the same time. Oh, fuck. This is what he wants. Fuckityfuckfuckfuck.
"That might be best," he said. "I think that might be good."
"OK," I said, heartbroken. "I am going to be really sad about it, but I will survive and stuff. I should...go to bed. And...you know...if you change your mind...I...am not going to stop loving you. I'm still here. If you decide that you feel differently...you just let me know." I kissed him on his forehead and exited stage right. I crawled onto the air mattress with a sleeping Rider, still stunned. I couldn't help myself.
(continued...)
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Reverie
Active member
(...continued from previous)
"Babe. Babe." (poking him) "HEY. Wake up!" I whispered loudly. "I really need you right now."
"What's up?" he murmured, groggily.
"I think...I think Sam and I just broke up..." and I started crying all over him.
"Wait, WHAT?" he asked, so confused.
As best as I could recount it, I explained to him the conversation.
"But...he's WRONG!" Rider said. "I love that you guys are...were...together."
At that correction, I dissolved into fresh (quiet) sobs. He held me. He cursed his best friend for being so stupid.
"He doesn't understand," Rider said. "I don't know why he doesn't, but he must not. I have zero problem with any of it." He paused. "But you did the right thing when you realized it's what he wanted. He's too passive to have stepped up and done it on his own."
I cried myself to sleep on Rider's shoulder.
When I woke up this morning, it was the first thing in my head. I crept out to the common area to use the bathroom and my eyes glanced over a sleeping Sam on the couch. I quickly averted them, did my business, and scurried back over to Rider. I fell asleep again, for a time, and had dreams about Sam: beautiful sex dreams.
I woke up again in the later morning, still the first awake, and scuttled out to the living room to grab my phone, where I'd hastily left it. I returned to the room and found Rider awake. He was looking at me lustfully, and it had been a while, so I engaged with him. I was so distracted while kissing him, and I considered the irony: Sam wondered how he affected my time with Rider...and he DIDN'T...till he made me too sad to be in the moment. Finally, I got my head in the game and ignited some lust and had a really good time with Rider. But as soon as we collapsed, finished, the thoughts returned.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Rider asked.
"No. At least, not right now. I don't want to bug him any further. I want to give him some time and some space. But I have to say that this is one of the best things about poly: the built-in support. I have you to cry to and to listen to me when I need it. Thank you for being so awesome," I said. Rider just held me and rocked me.
Looking at Rider's concerned face, I thought of something ironic:
"He wants this because he thinks he's hurting you," I mused, "but you're more hurt by seeing my heart broken than you ever could be seeing me happy with him."
"It's true," Rider said.
"I wonder what he would think if he knew," I said.
I traversed the rest of the day pretty skillfully, I suppose. I tried to "act normal"...whatever I thought that looked like. After two years of being able to touch Sam whenever I wanted to, it was odd to walk to the store with him and his brother and Rider and not stand too close. It felt contrived to not split the distance between him and Rider and wiggle up between them when we stopped for red lights. It felt so weird to make myself NOT touch him. I'd had in my head the idea that I could make this not be awkward, and I realized on that walk that "not awkward" for everyone else was going to be by necessity super-awkward for me internally. Not to mention that my eyes were all puffy like turtle eyes from crying myself to sleep. That always happens the next day.
After the store, we met our friends out for breakfast. I tried to slough off some of my inner conflict by photographing bees on flowers on the patio. I offered many small friendship-only olive branches to Sam to let him know I'm not mad, like sips of my fancy juice and blackberries I picked on the walk back.
When we got back to the house, he sat very close to me on the floor for a bit (I was sitting at Rider's feet), then seemed to think better of it and moved to the couch.
When we went out for lunch, I couldn't finish my beer from being too full, so he split it with me. Our eyes met a few times, but I made myself look away.
When it was time for his brother to take Rider and I to the airport, I hugged him goodbye, like a friend might. He called me "dude" and I felt like that was in the script. But then he kissed me on the side of my neck and my world spun sideways—dizzy, confused. I told him I would write something to him.
Do "friends" kiss "friends" on the side of their neck? Was that a strange farewell? A reopening of a door that was closed too hastily? I don't know.
I love him, and I have no idea what comes next. I'm not sure what to say to him when I write, other than I want some words exchanged that are not fueled by hours of partying. I want to tell him how I feel, explicitly and soberly. I am not even sure if I will expect a response. I know there's no rush—neither to send it NOR to hope for a response if one is coming.
Further complication is that he confirmed in front of everyone his plans to move west as soon as he can muster. Whether that be L.A. or points north, I am not sure, but either way, it'll be closer. I dream of all of us together, as I have for two years, and just as it seems like it could fall into place, he gets this misguided conscience notion, if that's what it is.
I might even...and this is weird to say...but...kind of be willing to close for him, if, gauging by part of his line of questioning, the idea of incoming people might be uncomfy for him. At least, close to new guys. I don't have any steady ladies right now, so I'd still be looking for that, but if he were local or even local-ish, I think he and Rider would pretty solidly polysaturate me. Of course, this is all speculative.
We broke up.
At least...I *think* we did. Until the neck kiss...
Dammit, Sam. Be less mysterious, less confusing. While I was waiting for my plane, I got a cup of soup and a cider at the airport bar, and they were playing such apropos songs: "Lovesong" by the Cure. "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode. "Heart of Glass" by Blondie. It felt like life was fucking with me, enticing me to wallow. I suppose I'll write him a letter tomorrow. I have to think of what to say.
"Babe. Babe." (poking him) "HEY. Wake up!" I whispered loudly. "I really need you right now."
"What's up?" he murmured, groggily.
"I think...I think Sam and I just broke up..." and I started crying all over him.
"Wait, WHAT?" he asked, so confused.
As best as I could recount it, I explained to him the conversation.
"But...he's WRONG!" Rider said. "I love that you guys are...were...together."
At that correction, I dissolved into fresh (quiet) sobs. He held me. He cursed his best friend for being so stupid.
"He doesn't understand," Rider said. "I don't know why he doesn't, but he must not. I have zero problem with any of it." He paused. "But you did the right thing when you realized it's what he wanted. He's too passive to have stepped up and done it on his own."
I cried myself to sleep on Rider's shoulder.
When I woke up this morning, it was the first thing in my head. I crept out to the common area to use the bathroom and my eyes glanced over a sleeping Sam on the couch. I quickly averted them, did my business, and scurried back over to Rider. I fell asleep again, for a time, and had dreams about Sam: beautiful sex dreams.
I woke up again in the later morning, still the first awake, and scuttled out to the living room to grab my phone, where I'd hastily left it. I returned to the room and found Rider awake. He was looking at me lustfully, and it had been a while, so I engaged with him. I was so distracted while kissing him, and I considered the irony: Sam wondered how he affected my time with Rider...and he DIDN'T...till he made me too sad to be in the moment. Finally, I got my head in the game and ignited some lust and had a really good time with Rider. But as soon as we collapsed, finished, the thoughts returned.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Rider asked.
"No. At least, not right now. I don't want to bug him any further. I want to give him some time and some space. But I have to say that this is one of the best things about poly: the built-in support. I have you to cry to and to listen to me when I need it. Thank you for being so awesome," I said. Rider just held me and rocked me.
Looking at Rider's concerned face, I thought of something ironic:
"He wants this because he thinks he's hurting you," I mused, "but you're more hurt by seeing my heart broken than you ever could be seeing me happy with him."
"It's true," Rider said.
"I wonder what he would think if he knew," I said.
I traversed the rest of the day pretty skillfully, I suppose. I tried to "act normal"...whatever I thought that looked like. After two years of being able to touch Sam whenever I wanted to, it was odd to walk to the store with him and his brother and Rider and not stand too close. It felt contrived to not split the distance between him and Rider and wiggle up between them when we stopped for red lights. It felt so weird to make myself NOT touch him. I'd had in my head the idea that I could make this not be awkward, and I realized on that walk that "not awkward" for everyone else was going to be by necessity super-awkward for me internally. Not to mention that my eyes were all puffy like turtle eyes from crying myself to sleep. That always happens the next day.
After the store, we met our friends out for breakfast. I tried to slough off some of my inner conflict by photographing bees on flowers on the patio. I offered many small friendship-only olive branches to Sam to let him know I'm not mad, like sips of my fancy juice and blackberries I picked on the walk back.
When we got back to the house, he sat very close to me on the floor for a bit (I was sitting at Rider's feet), then seemed to think better of it and moved to the couch.
When we went out for lunch, I couldn't finish my beer from being too full, so he split it with me. Our eyes met a few times, but I made myself look away.
When it was time for his brother to take Rider and I to the airport, I hugged him goodbye, like a friend might. He called me "dude" and I felt like that was in the script. But then he kissed me on the side of my neck and my world spun sideways—dizzy, confused. I told him I would write something to him.
Do "friends" kiss "friends" on the side of their neck? Was that a strange farewell? A reopening of a door that was closed too hastily? I don't know.
I love him, and I have no idea what comes next. I'm not sure what to say to him when I write, other than I want some words exchanged that are not fueled by hours of partying. I want to tell him how I feel, explicitly and soberly. I am not even sure if I will expect a response. I know there's no rush—neither to send it NOR to hope for a response if one is coming.
Further complication is that he confirmed in front of everyone his plans to move west as soon as he can muster. Whether that be L.A. or points north, I am not sure, but either way, it'll be closer. I dream of all of us together, as I have for two years, and just as it seems like it could fall into place, he gets this misguided conscience notion, if that's what it is.
I might even...and this is weird to say...but...kind of be willing to close for him, if, gauging by part of his line of questioning, the idea of incoming people might be uncomfy for him. At least, close to new guys. I don't have any steady ladies right now, so I'd still be looking for that, but if he were local or even local-ish, I think he and Rider would pretty solidly polysaturate me. Of course, this is all speculative.
We broke up.
At least...I *think* we did. Until the neck kiss...
Dammit, Sam. Be less mysterious, less confusing. While I was waiting for my plane, I got a cup of soup and a cider at the airport bar, and they were playing such apropos songs: "Lovesong" by the Cure. "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode. "Heart of Glass" by Blondie. It felt like life was fucking with me, enticing me to wallow. I suppose I'll write him a letter tomorrow. I have to think of what to say.
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Reverie
Active member
My letter to Sam:
I got some editing tips from Rider before sending it. He knows Sam better than anyone, so he was able to point out things that he thought might get misinterpreted, or that Sam would find intimidating (mostly length—I am wordy, as you all here know).
I warned Sam in advance that it was coming, and that it was long, and that I didn't expect any kind of long response. I told him that I miss him already and that I hope he is having a good day. He said he'll look at it when he gets back to the house, and that he misses me too. With that blasted out into the world and out of my hands, I feel a bit better. I know that I've done everything I can, and the chips fall where they may.
I wanted to write you a letter to communicate more clearly than I did Sunday night, since I was pretty drunk.
I feel really nervous writing this, but I am going to do it anyway.
At the bottom of all of this is that I really love you. I know you have a hard time understanding how I can love you and it not take anything away from Rider. But it actually works the opposite way: when I am near you both at the same time, it amplifies my love for you both. It is really hard to explain, but it’s true.
You worried aloud that you are "messing something up" between Rider and me, but that is not the case. He loves me, and he loves you, and he loves that I love you. It makes him happy to see us together. When you and I have had the space to spend time alone together, mostly it's because he has set it up and encouraged it, “wingmanned” us, even. He wants to see both of us happy, and if we can add to each other's happiness, he's all for it.
My relationship with Rider has only gotten stronger and happier in the past two years, while you and I have been seeing each other. I am certain that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, and the past year has really sealed it, with the move, etc. I can't picture my life without him in it, and he feels the same way about me. Nothing you and I could do could shake his love for either one of us.
Rider is 100% honest with me about everything, and he would let me know if he felt any discomfort. When I told him about our conversation and about how we'd decided to stop things, he was surprised and sad for me. He offered to talk to you about it, and I told him not to bug you. I figured I would just send you this letter myself instead. You told me you've had some kind of bad experiences in the past with love triangles ruining friendships, but I think this situation is unique—nothing here is broken.
I love you so much. It's different than it is with Rider, because every relationship with everyone is different. But it's big and real and powerful and makes me feel dizzy just to think about it. It’s also super rare for me. What it comes down to is that I do really want to be with you—to be with you both—if you love me and can find a way to wrap your head around it.
I think you love me too. At least, you look at me like you do, and you act like it when you're tipsy and your guard comes down. You've even said it plainly, over chat, not too long ago. When I read it, my heart soared and I thought about it for like a week.
I want to learn you better—how to touch you the way that you like to be touched, how to give you just the right balance of affection and space, etc. I miss you so much when I don't see you, and when I'm back in your arms for that first hug after a long while, it feels like a homecoming. I feel an electricity that hums between us even when we are not touching.
I suppose that if I weren't also with Rider, I might be too intense for you. I am the same way he is: a creature made of love so big that it just splashes all around and can be overwhelming. Maybe I'm too intense for you anyway, even with Rider around to soak most of it up. Maybe that’s part of it.
But I can be happy receiving a low-key, mellow kind of love, if that's the kind you have to offer. I don’t expect you to be like me or Rider. I like you the way that you are. It's only when you were suddenly (in your own words) "aloof" that I started to get freaked out. It felt like you put up a wall without explaining why, and then I wondered if I’d done something out of line, or if you were just over the whole thing. I’m fine with you needing to pull back and have space, but it is helpful to me to get some kind of verbal warning. I am bad at interpreting nonverbal signals sometimes.
I said what I said the other night about dialing back to just being friends because I felt like that's what you wanted based on how you'd been acting. I thought maybe you wanted to end it but were unsure how to go about it. I know you’re preoccupied with the logistics of planning what to do next. So I understand if a relationship isn't something that you have space in your life to handle right now. It's totally cool if you need to take a bunch of time to think about it and let shit settle down. You don’t have to decide right now. I’ll be here.
But if it were up to me, I would want to be with you. Like, really be with you, in an intentional way, rather than the haphazard “collide when we collide” way we have up until now. I want to be your girlfriend, if we can eventually make that happen. But if you don’t want that—if you’ll never be cool with poly, or if the Rider thing will always bug you, or for whatever other reason, that’s fine too.
I can be happy just being your close friend.
Our conversation felt like a real breakup, even if we were never “official.” It was such an effort to not touch you yesterday, trying to honor the spirit of “just friends.” I wasn’t sure what was OK to do, after two years of just doing whatever I felt like with you. I felt stiff and unnatural, like an actor playing an ill-fitting part. I felt sad. And then when you planted that kiss on the side of my neck as I was leaving, my entire world spun sideways. I touched that place over and over on my flight home, wondering what, if anything, it meant.
I don’t know. It seems that being with me is hard for you sometimes. Maybe it’s all Rider/poly stuff. Maybe it’s all timing. Maybe I’m just too affectionate for you in general, and so it’s a basic incompatibility. Maybe it’s something else entirely. I am perfectly willing to accept if it’s TOO hard and you’d rather keep that switch flipped to “off.”
But I randomly read a meme on my flight home that said that if something is really worth it, one should not give up too easily. So I guess this letter is just me making extra sure that I’ve done all I can without giving up too easily, and that stopping is what you really want.
I didn’t want such a large change to hinge on one drunken conversation. If this has been some kind of relationship (and I believe that it has been), maybe we could smooth things over and this could just have been a “bump” of some kind and not a “breakup.” Or maybe it could just be a temporary “breather” kind of break, to be resumed sooner or later under better-aligned stars. But I guess that part is up to you, and I’m not in any rush. Whatever it is that you want, I’ll get used to it. I’m an adaptable creature.
I'm not expecting a long response to this. I just wanted to let you know where I stand, while everything is still fresh in my mind. For now, I still consider the “more-than-friends” portion of our connection over as we discussed, but I welcome any sign from you that you would still like to continue, if/when you decide that you do. Sorry for getting all serious and shit. I promise to go back to being fun again after this.
I love you. <3 I will stop telling you after this, but it's still true.
I got some editing tips from Rider before sending it. He knows Sam better than anyone, so he was able to point out things that he thought might get misinterpreted, or that Sam would find intimidating (mostly length—I am wordy, as you all here know).
I warned Sam in advance that it was coming, and that it was long, and that I didn't expect any kind of long response. I told him that I miss him already and that I hope he is having a good day. He said he'll look at it when he gets back to the house, and that he misses me too. With that blasted out into the world and out of my hands, I feel a bit better. I know that I've done everything I can, and the chips fall where they may.
playfulgirl
Member
Sending you some Internet ice cream
Reverie
Active member
Thanks. I'm drowning my sorrows in sunflower seeds, work past my bedtime, and a couple glasses of my favorite wine. And keeping far too close an eye on my email tab to see if he writes back. And obsessing over the screenshot I saved of the time he told me he loved me first.
It has to end up working out, right? Eventually...?
Reverie
Active member
Additionally, I talked to Oona about it and she said this:
I hate the "million other fish" analogy, when it's one particularly special creature swimming away that is the source of the trouble. I don't even want anyone else. I want my Rider and my Sam and the amazing synergy of the two of them together. Ever since the first time, Rider has teased me about how being between the two of them is "Reverie-heaven." Two years on, and it has only gotten more like that, not less.
I hate the "million other fish" analogy, when it's one particularly special creature swimming away that is the source of the trouble. I don't even want anyone else. I want my Rider and my Sam and the amazing synergy of the two of them together. Ever since the first time, Rider has teased me about how being between the two of them is "Reverie-heaven." Two years on, and it has only gotten more like that, not less.
Reverie
Active member
Two little sparks from inside of me that may turn into lights at the end of the tunnel, no matter where the tunnel ends up leading or how long it takes to crawl out:
1. Last night, while I was half-working, half-wallowing, Rider was playing guitar, and he played a song he put on a playlist for me when we first started dating and, ahhh, it was like a fresh rush of NRE for him poked up through the heartbreak. I value him so much, and I know I have him in my life for always. Everything else will work itself out, one way or the other.
2. As part of my processing, I pulled a bunch of photos from the past two years together of all of the good times we've had. Some were Sam alone, some were me and Sam, some were Sam and Rider, and some were all three of us. They spanned from the very first weekend I met Sam (about three weeks after Rider and I started dating, before we'd even had sex), and they continued on through all the times Sam visited us, and all the times we visited him, right up until this past weekend. So many milestones: the weekend I realized I had a crush on Sam (April 2014), the weekend we first had sex (July 2014), the first time he made the first move (October 2014), and our first night totally alone together (December 2014).
Looking at them in aggregate, it's clear in so many of the pictures that he loves me: a little upturned quirk of the mouth, a softness of the eyes, leaning in closer to me than required, tilting his head so it touches mine...it makes me feel like...whatever it was, and whatever remains of it, it was real, and that can be good enough for me.
Life is long. Sam and Rider are never going to stop being friends. Rider and I are never going to stop being lovers. And Sam and I are never going to stop being friends. Maybe one day, he will realize how my love for him and my love for Rider can coexist within me to everyone's benefit rather than detriment. Maybe one day, he'll stop giving a damn about whatever it is that is holding him back. Or maybe he'll just get tired of being lonely and want a reminder of what it's like to be loved. If that day comes, I'll be here, ready but not waiting. In the meantime, it will be whatever it is.
1. Last night, while I was half-working, half-wallowing, Rider was playing guitar, and he played a song he put on a playlist for me when we first started dating and, ahhh, it was like a fresh rush of NRE for him poked up through the heartbreak. I value him so much, and I know I have him in my life for always. Everything else will work itself out, one way or the other.
2. As part of my processing, I pulled a bunch of photos from the past two years together of all of the good times we've had. Some were Sam alone, some were me and Sam, some were Sam and Rider, and some were all three of us. They spanned from the very first weekend I met Sam (about three weeks after Rider and I started dating, before we'd even had sex), and they continued on through all the times Sam visited us, and all the times we visited him, right up until this past weekend. So many milestones: the weekend I realized I had a crush on Sam (April 2014), the weekend we first had sex (July 2014), the first time he made the first move (October 2014), and our first night totally alone together (December 2014).
Looking at them in aggregate, it's clear in so many of the pictures that he loves me: a little upturned quirk of the mouth, a softness of the eyes, leaning in closer to me than required, tilting his head so it touches mine...it makes me feel like...whatever it was, and whatever remains of it, it was real, and that can be good enough for me.
Life is long. Sam and Rider are never going to stop being friends. Rider and I are never going to stop being lovers. And Sam and I are never going to stop being friends. Maybe one day, he will realize how my love for him and my love for Rider can coexist within me to everyone's benefit rather than detriment. Maybe one day, he'll stop giving a damn about whatever it is that is holding him back. Or maybe he'll just get tired of being lonely and want a reminder of what it's like to be loved. If that day comes, I'll be here, ready but not waiting. In the meantime, it will be whatever it is.
Spork
Active member
I hate it when it feels like something is just going GREAT and for reasons that feel, frankly, dumb as heck, or for reasons you never even get told in the first place, someone in your life just...ends it.
Especially when you feel kind of like, "what do you need? I'll do it. I just want you in my life." Nope.
*sigh* I am sorry.
And it's been my experience that trying to apply the "million fish" concept...replace a loved one with another interest, just like that...it does not work. Sometimes an intense new love almost seems to drive an old one out of your head, but you know what? I don't think that's really what is happening. I think that when the right amount of time...whatever that is...to grieve and heal, has passed, then and only then can you really become PRESENT enough to blaze up for someone else. At least...that's a notion I'm starting to mull here lately.
But...TL;DR...People are not fish.
*hugs*
Especially when you feel kind of like, "what do you need? I'll do it. I just want you in my life." Nope.
*sigh* I am sorry.
And it's been my experience that trying to apply the "million fish" concept...replace a loved one with another interest, just like that...it does not work. Sometimes an intense new love almost seems to drive an old one out of your head, but you know what? I don't think that's really what is happening. I think that when the right amount of time...whatever that is...to grieve and heal, has passed, then and only then can you really become PRESENT enough to blaze up for someone else. At least...that's a notion I'm starting to mull here lately.
But...TL;DR...People are not fish.
*hugs*