The most unusual thing...

[Natja]

Maybe we are just assigning our space differently.

For us - bedroom, kitchen, bathroom are "common use" areas. You can use them together or take turns or whatever - they don't "belong" to anyone.

Yes well obviously. I don't see my bedroom as common space but then not all of us are lucky enough to have multiple living areas. I live in a flat, one living area and bedrooms - that's it! You are in a much more privileged position than most yanno.

When my FWB and her fiance come over and she and I head off to the bedroom for "sexy time" the boys usually watch a movie or play video games. Then we all go out to dinner.

JaneQ

And you know that scenario wouldn't bother me in the slightest if it wasn't my room they are going to...but no, sorry, my room is my knocking shop and sanctuary it's not a common use area.

 

[Natja]

I can also promise you, with full sincerity that were I to be crying in my cornflakes, it wouldn't be here.

I kind of guessed that...pride etc.....

 

[Natja]

The OP said "Our current configuration is a pretty straight V with my wife at the apex, but both the old flame and myself are open to it becoming a polyfi triad when we get to know (and hopefully love) each other better." That's what anyone should want to hear. That's "good poly". But no, people who are bitter and jaded by their own failed relationships have to come through with things like: "Just stop seeing a potential relationship with her as a possibility". Why should he stop seeing it as a possibility if it's something they have discussed and both may want? Because it offends you? Yes, people shouldn't form expectations from their metamours to start a sexual or romantic relationship with someone simply because they are metamours, but this isn't the case. This is something they both may want. That is something that develops organically. Discussing it doesn't invalidate how natural the progression was. What invalidates how organic a triad is is if one person always had the idea that poly people were obligated to sleep with metamours.

And this: " I can appreciate that you might not have the room but I honestly feel that bedroom sharing is the worst possible thing you can do.". Ok, it doesn't work for you, but um, who asked you to be in a relationship with any of these people? How do you know she didn't ask or doesn't prefer this arrangement? Because you don't, I guess.

I think that triads can be quite difficult to navigate; they have inherent challenges like any configuration. However, in the grand scheme of polyness, the OP sounds like they have a good chance of figuring this out. It might stay a vee, they might go on to a triad. Who knows? But he doesn't post any red flags for me. Not like the red flags obvious baggage and trust issues do, anyway.

tl:dr

London since you want to talk about stupidity, how about you construct your posts with proper quotes and grammar so as to be readable and not a block of writing that does nothing more than irritate me. I did not get past the first line so whatever point you were making was completely lost. I hope however, that expressing your righteous indignation made you feel a wee bit better?

 

[london]

tl:dr

London since you want to talk about stupidity, how about you construct your posts with proper quotes and grammar so as to be readable and not a block of writing that does nothing more than irritate me. I did not get past the first line so whatever point you were making was completely lost. I hope however, that expressing your righteous indignation made you feel a wee bit better?

Actually, for some reason, neither multi quote, bold, or any other button is working properly for me right now. It might be the laptop I am on, it might be a website glitch. Either way, I was saying that your responses to this particular OP who is doing everything right only highlight your inherent bias against triads, probably caused by a string of failed relationships, thus the OP (and anyone else reading the thread) should ignore your little rants about triads that are irrelevant to his situation and pity you.

And, by the way, you do realise that in the real world (ie off of an internet forum) one uses speech marks to show that a word or phrase has been quoted, right?

 

[Knightshade]

tl:dr

London since you want to talk about stupidity, how about you construct your posts with proper quotes and grammar so as to be readable and not a block of writing that does nothing more than irritate me. I did not get past the first line so whatever point you were making was completely lost. I hope however, that expressing your righteous indignation made you feel a wee bit better?

Can you point to the board rule that requires anyone here to conform to your idea of acceptable grammar and linguistic aptitude?

I'm really starting to feel like your interaction on this thread is more about asserting your own need to talk about your relationship dysfunctions than anything to do with myself.

Aren't you capable of starting a conversation on your own and having it about these terrible things you need to discuss? Does it really have to be with us?

 

[Natja]

Actually, for some reason, neither multi quote, bold, or any other button is working properly for me right now. It might be the laptop I am on, it might be a website glitch.

Ok, I am sorry. That is fair enough.

Either way, I was saying that your responses to this particular OP who is doing everything right only highlight your inherent bias against triads,

Actually, my bias is about them sharing a room, not the triad, I just think this woman's situation would be worse if they got into a triad.

probably caused by a string of failed relationships

,

Wrong and more petty than anything I have said to you btw.

thus the OP (and anyone else reading the thread) should ignore your little rants about triads that are irrelevant to his situation and pity you.

You are free to do what you wish London, you know I couldn't care less.

And, by the way, you do realise that in the real world (ie off of an internet forum) one uses speech marks to show that a word or phrase has been quoted, right?

No, Iz is stoopid and kno nuffin...*drool*

The post was in one long block London, I couldn't be bothered to read it, it had nothing to do with you using quotation marks.

 

[london]

No, the post is in three distinct paragraphs, the longest of which is six lines. If that confuddles you, my bad....

 

[JaneQSmythe]

... but then not all of us are lucky enough to have multiple living areas. I live in a flat, one living area and bedrooms - that's it! You are in a much more privileged position than most yanno.

If you say so. Three adults + pets living in a one-story one-bedroom no-basement house doesn't seem that excessive to me - I don't know that I, personally, would consider our two rooms "multiple living areas"...but, whatever.

(Then again, I live out in the country so you can pretty much get as much housing as you want dirt cheap if you don't care what kind of condition it's in, just keep lining up the broken down trailers - when there are three houses in a 5 mile radius, then space isn't exactly at a premium - although you have to watch you don't hook up too much to the well - hate to run out of water half-way through a shower and have to wait an hour for the well to refill so you can rinse the soap off).

JaneQ

 

[Natja]

I have 9,3,3 actually. It was the nine that taxed my poor feeble brain.

 

[Knightshade]

to end the threadjack, thanks to those who have been welcoming, hopefully we'll have further useful and instructive conversations.

 

[Natja]

If you say so. Three adults + pets living in a one-story one-bedroom no-basement house doesn't seem that excessive to me - I don't know that I, personally, would consider our two rooms "multiple living areas"...but, whatever.

I live in a huge city any property with more than one living room here is considered pretty posh! I know cultural dissonance....

(Then again, I live out in the country so you can pretty much get as much housing as you want dirt cheap if you don't care what kind of condition it's in, just keep lining up the broken down trailers - when there are three houses in a 5 mile radius, then space isn't exactly at a premium).

JaneQ

This is unknown to us.

However, like I said before, I appreciate that I might be more precious (in a scary Gollum way) about needing my private space than other people and I can see how your situation within your family works well for you.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I live in a huge city any property with more than one living room here is considered pretty posh! I know cultural dissonance....
...
This is unknown to us.

However, like I said before, I appreciate that I might be more precious (in a scary Gollum way) about needing my private space than other people and I can see how your situation within your family works well for you.

Yeah, cultural dissonance - I thought that might be the case. I lived in a big city for 4 years for school - we found a BIG crappy apartment in a shitty part of town with porches and a yard and a basement and I STILL felt crowded. Lived in the suburbs for a while - still too many people (I could stand in my driveway and see eight other houses).

I think that city mouse/country mouse thing also feeds into the need for "private space". If you live in a city with people crammed around you all of the time, then having a "cave" to call your own to escape to is probably a much bigger deal. For me, if I want to get away from people now (including the two that live with me) - well I have 20+ acres of woods and fields to be absolutely alone in (and another 200+ I am free to roam if I don't mind that there may be another person or two utilizing the same space from time to time).

Reminds me...MrS was going to hang up that hammock for me. I'm setting up an outdoor private reading nook for when the boys want to play loud music and I want quiet - I think that I should go remind him. Pretty cool - I picked a grove of trees where I can't see/hear the house but am still within range of our wifi internet so I can take my laptop.

JaneQ

"There are lots of kinds of people in the world. And, I...I'm not like other girls."

 

[Natja]

I think that city mouse/country mouse thing also feeds into the need for "private space". If you live in a city with people crammed around you all of the time, then having a "cave" to call your own to escape to is probably a much bigger deal.

Yes this is it exactly!!! I am extroverted but sometimes I need to be alone and the idea of not having any space that I can escape to is pretty depressing.

For me, if I want to get away from people now (including the two that live with me) - well I have 20+ acres of woods and fields to be absolutely alone in (and another 200+ I am free to roam if I don't mind that there may be another person or two utilizing the same space from time to time).

My building would horrify you.

 

[northhome]

Aren't you capable of starting a conversation on your own and having it about these terrible things you need to discuss?

If past actions are an indication of future behaviour, no.

Does it really have to be with us?

I'm afraid so. There are a few board members who just wait to pounce on anything that looks like a triad in the making and use it as an opportunity to vent their bitterness. It's a bit sad really.

But that's the price one pays for an anonymous message board

Take what you need and leave the rest I suggest....

 

[Natja]

But that's the price one pays for an anonymous message board

I can guarantee I am one of the least anonymous people on this thread, if not the board actually. And I am 100% consistent with my comments and beliefs on all my posts online and in person. But believe what you like.

 

[Knightshade]

If past actions are an indication of future behaviour, no.



I'm afraid so. There are a few board members who just wait to pounce on anything that looks like a triad in the making and use it as an opportunity to vent their bitterness. It's a bit sad really.

But that's the price one pays for an anonymous message board

Take what you need and leave the rest I suggest....

The humor I find in the outright thread jack she represents is pretty fierce. And the juxtaposition of the response to my post and the very next threat that she posted on. Eh well. It's not any worse than the bbs days, at least I never have to avoid this person in public.

And yeah I realize there are ideals and lifestyles here that really wouldn't work for me. In pagan circles poly is a frequent lifestyle choice, so I've been 'around' it for a very long time without being part of it in any direct manner. So far we're happy, I really feel like I'm here for information, not validation. If I needed anyone to validate my life choices I'd still be Christian, and living in my old hometown, probably married to the first girl I ever had sex with after I married her. Thankfully I chose a different path, and so far that path has been a lot of fun.

 

[Magdlyn]

Knightshade, I asked upthread but it got lost. Do you plan on being out to your dad that lives with you? Will he be aware a 2nd woman is now sharing your lives and bedroom?

Since your wife broke up with OF for social pressure reasons, is she over that now? Does she plan on being out as bi and poly to your local friends and family now? I mean, Dad and housemate will realize. Is that all groovy and cool now?

 

[Knightshade]

Knightshade, I asked upthread but it got lost. Do you plan on being out to your dad that lives with you? Will he be aware a 2nd woman is now sharing your lives and bedroom?

Since your wife broke up with OF for social pressure reasons, is she over that now? Does she plan on being out as bi and poly to your local friends and family now? I mean, Dad and housemate will realize. Is that all groovy and cool now?

Sorry, I did mean to respond to this.

Yes he's already been informed. My dad is a constant ass personality wise, but life view wise he's always been a live and let live type. And if he does develop any issues with it, (his problems aren't physical, more mental) then he can always live in a retired person's community or apt nearby. As it stands we kinda want that anyway, the only reason he's here is family obligation, not really any deeper reason.

The family it would have impacted the most, that she cared for, have all passed. Her sibling is very vocally 'bi' and her parents may tweak a little but deal. I've actually already discussed it with my godmother, who's one of the smarter women in my family, and she's fine with it as long as I'm not getting hurt by it. Part of my vows that I've always taken very seriously is that by marrying my wife I mad this my family, first in everything in my life. If someone wants to tear at it or destroy it, then they make themselves my enemy. OF may have a bit of a problem with her parents, but that's something we can avoid for a while. In the end, we all want this.

Also, my wife asked about the space issue, and she informed us that it's not an issue. Once again it's fairly unique situation, if it wasn't, I probably wouldn't be in anything like it otherwise, nor would my wife.

 

[dingedheart]

I have no personal experience with Triads or moving a lesbain lover into my home ....only what Ive read here or the like...so I wont suggest possible mistakes. I will suggest you read and see the many that have failed....or rather find the one that succeeded.


Have you and your wife, and gf discussed the topic of hierarchies?

i confronted her again about this void between us, something as a male I didn't feel like I was meeting for her.

Have you ever considered it wasn't an actual gender thing ...but the fact she settled. She settled for the safe " societal " choice. She gave up the person ...not just the sex organs to play with. The stigma of for her to be out was too great so she chose the safe route...the second choice. Will you be ok being a secondary partner to your wife ?

 

[Knightshade]

I have no personal experience with Triads or moving a lesbain lover into my home ....only what Ive read here or the like...so I wont suggest possible mistakes. I will suggest you read and see the many that have failed....or rather find the one that succeeded.


Have you and your wife, and gf discussed the topic of hierarchies?




Have you ever considered it wasn't an actual gender thing ...but the fact she settled. She settled for the safe " societal " choice. She gave up the person ...not just the sex organs to play with. The stigma of for her to be out was too great so she chose the safe route...the second choice. Will you be ok being a secondary partner to your wife ?

One of my favorite character quotes: Han Solo, "Never tell me the odds." The odds on this situation existing are already at the lottery level. I've not read one single anecdotal experience that even reasonably compares. As for moving her in, it would be more disruptive not to in my opinion, and it is what she wants in her life.

I don't feel comfortable speaking for my wife in regards to how she feels about her loves. I can say that when we met, dated, and married if that was settling it was the most bizarre form of settling I've ever witnessed. The culmination of our marriage took a lot of work and effort. Not something I'd really see someone doing if they were just settling.

If you mean will I be ok no longer being her only partner? Absolutely. I would have kept my big mouth shut if for any reason it bothered me. She never brought this up to me in any sort of fashion until after we'd discussed it over literal years, with me being the person who broached the subject. I know my shortcomings in several areas, and I saw needs that I wasn't meeting, that in theory someone else might meet. I saw something she had been holding onto for a long while and told her I would be ok with her figuring it out. It wouldn't be love if I did anything else, it'd be some sort of twisted slavery and I'm not into that.

If you meant hierarchy, there is no real reason for that. We plan on being a breeding pair, we have no plans to part or disrupt our union. OF will flow into the place she's meant to be in, however that materializes isn't for me to say.

If it was 'right' to me we would be co-equal in my wife's heart, that's the ideal. That's for her to feel and know and do though. I just get to experience it.