Rarechild
New member
I don't even know where to begin. After years of marital discord, isolation and silence, and half-assed conversations about fuller lives in regards to polyamory and other issues, a short time ago, my husband Catfish and I finally had a ground-breaking conversation, when I felt there was nothing left to lose.
It's funny (actually tragic), because we have always been so close, talking honestly about so many other things as they've come to the surface in our lives, but we could never figure out why it was so hard to approach the fact that we had a very veiled and undeveloped sexual life. When it's good, it's good, but there have been huge intimacy issues and times of sexual frustration and starvation that have been very painful.
We had tried talking exhaustively about what was happening in our relationship, although we both left out a lot we were afraid to say. We did couples counseling. We chose to live apart during this past winter. We have never doubted our love for each other, but never understood what was threatening it until very recently. Denial is an amazingly powerful force.
So when he asked me what I wanted for the millionth time, thank the gods, I finally told him. I was unwilling to hide who I was, and what I was thinking. I faced one of my biggest fears.
I had met someone, as I do every now and again, that I wanted to be free to see again, and this time I didn't want to lie about it, or just swallow it, as I have always done in the past, dealing with it by writing in my journal, which is very much like talking to yourself, and masturbating while I imagined touchingly romantic situations with the person who intrigued me. Catfish was frequently a part of these fantasies. I would come just thinking about lying in someone's arms, feeling their physical presence and sharing thoughts and smiles.
I mustered all of my bravery, rejected the scolding voices in my head screaming that he couldn't possibly understand, that no one could, that I was wrong for having these feelings and desires, that I should just keep my mouth shut and leave him so he could find someone "better," so I couldn't hurt him anymore with my unrealistic fantasies and hiding. I told Catfish about what I was feeling, and what had triggered my confrontation of it.
It was a short conversation, because as soon as I said it, he was on board, totally in agreement that we should explore it. I had to stop talking, because it was such a catharsis. I couldn't stop smiling. I felt freer than I ever have in my life. And to think I was in control of that all along.
I posted an introduction about a week ago on here, as did Catfish. I have since learned so much about myself that I feel like I have gone into spiritual/emotional/sexual overdrive, releasing so much hurt from the past, finding so many connections between ideas and feelings, all of it.
I am overwhelmed in such a beautiful way. As I look at my life, I realize I am finally being honest about and loving myself. This opens up my heart and mind to so many possibilities, so much forgiveness and acceptance of myself and others. I still can't stop smiling. I think I speak for both of us when I say that our sexual selves, which were made to suffer for so long by our fear and self-doubt, have been freed, and we have reconnected just as strongly with our bodies as we have with our minds and spirits. We are turned on all day thinking about each other. We are enjoying our time together in a way we haven't enjoyed since we first met, when anything was possible.
There is so much more to this story, and connections I am making between my own self image and my relationships with so many people and situations. Isn't it wonderful to find something, some passion, some journey, that you know you could never stop discovering deeper knowledge of if you devoted every waking moment for the rest of your life to exploring it? I have also just started to commit to exploring other things in my life-- my writing, my artwork, my education, all kinds of rich experiences that make me more fully who I am. It is not surprising, when I start to connect it all, that opening myself up to other forms of self-expression and self-love has led me to this amazing discovery in my relationship with my husband.
The only thing I can think to be sad about right now is that we had to go through five years with each other, and a lifetime before that, without this kind of clarity, which was so painful. I am certainly not saying life is free of pain and sadness now, or that I think this endeavor will be easy. But it is a challenge I am starting to feel strong enough for now. I guess we needed all that time, and pain, and experience to get to this glorious time in our lives, and understand how to (and how not to) approach it.
I am just starting to understand how well I have chosen, and how lucky I am to be loved by this beautiful man I married four years ago.
I will share an experience that was the first time we dipped our toes in the pool, our first experience with interacting with others, now that we have opened ourselves to one another in this way, that I believe is the key to the next evolution and deepening of our love for ourselves, each other, and all those around us.
After a week of heavy discussions, awesome sex and one or two arguments, we decided to play a little game to test each other's comfort level in a safe way. When we went out, we told each other who in the bar appealed to us and why. Every now and then, one of us would whisper something in the other one's ear about who we found attractive. We were pretty much in agreement. They were dark-haired exotic-looking ladies, which we laughed over, because I could be described as such.
It was a good experience. We ended up talking to one girl we had been spying on. We didn't hit on her, just chatted. But it was fun to both be interacting with her without hiding our physical attraction to her from each other.
The next night we went out again, and our new-found openness manifested itself in another way. There were lots of old friends there, as well as friends of friends that we met. The next day, we talked about the marked absence of policing each other, keeping distance from other people so as not to upset the other. We both felt much less social anxiety than usual, and were able to enjoy our old friends more, and show our love for them, as well as be ourselves with people we were introduced to.
We danced, laughed, hugged and kissed. I even got a massage from two of my girlfriends at once. I think our happiness was palpable, and invited meaningful, free interaction from others who are used to the fact that my husband and I are usually much more guarded, especially when together. There has always been this cloud of desperation hanging over us that makes us unapproachable at times.
It was a beautiful night, one of the best I've had in a long time. I look forward to all the growth and blessings that our new-found freedom will bring us, if we can continue to reject fear as the decision-maker in our lives.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there to validate, reassure, educate, and share with us. This forum has brought a wealth of perspective, insight and strength to both of us. In your generosity and spirit of self-love and honesty, you have made a difference in our lives, and I'm sure the lives of many. You have helped to change the world. Many of the posts we've read have made it so much more comfortable for us to talk about our own thoughts and feelings. I am very grateful!
It's funny (actually tragic), because we have always been so close, talking honestly about so many other things as they've come to the surface in our lives, but we could never figure out why it was so hard to approach the fact that we had a very veiled and undeveloped sexual life. When it's good, it's good, but there have been huge intimacy issues and times of sexual frustration and starvation that have been very painful.
We had tried talking exhaustively about what was happening in our relationship, although we both left out a lot we were afraid to say. We did couples counseling. We chose to live apart during this past winter. We have never doubted our love for each other, but never understood what was threatening it until very recently. Denial is an amazingly powerful force.
So when he asked me what I wanted for the millionth time, thank the gods, I finally told him. I was unwilling to hide who I was, and what I was thinking. I faced one of my biggest fears.
I had met someone, as I do every now and again, that I wanted to be free to see again, and this time I didn't want to lie about it, or just swallow it, as I have always done in the past, dealing with it by writing in my journal, which is very much like talking to yourself, and masturbating while I imagined touchingly romantic situations with the person who intrigued me. Catfish was frequently a part of these fantasies. I would come just thinking about lying in someone's arms, feeling their physical presence and sharing thoughts and smiles.
I mustered all of my bravery, rejected the scolding voices in my head screaming that he couldn't possibly understand, that no one could, that I was wrong for having these feelings and desires, that I should just keep my mouth shut and leave him so he could find someone "better," so I couldn't hurt him anymore with my unrealistic fantasies and hiding. I told Catfish about what I was feeling, and what had triggered my confrontation of it.
It was a short conversation, because as soon as I said it, he was on board, totally in agreement that we should explore it. I had to stop talking, because it was such a catharsis. I couldn't stop smiling. I felt freer than I ever have in my life. And to think I was in control of that all along.
I posted an introduction about a week ago on here, as did Catfish. I have since learned so much about myself that I feel like I have gone into spiritual/emotional/sexual overdrive, releasing so much hurt from the past, finding so many connections between ideas and feelings, all of it.
I am overwhelmed in such a beautiful way. As I look at my life, I realize I am finally being honest about and loving myself. This opens up my heart and mind to so many possibilities, so much forgiveness and acceptance of myself and others. I still can't stop smiling. I think I speak for both of us when I say that our sexual selves, which were made to suffer for so long by our fear and self-doubt, have been freed, and we have reconnected just as strongly with our bodies as we have with our minds and spirits. We are turned on all day thinking about each other. We are enjoying our time together in a way we haven't enjoyed since we first met, when anything was possible.
There is so much more to this story, and connections I am making between my own self image and my relationships with so many people and situations. Isn't it wonderful to find something, some passion, some journey, that you know you could never stop discovering deeper knowledge of if you devoted every waking moment for the rest of your life to exploring it? I have also just started to commit to exploring other things in my life-- my writing, my artwork, my education, all kinds of rich experiences that make me more fully who I am. It is not surprising, when I start to connect it all, that opening myself up to other forms of self-expression and self-love has led me to this amazing discovery in my relationship with my husband.
The only thing I can think to be sad about right now is that we had to go through five years with each other, and a lifetime before that, without this kind of clarity, which was so painful. I am certainly not saying life is free of pain and sadness now, or that I think this endeavor will be easy. But it is a challenge I am starting to feel strong enough for now. I guess we needed all that time, and pain, and experience to get to this glorious time in our lives, and understand how to (and how not to) approach it.
I am just starting to understand how well I have chosen, and how lucky I am to be loved by this beautiful man I married four years ago.
I will share an experience that was the first time we dipped our toes in the pool, our first experience with interacting with others, now that we have opened ourselves to one another in this way, that I believe is the key to the next evolution and deepening of our love for ourselves, each other, and all those around us.
After a week of heavy discussions, awesome sex and one or two arguments, we decided to play a little game to test each other's comfort level in a safe way. When we went out, we told each other who in the bar appealed to us and why. Every now and then, one of us would whisper something in the other one's ear about who we found attractive. We were pretty much in agreement. They were dark-haired exotic-looking ladies, which we laughed over, because I could be described as such.
It was a good experience. We ended up talking to one girl we had been spying on. We didn't hit on her, just chatted. But it was fun to both be interacting with her without hiding our physical attraction to her from each other.The next night we went out again, and our new-found openness manifested itself in another way. There were lots of old friends there, as well as friends of friends that we met. The next day, we talked about the marked absence of policing each other, keeping distance from other people so as not to upset the other. We both felt much less social anxiety than usual, and were able to enjoy our old friends more, and show our love for them, as well as be ourselves with people we were introduced to.
We danced, laughed, hugged and kissed. I even got a massage from two of my girlfriends at once. I think our happiness was palpable, and invited meaningful, free interaction from others who are used to the fact that my husband and I are usually much more guarded, especially when together. There has always been this cloud of desperation hanging over us that makes us unapproachable at times.
It was a beautiful night, one of the best I've had in a long time. I look forward to all the growth and blessings that our new-found freedom will bring us, if we can continue to reject fear as the decision-maker in our lives.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there to validate, reassure, educate, and share with us. This forum has brought a wealth of perspective, insight and strength to both of us. In your generosity and spirit of self-love and honesty, you have made a difference in our lives, and I'm sure the lives of many. You have helped to change the world. Many of the posts we've read have made it so much more comfortable for us to talk about our own thoughts and feelings. I am very grateful!
