I think I got too distracted by the emotional aspect and forgot to finish the story of how the actual night with Jasper turned out.
After cuddling a bit, he said he wished I could stay over. We’d previously made tentative plans for Sunday, and I told him that if he wanted, I could stay over Sunday night, since I have Monday off work. He said he might be free early but not later Sunday—there was a party he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to attend—but if he ended up not going, that sounded good.
After a while, I asked if he still wanted to go to his friend’s improv thing. He was on the fence but decided yes. I decided to go with him instead of straight home. It was fun. We met up with a couple of his friends, the same ones we’d gone out drinking with before—the ones where I’m becoming independent friends with the female half of the couple.
During the show, Jasper was very sweet, kissing me on the cheek a lot during the performance, and occasionally grabbing my hand. The sexual energy that had been somewhat lacking earlier started to come flooding back. The scent of him kept distracting me from the performance, and I was suddenly hyper-aware that his semen was slowly dampening my panties. In a good way. I have a bit of a fetish for that. I was feeling quite rabid for more sex with him and desperately regretting having to go home. I did have to leave before the show was over, but not till near the end. Before I left, Jasper kissed me good, and we pinky swore that we would actually hang out on Sunday—my idea, because I’m over getting canceled on by him. He said he could hardly wait.
When I got home, I saw he’d sent me a nice text about how it had been good to see me. It was followed by another one saying he’d wished we’d skipped the improv thing and just cuddled and spent more one-on-one time together. I halfway agreed, thinking of how rabid I’d been in the theater, but on the other hand, I think it was kind of being out and about with him, and receiving all those little bits of affection, that made me more libidinous. Also, I’d never watched improv before, and doing new things is always fun and exciting and makes me feel closer to the person I’m doing them with.
Yesterday I wrote most of my last post. He was on my mind a lot. We did a bit of light sexting, and I was feeling flutters of desire and anticipation for the next time I see him. But I was also feeling that wistful feeling I went on about so much in the previous post—enjoying but wishing it didn’t have to be quite as subdued as it is, and wishing it didn’t have to end soon.
To try to figure out what exactly I’m wistful about—what is the ideal that I crave that this is falling sort of—I decided to make a list. Or, rather, a few lists, that outline what, to me, the ideal FWB situation would and would not look like.
When I think about what my
ideal FWB situation would be like, it would be this (stuff that's missing from my current situation bolded):
1. Hang out roughly once a week, maybe sometimes twice, with a couple overnights per month when it works out well schedule-wise and is OK with my partner—basically spend enough time together to keep up a close enough emotional connection for me to want sex to continue
(this is hit or miss)
2. Go do regular friend things like hiking and games, in addition to the fuck-buddy nighttime things like “Netflix and chill” and getting drunk together
(once in a while we edge toward this, but it's super rare)
3. Actually be somewhat integrated into each other’s friend circles so that we’re not some sort of weird island in each other’s lives—this is something I really try to do with all my friends because I love combining friends and watching them befriend each other
(well, I've met two of his friends . . .)
4. Send sexy pictures and texts to keep the desire stoked between meetings, but not as the only kind of texts sent
—also send occasional “how are things going” or cute affectionate texts
5.
Be dependable when plans have been made: minimal flakiness and canceling
6. Aim for openness and emotional vulnerability with each other, including attempting to accurately label, share, and express emotions
7. Be honest about sexual status in terms of testing and the addition of and level of safety with other sexual partners, so that each knows what kind of risk is being taken on
8. Be cool with each other’s partners, without requirement to be more than friendly acquaintances
9. Be willing to work through issues when they arise rather than torch the friendship at the first sign of trouble—if platonic might work better than +sex, be willing to try that out rather than just bailing
10. Build some culture of shared interest, like activities we commonly do together, shows we watch, and regular haunts for going out
11.
Be willing to make short-to-medium-term plans, like tickets to a fun event that fits the culture of shared interest and may be a couple months away
12. Be open to exploring the sexual landscape together
13. Transition to platonic friends when the physical chemistry winds down (instead of trying to force the sex to keep going and instead of forcing platonic due to outside circumstances before the thrill is gone)
And what it would not be, the things that would separate it from a “real” relationship:
1. No “partner” labels
2. No expectation of romantic gestures
3. No assumption of being each other’s date to stuff, though offers are welcome
4. No trying to keep a sexual thing going once it cools off—accept the evolution to platonic rather than trying to “spice it up” at that point
5. No specifically going to meet each other’s family to do the “paraded through as a partner” thing (though if a meeting happens incidentally, that’s fine and nothing to freak out about)
6. No assumption of equal status to romantic partners or top priority over other friends in terms of scheduling
7. No escalator stuff like cohabitation, shared pets, or formalized commitments (though if some giant-house multiple-roommate situation or something like that arises, roommate status rather than cohabitating couple status could possibly be OK)
8. No long-term plans or expectation of life-reshuffling to accommodate in the case of a move or significant schedule change
9. No emergency contact status or expectation that this person will be in your top three to help you out of a bind
10. Discourage being seen as a default unit by friends, mutual and otherwise
11. No joint purchases larger than a sex toy
12. No splurging on expensive vacations together one on one (cheap weekend road trips are a perfectly acceptable shared friend expense though)
13. No going into each other’s place unexpectedly (though, historically, various local friends have had keys to my place at any given time, for purposes of convenience and/or favors, and if I became very close friends with a FWB and trusted them a lot, they might end up on that list)
And then the things that are pretty common to any relationship but that I don’t expect out of any of mine, FWB or otherwise:
14. No expectation of total sexual exclusivity
15. No patriarchal expecting the dude to pay for most things
16. No standing permission to access to each other’s most personal things, such as social media, email, or phone
...
After writing the list, I was looking at my ideal FWB parameters, and they basically fall into three categories: things that I am just as likely to hope for from regular platonic friends (2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11); practical things that I require from sex partners (7, 12); and things that keep me feeling connected enough to someone to be interested in sex with them (1, 4). That last category is a "me thing," I think—I know that not everyone has to feel a strong connection to someone in order to want sex with them, but it's how my libido works.
I don't know what I'll do with this information. I believe it would certainly be overkill to present it to Jasper, haha. It think it was just a good exercise for exploring my own brain. Maybe I'll show it to Rider, just 'cause I show him a lot of the stuff I write.
