Hello, I was just wondering what would be a good way to prepare a potential partner for all the trauma me and my partner have been through? My partner has BPD and all the things that comes with it. I have trauma from SA from an early age. I only recently started opening up about what happened to me. I want her to be able to find a meaningful relationship. I want to be involved but I don't want the relationship to be threesomes and all that. I want her to be able to get something she is currently not receiving from me. She needs someone slow and sensual. Someone soft where I am hard. We need the ying to my yang to help balance her emotional needs. I feel like I am lacking in my ability to give her everything she deserves in the emotional department.
The not so good, the bad and the ugly
- Thread starter MnMs
- Start date
Are you a female asking about sharing a gf with a male partner? It would help me to understand if that is the case.
Are you thinking of a FMF "V" shaped relationship, where you and the other F are friends, and you are both having sex with the M?
If you are not deeply emotionally involved with the new person, I'd think your past trauma with SA shouldn't be too much of an issue. However, your male partner's (if that's the case) struggles with borderline personality disorder could be taxing for his new partner. Those of us with loved ones with this condition know how hard it is. If he is undergoing treatment and working on coping skills, that would help a lot. But this condition is notoriously hard to treat.
If you are "yang" and "hard," are you male? Or just a hardened female, or another gender (non-binary)? Would you please clarify?
I am a male. We are trying to open up to having another female involved. My SA causes me to be extremely adverse to males, and even the thought of trans females. I don't want to be touched by them, or anything.
But you don't want threesomes so there's already no question of you being touched by whoever she finds to date. So just roll with whomever she does pick. Trust her.
I did some research on this. I appreciate you educating me on the other post I made. I think it would be a primary MFF V-shaped relationship, until they are both emotionally established and can "catch up" to the same emotional levels. I want it to be a fair and equal relationship, where my partner can gain what is currently lacking. I love her very much, but I know that I lack a lot of soft touches. I have tried adjusting myself, but this was not the move for either of us. (It never is.) Essentially, I am bench pressing a lot of emotions that are too heavy for me and I need a spotter.
You be upfront. Even better, you deal with it before you start dating more people. It's very possible to heal. Lots of people do.
Thank you. Yes, I am healing, and so is she. I don't know if you have any familiarity with BPD, but it comes with a lot of emotions that are hard for me to navigate alone. I think bringing in someone to help with the weight of it will help with the healing process. It's a complicated mess but hey, it's life. I am healing in my way by being open and taking away the power it has over me. I just don't ever want to be touched by a man sexually again.
She is actually more attracted to women then men. I'm not like forcing her into it or anything. I'm not sure she would ever admit it to me, but we have been together for 10 years. She also expressed desires to bring me into the loop, so I want to be comfortable with it.
Okay. So you are a guy who has been a victim of sexual abuse from a person with a penis.
Your partner is a woman who has borderline personality disorder.
You do not want another romantic partner for yourself?
Your wife is seeking a female partner, which you like, because you wouldn't want a male partner of hers coming around, at all.
I guess you are straight, so even if you hadn't suffered SA, you wouldn't want to have sex with another male.
Are you being treated for your PTSD? Is your wife being treated for her BPD?
You'd be happy for your wife to find a gf. She prefers women to men anyway, and she'd really like a lover with a "soft touch," or softer than you.
However, your wife has BPD, and for some reason, you think a new partner for her should take her on, with all that entails, and by the way, help you "navigate" your wife's illness, help you both with "the weight of it."
Is that really fair to a new partner to have to bear that responsibility? Isn't that the role of a therapist? I mean, yes, the fantasy that this new woman would take some of the pressure off of you of your wife's overly dramatic emotions would be nice, but most people are not going to enjoy that kind of flood/hurricane of extreme moods, tears, rages, tantrums, irrationality, love turning to hate, and back to love, etc.
(I have an adult daughter who was born with this condition, so I know what it's like. She got a bit better after years of treatment, but from the age of 15-26, she used to self-harm, had bulimia, abused substances, lied to people, stole from them, betrayed them, used them for what she could get from them, then dumped them.)
Your partner is a woman who has borderline personality disorder.
You do not want another romantic partner for yourself?
Your wife is seeking a female partner, which you like, because you wouldn't want a male partner of hers coming around, at all.
I guess you are straight, so even if you hadn't suffered SA, you wouldn't want to have sex with another male.
Are you being treated for your PTSD? Is your wife being treated for her BPD?
You'd be happy for your wife to find a gf. She prefers women to men anyway, and she'd really like a lover with a "soft touch," or softer than you.
However, your wife has BPD, and for some reason, you think a new partner for her should take her on, with all that entails, and by the way, help you "navigate" your wife's illness, help you both with "the weight of it."
Is that really fair to a new partner to have to bear that responsibility? Isn't that the role of a therapist? I mean, yes, the fantasy that this new woman would take some of the pressure off of you of your wife's overly dramatic emotions would be nice, but most people are not going to enjoy that kind of flood/hurricane of extreme moods, tears, rages, tantrums, irrationality, love turning to hate, and back to love, etc.
(I have an adult daughter who was born with this condition, so I know what it's like. She got a bit better after years of treatment, but from the age of 15-26, she used to self-harm, had bulimia, abused substances, lied to people, stole from them, betrayed them, used them for what she could get from them, then dumped them.)
I will go ahead and address this. No, it's not fair, and for anyone entering the relationship I want them to know what it is they are getting into. I don't expect it to be easy.
Not my wife, by the by, but might as well be. lol
I don't have ptsd. I don't think I ever have. I made my peace with what happened. It took decades to unpack, but the more I talk about it, the less it does anything.
We have seen therapists. We have done counseling. We are healing. She is medicated. I appreciate you approaching this from a place of education instead of what some medical literature would suggest that bpd is. I know I made it sound bad, but I am trying to approach this in the most fair, caring and ethical way. As you know, bpd gets better but it doesn't go away, so I want to be able to prepare anyone coming in to this.
I explored my sexuality in middle/high school (early 2000s) because I liked a lot of "gay" things. Yeah, I'm straight.
I understand your concerns though, and they are my concerns as well, which is why I reached out.
Why is it your responsibility to let all potential dating partners of your partner know about her medical condition? Isn't that her responsibility?
(Sorry I said wife. Let's give her a nickname. What would you like to use?)
Okay, great. If you have thoroughly dealt with your past abuse by men/a man, why bring it up in relation to your partner dating women? I don't see the relevance. Maybe you once thought that polyamory required group sex/threesomes, and if your partner dated another man, you and he would have to have sex too?
Just to be clear to everyone reading this, polyamory does not mean "group sex," or "threesomes," for people of any gender. Most poly people date and have sex independently.
That's awesome. I hope you both feel stable and healthy enough for your partner to start dating others without overburdening them with her health problems. I mean, we all have health problems, some more than others. And as we age, those health problems mount up. That's just life, as you put it. But each of us bears the responsibility for our own health care. Our friends, families, spouses and partners can help, but shouldn't have to do too much, that is, until we are so old we are basically crippled, have dementia, and so on.
Most new relationships should start out as fun and not be all about fights, misunderstandings, drama, door slamming, sarcastic texts, tears, sexy passion one day and blows the next, etc. Those would all be red flags.
Again, it's not up to you, personally, to prepare any of your partner's potential dating partners for her medical condition. She could be upfront herself with anyone who seems to be shaping up to be a real partner, after 2-4 dates, say. And of course, she should tell them she is polyamorous, and new to it, from early conversations be fully transparent.
I understand. The burden is not mine to bear. I have just gotten to the point that I have started internalizing it as our problem instead of her problem. Something to unpack there. I might just go hands off on this, kinda like you're suggesting. I will keep giving her gentle pushes to pursue it and help where I can, but finding someone who enjoys being with her "baggage" and all is up to her.
Hello MnMs,
You could come right out and tell a potential partner what trauma and mental health issues you and your partner have. There are books you can read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a good one for BPD. It sounds like you are truly caring for your partner's needs, you are willing to share and that is admirable.
Regards,
Kevin T.
You could come right out and tell a potential partner what trauma and mental health issues you and your partner have. There are books you can read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a good one for BPD. It sounds like you are truly caring for your partner's needs, you are willing to share and that is admirable.
Regards,
Kevin T.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Hi and welcome to the forum.
How long were you mono together?
How long was the planning phase before you decided to open?
How did you and your gf/SO come to the idea of having an open or poly relationship? Specifically whose idea is this, with all the associated trauma and mental issues?
How long were you mono together?
How long was the planning phase before you decided to open?
You used 3 “I wants,” and 1 “I don’t want,” and 1 “she needs.“ What does your partner want or think she needs? Or are you doing this for her own good? Because your words are very declarative.
Why can’t you adjust your yang a little? How or why do you think adding more people to the mix is going to help, unless you’re tired of carrying this load? Is it less about yang and more about offloading some of the burden?
Is that her feeling as well?
I don’t understand why you’d need to push, gently or otherwise on this. Perhaps support or offer suggestions, but pushing sounds like you have a motive or agenda.
I'm not sure why these keep feeling less helpful and more like an inquisition. We are still in an early phase of this. We have not opened the relationship yet. I started bringing up the idea when she started exhibiting a pattern of wanting women. I told her awhile ago (two-ish years) I would be okay with it, but our town is small (less than 1k people) so it's hard to navigate.
We were and are still currently mono. We are still early on in this journey.
It sounds declarative because it's from my perspective. While I understand her wants and needs, I'm searching for advice on how to navigate a difficult conversation when it comes up. I'm not here searching for a date.
I have adjusted my yang to the furthest yin position I can get, but I'm still not able to fully encapsulate everything she has stated she needs from me sometimes.
She wants to pursue someone, but there is definitely a fear of rejection on her part, hence the light push. People have made her feel unworthy of love and pursuing things she needs. Right now, no, she doesn't feel like she needs another partner. But later today, or next week, she might.
The problem is her crippling fear of rejection and abandonment, so I'm trying to let her know its okay to want something and to pursue it and enjoy it without feeling guilty.
I have told her numerous times I don't want to be involved unless it's on their terms. This is 95% about her finding someone she can build another relationship with. 3%, I will admit, is it's sexy, and the other 2% is it will help with an emotional weight. That's why this post was called the not so good.
I want to get in front of negatives as much as possible, and help clear "obstacles" so she can be authentic, and so that a potential partner can see a kind and caring adult instead of the scared little girl that comes out when she feels discarded and unheard. I know I can't shield her forever, and I don't want to, but I want her to have a fair shot at finding something real, without mental health labels defining her.
Her name is Megan.
FeralGeek
Active member
Sorry about that. I feel like we tend to both be very thorough in our analysis of a situation (for they tend to be complicated and nuanced), and bedside manner suffers because of it. Also, we suffer a lot of fools who think polyamory is a shortcut to threesomes.
Preparing people ahead of time, planning on clever ways to soften the blow of the reality of the situation, feels too much to me like, “No really, I’m worth all the insane baggage and responsibility that I come with,” and that’s a bad place to start from, you know? You risk feeling indebted to them (no matter how they treat you) because they were initially willing to put up with your nonsense. I think it can too easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy for everyone involved.
I say be honest with yourself and all potential partners, and do so without shame. Give people a chance to pleasantly surprise you and if it bothers them, don’t date ‘em! You (both) deserve to be with people because of who you are, not in spite of it.
(If they honestly sound like they’re underestimating something, by all means educate them. Just don’t take away their agency by “leading the witness.” Let them make their own choice about how much they’re willing to be involved.)
MoPoly
Active member
Does Megan actually want you to act as a go-between?
I appreciate you feel very protective about her, but ultimately she needs to be herself with a prospective new partner for the new relationship to work and for her to be happy and comfortable with it. And vice versa. My concern would be that your upfront discussions could come across as an unintended ‘warning’ about Megan and put you across as a ‘controlling partner’ - which is what I think @FeralGeek was getting at. Neither of which are attractive traits for a prospective partner.
The new relationship will be about - and between - Megan and new person. Megan will be the hinge between you. As the attraction starts to grow between them, so (usually) they’ll start to trust and reveal more about themselves to each other. And at this point Megan should reveal her BPD diagnosis.
I don’t think your SA would be relevant to the new relationship.
Even if you ‘pre-warn’ prospective partners, that still doesn’t guarantee that a relationship or few won’t flounder, so Megan still has to be prepared to face that, deal with that and grow. Sometimes overprotecting the people we love delays their growth and makes living life harder for them. Perhaps it’s best to give Megan lots of love, support and encouragement, but let her ‘do’ her new relationship herself.
FeralGeek
Active member
Seconded. The best of intentions often lead to undesirable outcomes. Even if you both WANT this to lead to better, more comfortable interactions doesn’t necessarily mean that this is the best way of achieving your actual goals.