The Best Life Yet

I think if I ever had it to do over again, I wouldn't want the huge mega-crazy expensive wedding like some do, but I'd want a cool location, small group, nice clothing...I'd want it to be a beautiful memory, rather than an inconvenient paper shuffle. And maybe a weekend in a cabin or at a beach for a "honeymoon"...nothing too wild, nothing I wouldn't do anyways with my lover.

Doubt I'll have a second chance at it, but hey, guess ya never know where life can take you, right? :)
 
Spork said:
I think if I ever had it to do over again, I wouldn't want the huge mega-crazy expensive wedding like some do, but I'd want a cool location, small group, nice clothing...I'd want it to be a beautiful memory, rather than an inconvenient paper shuffle. And maybe a weekend in a cabin or at a beach for a "honeymoon"...nothing too wild, nothing I wouldn't do anyways with my lover.

Doubt I'll have a second chance at it, but hey, guess ya never know where life can take you, right? :)
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Right! You really never know! My mom got remarried at 46 the same year that I did, and I bet if you'd asked her at 37, she'd have said probably not...

The honeymoon is the part I'm most looking forward to: INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL! So exciting! Rider's been a lot more places than I have, and I'm super stoked to join in.
 
I wanted to hurry up and knock out a summary of recent happenings before I forgot them all. I’ve been super busy at work and so working through my lunch breaks (which is when I usually update). Two of my bosses are going on a safari to Africa for the next month, and there is a ton of last-minute stuff to wrap up for them before tomorrow.

The weekend at Moss’s in Grad City rocked. Friday night, we just sat around shooting the shit and drinking. Moss had bought a bottle of wine for me that he remembered that I liked—so sweet of him. He also let Rider and I sleep in his bed and took the twin in the guest room himself.

Saturday, we took the first part of the day slow. I woke up early and told Rider I was going to cuddle Moss. Even though we are not dating/fucking anymore, I do still hug and cuddle him a lot. He mentions sometimes how he doesn’t get enough physical contact, and I like to be able to make up for some of that.

Then I cooked breakfast and we had coffee. The boys started drinking beer early, but I held off for a while. We watched some Olympics. The boys played some guitar. Eventually we wandered out for a brewpub hop. We went three different places.

Then it was time for a food and nap break, so we went to a Mexican restaurant. My food wasn’t very good, but the boys both liked theirs. We all napped when we got back. I napped the longest, and they went on a store run while I was sleeping, making sure to pick me up my favorite snack.

After I woke up from my nap, we rallied and went out to the local punk rock bar. I danced so hard that my legs are still sore today.

Rider went to bed kind of early after that, and Moss and I stayed up talking a long while. We eventually passed out in a heap on the couch. I scampered back into the bedroom to cuddle Rider super early in the morning, after finding myself alone on the couch.

Sunday morning was another lazy-starting day. More Olympics. More coffee. I had to get some work done, so I did. Moss wanted to treat us to his favorite breakfast spot. He usually takes me there when I visit. Rider gave me some edibles, so I was kinda stoned after a while.

We went on a sightseeing adventure since Rider had never seen much of Grad City. We took lots and lots of pictures: of animals, of a graveyard, of each other. The boys drank more beer. We went to a park and walked around and had a little lie-down on the grass. We covered a LOT of ground. Rider was amazed at how beautiful that city is.

Finally it was time for Rider and I to head home. We got back at a decent enough hour to have some sex—sorely needed after two nights of going without. I didn’t want to have sex with Rider in Moss’s bed with Moss in the next room, given that Moss isn’t getting any anywhere. I didn’t want him to overhear anything and feel bad.

To be honest, on some level, I kind of wish I was still dating Moss. I love him dearly. I’m still attracted to him. And he and Rider are becoming such good friends that he invited Rider to come visit him anytime—with or without me. They really like and respect each other and would make fantastic metamours again.

But logic-brain tells me NO! If I already divorced someone once, went back and dated him four years later, and then we broke up AGAIN because he wanted to go off and be mono with someone else and was willing to throw me under the bus . . . well, it seems to me that we probably shouldn’t try to be anything more than friends. So friends it is! Cuddly friends!

In other vaguely poly news, I had a text exchange with Beckett over the weekend in which we both expressed a desire to see each other if his circumstances still permit it in November. I’ve already let Rider know that I plan to try to get an overnight with Beckett if I can. Rider said maybe he, himself, can spend the night with Allie, or maybe Elise will be in town since her family lives there. It would be nice if we could both have a date that night.

I still miss Sam like crazy. Every time something comes up in my “on this day” in my Facebook feed and it shows Sam, my heart just hurts and hurts, and I’m filled with longing for the rest of the day. He hasn’t been responding to my messages as often lately, which, in the larger scheme of things is pretty normal for him, but it sucks more for me now that we’re broken up for some reason.

Just today, Facebook reminded me that two years ago I shot a video of Sam and Rider playing music together, and I remember that weekend so well—the first weekend Rider and I went to visit Sam after I’d started sleeping with Sam. The joy, the NRE, the fun! I feel like the distance has allowed my NRE for Sam to stay alive even after two years and after a breakup—what would that even be, ERE (ended relationship energy)?! I still feel like a silly teenager with an unrequited crush when I think of him.

I don’t know what I’ll do if Sam DOES want to get back together when I see him in November and how I’ll balance that with jaunting off to see Beckett, but I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. I told myself I wasn’t hinging any plans based on Sam coming around to wanting to be with me, and so I won’t!

Rider and I are supposed to be going to Cayo’s bar Sunday. I’d promised him when we went to go see his band that we’d come out to see him at the bar sometime soon. He’s occasionally flirty over IM with me. I’d still kiss him again but still am not really interested in anything more.

I’m still not interested in making either of my newer OKC friends/acquaintances more than that at the moment. I’m supposed to be meeting a third one next week, but expect to lump him in as more of the same: just a potentially cool person to hang out with and maybe become friends with if we click and time permits.

Elsewhere in friend-land, Oona and Toby are back to being happy again. I’m happy for them. We’ll see if it lasts this time. The two of them are each so stubborn and so irrational about certain conflicting things . . .

Last night, Rebecca came over to hang out for a while. She was fighting with her fiancé and needed a friend, and she and Rider have been friends for something like 12 or 13 years. I had been looking forward to a quiet, lazy night, but I was also glad we could help her out. We just all sat around on the couch talking. It was actually nice. I got to know her a fair bit better than I have through just band practice. I’m starting to feel like I’m building a tribe—if not a poly tribe then at least a tribe of friends that I’m getting close with.

Speaking of band practice, we haven’t in over two weeks now! First Rebecca was out of town, then Perry. And now I’m not really sure what’s happening this week because we usually practice at Rebecca’s but if she’s having domestic problems, that may not be feasible. I know Toby had said before that Rider and I were welcome to his practice space sometimes, so maybe we could take him up on that. Tonight, I’m seeing Oona and I may bounce that off of her.

OK, back to my grueling workday. :p
 
Two things:

1. I posted a cute pic of Rider and Moss from last weekend here.

2. I am perhaps beginning to develop a tiny crush on a friend of Perry's. We've only interacted three times in real life so far, but I think he's kinda cute and he often "likes" my Facebook pics. The first time we met, we had some really good conversation.

My first thought about him in terms of looks was that he was outside of the body type I am usually most interested in, but I have learned through my poly explorations that I really don't care about that so much as I used to. Having that as a first thought is just a relic from an earlier time—what NYCindie once called a WORM. (Thanks again for that notion, BTW. It has served me well many times since!) Once I remind myself that I once thought that same thing about Rider and now find him the most beautiful creature in the work, that WORM gets disabled and I'm more open to being interested in more people.
 
Reverie said:
Two things:

1. I posted a cute pic of Rider and Moss from last weekend here.

2. I am perhaps beginning to develop a tiny crush on a friend of Perry's. We've only interacted three times in real life so far, but I think he's kinda cute and he often "likes" my Facebook pics. The first time we met, we had some really good conversation.

My first thought about him in terms of looks was that he was outside of the body type I am usually most interested in, but I have learned through my poly explorations that I really don't care about that so much as I used to. Having that as a first thought is just a relic from an earlier time—what NYCindie once called a WORM. (Thanks again for that notion, BTW. It has served me well many times since!) Once I remind myself that I once thought that same thing about Rider and now find him the most beautiful creature in the work, that WORM gets disabled and I'm more open to being interested in more people.
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Hm, wow, thanks for pointing back to that WORM thing. That was brilliant. I've realized many things from my early childhood link into how I see the world and what feels best and happiest, safest, and just...right to me, as an adult. From TV, I grew up watching "Three's Company" so the whole undercurrent of adult activity *hint hint wink wink* of various kinds with more than one adult, was always a background program in that show, maybe even though I absolutely LOATHED the show itself it implanted some polyisms in my young brain. We watched it over dinner every night for YEARS. God I hated it. But still.

And tell me that my favorite childhood film, Labyrinth, was not just loaded with power dynamics?

But the real life family modeling...old people were loving and safe and stable. Could be counted on for love, when parents and peers could not. So it tracks that love with a man 20 years older than me feels so good.

I wonder though...are WORMs always a thing we should fight or dismiss, or is there value in recognizing but then embracing some of these lines of code?

Oh and that photo was ADORABLE! ^.^
 
Spork said:
I wonder though...are WORMs always a thing we should fight or dismiss, or is there value in recognizing but then embracing some of these lines of code?
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I think that the key is this:

"Eventually, over time and with much self-awareness, when a WORM rises up, it can become just wallpaper in the background that doesn't do us any mischief nor bring us angst."

She's referring to the ones that are impeding us in some way. I'm sure there are a shit-ton of neutral or even good ones that we don't have to worry about disabling. But, for me, a knee-jerk reaction to someone's body type is definitely "programming" that I'd like to unlearn!

Spork said:
Oh and that photo was ADORABLE! ^.^
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Thanks! I'm really happy they've gotten to be such good friends.
 
Other random bits of news:

I discovered via Facebook that Beckett's band is coming here to play in my city in October. Unfortunately, it's the same weekend I was considering attending a music festival elsewhere. I'm not sure what will come of all that. I was on the fence about my music festival in the first place because it is soooo expensive (and I am kinda broke) and also quite long—it'll eat two days off of work, and then I really won't have any left. But it will also probably be AMAZING.

Beckett coming into town is one more weight on the side of "probably shouldn't go"...but...wahhhh! Choices! Hard choices. (Also, totally first-world problems.)

If Beckett will be in town longer than just the weekend, I could maybe do both, but it would be stressful. I dunno.

Also, Kelly is leaving for her post doc in Europe in less than two weeks and is freaking out. I spent some time IMing her to lend an "ear." She is pretty upset about having to leave Man. But she's also starting already to talk to people in her new area on OKC. I'm a bit envious of her adventure, but I do not envy her the stress!

I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible, and also that we get to see her on our honeymoon. If you'd asked me last year whether I'd be happy to hang out with Kelly on our honeymoon, I'd have looked at you like you were insane. Things change. :rolleyes:
 
Things have been good, aside from some family bullshit.

Band practice Thursday was great. We learned a new song that Perry and Rider had written together. I'd missed my bandmates so much after not seeing them for two weeks!

Friday night, Rider and I went out on a double date with Oona and Toby. They had margaritas. I abstained. I was rolling at 90% that day and saving up for Sunday. We had a good time but made it an early night because we were all tired.

Saturday I took care of a bunch of stuff that needed doing—animal grooming, bike repair, hair dyeing, etc.—had a nice Indian dinner, and then Rider and I went out to a goth/fetish night at a nearby club with prowling in mind.

It was a lot of fun! However, it was basically the same situation as any other: Rider was attracted to like half of everyone. I was maybe half-attracted to one person—and mostly I just thought he had cool hair. I have no idea if I'd have really been attracted to him, because I wasn't compelled enough to approach.

I kept thinking about the fetish party last year when I met Beckett—the lightning, the instant attraction, how I knew immediately that he was someone I wanted to talk to. I looked around at the people in the club and none of them was Beckett, so none of them was interesting to me. That sounds like a terribly...almost MONO...way of thinking. But it's how I felt. And it's not truly mono, because I was also feeling in love with Rider and happy to be there with him. And I was still wishing Sam could come there with us; I'd mentioned it to him and he said he wished he could too.

Maybe there were some people in there who I could have liked too, and I just didn't know because I didn't talk to them. Also, it was so freaking loud! How does anyone even make friends and connections in a place like that? Does everyone just travel in their pre-existing packs? Is it all based on sight and then dragging someone outside where it is quieter if they seem interesting? It's a mystery.

But I did have fun! Rider and I were all gussied up, him in a French maid costume and stockings, and me in a latex mini-dress. We danced and people-watched. One of the go-go dancers flirted with Rider from atop her perch, since he was wearing platform boots and is already well over six feet without them. With them, he's nearly seven feet tall. He was almost eye-level with her. It was cute to watch him go all gooey.

Some people remembered us from the last time we were there—people who'd asked for our pictures to be taken with them when we were dressed up for the costume party. I did mutually follow one person on Instagram, so I guess that's a budding friendship, maybe.

Once we got home, I couldn't wait to get out of the too-tight latex (oh, hi, reminder to diet!) and into cozy clothes and be lazy on the couch, where we later fell asleep, so we didn't end up having sex. My sexual energy has been off lately anyway. I don't know what's up.

However, Sunday morning we did have (really good) sex, so that made up for it.

Then I dealt with family bullshit. My grandmother, who is in her 80s, had a stroke last week. She had previously had one at quite a young age (late 40s or early 50s) and made a full recovery other than some slurring when she speaks. But after this one, she was exhibiting some confusion and memory loss for a while, asking for my late father, and her late husband, stuff like that.

Earlier in the week, my sister, who is the most family-oriented of my siblings, had been in touch with the aunt my grandmother lives with, and took it upon herself to be the point of contact. She group-texted me and two of my brothers, updating us on my grandmother's condition as things unfolded.

Well, my older brother decided at that time to act all butt-hurt that our aunt hadn't called him directly to tell him stuff. Like, she didn't call ANY OF US. My sister called her, and then texted him as soon as she knew stuff. You're not some kind of majestic creature deserving of special treatment, dude! I just inwardly rolled my eyes and didn't say anything.

However, Sunday, my sister texted again to let everyone know that my grandmother had called her and was doing a lot better. My brother exploded into a self-centered "woe is me" tirade about how HE deserved a phone call because HE was there helping her for her first stroke when no one else was (mind you, he was a 10-year-old at the time, so this also had to be an exaggeration). And then said "F--- 'em all."

Really? Fuck your 80-something-year-old grandmother because she didn't call you first after having a freaking stroke? Never mind that the reason she even called my sister was that my sister had called first. Well, I let him have it—politely and articulately, but cuttingly. He deserved it. And he responded with curses and insults and petty bullshit, now making it about how I don't care about him or his family and am "off living my happy life." Plus somehow managed to throw some anti-Semitism in there about how Facebook is run by Jews and he's kept out of the loop on purpose because he's not on there anymore.

Yeah. I actually DON'T speak to him most of the time. And this is why. He's a completely self-centered, bitter, hateful, foul-mouthed, audacious waste of space who killed all his brain cells with drugs and is now dumber than a snake and three times as mean. I pity his children—they would be better off if he were dead, and they were no longer subjected to his poisonous outlook. Maybe if I find myself well-off when they are grown, I'll pay for their therapy. Sigh.

I somehow managed to breathe myself down from the anger from all of that, and Rider and I were able to have our planned fun adventure. It was my slotted drinking day (86.4%), and after lunch, we went to the bar where Cayo works for a couple rounds. Then we went out to meet our new chick friend, whose boyfriend was performing at a bar. And then (quite hammered) we went home shortly after sundown. Rider watched wrestling and I internetted. We fell asleep early.

Yesterday was our halfiversary (and the anniversary of our engagement!), so Rider and I went out on a curry date after I got done with pilates. Then we tried to have sex but my parts were not having it. Well, OK, we DID have sex, but it was not enjoyable for me. I think there may be some weird, low-level yeast things happening that made me sore. It actually hurt, because Rider is quite large and I didn't feel the normal stretching-to-accommodate sensation that I usually get. And then it stung afterward, like my body was reacting poorly to his semen. I placed a boric acid capsule and some probiotics up there, and we've been using coconut oil as a lube, so hopefully it'll clear up soon. I hate being out of commission for physical reasons.

Today I found out that I won't be getting a significant chunk of "extra" money that I thought was coming in this week—I won't be getting it at all. So there goes the cash I was going to buy my festival ticket with. I guess that solves the quandary of festival vs. Beckett. Kelly said it must be fate. And I guess I am happy to have it decided for me. But I do wish I had the dough, just for the sake of having it!

I've been texting some more with Beckett. We were talking about parks. If he has the time, and if he's up for it, I'd like to steal him away for some hiking while he's here. I know he loves to hike. I'm just not sure how feasible it'll be.

He's been slowly leaking more info about his drug-addicted recent ex. Apparently she DID sell some of "their" stuff for drugs. I'm slowly beginning to wonder if he maybe isn't as intelligent as I once believed him to be. Not that I will necessarily hold that against him—I am just surprised.

First of all, it kind of sounds like he moved this person—this recently heroin-addicted ex of his—into his place within months of starting to date her again, and immediately thought of everything as "them" and "theirs." This, despite him being really well off and no doubt supporting her. He trusted a junkie around all his (excuse me, "their") expensive shit, and then is surprised when it goes missing.

Second of all, the way he responds to stuff I write him sometimes seems...like there isn't much behind it. Sometimes it doesn't make much sense. Sometimes there are simple errors that I didn't think he'd make. I just begin to wonder if he doesn't have just enough wit to seem far wittier than he actually is...

I'm still really into him, though. I try not to judge people too much on things they can't help, anymore. As long as he's nice to me and I'm still attracted to him, I can excuse a bit of falling short in other places. None of us are perfect.
 
Last night's band practice went very well. Our first "real" (i.e., non-houseparty show in an actual bar) is still slated for October 1. We have a nine-song set planned.

Tonight's scheduled hangout with as-yet not-met OKC friend got canceled due to his work. I am meh about it. I was really just trying to clear my list of people I eventually owed hangouts anyway. He said it'll calm down in two months. That's also when my work will start to get crazy-busy. Some things were not meant to be.

I'm very much looking forward to the lazy night with Rider that I will get as a result of this cancellation. I foresee edibles, television, and sexytimes in our future.

Tomorrow is going to be music night where Rider and I work on our own songs. I really do want to get those recorded as good versions so that we have an official album. And so that I can post the anonymized versions here. I would love to share my (often poly-struggle-themed) songs with y'all.

Friday is Toby's band's first show in years. Saturday we're going hiking. And Sunday we're supposed to go see that movie with Kevin Spacey as a talking cat. Because Kevin Spacey. And talking cat. :p So it'll be another

While going through my finances today (since I just got paid), I noticed a trend in my Mint: when I have a big event, my net income for the month dips way down. And then it takes a few months to pull it back up to positive again. After the engagement trip, it took me two months to get back in the monthly green. After the move, it took four months. After our car purchase, well, this month (one month later), I am still in the red, but it looks like I am on course to be back to positive next month.

What this tells me is that I am really good at both digging holes for myself, and also at digging myself back out of them. It's a good thing that Rider and I are both putting money away each paycheck for the honeymoon and wedding. Our objective is to have $10k saved, mostly going toward the trip. That way we will NOT be dipping into the red that month! Nothing to recover from! Indeed, we'll be so used to putting that "extra" money toward something that we won't even miss it when we put it toward paying down debt instead.

Not drinking (nearly as much) is helping with the financial stuff. 88% today, though I have promised Oona I'd have a few with her Friday, which will knock me back down to my lowest acceptable point (85.2%). I don't know why she cares whether or not I drink, but she made a fuss about it upon hearing my percentage plan: "You'd better save some of those drinking days for me! We haven't been drunk together in a month!" I fail to see how getting drunk together is the ultimate goal of the hangout, but I guess if it makes her happy, I'm willing to pony it up every once in a while. :confused:
 
I wish you well with saving money - I am impressed at how well you do! A few months of recouping isn't bad at all. Kudos to you! I am sure you'll reach your goal.

And yes, I noticed how cutting down on drinking really helps. Occasionally, I will buy wine or liquor to keep in my apartment instead of going out, since that is more economical - but then I think I must be pathetic to sit home and drink alone (I don't have guests too often, being an introvert, and when a lover comes over we don't usually drink)! At least you wouldn't have to worry about that with your active social life! I somehow have no problem dining at home alone, but criticize myself for having a glass of wine with dinner when I'm by myself. LOL, I can't win.
 
nycindie said:
I wish you well with saving money - I am impressed at how well you do! A few months of recouping isn't bad at all. Kudos to you! I am sure you'll reach your goal.

And yes, I noticed how cutting down on drinking really helps. Occasionally, I will buy wine or liquor to keep in my apartment instead of going out, since that is more economical - but then I think I must be pathetic to sit home and drink alone (I don't have guests too often, being an introvert, and when a lover comes over we don't usually drink)! At least you wouldn't have to worry about that with your active social life! I somehow have no problem dining at home alone, but criticize myself for having a glass of wine with dinner when I'm by myself. LOL, I can't win.
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I haven't ALWAYS been so good with the money (hence the need to start using the formerly-saved-for-honeymoon money for debt once the honeymoon is over), but I have definitely GOTTEN good about making sure my net income each month creeps back up to positive shortly after a large expenditure. The more months I'm at net positive coming in, the more I can throw that net positive at past negatives!

To be honest, one of the main reasons drinking costs me so much money is that I get super overly generous when I'm drunk. I'm very much an "I'll buy the next round!" or "Here, let ME pay for dinner/snacks/etc." kind of person, when I can afford to be. And usually I CANNOT afford to be. But drunk-me loses that inhibition. :rolleyes: Whoops!
 
Reverie said:
To be honest, one of the main reasons drinking costs me so much money is that I get super overly generous when I'm drunk. I'm very much an "I'll buy the next round!" or "Here, let ME pay for dinner/snacks/etc." kind of person, when I can afford to be. And usually I CANNOT afford to be. But drunk-me loses that inhibition. :rolleyes: Whoops!
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Oh, hahaha, my ex used to do that all the time. I remember telling him so-o-ooo many times, "You know, honey, you don't always have to be the one to pick up the check!" His co-workers loved him, though!

But seriously, it sounds like you're doing great.
 
Daaamn you guys look amazing! I want Rider's boots!
 
Mags and GFT were posting their needs/desires in a partner over here on GFT's blog, and I wanted in, especially since I'm getting antsy about wanting other partners lately, and it seemed like a good thing to reassess.

My Ideal Additional Partner

1. Sweet-tempered (i.e., not a jerk)

This means no passive aggression, excessive sarcasm or snarkiness, being too easily frustrated (and taking it out on people), hyper-criticism, road rage, purposeful boundary violation, poor treatment of service professionals, bigotry, bitterness, snobbery, or arrogance.

2. Attractive to me

I am picky. Boy howdy, am I. And I have found people of many levels of "objective attractiveness" subjectively attractive once I've gotten to know them. That said, I tend to prefer thin or athletic-but-not-beefy people with conventionally pretty faces, especially ones that would be just about perfect except for some little quirk that makes them special, like a snaggletooth or a heterochromatic eye or perpetual five-o-clock shadow. I'm into wabi sabi and androgyny. Boys in makeup with long hair. Girls in sneakers with pixie cuts. I'm not picky about coloring or height or sex characteristics for attraction, but I am mostly heteroromantic. The only real physical deal-breakers for me are extreme obesity, baldness, and creepy teeth—I just can't get turned on with those, so it's no go.

3. Relatively close to my intelligence level

This goes both ways. I've always tested pretty far up there, but I would date someone A LOT smarter than me only if they made it very clear that they value me for who I am and are not stifled or bored by me. I think I could easily become insecure if I felt like I were boring to someone. On the opposite end, I am less elitist about intelligence than I used to be, but I still really don't expect a relationship to have much staying power if the other person can't converse or process things at (or at least near) my level; then I would be the bored one!

4. Busy—but not TOO busy!

I want someone who is busy enough with their own "stuff"—be that another partner or partners, a demanding job, a fulfilling hobby, etc.—that they understand what it's like to be busy, so that they GET IT and are not butt-hurt that I can't hang out a lot. They won't be sitting there pining and miserable when I need to skip a week every once in a while, because they'll be thankful for the unexpected time it frees them up to do their own other things. At the same time, I would like to be able to set a regular, dependable, rarely missed date night, so I don't want them to be so busy that they can never hang out!

5. Open to fitting into each other's lives the way other friends would: kitchen-table poly!

I don't want to date someone whom I have to sequester from my life or vice versa. I want them to be open to meeting and befriending my partner(s), friends, family, etc., the same way a new platonic friend of mine would be. They don't have to become besties with Rider (though they very well might because EVERYONE loves him) but they do have to be willing to do group social hangouts where he's present sometimes, and be friendly and cordial.

And from the other end, I don't want to feel like someone's dirty secret. No DADT, no dragging me into the closet with them, no hiding our dates on Facebook or shame/discomfort about poly.

6. Similar level of "loveyness" to me

I love love. I love affection. I love PDA. I love attention. My love languages are words and touch, and I want those words (texts, IMs, whispers, conversations), and that touch (cuddles, kisses, hand-holding, massages). People who are scared off or smothered by a lot of affection and daily communication don't tend to like me for long. And I start to feel stressed out, neurotic, and insecure, like I don't matter to a person, if our desires mismatch too much here.

7. Similar worldview and cultural taste to mine

No to religion. No to Trump voters. No to anti-feminists. No to belief in an entire cadre of conspiracies. Yes to science. Yes to compassion. Yes to psychedelic-based "spirituality" and the idea that maybe we can't explain everything real just yet. Yes to love of animals. Yes to love of nature. Similar enough taste in music and things to watch to not be at each other's throats on road trips and lazy days.

8. Not a parent—at least, not one actively raising smallish kids

This one's tough. It rules a lot of people near my own age out because most people do still reproduce at some point. But I want to feel like I can get involved in the most important parts of the life of a person I'm with. And I know that for anyone who has kids, the kids definitely fall into that category. But I just can't with kids, at least not right now. I have next to no experience with them and...I'm just not a kid person. I like cursing and being able to shut down into introvert mode randomly and...just BE ME. And I never feel like I CAN be me around kids. They make me feel awkward. I don't like supervising them. And, to be honest, I find them kind of annoying.

I feel like if I dated someone with kids, I would either need to not be around their kids much, which would limit how close I could get to the person at all, or I would have to put up with having kids around, which I don't prefer. Maybe I'll change my mind after my siblings' children are older, and I've gotten more used to being around kids. But maybe not. For now, no thank you.

9. Maturity

What do I think are the hallmarks of maturity? The person needs to be honest and straightforward. Reasonable and relatively laid back. Willing to communicate through difficulties. Have their shit together: job, apartment, goals and aspirations, the ability to make and keep plans and be punctual, etc. If they have mental health issues, they need to be responsible enough to be tending to them. If they encounter problems, they need to be willing to meet them head-on. They need to not be afraid to stand up to their family if necessary. They need to be able to advocate for their own needs instead of expecting to have their mind read. They need to know the value of a good night's sleep. ;)

10. Sexual compatibility

I like it when people are open to group sex, amenable to (and experienced with) safe sex, and fine with doing non-penetrative stuff as the main event sometimes. I like watching my lovers with others. I like not having to decide. I'm down with most kinks even if I'm not super kinky myself aside from the group/voyeur stuff.

I don't like to have any kind of penetrative activity for extended periods of time, be it my getting fucked, or me strapping it on for them, or fellatio or what have you. Long, intimate sexy sessions of making out, foreplay, kink, etc., are fine, but once the P is in the V, I come pretty fast (usually twice) and then am usually ready for it to be over pretty soon after that. People who want to fuck my hair into a dreadlock for 20 minutes or more are my sexual kryptonite! I much prefer the ones who are about to come too fast and then we can play the ease-off-ease-on game for a while till I'm ready to "let" them come.

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I guess that's about it. That's the ideal. I guess there are some places where I can (and do, and have) compromise on some of that stuff if the person is super great in other aspects. But if I could have that all in one happy package, I'd be stoked!
 
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I have kids and the no young children is my preference also. My kids are 20 and 22, so I've been there, done that, and now find most young children to be exhausting, loud, and just not something I want to deal with on a regular basis. When my boys were young, I had no issues being around other children (provided that they weren't total monsters) but now, I find if I spend a lot of time with young children, it exhausts me and just isn't something I want to do. So even people with children sometimes have this limit. I think it's good to know yourself and know what you want and I don't think you should feel bad about this limit (maybe I'm reading into your message stuff that isn't there but the whole "maybe I'll do better as my nieces and nephews get older" makes me think you're a little ashamed of having this limit).
 
Hannahfluke said:
I think it's good to know yourself and know what you want and I don't think you should feel bad about this limit (maybe I'm reading into your message stuff that isn't there but the whole "maybe I'll do better as my nieces and nephews get older" makes me think you're a little ashamed of having this limit).
Click to expand...

Thanks! I don't know if it's exactly ASHAMED so much as it is...maybe a pre-defense against how defensive people with kids seem to be about having them? A lot of people I've known IRL who have kids have seemed to take personal offense to my not liking kids that much, like it makes me some kind of a monster, or like I've said something insulting about their kids in particular. I get that it might be especially frustrating to potential dating prospects if I'm ruling them out for something that they don't think is a negative at all.

And then there's a little bit of thinking, hey, it really MIGHT change. I've enjoyed the company of particular (well-behaved) children, in brief stretches, once in a blue moon. So, maybe, if I really do find prospects to be particularly thin on the ground, and I meet someone who has an intelligent, introverted, well-behaved child, and I also happen to be a little more used to being around small relatives at that point, I might feel differently. It's the only thing on the list that I can actually imagine changing at some point.
 
The thing about kids is one that finally convinced me that it's not hypocritical to like or want whatever you like or want, regardless of where you come from in life.

I'm a reasonably attractive (to hear other people tell it...I have a hard time seeing past my own flaws, but I won't argue the point overmuch) and reasonably young woman. Add to that, the fact that I've got a decent career and no small children and I don't speak or act in a trashy way (I'm reasonably intelligent.)

So as a kid, I heard my grandpa harp on my mother so many times that she "ought to have married a rich man"...this idea of leagues has come into my awareness many times in life. And it's dumb. I resist it. I get to say what I want. And if that is an older gentleman of modest means, why then that's what I want and it's my love life. No longer, especially since getting into the fetish scene and learning to see so many kinds of beauty in people, will I EVER look at an old man and young woman and assume she's with him because he's wealthy.

But look at the kids thing for a sec. I've got two sons. They're teenagers now, but they sure weren't always. And I was a damn good Mom to them, particularly in their younger years when they were more dependent. I cooked dinner every night. I sorted their Legos! I wiped the bottoms and stayed up with the sick kiddos and I helped with the homework.

But yanno what? I don't really like kids that much. It is totally different when they're your own, because nature and hormones...you can fall in love with 'em, snot, poop and all. But OTHER people's kids?? Oh hell no.

So despite being a Mom, I have a very strong preference to date others who do not have kids. I've met only a few OPC (other people's children) that I liked...a friend or two of my own sons who have come over to visit. Not many.
 
Don't worry; I'm a "breeder" and I don't judge your less-than-enthusiastic attitude towards children AT ALL. I love MY children (22 and 10) and get along, for the most part, with my stepchildren, but other people's kids until they are old enough to have a meaningful conversation and have stopped running around like whirling dervishes? Nah.

When my husband's niece had her baby girl, I just couldn't get enthusiastic about it. Everyone else (my husband included) was just going nuts over her. Now that's she four and considers the world her jungle gym, and believes that her screeching is a beautiful ballad, I am even less impressed. Makes me feel like a monster at family get-togethers.

I hope I feel more warmly towards my future grandchildren.
 
Thanks for all the validation, y'all! It's good to know I'm not the only one!

So last night's list was the biggies, but since writing it, I've also been thinking of the smaller plusses and minuses in character and lifestyle traits—the stuff that is a cherry on top but not a necessity, or a niggling annoyance to force myself to overlook but not a dealbreaker. Here they are...

Positives:

- active: hiking, biking, skating, walking, etc. (though not so much with the watersports, she says from a beach town)
- not terribly carnivorous: pescetarian, vegetarian, (non-militant) vegan
- an appreciation of fine food and drink
- experienced with or open to trying psychedelics
- night owl with a day schedule
- impeccable grammar
- has partners I want to be friends with
- likes going on outings that don't always involve bars (though sometimes they might): parks, museums, beaches, libraries, picnics, street fairs, etc.
- artistically creative in some manner
- handy
- tidy
- good at planning and scheduling
- adventurous and likes to travel
- likes to be in control of things when I don't feel like it (driving, dinner decisions, etc.)
- likes to exchange romantic gestures

Negatives:

- not local
- smokes cigarettes
- uses "u" and "ur" in text messages
- enough of a picky eater that it significantly limits the restaurants we can go to or the meals I can cook
- too broke to do even the meager things I like to do with people when I am middling-broke
- gets jealous easily

And then, finally, I've also been thinking about the potential "negatives" about me that are unlikely to change, so they must be willing to overlook or tolerate them:

1. I am incredibly low-maintenance—and I like it that way.

Like, a lot of times I only take "bird baths" in the sink or tub and use dry shampoo instead of take real showers. (I don't stink, though. I've asked people—family, best friends, partners—who would absolutely tell me.) I do the "no 'poo" thing and only use real shampoo on my hair right before I color it—once every few months. I let my dark roots get atrociously long. I shave things only about once per week and just wear leggings over the stubble the rest of the time. My fingernails are short and unpolished. I can't walk in heels. I don't know fancy hairstyles or blow-dryer tricks. I cut my own bangs, to varying degrees of success. The only two places where I skew girly-girl are loving makeup and having a complicated facial skin-care routine that makes me feel pampered.

2. I can only get off on top or through oral sex.

So if someone wants me to come, we will have to cycle through one of those positions, as boring as they may eventually become.

3. Sometimes I get sloppy drunk.

I don't drink often anymore, but when I start, sometimes I just don't stop till it's pass-out time. However, I never drive drunk, am a happy/adventurous drunk rather than a mean drunk, and I never let drinking affect my work or other plans.

4. I am wickedly inflexible.

No acrobatic positions for me. I can barely even bend into a 120º angle with a flat back, never mind 90º or smaller. It's always been this way, ever since I was a kid; I'm working on this, slowly, in pilates, but I never seem to make much progress.

5. I'm super busy.

And, additionally, I'm dedicated to fulfilling my existing obligations—maintaining my relationship with Rider, sometimes working late at my job, making sure my pets are cared for, keeping practiced on my music stuff (with the band and just with Rider), seeing Oona once a week, going back east once a year to visit family, staying faithful to my exercise schedule, etc.—before being able to take on new obligations. I'm happy to give what I can, but "what I can" is limited by those constraints.

I'm willing to make a new person *A* priority, as in, I won't make a habit of canceling on them for non-emergency reasons, and, if we are regularly dating, I will do my very best to see them at the rate we agree upon. I will also do my very best to determine a new person's needs via open communication, and to see if I can negotiate how to get those needs met so that everyone is happy. But I can't prioritize a new person OVER my existing stuff or to the degree that I sacrifice things that are very important to me. I can't not DO ME in order to make someone else happy.

If New Person wants one night a week, for example, that is doable. I will juggle stuff to make that happen, and a regular schedule would help. If they want two nights a week, well, maybe. I'll see if I can fit in an overnight after pilates, or after band practice, or after home music night (with Rider). Or maybe we can all hang out as a group on Saturday and I go home with them that night. But if I *can't* swing that for some reason some week, or if I do manage to and that's still not enough for them, then there will be problems.

6. Despite having a full and active social life, I am an introvert.

This means I need to take breaks from "humaning" sometimes at inconvenient moments. Sometimes I need to stick my face in a screen or a book for a while and not talk. Sometimes I can't stomach the idea of going to your party and interacting with strangers all night. Sometimes I need us to have a quiet night alone together. Sometimes I will be infuriating in my refusal to call for takeout, or for customer service, or for anything that involves talking to people. Sometimes your friends and family will remark later, "Well, she's a quiet one!"

7. Ugh, hormones.

I have premenstrual mood disturbances. While it's not crippling or anywhere near as bad as it could be, or as bad as the horror stories I've heard from some friends and family members, it is a thing. The week before I bleed, I am clingier, more prone to crying, more prone to jealousy, and more prone to that jealousy turning to barely controlled rage. Meditation helps. Self-care (proper eating, sleeping, exercising) helps. Reassurance and cuddles from my partner help. And some months are naturally better than other months. But it is something that I deal with, and, therefore, the people I'm close to encounter some effects of it as well. Oddly, I'm also more prone to blacking out when drinking during this time, even if I drink about the same amount that I normally do—it's weird.
 
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