The next step

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LaMeduse

New member
Hello,

I'm new to this forum; I've registered because I have nowhere to turn for experienced advice on the question of polyamory.

I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

My husband (38) and I (29) have been happily married for five years and we're both surprised every day by how much more we love one another. It's really great. But our greatest differences lie in the matters of sexuality and relationships. He seems to truly be monogamous at heart, straight, he has never been very tactile, doesn't need frequent sex, and doesn't have a lot of need for human companionship. (This is all relative, of course.)

I, on the other hand, identify as a queer woman with a propensity towards polyamory who desires a lot of physical intimacy with other people. This has been the only persistent problem in our relationship, but clearly a substantial one.

A year ago, I broached the subject of opening our marriage. At first he was really upset, but it has since been a continuous discussion that has opened us up to new depths of communication and sharing. Then two months ago, he agreed to my having other sexual partners (still being very uncomfortable with the idea of poly). But I know he agreed to this reluctantly, and I can't bring myself to act upon the arrangement knowing he's not really on board. At the same time, suppressing who I am and the needs/desires that come with that is making me feel miserable, which, in turn, hurts him because obviously that's not what he wants. Arrrgh! What to do?

Thanks very much for taking the time to read about my dilemma!
 
This is something that seems to happen a lot. One member of a couple wants to try polyamory for whatever reason; the other says "Okay, as long as it's only sexual."

Aside from "only sexual" not really being polyamory... you can't make rules and regulations about emotions. Emotions happen.

I realized I was polyamorous because Hubby and I had an open marriage. We were smart enough not to say "We're not allowed to fall in love with other partners," because we both recognized that isn't how emotions work, but we did say "If one of us thinks we're falling in love with another partner, we have to cut ties with that person." We made sure anyone we had sex with was informed of that policy before sex happened, so they could walk away if they didn't want to deal with it.

Six months in, I realized I was in love with a guy who'd been a FWB when he was in our area on business, and with whom I kept in frequent touch after he went home. I went to Hubby and told him I was going to cut ties with the guy, per our agreement, and Hubby said no, he didn't want me to, that he believed I could love both him and the other guy and he was okay with me doing so.

Point being, I *tried* not to fall in love with anyone else. I tried to deny it when I realized it was happening. But it happened anyway. You can't expect emotions to obey rules.

Your husband sounds a lot like Hubby. Hubby is very physically affectionate, but mostly hugs and cuddling. Sex is kind of a "take it or leave it" thing for him; he greatly enjoys having it, but doesn't particularly care if he doesn't have it. Whereas I would be quite happy having sex almost every day, maybe even more than once a day, if possible. And Hubby, while not entirely "vanilla", skews more that way, while I skew more toward kink, so I'm interested in doing or trying things he isn't comfortable with *for himself* but has no objection to me wanting to do.

That's why we ended up with an open marriage to begin with; after a few years of me wrangling with Hubby trying to get him to understand that I wasn't okay with having to follow along with his sexual interests and sex drive while he ignored mine, he suggested other partners as a way to address the disparity. Fortunately for me, not only did Hubby understand that emotions don't follow rules, but he also realized that I am actually capable of being in love with more than one person without shortchanging anyone. And he wants me to feel loved and wanted and happy, so if poly does that for me, he's completely on board.

My situation is different, though, in that *Hubby* was the one who suggested opening the marriage, even though it was for my benefit; and *Hubby* was the one who said, "I'm okay with you loving him, it's polyamory, like in the Robert Heinlein novels." (Thank goodness he's a sci fi geek...) If I'd suggested it, I'm not sure he would have been as on board with it.

I hope your husband will get to that point, or at least to the point where he understands that telling you "it can only be sex, you aren't allowed to love anyone else" is unreasonable.
 
LaMeduse said:
Then two months ago, he agreed to my having other sexual partners (still being very uncomfortable with the idea of poly). But I know he agreed to this reluctantly, and I can't bring myself to act upon the arrangement knowing he's not really on board.
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Not to mention that it's not actually what you're after. If you want/need poly, don't settle for a sex only arrangement in the hope that it'll eventually loosen up into poly. If, on the other hand, a sex only thing will tick all your boxes then you can either try to work with hubby to get him more comfortable with the idea, or if he insists on being a martyr and saying he's happy with it when he's not, then tell him that you're going to take him at his word and it's up to him to deal with his emotional fallout afterward (option not recommended).
 
Thanks for the replies!

Emm said:
...tell him that you're going to take him at his word and it's up to him to deal with his emotional fallout afterward (option not recommended).
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This is exactly where we are now and I don't like it. He says he will just see if he can deal with it once something has happened, but I don't feel like it's a good path. Although I did kiss someone under this arrangement and he seemed to deal with it pretty well. Still, once it moves into the territory of actual sex I have my doubts...

KC43 said:
If one of us thinks we're falling in love with another partner, we have to cut ties with that person.
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Even though I'm not actively seeking an emotional connection with anyone besides him, we both know that emotions are funny things and I really don't want to have an arrangement like that. To me, it's like saying "okay, you can eat oranges but if you start to like them you have to stop." And he doesn't want to do that either because he really, really loves me to the point where he doesn't want to stop me from exploring and enjoying myself. Which is a beautiful thing, but I equally don't want to be a source of irreparable anguish to him, and I certainly don't want to risk our relationship/marriage.

I don't exactly know if I'm capable of loving multiple people because I've never tried, although I do sincerely think it would be possible. But I don't know how to truly assure him that he will always be my crown jewel and while I can't vow not to develop romantic connections with other humans, I can absolutely promise that our relationship is first and foremost.

What a strange dilemma this all is.
 
Note that the bit you quoted from my previous post was our agreement *at first*, when we were trying to have an open marriage purely for sexual purposes. And it was actually my suggestion. I'd done a lot of reading and research on poly and open relationships, and had a number of friends and acquaintances involved in those types of arrangements. I'd also seen over half a dozen marriages completely implode because they were "just open marriages for sex" that ended up with one spouse falling in love with another partner and leaving the other spouse. (Mono mindset...can't have more than one love interest, so you have to choose.) We both were fully aware that emotions are unpredictable and we couldn't dictate how we were or weren't allowed to *feel*, but we could dictate what we would do about it if it happened.

*At that time* when Hubby and I first opened the marriage, because we intended it to be only for sex, keeping our marriage intact and stable was our primary goal. So we made agreements like no other partners allowed in our home, no canceling plans with each other to see someone else--and if we fell in love with another partner, we had to cut ties with them so that love wouldn't interfere with the marriage.

As I said, though, when it actually came to that being a reality, everything changed. I told Hubby I was in love with someone else and would cut ties with that person; Hubby said, "No, don't, this is okay with me."
 
This is exactly where we are now and I don't like it. He says he will just see if he can deal with it once something has happened, but I don't feel like it's a good path. Although I did kiss someone under this arrangement and he seemed to deal with it pretty well. Still, once it moves into the territory of actual sex I have my doubts...
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Yeah, that is a horrible path. I won't say it never works out, but the likelihood of failure is extremely high and it is hard to recover from that. The uncertain partner usually does everything they can to try and control that relationship.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

But I know he agreed to this reluctantly, and I can't bring myself to act upon the arrangement knowing he's not really on board.
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If you value being in right relationship the most, what prevents you both from changing the conversation topic? Stop talking about Opening the Marriage? Start talking about having an amicable divorce instead? :confused:

He doesn't seem thrilled with Opening the marriage, and you don't seem thrilled with it either when his consent doesn't seem sincere (?) or seems to be going against his grain (?) You also have concerns that going down that path would be the wrong way to go.

I might be wrong, but it's not sounding like "Let's do poly because really love poly/want to poly now!" at this time To me it sounds more like "let's (do poly) to see if it can help us keep (being married)."

What do you value more? Keeping the shape (marriage) or keeping the well being of the people inside the shape? (You and him?)

You are not willing or able to continue to be together as friends? Is a healthy break up where you can stay in right relationship and are friends just not possible/preferable in this situation? Rather than do something both seem "meh" on and risking making a poly mess and end up hating each other? :(

Sometimes I think the most loving thing one can do is become willing to let something does not fit end (the marriage shape), so something that DOES fit can happen (friendship shape) so a good relationship can continue in a way that isn't causing pain.

Maybe rethink this in a different way? "How can we proceed so we preserve our good relationship" rather than "how can we proceed so we preserve the marriage shape?"

Galagirl
 
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It is possible to have sex with others and not fall in love. Swingers, who value casual sex, do things like this

Only fuck someone once
Avoid eye contact
Do not kiss
Not much conversation, if any. No sharing food. Just sex, and then leave.

Even then, some swingers end up poly because if you find someone compatible enough to be attracted to and want to have sex with, why would you dump them after one encounter?

There are 2 schools of thought on Opening. Your h isn't yeehaw on board about it, but perhaps willing to have things progress slowly so he can develop coping skills as you make acquaintances with others, and have some limited sexual contact. Some couples newly Open make an agreement (also with agreement of the OSO), to progress slowly, from dates with no touching, to hand holding, kissing, petting, oral, intercourse. Some couples will agree to reserve certain behaviors to themselves only (anal sex or kink activities, for example).

GalaGirl might disagree, but having your h only cautiously on board may not mean all or nothing, you do poly but end the marriage. He might get used to it over time. He might learn to keep himself busy when you're out. He might do things to increase his self esteem, lessen envy and jealousy, and learn compersion (joy at your joy). It can be a rather lengthy process. So be ready for that. Sometimes counseling is needed.

Unequal sexual desire in a mono couple is a HUGE issue that is not often addressed. Even if you just "fall in like" with someone else you are fucking, it should (or could) be a burden off your h's shoulders to have a wife happy, relaxed and fulfilled sexually, instead of tense, bitter and frustrated!

You just need to be a good "hinge" between h and your potential OSO. Make sure you make the effort to meet both their needs for sex, romance, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, etc. It doesn't have to be equal but it does have to be fair.

BTW, it's not a great idea to make the agreement the "marriage will always come first." You can not predict you won't grow to love another just as much as you love your h... and want to commit to them as well, see them often, even 50/50, etc.
 
Hi LaMeduse,

It seems to me that in your marriage, your husband is going to be unhappy, or you're going to be unhappy, or you're both going to be unhappy. I don't know of any words to convince your husband to like the idea of polyamory, any more than I know of words that would convince you to dislike the idea of polyamory. It's possible I might think of something you could say if you could go into more detail about what you and your husband have said to each other so far.

I suppose it's possible your husband will gradually be okay with it if you ease into poly a little at a time. But be very cautious if you try to go down that road.

Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We have had a breakthrough!

After another long discussion last night, and watching a couple of videos by Christopher Ryan, my husband has realized for himself that jealously is not insurmountable, and quite often not even warranted. Of course I still think things will be a bit different when something actually happens, but he is ready and willing to cross that bridge.

It was hard to contain my excitement when he finally (after a year of reflection) gave me his blessing and consent, but I smiled and hugged him and told him it made me very happy.

So I'll go ahead and not contain my excitement here, if you don't mind:
EEEEEEEEEEEKKK! YAY! WOOHOO! :eek: :p :D Haha.
 
Glad you guys have come up with something both are willing to try.

I hope things work out as you hope they do.

GL!
Galagirl
 
LaMeduse said:
Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband and I just started a Poly relationship with my friend. I never imagine I would be in this situation but he has the best of both worlds. It started with a night of drinking and well you know how things go. We all 3 enjoyed it so much that we decided to do it sober. We kept spending more time together and realized that it was to nice to let go as a one crazy weekend. Now we spend all of our time together a 3 and as individual couples. He stays with her, I stay with her, we all stay together. Do you know how fast you can clean and cook with 2 women? lol. Good luck on your quest. Maybe instead of having an open marriage you can find that other soul mate that you and your husband can both enjoy together!
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