The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
- Thread starter JaneQSmythe
- Start date
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
So...some stuff happened.
Dude and I had an "off" day that ended with a major blow-out that could have been a deal-breaker. It scared us all.
We had a bad week of not knowing what was going to happen, how we could all "fix" things. We were all miserable and MrS fell into a fit of depression that scared me even more.
Life proceeded. Dude apologized. I got back into counselling. MrS's depression lifted.
We are back, and have learned some lessons from this.
Today....I am feeling happy, loved, blessed, lucky. I have a good friend that I can share my fears and insecurities with (and also joys and happy feelings). I have a counselor who knows my history and proclivities, even if he doesn't understand them. I have boys that really do care about me and want to continue to build life-long bonds.
Work. Will be extra-stress-full for a least the next year. I will need extra support and loves. I will get them. I will make it. (I have before, I will again.) I do need to compartmentalize this. The boys can help me cope with work stress, but they are NOT the cause of it, and don't deserve to be the target of my anger and frustration.
Dude and I had an "off" day that ended with a major blow-out that could have been a deal-breaker. It scared us all.
We had a bad week of not knowing what was going to happen, how we could all "fix" things. We were all miserable and MrS fell into a fit of depression that scared me even more.
Life proceeded. Dude apologized. I got back into counselling. MrS's depression lifted.
We are back, and have learned some lessons from this.
Today....I am feeling happy, loved, blessed, lucky. I have a good friend that I can share my fears and insecurities with (and also joys and happy feelings). I have a counselor who knows my history and proclivities, even if he doesn't understand them. I have boys that really do care about me and want to continue to build life-long bonds.
Work. Will be extra-stress-full for a least the next year. I will need extra support and loves. I will get them. I will make it. (I have before, I will again.) I do need to compartmentalize this. The boys can help me cope with work stress, but they are NOT the cause of it, and don't deserve to be the target of my anger and frustration.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Threesomes - a PlayBook (explicit)
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT think that poly=group sex. I DO think that when people actually consider ALL of their options, they may decide that they like some of them and don't like others...and that is OKAY. Despite the fact that I am polyamourous, bisexual and enjoy group sex - I actually don't consider myself "kinky" (which my boys find hilarious). "Kinky" to me means serious BDSM stuff - I like "regular" (i.e. vanilla) stuff - just with more than one gender, and more than one person, and sometimes with more than one person at the same time
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As usual, this post is inspired by my temptation to write a virtual book in reply to a post. It was suggested that - in the stereotypical scenario of couple = straight guy and bisexual gal - a threesome would be a good way to "ease into" poly. In a word: NO.
IMO - When someone is feeling insecure and sexually-unwanted is a BAD time to try a threesome - any attention that the other person gets is going to get blown WAY out of proportion and someone is bound to feel left out. Group sex should take place in the setting of a.) "and a good time was had by all", no expectations, no worries - the way I imagine swingers approach it, b.) a loving network where everyone is already confident in their relationship and only wants the other(s) to have a good experience.
To be fair, my first intimate encounters with MrS were threesomes with him and his ex-girlfriend (ex- at the time of the encounters, not because of them). BUT - a.) I had no horse in the race other than a sexual thrill with friends and b.) SHE was already comfortable with threesomes although it was my first, and had the sexual confidence to pull it off gracefully.
So, over the past 28 years I have participated in several flavors of three-or-more-somes. Surprisingly, almost all have gone really, REALLY well. (And the others went fine, just no awards - never actually had a bad experience.)
First flavor: BiF-M-BiF - love this one - as one of the F's you get the best of both worlds, some of everything to your taste - furry chest, boobies, penetration, cunnilingus. Key to making this one fly - it's NOT about the M "satisfying" and "paying equal attention to" both women - he can't, he's not equipped. Instead, it's the Women ganging up on the Male, letting him watch them enjoy EACH OTHER, and teasing and torturing him until THEY decide how to "use" him for their pleasure. (sub-flavor - one or both of the F's are straight - but want to "put on a show" for the guy - but still collaboration, NOT competition, is the key)
Second flavor: StraightM-F-StraightM - this one takes a fair amount of confidence on the part of the Ms - but I get ALL the attention, so who is gonna complain? Sometimes they divide me Left/Right, sometimes Up/Down, sometimes I am so turned around I don't know who is where
Third flavor: (which is actually the one that I have the most experience with) BiF-BiF-M - this is different than the first in that the attention is directed to a "guest" to our bed (so, one of my boys and me with a woman - either a friend or a girlfriend - also referred to as "Lady's Choice" as in the Lady (guest) can request who she would like to escort her to bed). Look, I get to sleep with my boys anytime we are in the mood. VV (or Lotus or whomever) only visits occasionally - so we, as hosts, should show them a good time, right? This DOES set up a bit of competition - but the good kind, as in, who can make her moan louder.
Fourth flavor: verging on orgy - Me, BiF, both of my boys +/- anyone else around - find a tasty bit to nuzzle and start wiggling. Every so often someone yells "switch" and you rearrange your parts. I like BiF/BiF/M/M for this - you can do M/F partners and switch and then morph into a M-BiF-BiF-M chain. This definitely is more on the "recreational sex" end (as opposed to "DeepBondingEmotionalShit") but it helps if you all actually like each other, care about everyone having a good time, and don't have anything to prove.
Other flavors: I have been involved with group sex with all Females on occasion - one time it was 3 BiF (but MrS was present and appreciating), one time it was 3 BiF but one excused herself during foreplay because her boyfriend "would get mad" (the other one stayed and we had a good 1:1 evening, one time it was 3 BiF but I FELL ASLEEP so they pushed me aside and had at it.
Then, there are all the variations you can think of in between - think soft porn group sex foreplay and then people peel off for the actual sex with partners of their choice. Oh, and did I tell you about the time that I took MrS, Dude AND MrClean to a strip club and then got a private lap dance?...
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT think that poly=group sex. I DO think that when people actually consider ALL of their options, they may decide that they like some of them and don't like others...and that is OKAY. Despite the fact that I am polyamourous, bisexual and enjoy group sex - I actually don't consider myself "kinky" (which my boys find hilarious). "Kinky" to me means serious BDSM stuff - I like "regular" (i.e. vanilla) stuff - just with more than one gender, and more than one person, and sometimes with more than one person at the same time
********************************************************
As usual, this post is inspired by my temptation to write a virtual book in reply to a post. It was suggested that - in the stereotypical scenario of couple = straight guy and bisexual gal - a threesome would be a good way to "ease into" poly. In a word: NO.
IMO - When someone is feeling insecure and sexually-unwanted is a BAD time to try a threesome - any attention that the other person gets is going to get blown WAY out of proportion and someone is bound to feel left out. Group sex should take place in the setting of a.) "and a good time was had by all", no expectations, no worries - the way I imagine swingers approach it, b.) a loving network where everyone is already confident in their relationship and only wants the other(s) to have a good experience.
To be fair, my first intimate encounters with MrS were threesomes with him and his ex-girlfriend (ex- at the time of the encounters, not because of them). BUT - a.) I had no horse in the race other than a sexual thrill with friends and b.) SHE was already comfortable with threesomes although it was my first, and had the sexual confidence to pull it off gracefully.
So, over the past 28 years I have participated in several flavors of three-or-more-somes. Surprisingly, almost all have gone really, REALLY well. (And the others went fine, just no awards - never actually had a bad experience.)
First flavor: BiF-M-BiF - love this one
- as one of the F's you get the best of both worlds, some of everything to your taste - furry chest, boobies, penetration, cunnilingus. Key to making this one fly - it's NOT about the M "satisfying" and "paying equal attention to" both women - he can't, he's not equipped. Instead, it's the Women ganging up on the Male, letting him watch them enjoy EACH OTHER, and teasing and torturing him until THEY decide how to "use" him for their pleasure. (sub-flavor - one or both of the F's are straight - but want to "put on a show" for the guy - but still collaboration, NOT competition, is the key)Second flavor: StraightM-F-StraightM - this one takes a fair amount of confidence on the part of the Ms - but I get ALL the attention, so who is gonna complain? Sometimes they divide me Left/Right, sometimes Up/Down, sometimes I am so turned around I don't know who is where
Third flavor: (which is actually the one that I have the most experience with) BiF-BiF-M - this is different than the first in that the attention is directed to a "guest" to our bed (so, one of my boys and me with a woman - either a friend or a girlfriend - also referred to as "Lady's Choice" as in the Lady (guest) can request who she would like to escort her to bed). Look, I get to sleep with my boys anytime we are in the mood. VV (or Lotus or whomever) only visits occasionally - so we, as hosts, should show them a good time, right? This DOES set up a bit of competition - but the good kind, as in, who can make her moan louder
. Fourth flavor: verging on orgy - Me, BiF, both of my boys +/- anyone else around - find a tasty bit to nuzzle and start wiggling. Every so often someone yells "switch" and you rearrange your parts. I like BiF/BiF/M/M for this - you can do M/F partners and switch and then morph into a M-BiF-BiF-M chain. This definitely is more on the "recreational sex" end (as opposed to "DeepBondingEmotionalShit") but it helps if you all actually like each other, care about everyone having a good time, and don't have anything to prove.
Other flavors: I have been involved with group sex with all Females on occasion - one time it was 3 BiF (but MrS was present and appreciating), one time it was 3 BiF but one excused herself during foreplay because her boyfriend "would get mad" (the other one stayed and we had a good 1:1 evening
, one time it was 3 BiF but I FELL ASLEEP so they pushed me aside and had at it.Then, there are all the variations you can think of in between - think soft porn group sex foreplay and then people peel off for the actual sex with partners of their choice. Oh, and did I tell you about the time that I took MrS, Dude AND MrClean to a strip club and then got a private lap dance?...
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JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Shit. The last time I posted in this blog was July of last year? A bunch of random life stuff happened. Dude and I went to Burning Man. It was awesome. We brought another "stray" home (my mother thinks I collect stray people like other crazy ladies collect cats) - she stayed with us for several months and went home.
We had several "come-to-Jesus" blow-ups about the state of our finances and the general laziness of Dude - this may be improving. MrS went off his meds and went temporarily wonky (better now - still off meds). My conflict with SLL caused me a lot of anguish - and then I stepped up to the plate and told her that I could NOT be in her wedding in April and...nothing bad happened. Backed therapy down to twice a month. SLeW is still my rock and best friend (and I love her SOOOOOO much that it is irrelevant that sex isn't anywhere remotely on the table). My other uber-Christian friend has discovered her sexuality and BDSM and is enjoying her widow-hood.
My professional life...is hard. I think what I do is important, I believe in it. But it drains the life out of me and I don't know how long I can do it. I worry that I am getting burned out and NOT doing all that I can. SLeW, who works with me, tells me that I hold myself to a standard that I wouldn't hold anyone else to. The boys support me, they don't berate me for spending long hours at work and putting my clients' needs first. I am glad that they have each other (friends-wise), since I am never here. What must it be like to have to share a wife/girlfriend who is married to her job?
We had several "come-to-Jesus" blow-ups about the state of our finances and the general laziness of Dude - this may be improving. MrS went off his meds and went temporarily wonky (better now - still off meds). My conflict with SLL caused me a lot of anguish - and then I stepped up to the plate and told her that I could NOT be in her wedding in April and...nothing bad happened. Backed therapy down to twice a month. SLeW is still my rock and best friend (and I love her SOOOOOO much that it is irrelevant that sex isn't anywhere remotely on the table). My other uber-Christian friend has discovered her sexuality and BDSM and is enjoying her widow-hood.
My professional life...is hard. I think what I do is important, I believe in it. But it drains the life out of me and I don't know how long I can do it. I worry that I am getting burned out and NOT doing all that I can. SLeW, who works with me, tells me that I hold myself to a standard that I wouldn't hold anyone else to. The boys support me, they don't berate me for spending long hours at work and putting my clients' needs first. I am glad that they have each other (friends-wise), since I am never here. What must it be like to have to share a wife/girlfriend who is married to her job?
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JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Oh, and that house I've been wanting to sell? NOT. DONE. YET. Why? Because the work isn't done and we haven't even put it on the market. BIG. GIANT. BALL. OF. STRESS.
MAJOR source of contention. Should take six months (he said). IT HAS BEEN 6 DAMN YEARS. Why do I put up with it? Because, really, I am no better. Procrastination is my middle name. Each day just glides on by, and there are more amusing things to do. And there are no consequences...that I can come up with that don't a.) seem mean or b.) hurt me too.
I can cut off a.) credit card (which means he can't do our shopping/fix cars) or b.) sex (which I like and seems manipulative). I have set a deadline (for the umpteenth time) which will require that I shell out a ton of money, but I don't know what else to do.
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"He" in this post is Dude. He is the one that convinced MrS (and therefore me) that he could accomplish the job cheaper than a contractor - NOT IF IT TAKES A FUCKING DECADE while I support you AND pay the mortgage/rent/insurance on two fucking houses.
MAJOR source of contention. Should take six months (he said). IT HAS BEEN 6 DAMN YEARS. Why do I put up with it? Because, really, I am no better. Procrastination is my middle name. Each day just glides on by, and there are more amusing things to do. And there are no consequences...that I can come up with that don't a.) seem mean or b.) hurt me too.
I can cut off a.) credit card (which means he can't do our shopping/fix cars) or b.) sex (which I like and seems manipulative). I have set a deadline (for the umpteenth time) which will require that I shell out a ton of money, but I don't know what else to do.
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"He" in this post is Dude. He is the one that convinced MrS (and therefore me) that he could accomplish the job cheaper than a contractor - NOT IF IT TAKES A FUCKING DECADE while I support you AND pay the mortgage/rent/insurance on two fucking houses.
Thank you for posting Jane's Guide to Threesome Flavors It made my day!
Glad to hear that all is mostly well, that you enjoyed Burning Man (my partner goes; I think it sounds like Everything I Do Not Like all at once in the middle of the desert). Good luck with the house stuff...I know many men who think they are as good as contractors but cheaper (they are not)...luckily I don't sleep with any of them!
It made my day!Glad to hear that all is mostly well, that you enjoyed Burning Man (my partner goes; I think it sounds like Everything I Do Not Like all at once in the middle of the desert). Good luck with the house stuff...I know many men who think they are as good as contractors but cheaper (they are not)...luckily I don't sleep with any of them!
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Thank you for posting Jane's Guide to Threesome Flavors
Yay! Win!
So, almost a month after I thought it was going to happen, the boys are picking up the flooring tomorrow. This is actually something that MrS knows how to do himself (he installed all of the flooring in our ForeverHome and I love it) so he is NOT dependent on Dude's help.
March 18th. This is the deadline. Anything that is not done by March 18th I am hiring an actual contractor to do (one I know and trust and who owes me favors). Since I will have to use "emergency fund" money to PAY said contractor, the boys will be on SHORT rations ("fun money" wise) until the house is then sold. Actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. (Which may be a case of "too little too late" but...I am a softie.)
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
On a different note - I have a DATE
So a few weeks ago, out of curiosity, I got back on OKC and checked out the profiles of some people who had visited me. I messaged several of them and then forgot about it. A few days ago the boys were gone all evening (dealing with the flooring - finally) and I got back on and found that a couple of them had replied. I ended up giving one of them my number to txt me (before I gave myself a change to chicken out) and she did and we have a lunch date set for next Saturday.
I went over to my friend SLeW's house for her to give me moral support and advice (she has done a lot of online dating since her divorce 2 years ago). She was bemused by the level of my anxiety - "How long has it been since your LAST first date?" Uhhhh...never. I never dated. I hung out with friends and slept with some of them and then stuff happened.
So this is all new territory for me.
So a few weeks ago, out of curiosity, I got back on OKC and checked out the profiles of some people who had visited me. I messaged several of them and then forgot about it. A few days ago the boys were gone all evening (dealing with the flooring - finally) and I got back on and found that a couple of them had replied. I ended up giving one of them my number to txt me (before I gave myself a change to chicken out) and she did and we have a lunch date set for next Saturday.
I went over to my friend SLeW's house for her to give me moral support and advice (she has done a lot of online dating since her divorce 2 years ago). She was bemused by the level of my anxiety - "How long has it been since your LAST first date?" Uhhhh...never. I never dated. I hung out with friends and slept with some of them and then stuff happened.
So this is all new territory for me.
PinkPig
Well-known member
"How long has it been since your LAST first date?" Uhhhh...never. I never dated. I hung out with friends and slept with some of them and then stuff happened.
So this is all new territory for me.
Haha, this is me, too. I think I've had a sum total of maybe 5 first dates. I think this is why I find online dating so intimidating.
I hope the date goes well!
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Here, but silent...
I haven't been posting for the last week or so because my laptop crapped out (probably as a result of the Rum-and-Coke I fed it a few weeks ago!) I have been reading and REALLY wanted to reply on numerous occasions but my computer has been "read only".
Dude replaced my keyboard yesterday so I am back!
No updates poly-wise but stuff on the Old House is actually happening! Landscapers came and tore out all the old shit and mulched and planted. Contractor friend gave us a bid on replacing the tub and shower. Dude bought the rough lumbar for the stairs (with some left over for the Forever House projects).
In other news, MrS decided to go back on meds for his anxiety and is now sleeping. Thank. Fuck. With MrS more happy I have got my libido back and Dude and I have had more sex in the past week than in the previous MONTHS. (It is hard for me to be sexual with someone else when I am stressed...masturbation is unaffected, go figure...)
I haven't been posting for the last week or so because my laptop crapped out (probably as a result of the Rum-and-Coke I fed it a few weeks ago!
) I have been reading and REALLY wanted to reply on numerous occasions but my computer has been "read only".Dude replaced my keyboard yesterday so I am back!
No updates poly-wise but stuff on the Old House is actually happening! Landscapers came and tore out all the old shit and mulched and planted. Contractor friend gave us a bid on replacing the tub and shower. Dude bought the rough lumbar for the stairs (with some left over for the Forever House projects).
In other news, MrS decided to go back on meds for his anxiety and is now sleeping. Thank. Fuck. With MrS more happy I have got my libido back and Dude and I have had more sex in the past week than in the previous MONTHS. (It is hard for me to be sexual with someone else when I am stressed...masturbation is unaffected, go figure...)
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Oh, the "date"...
The "date" was...meh. We met, we ate (which was the best part! - awesome restaurant...took SLeW there a few weeks later), we went back to her place, we had a sex session, which was pleasant but not...inspirational?
No regrets, but no need to repeat. So we..."ghosted" on each other?
I don't think I am suited to "dating"...TOO. MUCH. DAMN. EFFORT. when I have a few people in my life that I KNOW I like to spend time with...why bother for probable mediocre sex?
The "date" was...meh. We met, we ate (which was the best part! - awesome restaurant...took SLeW there a few weeks later), we went back to her place, we had a sex session, which was pleasant but not...inspirational?
No regrets, but no need to repeat. So we..."ghosted" on each other?
I don't think I am suited to "dating"...TOO. MUCH. DAMN. EFFORT. when I have a few people in my life that I KNOW I like to spend time with...why bother for probable mediocre sex?
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Had a similar experience with Dude recently...hard for him to understand a different perspective, hard for me to be gentle when I am OFF.
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More later...
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JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Hmmm... I noticed that my sig was out of date and when I went to update it I realized that I hadn't posted an update in quite a while.
Yet again, life keeps on chugging along and before you know it ... time has passed.
Family stuff last August and we had to put my dog down.
MrS did his research and found us a new rescue. She is soo sweet and mellow. Like, after all the shitty stuff that happened to her she's like - "Bed. Food. Pettings. Life is glorious - no need to get worked up over stuff - chill out, it's all OK." She and SLeW's new rescue are the best of friends (she is HUGE and he is tiny - watching them play is fabulously amusing)
Only problem is that she thinks that cat=snack. The cat is too old to train another dog so I moved my computer into the spare room and he is now my "home office cat"
So the flurry of work on the old house that I was talking about last year? Petered out and got put aside for other things. Again. So? I went ahead and hired the contractor I had give me an estimate last year. 1/2 the money is paid and he starts a week from Monday.
Dude and I had a huge blow-out in the fall and then another one in December that just about wrecked us. Somewhere in there MrS went off his meds and we had our own blow-out. Things are calmer now and I have learned that I need to just speak up before things become untenable - I hate confrontation but intermittent explosions don't bode well for anyone.
Once the old house is sold I plan on doing some renovations on the ForeverHome so that we each have our own space and don't have to be all three on top of each other all the time (or at least all the time I am home). Actually, moving my computer to the "cat room" is a good trial run. MrS or Dude will periodically come in and invite me out to "people" with them or watch a movie - so our time together is more intentional as opposed to incidental.
On the poly front - not a lot to report. Dude has been to a couple of Regional Burner Events and slept with a few festival girl-friends. As long as they use condoms and Dude doesn't overshare I don't have too much trouble with this.
SLeW is seeing a new guy - she has been friends with this one for a while but only recently have they officially started dating. MrClean has himself smitten over his newest flame so his relationships with SLeW and I are purely "flirty platonic".
Work is...better. Still hard, but not as gruelling as the year before. I am not feeling as burned out and overwhelmed. Partly due to better staffing but also, as my anxiety has improved (meds and therapy) I am able to prioritize my responsibilities better and tell my OCD tendencies that some tasks are not worthy of the time it takes to achieve perfection.
So - all is well!
Off to do my research on LTCI (Long Term Care Insurance) which is the next part of my FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) plan - 'cause poly is exciting right?
Yet again, life keeps on chugging along and before you know it ... time has passed.
Family stuff last August and we had to put my dog down.
MrS did his research and found us a new rescue. She is soo sweet and mellow. Like, after all the shitty stuff that happened to her she's like - "Bed. Food. Pettings. Life is glorious - no need to get worked up over stuff - chill out, it's all OK." She and SLeW's new rescue are the best of friends (she is HUGE and he is tiny - watching them play is fabulously amusing
) Only problem is that she thinks that cat=snack
. The cat is too old to train another dog so I moved my computer into the spare room and he is now my "home office cat"So the flurry of work on the old house that I was talking about last year? Petered out and got put aside for other things. Again. So? I went ahead and hired the contractor I had give me an estimate last year. 1/2 the money is paid and he starts a week from Monday.
Dude and I had a huge blow-out in the fall and then another one in December that just about wrecked us. Somewhere in there MrS went off his meds and we had our own blow-out. Things are calmer now and I have learned that I need to just speak up before things become untenable - I hate confrontation but intermittent explosions don't bode well for anyone.
Once the old house is sold I plan on doing some renovations on the ForeverHome so that we each have our own space and don't have to be all three on top of each other all the time (or at least all the time I am home). Actually, moving my computer to the "cat room" is a good trial run. MrS or Dude will periodically come in and invite me out to "people" with them or watch a movie - so our time together is more intentional as opposed to incidental.
On the poly front - not a lot to report. Dude has been to a couple of Regional Burner Events and slept with a few festival girl-friends. As long as they use condoms and Dude doesn't overshare I don't have too much trouble with this.
SLeW is seeing a new guy - she has been friends with this one for a while but only recently have they officially started dating. MrClean has himself smitten over his newest flame so his relationships with SLeW and I are purely "flirty platonic".
Work is...better. Still hard, but not as gruelling as the year before. I am not feeling as burned out and overwhelmed. Partly due to better staffing but also, as my anxiety has improved (meds and therapy) I am able to prioritize my responsibilities better and tell my OCD tendencies that some tasks are not worthy of the time it takes to achieve perfection.
So - all is well!
Off to do my research on LTCI (Long Term Care Insurance) which is the next part of my FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) plan - 'cause poly is exciting right?
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Response to another thread got too long - moved it here.
Ideally, I think that being open to each relationship taking the shape that fits it best is going to work smoother in the long term.
I am an introvert and a homebody. I also don't make a big deal about defining exactly what my relationship is with people. I keep few enough people in my "inner circle" that each relationship is uniquely defined. Whether they are my friend, lover, partner, family member or some other blend.
Some people prefer to know "what we are to each other" so they can manage their expectations - I prefer to not have expectations that aren't based on personal history/interactions. Some people are discomfited by that. Honestly? They get over that or our "relationship" falls by the wayside (generally at the "friendship" level - before we would ever get further than that).
Example, my friend Angel, several years into our "best friendship" she told me that she had been making an "exception" for me. She usually drops people who don't send her holiday cards or remember her birthday (these relate to her "love languages"). Those are things that I am absolutely terrible at. Apparently, at one point, she got mad and didn't contact me, she was waiting for me to notice and ask her what was wrong. I didn't. Per her story she contacted me at some point and we picked up where we had left off. (Which is how I generally operate - if you want to tell me something, then I will listen, if you don't volunteer, I won't ask.)
To be honest, I never noticed. At some point I may have said to myself, "Hmmm, I haven't heard from Angel in a while...well, she will call me if she needs me." Clearly, I must have other qualities that people appreciate - You need a shoulder to cry on? Check. You need a night out and are short on funds? Check. You need a couch to crash on and food in your tummy? Check. Remembering your birthday? Not so much.
SLeW and I have a meme along the lines of - "You have different friends for different reasons. I am not the friend you need for THAT!" She is mono, if she needs sympathy because her "flame of the moment" appreciated the shape of another woman's bottom - NOT IT! Needs advise on hair care products - NOT IT! Have an STI or pregnancy scare and needs to talk out options - THAT is totally me!
So, to close the loop on the OP's question above - it depends. My partners and I live together - if someone wants to be "kitchen table" and everyone gets along then great. If not, then they can use their own kitchen table and "parallel" with folks that aren't comfy there. Just sayin'...
Ideally, I think that being open to each relationship taking the shape that fits it best is going to work smoother in the long term.
I am an introvert and a homebody. I also don't make a big deal about defining exactly what my relationship is with people. I keep few enough people in my "inner circle" that each relationship is uniquely defined. Whether they are my friend, lover, partner, family member or some other blend.
Some people prefer to know "what we are to each other" so they can manage their expectations - I prefer to not have expectations that aren't based on personal history/interactions. Some people are discomfited by that. Honestly? They get over that or our "relationship" falls by the wayside (generally at the "friendship" level - before we would ever get further than that).
Example, my friend Angel, several years into our "best friendship" she told me that she had been making an "exception" for me. She usually drops people who don't send her holiday cards or remember her birthday (these relate to her "love languages"). Those are things that I am absolutely terrible at.
Apparently, at one point, she got mad and didn't contact me, she was waiting for me to notice and ask her what was wrong. I didn't. Per her story she contacted me at some point and we picked up where we had left off. (Which is how I generally operate - if you want to tell me something, then I will listen, if you don't volunteer, I won't ask.)To be honest, I never noticed. At some point I may have said to myself, "Hmmm, I haven't heard from Angel in a while...well, she will call me if she needs me." Clearly, I must have other qualities that people appreciate - You need a shoulder to cry on? Check. You need a night out and are short on funds? Check. You need a couch to crash on and food in your tummy? Check. Remembering your birthday? Not so much.
SLeW and I have a meme along the lines of - "You have different friends for different reasons. I am not the friend you need for THAT!" She is mono, if she needs sympathy because her "flame of the moment" appreciated the shape of another woman's bottom - NOT IT! Needs advise on hair care products - NOT IT! Have an STI or pregnancy scare and needs to talk out options - THAT is totally me!
So, to close the loop on the OP's question above - it depends. My partners and I live together - if someone wants to be "kitchen table" and everyone gets along then great. If not, then they can use their own kitchen table and "parallel" with folks that aren't comfy there. Just sayin'...
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JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Not particularly poly related but ... I am finally getting close to getting rid of Old House (which has been an albatross around my neck and a major source of conflict between me and Dude) after 7 long years. I hired a contractor to finish the renovations, found a Real Estate Agent to do "all the things" and have, as of 2 hours ago, accepted a very reasonable counter-counter-offer.
Cannot wait for the day I only own ForeverHome!
Cannot wait for the day I only own ForeverHome!
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Lately, I've found myself reading threads but not inclined to add anything - the points I would make generally being made by others.
I thought I was going to have to meet Dude's festival girlfriend this week, and a few recent threads made me consider how I really felt about this ... but I didn't have to, and so my thoughts on the topic are still unresolved.
There is a new co-worker that I think that I would like to be friends with - but am undecided on whether it is "safe" to out myself to her. So I haven't...
I really, really, really love my husband. He is pretty much my favorite person ever. But we don't really have a sexual relationship anymore - I worry whether I should be worried about this, 'cause I'm not, mostly. (It was more of an issue when we were trying to conceive.) He is, we think, on the grey-asexual spectrum.
Dude and I, on the other hand - very physically sexual relationship... and I want to strangle him multiple times a week (at least). We may be too much alike (which I warned him of early on).
Between the two boys, my platonic girlfriend SLeW, and my long-time "others" that I see occasionally I am not really wanting for any new attention, yet I like to leave myself open to possibilities...
I thought I was going to have to meet Dude's festival girlfriend this week, and a few recent threads made me consider how I really felt about this ... but I didn't have to, and so my thoughts on the topic are still unresolved.
There is a new co-worker that I think that I would like to be friends with - but am undecided on whether it is "safe" to out myself to her. So I haven't...
I really, really, really love my husband. He is pretty much my favorite person ever. But we don't really have a sexual relationship anymore - I worry whether I should be worried about this, 'cause I'm not, mostly. (It was more of an issue when we were trying to conceive.) He is, we think, on the grey-asexual spectrum.
Dude and I, on the other hand - very physically sexual relationship... and I want to strangle him multiple times a week (at least). We may be too much alike (which I warned him of early on).
Between the two boys, my platonic girlfriend SLeW, and my long-time "others" that I see occasionally I am not really wanting for any new attention, yet I like to leave myself open to possibilities...
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Conversation with MrClean earlier this week - his live-in girlfriend (dating for 10 months, living together since beginning of June) was planning on going out with a few of her bisexual female friends and, having never had any girl-on-girl experience was curious about that and asked him how he would feel if "something happened", and would that be "cheating"?
He answered truthfully, that he entered into their relationship with and understanding of a mutual expectation of monogamy - and for him that means NOT sharing sexual intimacy with other people, regardless of gender. He doesn't know how he would feel, since he hasn't experienced that situation, but feels that he would feel jealous and insecure and it could very well end their relationship. Which, to him, doesn't mean that he is telling her what she can and cannot do - but acknowledging that this could be a deal-breaker for him.
IF she were to pursue her bi-curious tendencies, since he doesn't feel that gender of the new partner is relevant, then he says that he would feel that he should be able to pursue "outside interests" as well - since he is straight, then that would mean that he could see other women.
At this point I have to admit that I think that I would, in all likelihood, be the "other women" in that scenario - so I am not an impartial observer. One reason that I have never pursued anything further with him is that he is looking for a life-partner to raise his (and her) kids with in a "white-picket-fence" sort of way. He's an incurable romantic and I would not ever want to be a stumbling block to his ideal.
more later, sleep time now..
He answered truthfully, that he entered into their relationship with and understanding of a mutual expectation of monogamy - and for him that means NOT sharing sexual intimacy with other people, regardless of gender. He doesn't know how he would feel, since he hasn't experienced that situation, but feels that he would feel jealous and insecure and it could very well end their relationship. Which, to him, doesn't mean that he is telling her what she can and cannot do - but acknowledging that this could be a deal-breaker for him.
IF she were to pursue her bi-curious tendencies, since he doesn't feel that gender of the new partner is relevant, then he says that he would feel that he should be able to pursue "outside interests" as well - since he is straight, then that would mean that he could see other women.
At this point I have to admit that I think that I would, in all likelihood, be the "other women" in that scenario - so I am not an impartial observer. One reason that I have never pursued anything further with him is that he is looking for a life-partner to raise his (and her) kids with in a "white-picket-fence" sort of way. He's an incurable romantic and I would not ever want to be a stumbling block to his ideal.
more later, sleep time now..
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
The Old House is NO MORE!
(OK, it still exists but it is no longer my problem!)
After 7 fucking YEARS of hearing that they (mostly he, Dude) were going to get cracking on it - I took matters into my own hands. Hired a real contractor and ... SOLD THE DAMN HOUSE! We closed on Friday...It is OVER.
Celebrations and libations all around!
It's still sinking in - I am looking forward to not carrying a ball of "angry" around. (I could ignore it most of the time, but it was always there.)
My financial planning for FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) can get back on track. (It didn't stop entirely because of Old House - but things were not moving as quickly as I would have liked.)
No more second mortgage payment/tax payments/insurance payments, no more water/sewer bills (ForeverHome has a well and septic system), only one electric bill (and I now have the capital to look into alternative energy sources)
After paying off the obvious debts, my plan is to sit on the balance (representing my equity in the Old House) until after Tax Season. Our student loans are at 1.625% and 3%. Our mortgage on ForeverHome is 3.5%. So I feel like I can take a breath here. (we have no other debt - Credit Cards will be paid in full, no car loans, etc.)
The cheapest student loan will be paid off in less than a year doing nothing. I have enough to pay off the 3% student loan but not the whole 3.5% mortgage, and mortgage rates are higher now - so refinancing is likely not a real factor. (I already re-fi'd once to get us to 3.5% - borrowing money from Dad which was the "obvious" debt.)
My initial instinct is to let the 1.625% run itself out (paying $1.30 in interest each month) Pay off the 3% and use the money freed up by not paying a second mortgage to double up payments on the 3.5% mortgage. AFTER we settle up on the taxes for 2018.
I have been working on getting the rest of our insurance situation in place. MrS and I just signed up for LTCI (long term care insurance). I am not convinced to include Dude in that planning. With no income and no assets, it might be more cost effective to let him throw himself on the low income bandwagon and then pay for necessities/extras out of pocket.
I did talk to him about this a few times, but he is not at all concerned - either he thinks he is just going to drop dead gracefully without any complications OR, because he has no money, throw himself on the mercy of the government (which he doesn't trust...so not sure why he thinks THAT is a good idea). SO... if he isn't willing to plan then why should I? (Duh, cause I am going to end of paying anyway...if he is still around, I won't let him get substandard care - Maybe he is banking on me bailing him out? BUT I honestly thing that he just doesn't think that far ahead.)
Fuck, I am just wealthy enough that this matters, but NOT so wealthy that it doesn't.
I feel a little weird pulling his credit report and making plans for him the way I do for MrS since, legally, I have no right to do so. BUT he won't do it himself and he has given me carte blanche to do what I think is best.
Bluebird does a great job of balancing the finances for her MFM Vee - I am now feeling empowered to do the best I can with mine.
(OK, it still exists but it is no longer my problem!)
After 7 fucking YEARS of hearing that they (mostly he, Dude) were going to get cracking on it - I took matters into my own hands. Hired a real contractor and ... SOLD THE DAMN HOUSE! We closed on Friday...It is OVER.
Celebrations and libations all around!
It's still sinking in - I am looking forward to not carrying a ball of "angry" around. (I could ignore it most of the time, but it was always there.)
My financial planning for FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) can get back on track. (It didn't stop entirely because of Old House - but things were not moving as quickly as I would have liked.)
No more second mortgage payment/tax payments/insurance payments, no more water/sewer bills (ForeverHome has a well and septic system), only one electric bill (and I now have the capital to look into alternative energy sources)
After paying off the obvious debts, my plan is to sit on the balance (representing my equity in the Old House) until after Tax Season. Our student loans are at 1.625% and 3%. Our mortgage on ForeverHome is 3.5%. So I feel like I can take a breath here. (we have no other debt - Credit Cards will be paid in full, no car loans, etc.)
The cheapest student loan will be paid off in less than a year doing nothing. I have enough to pay off the 3% student loan but not the whole 3.5% mortgage, and mortgage rates are higher now - so refinancing is likely not a real factor. (I already re-fi'd once to get us to 3.5% - borrowing money from Dad which was the "obvious" debt.)
My initial instinct is to let the 1.625% run itself out (paying $1.30 in interest each month) Pay off the 3% and use the money freed up by not paying a second mortgage to double up payments on the 3.5% mortgage. AFTER we settle up on the taxes for 2018.
I have been working on getting the rest of our insurance situation in place. MrS and I just signed up for LTCI (long term care insurance). I am not convinced to include Dude in that planning. With no income and no assets, it might be more cost effective to let him throw himself on the low income bandwagon and then pay for necessities/extras out of pocket.
I did talk to him about this a few times, but he is not at all concerned - either he thinks he is just going to drop dead gracefully without any complications OR, because he has no money, throw himself on the mercy of the government (which he doesn't trust...so not sure why he thinks THAT is a good idea). SO... if he isn't willing to plan then why should I? (Duh, cause I am going to end of paying anyway...if he is still around, I won't let him get substandard care - Maybe he is banking on me bailing him out? BUT I honestly thing that he just doesn't think that far ahead.)
Fuck, I am just wealthy enough that this matters, but NOT so wealthy that it doesn't.
I feel a little weird pulling his credit report and making plans for him the way I do for MrS since, legally, I have no right to do so. BUT he won't do it himself and he has given me carte blanche to do what I think is best.
Bluebird does a great job of balancing the finances for her MFM Vee - I am now feeling empowered to do the best I can with mine.
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