Thanks YouAreHere and Vicki82 for dropping by!
I
was feeling a bit snarky when I made those last two posts - but I think that may because I came to poly long before the internet was here to bring like-minded people together - practicing my own brand of solo poly in high school and college and having to explain/demonstrate the concept to anyone I met that I shared an interest in. It was simply not a known concept in many parts of the country!
But, this is how it started out for all of us. I imagine it's considerably harder to consider a co-nesting model when opening up a previously monogamous relationship, especially if kids are involved.
I would imagine that you are correct! Since I have always identified as poly I never had to make that paradigm shift, personally. All of the people that did decide to make that shift to be with me knew, from the beginning, that true monogamy was never on the table. If we had children they would have been born after we were already practiced in poly - so that would have been a consideration from the beginning, rather than a change.
As for dating newbies, I guess it's a bullet dodged from the beginning? If a potential partner doesn't have time or desire to go through the emotional work it can take to have a relationship with someone new to poly, then the newbie will probably have a hard time in a relationship with them.
I guess I feel that every relationship has a learning curve - whether your partner has a different relationship orientation (poly), different religion or philosophy, come from a different culture or socioeconomic strata, different political or economic views, different ways to handle money, etc. Poly is just one of a long list of potential incompatibilities.
MrS was NOT good with money when we got together, whereas I am very frugal - that was probably a bigger paradigm shift for him than the poly one was (he was intellectually poly-friendly even if he hadn't been formally introduced to the concept). Is the (VERY common) conflict over money really any less of a hurdle than poly?
I get the irritation, though; it's like an entry-level job that requires 5 years of experience. What, now? You might miss some really good people.
Bingo!!! (ding, ding, ding) How do you get started if you never have the opportunity to start? I was fortunate that I formed my poly philosophy (thanks to Heinlein) before I was ever invested in a relationship - so I was able to shape the trajectory of my sexual/relational life from the very beginning
If a friendship/closeness doesn't "click", then I'm not going to try to force it. Too much effort when I have other people in my life who I really do want to make time to see. If a meta pushes for more than I'm ready/able to give, it feels pushy, presumptuous, and like expectations need some managing.
Yup. I would put metas in the same category as my friends' spouses/significant others, or our extended families. If I don't mind hanging out with them (and they with me!
) then that expands the opportunities to hand out with my friend, partner, family member. If I don't like being around them - then I will decline invitations/opportunities when the are present. One of the reasons that I love my BFF SLeW is that she ALWAYS lets me know if there will be other people present, who they are, and that I am free to decline. (She knows ALL of my introvert triggers - I can wait weeks to see her alone - she can always FaceTime me or ask me to stop it for a short hug if she misses my face.)
...I'm not even in a cranky mood today, but I think that last paragraph sounded that way. Whoops.
Didn't sound cranky to me! Simple statement of fact/observation.
I dunno. I can see it from both sides, with regards to the newbies.
I think the majority of newbies make similar mistakes early in their poly journey, and those mistakes often leave their partners as collateral damage. I can understand not wanting to take the risk that someone's partner is going to pull a veto, or that they'll decide poly isn't for them, or any of a number of other mistakes that would just leave me with heartache.
I agree that poly newbies make the same mistakes that previous poly newbies have made - at this stage of my life I expect and wait for them. I am prepared
. This doesn't particularly bother me - BUT, I do not easily invest in relationships, I basically have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the "relationship arena" - I am WAY more comfortable with FWBs! I am not a fan of NRE, and "feelings" are something that I only ever admit to grudgingly - so..."heartbreak" is not really on my radar. (From MY end, I have learned to be more cognizant that other people do not operate the same way that I do and have learned to mitigate their expectations - I am NOT going to leave my partners(s) for Mr. New-and-Shiny, you are NOT going to "turn me mono", "sweeping me off my feet" would require an industrial strength road-sweeper - so, NO.)
It's not that poly people who have been around the block once or twice are guaranteed not to hurt me, but at least I know they have some idea of what they are getting into. That's the big problem. Someone can have intense feelings for you and you can click well together, but if they don't have a frame of reference for the situation, they can't be sure that even just the relationship style is going to work for them.
Hmmm. (This is my cynical self talking...) I think that poly people who have been around the block once or twice are in danger of THINKING that that they have some idea of what they are getting into...when, in fact, no one EVER does (mono or poly). So they had this one experience that worked with this one person and therefore that is how EVERY situation should work from now on. NO! I am not that other person, I have different needs/wants/desires/priorities.
I've never been in a situation where I already had a connection with someone who was a total newbie- it's been more of the online dating sites where I just prefer not to build that connection. I don't know what I'd do if I already had a spark. I probably would go for it, but with a lot of trepidation.
All of my real "connections" have been with people that I met IRL over the years. I have met a few folks on dating sites, but those have never led to anything more than a brief sexual or social encounter. (I may be too old for this! )
