The girlfriend of my boyfriend is hurt when I spend time with him

[envy_br]

I'm hurt and desperate. I'm 24F in a polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend (24M) that I love so much. He has another girlfriend (24F), that I never met nor have ever spoken to as she lives in another country, where he's from. I don't have any other stable relationships at the time.

I've already been in polyamorous / open relationship. I fondly enjoy it. His girlfriend though has never been in this kind of relationship and it's her first time. They've been together for two years, my boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months. He didn't cheat on her but she's monogamous and has been hurt by our relationship, but she decided she wanted to try to work it out, step by step.

My boyfriend is about to go back to his country, where she lives, in two weeks. We have the occasion to spend a bit of time together at my place before he leaves. Afterwards, we don't know when we'll meet again, due to the current pandemic situation.

Problem is, he told me today that he and the other girl compromised that he would only spend a couple days at my place because otherwise it would be too painful for her that we spend so much time together at my place, she would feel excluded. However, it hurt me so much to think that it might be our two last weeks together and we have to shorten it, not for them to spend time together, but for her to feel okay because we will be separated (therefore, both of us, alone, until he leaves).

I said to him that I'm not okay with the fact that they decided together of what he and I should do, that this is not compromising.

I've said mean things such as "I don't care how you are feeling because you created this mess by trying to force this polyamorous relationship when she's obviously mono". I don't know how to feel about that because I know it was mean but it felt like I was standing for my point here.

He's saying that he told me that things would go gradually about the open relationship, that I'm not accepting it and that I was mean to him while he's only trying to please the two of us. He said I too have to make sacrifices for everyone's sake, I feel like it's not sacrifice but it's just about making me see him less because she's jealous... But that makes me feel like I'm heartless, and he's telling me I lack compassion for her.

A friend told me I'm the one not accepting compromises and then not accepting the open relationship. Another told me I was the "authorized side-chick", which hurts. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so upset, this is awfully painful.

Thank you for your time, I hope everything is going well for each one of you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly ok? I think you are letting your soft feelings for your BF cloud your view to the fact that he's being a sloppy hinge and bringing you drama that is not yours.

It is not your prob his other GF is lonely or whatever because he took a 2 week vacation. They could have compromised it to 1 week if that's better BEFORE you were involved with it.

Problem is, he told me today that he and the other girl compromised that he would only spend a couple days at my place because otherwise it would be too painful for her that we spend so much time together at my place, she would feel excluded.

And why is your BF not telling her "No, thank you. It is my vacation. I will spend my time like I want, and when I get home we can talk this out. I'm not changing my plans that are already going on. This is something that could have been talked out before I left."

And not bothered you with it? His conversations with her can be over THERE on that side of the V, not saddle you with his problems.

Why's he doing "pass the buck" expecting you to "sacrifice" and make his other GF feel better? Like leaking over their side of the V stuff on to you to manage when it isn't your business and you don't date her?

Like his failure to plan and sort his stuff at home with her is your problem WHY?

I said to him that I'm not okay with the fact that they decided together of what he and I should do, that this is not compromising.

I think you call it right.

Would she like it if (you+him) made decisions that affect the (her+him) dyad without telling her? And just expected her to fall in line? What kind of business is that?

I've said mean things such as "I don't care how you are feeling because you created this mess by trying to force this polyamorous relationship when she's obviously mono". I don't know how to feel about that because I know it was mean but it felt like I was standing for my point here.

I think you are partly right. He may have tried to force this poly thing on her when she's clearly mono.

At the same time? When you found out he had a monogamous GF? Why'd you take up with him or continue with him? Did he lie about his home situation to you? Did you figure she would get used to it? And now that you see how it is... why stay in it?

He's saying that he told me that things would go gradually about the open relationship, that I'm not accepting it and that I was mean to him while he's only trying to please the two of us.

Well, I think he's playing "word salad" and guilt tripping you when he's the one who handled this all poorly. A crisis on his part does not make it a crisis on yours.

You could decided to please you too and just not deal in drama. You do NOT have to "accept" being here like this if being here feels yucky for you. You are responsible for your own well being.

You could end things and bow out and call it lesson learned. Maybe in future you prefer to only poly date people who have it better together and not deal in this kind of mess. . Esp when a sloppy hinge is letting stuff from that side of the V spill over on to you.

He said I too have to make sacrifices for everyone's sake, I feel like it's not sacrifice but it's just about making me see him less because she's jealous... But that makes me feel like I'm heartless, and he's telling me I lack compassion for her.

You are not lacking compassion for her when you tell him "Dude, why are you making decisions that affect me BF, without me being at the table?"
It is HIS poor behavior you have a problem with. Not her.

So...if you date a guy who doesn't stand up for your side of the V? Who does not keep V problems on that side over THERE on that side and not bring them over here making them be your problem? Who does not play guilt tripping head games with you?

Calls you names like you are a big ol' meanie who doesn't have compassion when you call him on his poor behavior?

Alright.

You could be compassionate to ALL and pull the plug then. Done.

Then she has no more reason to be upset because there's no more polyship.

He has no more reasons to bug you about not being understanding and not being accommodating. You have reduced his load.

You have no more reasons to be upset either because you don't have this BF bringing you drama.

A friend told me I'm the one not accepting compromises and then not accepting the open relationship.

I think compromise is for popsicles. There is one left so I split with my kid even though we both want a whole one. It's is not a big deal because after dinner we can hit the grocery and get another box, and THEN we get a whole one. We both can live with getting less than what we want, because it is not a big deal and it will be fixed soon.

Compromise is not the right conflict resolution process for "big stuff." In compromise, people give stuff up in order to reach agreement. Nobody is really satisfied and the issues might pop up again and again. Plus...

1) You were not actually invited to the discussion table. You were just told the "results."

2) Now you are being made to feel bad when you point out this poor behavior.

What's awesome about this?

I also think compromising oneself or one's values is NOT coming to compromise. To me it sounds like you BF wants you to bend yourself into pretzels so he doesn't have to tell his other GF "No, not appropriate to spring this on me AFTER I already left on vacation. We will deal with this when I get home."

If this BF expects you to help him deal with his relationship with his other GF when you aren't even the one dating her? Is that what you want the (you+him) relationship to be about? Attending to her? Or having your own separate thing with him?

Because he failed to sort stuff out with her ahead of time or failed to tell her "no, I'm not changing plans now".... it's has to be on YOU to make it nice for him and her? Because he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" or deal with her emotions when he goes home? That's kinda fresh to me.

Another told me I was the "authorized side-chick", which hurts.

Well, is this a primary-secondary model you are all practicing together?

What model are you practicing?

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so upset, this is awfully painful.

If participating here like this hurts you this bad? You could walk away.

4 mos is not a whole lot of dating time. If it is honestly more of a drag than what it is worth? Just bow out. Keep it simpler on you.

In relationships you have to be able to say "I like/love you a whole lot but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Could learn from the experience. Maybe not date poly newbies or people who have monogamous partners because it can lead to this kind of drama for you. Or date sloppy hinges who cannot keep their other dyad problems over THERE and come leaking it all on you.

I mean this kindly. I see this is very painful for you. But staying IN the pain? Doesn't bring you relief. So if you are hurting here?

Could say "No, thank you. This is not for me. I don't want to be in a poly V where you bring me all your drama from the other side of the V. And you and her make decisisons that affect me and I don't even get a voice at the table. That's not the kind of poly I want to participate in. Thanks."

Could just send him home early to her and don't see him any more.

Galagirl

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Saying things in a fit of emotion is never a great idea but you did identify the key issue here. He has indeed decided to do the hard work often needed when a mono person dates a poly person. Especially for the first time.

There is the possibility that she could adapt in time and things like this will stop happening. But it could have to happen a lot of times before she gets there. She could also never move much past this point and this will be how it will always be. He might leave her if this happens, but that might not be for a long time.

He does have a responsibility to help his partners be happy but you do not carry that same responsibility when it comes to her.

So your options are to either:

• Wait around and see what happens.
• Negotiate a deadline at which time things like this will be unacceptable
• Leave the relationship now

 

[envy_br]

I'm sorry you struggle.



And why is your BF not telling her "No, thank you. It is my vacation. I will spend my time like I want, and when I get home we can talk this out. I'm not changing my plans that are already going on. This is something that could have been talked out before I left."

And not bothered you with it?

Why's he doing "pass the buck" expecting you to "sacrifice" and make his other GF feel better? Like leaking over their side of the V stuff on to you to manage when it isn't your business and you don't date her?

Like his failure to plan and sort his stuff at home with her is your problem WHY?



I think you call it right.

Would she like it if (you+him) made decisions that affect the (her+him) dyad without telling her? And just expected her to fall in line? What kind of business is that?



I think you are partly right. He may have tried to force this poly thing on her when she's clearly mono.

At the same time? When you found out he had a monogamous GF? Why'd you take up with him or continue with him? Did he lie about his home situation to you? Did you figure she would get used to it? And now that you see how it is... why stay in it?



Well, I think he's playing "word salad" and guilt tripping you when he's the one who handled this all poorly. A crisis on his part does not make it a crisis on yours.

You could decided to please you too and just not deal in drama. You do NOT have to "accept" being here like this if being here feels yucky for you. You are responsible for your own well being.

You could end things and bow out and call it lesson learned. Maybe in future you prefer to only poly date people who have it better together and not deal in this kind of mess. . Esp when a sloppy hinge is letting stuff from that side of the V spill over on to you.



You are not lacking compassion for her when you tell him "Dude, why are you making decisions that affect me BF, without me being at the table?"
It is HIS poor behavior you have a problem with. Not her.

So...if you date a guy who doesn't stand up for your side of the V? Who does not keep V problems on that side over THERE on that side and not bring them over here making them be your problem? Who does not play guilt tripping head games with you?

Calls you names like you are a big ol' meanie who doesn't have compassion when you call him on his poor behavior?

Alright.

You could be compassionate to ALL and pull the plug then. Done.

Then she has no more reason to be upset because there's no more polyship.

He has no more reasons to bug you about understanding and accommodating her even when you aren't the one dating her because he's trying to please everyone. You have reduced his load.

You have no more reasons to be upset either because you don't have this BF bringing you drama.




I think compromise is for popsicles. There is one left so I split with my kid even though we both want a whole one. It's is not a big deal because after dinner we can hit the grocery and get another box, and THEN we get a whole one. We both can live with getting less than what we want, because it is not a big deal and it will be fixed soon.

Compromise is not the right conflict resolution process for "big stuff." In compromise, people give stuff up in order to reach agreement. Nobody is really satisfied and the issues might pop up again and again. Plus...

1) You were not invited to the discussion table. You were just told the "results."

2) Now you are being made to feel bad when you point out this poor behavior.

What's awesome about this?

I also think compromising oneself or one's values is NOT coming to compromise. To me it sounds like you BF wants you to bend yourself into pretzels so he doesn't have to tell his other GF "No, not appropriate to spring this on me AFTER I already left on vacation. We will deal with this when I get home."

If this BF expects you to help him deal with his relationship with his other GF when you aren't even the one dating her? Is that what you want the (you+him) relationship to be about? Attending to her? Or having your own separate thing with him?

Because he failed to sort stuff out with her ahead of time or failed to tell her "no, I'm not changing plans now".... it's has to be on YOU to make it nice to for him and her? Because he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" or deal with her emotions when he goes home?



Well, is this a primary-secondary model you are all practicing together?

What model are you practicing?


If participating here like this hurts you? You walk away.

4 mos is not a whole lot of dating and if it is honestly more of a drag than what it is worth? Just bow out.

In relationships you have to be able to say "I like/love you a whole lot but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Could learn from the experience. Maybe not date poly newbies or people who have monogamous partners because it can lead to this kind of drama for you. Or date sloppy hinges who cannot keep their other dyad problems over THERE and come leaking it all on you.

I mean this kindly. I see this is very painful for you. But staying IN the pain? Doesn't bring you relief. So if you are hurting here? Say "No, thank you. This is not for me. Just send him home early to her and don't see him any more."

Galagirl

You made me CRY and LAUGH, thank you so, so much for your help. I swear, this was super helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I surely need to read this again a few times before taking any decisions, but your words are helpful.

 

[envy_br]

Saying things in a fit of emotion is never a great idea but you did identify the key issue here. He has indeed decided to do the hard work often needed when a mono person dates a poly person. Especially for the first time.

There is the possibility that she could adapt in time and things like this will stop happening. But it could have to happen a lot of times before she gets there. She could also never move much past this point and this will be how it will always be. He might leave her if this happens, but that might not be for a long time.

He does have a responsibility to help his partners be happy but you do not carry that same responsibility when it comes to her.

So your options are to either:

• Wait around and see what happens.
• Negotiate a deadline at which time things like this will be unacceptable
• Leave the relationship now

Thank you so much for your answer. Yes, I couldn't put words on it but me agreeing to this doesn't mean she'll get there, so it isn't even really helping the situation here... Thanks for your point of you, it's helping me a lot.

 

[GalaGirl]

We were both posting at about the same time but glad it helps you some.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[envy_br]

At the same time? When you found out he had a monogamous GF? Why'd you take up with him or continue with him? Did he lie about his home situation to you? Did you figure she would get used to it? And now that you see how it is... why stay in it?

No, he didn't lie about anything, neither to me nor to her. She knew he was poly, just he didn't fall in love during the two years they were together. By how she reacted, I honestly thought she was going to dump him, but she decided she wanted to do her best to figure it out and stay with him. I think she does that because she loves him, although I don't understand why she accepts going through so much pain.

 

[GalaGirl]

No, he didn't lie about anything, neither to me nor to her. She knew he was poly, just he didn't fall in love during the two years they were together. By how she reacted, I honestly thought she was going to dump him, but she decided she wanted to do her best to figure it out and stay with him. I think she does that because she loves him, although I don't understand why she accepts going through so much pain.

Only she can answer that for herself.

Some people do that because they are afraid to be alone.

Or they cannot imagine life without the partner. Or are afraid to break up. So bend themselves around said partner, even if they know it is not healthy.

Or they figure "its a phase, they will grow out of it" and admittedly she wasn't being challenged for the first 2 years. It maybe felt like a monogamous relationship to her because he wasn't dating anyone else.

I also notice you are all in your 20s... Sometimes young adults are slower to decide things because these are their first young adult relationships. They don't have a lot of experience yardsticks yet. Life experience sometimes helps one make faster decisions. Older people sometimes are more willing to just cut their losses, not deal in sunk cost fallacy, etc. They think "Aw, man, I did this before, I'm not doing that again. I'm out."

Some people have the notion that love IS pain. One must do all this "sacrifice" stuff to show and "prove" their love and only after doing all that will the beloved come to appreciate them.

I think love could be "shared" and it isn't supposed to be painful.

I think older people are also sometimes more able to love someone WHILE AT THE SAME TIME realizing they are not healthy to be around. So best to love them from a long distance away in memory. Because loving them up close hurts. Rather than ride the merry-go-round over and over, they step off.

Again... one must be able to say "I love you, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello envy_br,

It seems to me that the right thing for your boyfriend to do, would be to stay with you for the two weeks, especially since you don't know when you'll see him again, in this pandemic. It is not fair for him to cut those two weeks down to just a couple of days, especially when you were not consulted. It seems to me that he is freely hurting you just to make his other girlfriend happy. That is not fair.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt from all of this. I wouldn't blame you if you broke up with him over this, but I know you love him a lot, and you probably don't want to leave him. Consider, too, that the relationship you have with him is a long-distance relationship, so that is one more ding working against him. In other words, what are you getting out of this relationship? Is it enough to make it worth the sacrifices he his forcing upon you?

I only hope that he realizes he is treating you unfair.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

Wow, in your shoes I would have blown a gasket. That "couples privilege" is beyond my tolerance level and I'd be pushing back. Whatever you choose to do, please know that there are more successful ways to do polyamory than having one dyad make decisions about the other dyad.