The Polly Roller Coaster

Post-weekend update

Once again, all three of us had a fantabulous weekend. :p It started with dinner and drinks, then some dancing. I flitted about the dance, talking to many many people that I hadn't seen in a while. C and Hubby parked themselves for the night and chatted, a la a date. Hehe

They had a great time, as did I. Then we cabbed it home and had some more fun! Jeeeeesus, when will the novelty of this threesome sex thing wear off?? She left at around 4 on Sunday, and once again, hardly anything was done all weekend, other than the obvious! ;)

As we all laid in bed with a healthy afterglow, I said out loud that it was so good to have peace in my brain, and they both agreed. Why does drama have to punt peace out continually during the week?

I go away for the whole weekend coming up. C and Hubby are going to a concert on the Thursday night, with friends, then they have agreed to not see each other while I am gone. I asked them for this. While I feel somewhat cruel for asking this, I also feel that it was the right decision, as I feel at peace when I talk of it now.

The self-knowledge thing that everyone talks about seems to be occurring for me. It was so hard to figure out my emotions at the start of all this, but gradually, they are becoming easier and easier. Ha. Famous last words. I must have found my zen just for a day or two.
 
PollyPocket said:
The self-knowledge thing that everyone talks about seems to be occurring for me. It was so hard to figure out my emotions at the start of all this, but gradually, they are becoming easier and easier. Ha. Famous last words. I must have found my zen just for a day or two.
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Not to leave anyone disappointed, yup, the zen is over. Instead it is going on two days full of anxiety.

I suppose that the cause of this anxiety is in the fact that I simply cannot get past the total disregard for reciprocation. I mean total. Hubby and I cooked, cleaned, poured drinks, engaged fully and completely in hot sex, while C did little but act like a princess.

Man, I make her out to sound bad, sometimes... You have to believe me, she isn't. She is witty and charming and beautiful and has eyes to die for. But FUCK, please lift a fucking finger once in a while (pun intended).

Can you hear my angst? :eek:

Hubby and I had another heart-to-heart this morning. He says that he is continually worried about how I am taking things, whether I will be okay. He says it is too much for him to take. I told him that I didn't want to be responsible for a breakup. We are all so enmeshed in this web. She would be crushed to lose a good man, and a good friend (me).

Too good. I probably should have been better with some boundaries of my own, because I feel like I was a total doormat, and taken advantage of. I allowed it to occur, because of some fucked-up notion that this is what BFFs do for each other. I also can't help feeling that she simply is using me. It is not a good situation for any of us. I would be crushed too.

Hubby? Well, he would be too, and he was the only one steady in this whole thing. I feel the most bad for him.

I want a bit of time to wean myself off of my dependency. Hubby wants to go cold turkey. I am not sure of the right solution. I just know that this whole mess is not what it started out to be. And is going to get worse before it gets better.

Any advice welcome. :(
 
Personally, I think weaning her off only means leading her on until such time as you feel ready to crush her feelings. Pull the Band-aid off fast, is my advice.
 
I'd tend to agree with the band-aid post, except for one thing-- reading the rest of this thread, there have already been times where one or more of you three have been fed up and called a halt to it all. A couple days later, it's all back on track. You sure were spot-on calling this "The Polly Roller Coaster"!

For sure, leading her on would be cruel. On the other hand, you might not want to forge a permanent solution if you and hubby are likely to feel differently in a few days.

*hugs* and best of luck!
 
anotherbo said:
For sure, leading her on would be cruel. On the other hand, you might not want to forge a permanent solution if you and hubby are likely to feel differently in a few days.
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As always, Anotherbo, I appreciate your comments.

I go away this weekend for 4 days. No matter what decision we reach prior to that, it will be a difficult time away. The brain is such a powerful force. I am hoping that I can turn it off for a bit and focus on what I am away for.

I feel so disappointed that I could not make this work. But such is life, I guess. Yup, I failed! :(
 
Why do you take all the blame? It seems when there are 3 people in a relationship, there is blame enough for all. I certainly have messed up with both my guys. They both have messed up with me. It sucks sometimes. Relationships are hard between two. Adding others is not always going to be easy. Life is more about walking over the hills, going down into the valleys and up to the peaks.

Listen to what each person is saying. It seems like your husband has in the past said he wants to end it, and you push for things. It seems C has said things and they are what the be all seems to be. It seems like you push your feelings aside.
 
Livingmybestlife said:
Listen to what each person is saying. It seems like your husband has in the past said he wants to end, and you push for things. It seems C has said things and they are what the be all seems to be. It seems like you push your feelings aside.
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LMBL, would you clarify that last part, please?

I do feel a lot of responsibility, good and bad, through this whole thing. I tried so hard to make it work, but I am not that person. I thought I could. I feel rejected and left out, no matter what is happening, unless it is all in front of me. That is just me. Some people may call that nosy or not minding their business, but the feeling is the same-- left out, not picked for the team.

Sad. :(
 
Livingmybestlife said:
Why do you take all the blame? When there are 3 people in a relationship, there is blame enough for all. It seems like you push your feelings aside.
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PollyPocket said:
I do feel a lot of responsibility, good and bad, through this whole thing. I tried so hard to make it work, but I am not that person. I thought I could. I feel rejected and left out, no matter what is happening, unless it is all in front of me. That is just me... 'left out, not picked for the team.'

Sad. :(
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Cut yourself some slack, P2! You've been working really hard at this. But there are three people involved, trying to do something absurdly difficult, that even people with experience in this lifestyle often can't pull off. Really I think you all deserve kudos for hanging in there at all; it would have been so much easier to just pull the plug!

You're a person who takes great responsibility for your own actions, and your own life, I can tell. But sometimes things are just not within your sole control. And as this relationship has evolved, you've tried so hard to evolve with it, to a point that's way outside your comfort zone.

Don't beat yourself up! It makes no sense, since there are so many people on this site willing to do it for you! BDSM for the win! ;)

More hugs. Keep hanging in there.

In regards to C, I know it hurts that she seems to choose your husband over you. But you have been picked for the team, P2. You're the star player in your husband's life. But none of us, no matter how attractive, can get top billing all the time. I'm sure if you wish to keep trying a poly lifestyle, you'll find someone else wonderful who will make you feel loved, desired and cherished.
 
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What I meant is acknowledge your feelings. Do not push them aside and say it's okay. You got an email from C last week. Your words were something along the line of "She gets to rant, but I am crazy when I write." You need to acknowledge those feelings and state them to C and hubs, and make sure that you're heard.

No one gets to be the star all the time. I am the hinge between two mono men. They both have their drama and need attention. They both have insecurities, as do I.
 
Sunday, my head was nestled into each of their bods, somehow sandwiched, in a good way, as I wondered why and how I didn't feel this bliss all the time. It was so spectacular. I felt the heroin drip into my veins and knew that this must be heaven (as much as an atheist can use that line ;)).

It's Tuesday night now, and I am wondering how it all happened. Could it simply be the downer of the high? Or is there something more? I just can't make sense of any of it, sometimes.

Anotherbo, you do have it right, that my man is my team.

What a fricking ride.
 
Wednesday night now and I leave town for 4 days starting tomorrow. Probably much of the anxiety that I have had this week is from that. Yes, maybe that is the fuel that propels the rollercoaster.

Tomorrow night, while I am gone, C and hubby are going to a concert with some of her friends. I think I feel okay about that. I know they will have a good time. I do wish I were there with them. But it's okay.

We haven't acted on anything this week, just tried to play it cool. For me, this is challenging, but I have made it. Sooner or later, ya just gotta throw your hands up in the air and let be what will be. Love is a powerful pill. Maybe, just maybe, better than heroin. ;)

Thanks again for your opinions.
 
Tuesday afternoon now. My weekend away was full of little bits and pieces of drama, but was okay.

Hubby ended up breaking up with C on Saturday night. She was blown away and angry and it was not good. I came home Sunday night. I had stayed out of any contact with her for the whole weekend. Hubby was very sad and down and withdrawn. I tried to comfort him, but couldn't.

Monday morning, I received a long voice mail from C saying how sorry she was and that she had never meant to cause all this grief in all of our lives. I listened to it twice.

I responded with a long email on my take of the whole story. How she had seduced me, then fallen in love with my husband, and that I had never signed up for that. That was not what we were looking for. I am sorry that they fell in love. Choices were made.

She called me after she read the email. I didn't answer. Then, she called again. Still I didn't answer. The third time, I answered. She said that she was at my front door.

I went and let her in. She hugged me and cried. She said sorry and more sorry. She lit a cigarette and smoked. We shared it. She told me how she did love me and how she just didn't know what to do with me when the whole thing started. She didn't want to be in love with a girl, yet she had strong feelings for me. I poured a couple of drinks, Irish whiskey. She said, let's go get drunk and talk. Really talk. Hubby wasn't home yet. I texted him, and said we wanted to go out and get drunk. He said, 'Sure. Go have fun.' I guess he knows how the thought of losing this friend scares the shit out of me.

So off we went to the bar. We talked and talked and drank and got more drunk. You can see what is coming, right? We went outside to the car for a cigarette. I leaned toward her a bit. She kissed me, long and wonderful. I pulled back and said, 'We cannot go there. This is insane.'

We went back in and had another drink, then paid up and left. As we got into the car, she touched me and turned to me, and came closer... another kiss. A really really hot kiss. We sat there and said, 'No, we cannot do this.' But we just couldn't contain ourselves. We did. I broke all the rules. I fucked up badly. I tried to stop, but my desire to hold her and be with her was too strong, no doubt fueled by the booze. We were both quite drunk, on a fricking Monday night.

Afterwards, she said to me, 'So that was close to making up with all three of us, right?' And I was like, 'What? No, it is over for all three. I don't know what that was. Just lust, I think.' 'So you treated me like a toy and now you will dispose of me again?' I said, 'C, it was a mistake.' We made a big mistake.

I took a cab home and told hubby when I arrived. It was 11 PM. I tested the waters first by saying that it was just a kiss. He moved to the couch to sleep. Today he is not talking to me. We have had a few texts back and forth. He is very angry. I finally came clean in one of the texts and said that we had had sex, as much as two women can have sex.

He asked me to go to a hotel tonight, which I will do.

I know that this whole mess is so complicated. Both of them are being forced to break up because of me, because of my inability to deal with them being in love. Then I broke the boundaries I made. What a moron I am!

There are a ton of other dynamics in play. One that I keep thinking about is: why did C come to my house? Did she want to seduce me again (after all, I am a very easy mark) in hopes of getting back together?

I am hoping that a little time and space can help everyone out in this mess. But we were playing with fire. We got burned bad. Maybe it will even cost me my marriage.

Thoughts and advice are welcome.
 
P2, I'm so sad for you, girl. Really, I am. I know you feel like crap, and you already know you messed up, so I won't rehash that for you again. You feel bad enough. I can offer up a hug, though. I will not go over where your mistakes were. Please learn from them and never make them again. :confused:

Moving forward...

I would suggest telling your husband that you want to talk with him, one on one, just the two of you, in a public place. This will help to minimize the yelling and screaming. Expect to be told off. It will happen. And, I hate to say it, you deserve it. :confused: Expect him to storm off. It may happen. I honestly hope not, though.

Explain to him that while you had a lot to drink, you are taking full responsibility for your actions, and will accept any consequences from those actions, however bad they are. Explain to him that you know you messed up and betrayed his trust.

I suggest taking a break from anything poly, or even close to it, for a while, until you are both strong enough to accept it again, if that ever comes up again. Also, you have to (and I can not stress this enough) completely cut C out of your life. COMPLETELY! She may be the reason for you losing your marriage. She took advantage of you while you were weak and vulnerable. That is what the old English would call "poor form."

Sadly, signing off, for now. I really am sad for you, P2. I am crying for you and your hubby. (C can go to hell, as far as I'm concerned.)
 
I don't see why C should go to hell. I think she got as fucked over as everyone else.

Hoping for peace for all of you.
 
C had no business going over to P2's after her hubby had broken it off. P2 made an effort to ignore her, and actually told C that it just should not happen. C kept pressing the issue. P2 is not completely innocent here, but C should have left her and her hubby alone, as they both expressed a desire not to see C again.

C could end up being a huge reason for a good marriage to split up. And for what? A piece of ass? Come on.
 
TL4everu2 said:
I really am sad for you. I am crying for you and your hubby. (C can go to hell, as far as I'm concerned.)
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C had no business going over to P2's after her hubby had broken it off. P2 made an effort to ignore her, and actually told C that it just should not happen. C kept pressing the issue. P2 is not completely innocent here, but C should have left her and her hubby alone, as they both expressed a desire not to see C again.

C could end up being a huge reason for a good marriage to split up. And for what? A piece of ass? Come on.
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Do you feel like you've made an effort to understand what C has been going through, TL? She fucked up, no doubt, or worse, she made a calculated attempt to seduce P2. But these actions didn't happen in a vacuum.

More later. My larger post got lost in the ether. For now I'll just add, I'm so sorry P2, and I hope you're ok.
 
I will readily admit that I am basing my reactions and opinions off of one side of the story, and it has been my experience that there are two, or sometimes even three sides to almost every story. And then there is what actually happened.

Since I was not there to witness it all, and C is not on the board, and neither is P2's hubby, I have only one side of the story to go off of. I have no reason to believe that P2 is lying. I also have no reason to think that P2 is omitting any information or relevant parts of the story. She makes it readily apparent that she messed up, and she is readily accepting the blame. However, if C had left and not returned, as requested by P2's hubby, then this would never have been a problem.
 
TL4everu2 said:
C had no business going over to P2's after her hubby had broken it off. P2 made an effort to ignore and actually told C that it just should not happen. C kept pressing the issue. P2 is not completely innocent here, but C should have left her and her hubby alone, as they both expressed a desire not to see C again.

C could end up being a huge reason for a good marriage to split up. And for what? A piece of ass? Come on.
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Thanks, TL.

It is Wednesday morning now and I am still grasping to find perspective. I know that it was my fault. But why? Yes, tequila was a big factor. It just loosened me to what I had wanted and longed for, for so long. Just a bit of one-on-one time, and fuck, some honesty. Her honesty to me, actually saying that she had to make a conscious decision to not allow herself to fall in love with me. I had thought that I was so 'crazy' for reading all the words and actions wrong. I had thought wow, how could I be so wrong? And now she tells me that I was right. Now. After two months of heartfelt rejection.

Oh, I sucked it up. I tried to get over it. I said that I wasn't 'in love' with her. Honestly, I don't know if I was or am. I know that when I am with her, I want to touch her and hold her.

She has been emailing me over the past two days, and calling, checking in to see if I am alright. I know that she does love me, but she is soooo in love with my husband. It's a bad situation. If I didn't have any feelings, it would be one thing, but I do. How did this all go so wrong?

After 22 years of marriage, we get complacent, I guess... We don't tell our spouses how much we are still in love with them, how beautiful they look, how sexy they make us feel, how we want to fuck them in the middle of the grocery store, how fabulous they smell. We let it all be replaced with some sort of NRE that takes over our lives. I am sure if we could all see the one-on-one emails to C (and vice versa), those phrases and words are scattered throughout them, on both of our accounts. But to each other, to the most important person in my life, did I say or receive them? Probably not.

C called me this morning to see how I was. I said I was a mess. She had asked me yesterday if she wanted her to take the bullet for me, saying that it was all her fault. I said no. I told her this morning that I felt used by her, that she preyed on me when I most vulnerable, fucked me thinking that it would make everyone make up, then was surprised when I said, 'What are you talking about?'

To her, it feels like I used her as a toy just to get off. I don't understand this. I just was so full of desire for her that I could not contain myself. She called me a bunch of names for telling her that she used me, said we could not be friends anymore, and hung up. I had said the same thing yesterday.

The thought of this kills me, but I must be strong somehow. Hubby and C are going through the same hell.

We all played with fire, and we all are burning as we speak.

Words seem superfluous now.
 
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