I'm upset and probably still a bit depressed, have been for most of September. I've been ill, also. Another tonsilitis (although likely caused by a different bacteria), which apparently I brought from Spain. It kept me home for two weeks ... or was it depression and lazyness? I'm frankly not sure how much of my tiredness is really due to the illness and how much is avoiding work.
I feel a strong sense of shame around all of this. The fact that I'd rather not go to work to a point where it's a real problem. Now, this is (likely) not about science or my specific workplace. I'd have the same main kind of difficulty in any office job, and likely every other job I can immagine: rebelling against having to spend so many hours there and other outside demands, fighting lack of energy and motivation on a constant basis. Everyone seems to handle the emotional difficulties of work, and some even remain cheerful and energetic despite much worse working conditions than I have. Routine manual work, having to stand, not being able to take a break whenever, possibly 12 hour shifts... I'd be a deeply depressed zombie and have a breakdown on day two if not day one, yet people handle, and still have some energy left to care for their kids. How unimaginable to me. The accademic freedom helps a lot, I could say that I got my dream job in science ... and yet, I'm still not happy and avoiding the actual work. I'm really ashamed that I can't handle myself better!
Of course, like everyone else, I need the money, so... I'm also afraid I might loose my position. But I've lived with that fear for quite a while now, while the shame is something new I've discovered these days.
I don't want to be that person, who's lazy to work and becomes an outcast of society, or dependant on other people... and you may ask how likely is that? I don't know, but I've managed to make myself ill for like 3-4 months out of the past year. No sane employer would want me.
I know it's ranting/processing, sorry people, but if anyone can relate I'd appreciate to hear about it.
I feel a strong sense of shame around all of this. The fact that I'd rather not go to work to a point where it's a real problem. Now, this is (likely) not about science or my specific workplace. I'd have the same main kind of difficulty in any office job, and likely every other job I can immagine: rebelling against having to spend so many hours there and other outside demands, fighting lack of energy and motivation on a constant basis. Everyone seems to handle the emotional difficulties of work, and some even remain cheerful and energetic despite much worse working conditions than I have. Routine manual work, having to stand, not being able to take a break whenever, possibly 12 hour shifts... I'd be a deeply depressed zombie and have a breakdown on day two if not day one, yet people handle, and still have some energy left to care for their kids. How unimaginable to me. The accademic freedom helps a lot, I could say that I got my dream job in science ... and yet, I'm still not happy and avoiding the actual work. I'm really ashamed that I can't handle myself better!
Of course, like everyone else, I need the money, so... I'm also afraid I might loose my position. But I've lived with that fear for quite a while now, while the shame is something new I've discovered these days.
I don't want to be that person, who's lazy to work and becomes an outcast of society, or dependant on other people... and you may ask how likely is that? I don't know, but I've managed to make myself ill for like 3-4 months out of the past year. No sane employer would want me.
I know it's ranting/processing, sorry people, but if anyone can relate I'd appreciate to hear about it.