The Polly Roller Coaster

P2,
It helps (I think anyway) to have a goal of what exactly you want the relationship to evolve into. Once you have this pictured, you need to be clear about it with everyone involved. L and I weren't with S & D, and now we are paying the price.....That price is a lack of a relationship with a couple that we truely loved. :( All because WE (L and I) were unclear of what exactly we wanted from the beginning. As it became more clear to us, we shared that goal/dream with them. This drove them further away from us, as their goal/dream was different than ours. :( So if everyone has a clear picture of the end result, it SHOULD be able to be worked out. In theory anyway. ;) LOL
 
P2,
It helps (I think anyway) to have a goal of what exactly you want the relationship to evolve into. Once you have this pictured, you need to be clear about it with everyone involved. L and I weren't with S & D, and now we are paying the price.....That price is a lack of a relationship with a couple that we truely loved. :( All because WE (L and I) were unclear of what exactly we wanted from the beginning. As it became more clear to us, we shared that goal/dream with them. This drove them further away from us, as their goal/dream was different than ours. :( So if everyone has a clear picture of the end result, it SHOULD be able to be worked out. In theory anyway. ;) LOL
 
What a crazy roller coaster this has been. At least you seem to have a seat now, instead of being strapped to the bottom.

You've been pretty clear about feeling left out and hurting about your husband and C's intimacy at times, and feeling insecure and jealous. But I've been suspecting for a while another dynamic that you haven't flat-out stated... your last post came close though...

I had a pretty deep heart to heart with her on her fear of intimacy and how she will only let people so close before pushing them away or fucking up intentionally to chase them away.

WE all love each other in varying degrees. I told her that sometimes I need to touch her or hold her and asked her to be okay with that and open to it. She agreed that she would try.
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I suspect you are very in love with C. And that she doesn't love you back the way you want her to, or maybe she won't let herself. Leaving you feeling rejected.

Then she is showing the sort of complete love you want from her, to your husband instead! The feeling of rejection adds to the feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

You keep being surprised at your own flip-flopping roles: when they seem particularly close, you have wanted to (and acted to) split them apart - when they split to the point of threatening your relationship with C as well, you facilitate.

Its no wonder you keep flip-flopping really, as neither pole is acceptable to you. One pole being, you and your husband both split with C entirely. The other being, your husband and C being deeply in love with you feeling left out, and reduced to nibbling at crumbs of her affection.

I told her that my hope with all this....cuz the odds of it lasting much longer are way against us.....is that we can all hold hands and watch the love affair ride into the sunset and all be okay with that.

That is as good at it can get and we have to be happy with that vision, right?
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It sounds like you're coming to terms with the idea that you probably can't get what you really want out of this relationship. You're becoming ready to let go.

I've noticed (from reading posts on this site, not from personal experience) that triads and quads often seem to suffer from these types of problems. It seems so much harder to deal with jealousy, and to find compersion, when you're also intimately involved with your partner's other love(s). In comparison the V's seem a bit more stable.

Please tell me if you think I'm completely off base with this analysis. :eek:

*Hugs* and best of luck.


Anotherbo :)
 
anotherbo said:
Please tell me if you think I'm completely off base with this analysis. :eek:
Anotherbo :)
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Are you a shrink? ;)

Yes, that sounds like it may just be plausible. I have wrestled with the 'in love' piece of it a lot. Like someone told me yesterday, "it is pretty hard to UNRING a bell", when I said that we were 'trying' to dial it down a notch!! Both C and myself. The thought of losing her as a friend, first, and a lover, second, is gut-wrenching.

The thing is that it is a thought, and somehow, I need to change that thought to become okay with it, because ultimately that is where it will go.

Any chance you have the solution, Anotherbo?
 
Polypocket, I'm not a shrink... but I do play one on TV.

The thing is that it is a thought, and somehow, I need to change that thought to become okay with it, because ultimately that is where it will go.

Any chance you have the solution, Anotherbo?
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Are you asking for a suggestion for how to move toward acceptance of losing C as a friend and a lover? If so, I'm not really sure. But personally I'm not convinced its all doomed yet.

All three of you have to recognize, you tried to do something really hard! This is the typical unicorn scenario, which sounds fabulous to so many people, and seems to blow up almost every time.

I hear you asking, "Why is that so, Dr. Anotherbo?"

Because changing a relationship from mono to poly is freaking hard, even if you start without any added relationship on the horizon. Developing even one new relationship gives you a ton of things to work through.

Imagine you started your poly life by falling in love with someone separate from your husband. He'd probably have to work through feeling jealous and left out, and you would have to spend lots of time and energy reassuring him. And with your new love, you'd have to figure out all the usual new relationship stuff as well.

Now instead, imagine you both fell in love at the same time, with totally different people. Now you'd both have to work through feeling jealous and insecure. You might not have one partner feeling left out so much, but on balance that might not even be a good thing: you might both slack on tending your old relationship in your euphoria about your new loves. Another level of complexity and difficulty, in my opinion.

But you tried to do something even harder! You tried to create three new relationships, all at the same time! One, you and C. Two, C and your husband. Three, the threesome. And if you doubt the threesome really is a whole other relationship, think about how different your situation would be if there was no group sex involved.

You went from almost no poly experience, to trying to manage one of the most difficult poly feats. It's like you stole the car from your Driver's Ed class and took it to the Indy 500.

Of course, you had no way to know what you were getting into. But now that you do, I'd suggest trying to unring that bell. Then try it again, one thing at a time. Baby steps.

Take a break from each other, cool off a bit. Plan to reconnect in a week or so.

Then start with one relationship only, probably the one between you and C. Work out if you are going to be friends or lovers, just the two of you. Let hubby work on his feelings of being left out, etc.

Then give C and your husband time and space to work out their relationship, and work on your own feelings.

Take some time to let these relationships mature. IF all goes well, work on the 3-way again.

Expect this all to take lots of time and work, and it still probably won't work out. But you might be able to salvage something worthwhile.

Gotta run, best of luck!

OH and *disclaimer* -

I HAVE NO ACTUAL POLY EXPERIENCE, its all theoretical so far! See if this advice checks out with others who've lived it!


Anotherbo :)
 
Anotherbo....THANKS! Your feedback was very useful to ME this weekend. I had the 'two pole scenario' in my mind a LOT. Maybe AWARENESS really does equal control! :)

I had a super busy weekend with some volunteer stuff....however, Saturday evening I came home to C cooking dinner with Hubby FOR ME. It was deeeelish! Hard to imagine what we did for the next 7 hours, but the time FLEW by aided by a couple of martinis I am sure. I packed it in (to bed) around 1 a.m. and the two of them stayed up for another hour or so....it was soooo much DAMN fun. Really really fun.

It was a great sleepover, although, I don't sleep much with all 3 in the King bed. I find myself continually trying to hold back my 'want' to touch C. AND I don't sleep. At all. Finally got up at 4 and did a bit of work in my office.

In the early a.m., I pounced....ya, I am weak....and C and I had a great 1 on 1. Really great. Hubby was already up, unfortunately, so was feeling a bit left out...it wasn't intentional. Just bad timing. We got up and dragged him back in for more....ah, well, breakfast at Noon is okay right?

Soooo good when good. AND it feels like I am letting go a bit. Ah progress. I hope!
P2
 
And today, Monday, all seems stable. I am 'feeling' that some of the "NRE" is quieting. It is an interesting phase now. Trying to be a little insightful, but at the same time happy to be able to focus on other things more.

It's almost 3 months to the day of our first sexual encounter. Has it run it's course?

Stay tuned for more I guess!! Thanks for all the help. It has been great! AND yes, keep it coming.
 
redpepper said:
Hey Polly, care to cut and paste your post to the poly vignettes thread? I love your success and happiness! :)
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Sure I will try this! AND, RP, I wouldn't quite call it 'happiness' yet....although the rush of emotions seems to be leveling. I wonder if the new vitamins are really working!! ;) lol...

The poster that I had on my bedroom closet for all my teenage years must have been true, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Who is this person writing anyway?? lol A work in progress I guess!! :)
 
I'm glad the 2-pole concept was useful to you, Pollypocket. And upon further reflection, I'm thinking that my idea about trying to unring the bell is unworkable, at least in your case.

More thoughts: its seeming more and more obvious that you are REALLY into C. I suspect that if you weren't worried about your husband feeling left out, you would dearly love to have some heavy-duty alone time with her. The only real question in my mind is whether C would be equally into that. And your husband has expressed a couple times now that he does feel left out when you get more time with her (probably especially more sex time).

Your husband also seems to be VERY into C, but his situation is subtly different. He clearly wants alone time with C, and she does too. He's very worried about you feeling left out, however, and C probably feels the same way to some small extent.

And what's C feeling? Best guess, heavily in love with your husband, a little bit in love with you, and very frustrated at your ability and willingness to exercise control over what their relationship will grow into. Possible very uncertain and fragile; she really has a lot to lose here. If it all blows up, you and your husband will still have each other, but C won't have either of you.

Soooo good when good. AND it feels like I am letting go a bit. Ah progress. I hope!
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I think this is big too. Especially enjoying the fabulous closeness and sexuality you all feel, when its good. Makes all the miserable parts seem worthwhile.

Progress, hooray!

Oh last thing, I've been thinking you guys might all benefit from time with a poly-friendly therapist, if you can find/afford one. These forums can't really perform this function effectively.

*hugs* and love,


Anotherbo :)
 
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You are GOOD, Anotherbo! ;)

I am toying with the concept of unringing a bell, too. Man, I have dissected EACH possible 'feeling' for her, trying to figure out WTF!! While there very well may be some 'in love' pieces, the whole newness and lust thing play pretty huge into it as well. I also wonder about the 'nother lover' thing too. I mean really....26 years with the same person....and then, voila, someone who for just a brief moment (well, a month actually) made you feel really realllllly good! Made you feel so loved and so wanted and so beautiful. I mean, HOW can you NOT really dig that? I am an easy mark, huh?

And NOW, I have to go out of town again....and I find myself just saying, 'fuck it...let go'. Because truthfully, it will bring back some of the angst when I went out of town the first time, a month into the sex, and came back to the tables turned. It wasn't anyone's fault, I know....she was into ME before I left, and then, into HIM when I got back. I just have to LET GO!! Some how, some way. When I am away, I have to concentrate...not be worried about what is going on in my bedroom.

So, now what? We do have access to a 'very specialized' therapist (180/hr). The only thing that I can think of....is how can she help us break up? If we all just start to 'cool it'...will it eventually die? And will I just have to come to terms with losing a really cool, albeit high maintenance, friend?

Kinda sucks all round....serenity nowwwwww......
P2
 
PollyPocket said:
RP, I wouldn't quite call it 'happiness' yet....although the rush of emotions seems to be leveling. I wonder if the new vitamins are really working!! ;) lol...
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It was a night and morning of happiness, that is a lot more than some people obtain in this crazy poly world ;) up to you.
 
So here is the phrase of the week, "Go Slow. Be patient." :)

Since our major implosion last week, we have 'slowed down' on seeing each other....a lot...and it seems to be working. C and I skyped last night for a while and it was the most open that I have seen her. She misses us..."BOTH" - as she says! Yay.

Actually, it was sort of humorous. She was talking about my 'passion' (intensity in everything - can be a bad thing, but let's frame it here as good!! :) ) and how I should NOT have to "check your passion, just because I (C) cannot return the same intensity. It makes me sad that I can not return it. You are my dear friend and I love you".

<warm squishy sigh~> You can see why it is confusing huh?

I read a couple of Sage's blog posts last night....and the go slow advice throughout a few of them, really seemed to be the shining light. I have felt really good this week....not quite sleeping right yet, but close!

Tonight we are all going for a drive to the city for Gelato. Should be fun! More later.

Feel free to thrown your two cents in....
P2
 
Well we made it through another WHOLE weekend....24/7 times 2.5, withouth incident. Has the tide turned I wonder??

We had a really wonderful weekend together...a little shopping, a little dining, a little golf, a little partying (er, actually, a LOT) and a whole lotta getting it on! :eek:

It seems that something in ME has mellowed. I am not sure what or where or why, just that I seem 'relaxed'. AND exhausted by Sunday evening.

We had a discussion on the Thursday prior to this weekend, and it seemed to shake me up again...I was outta sorts for a day or two, but now seem okay. I know that C was alone in her house and was trying to get hubby to come over last week. A little off base and leading to trust issues I guess. BUT since then, and a great conversation with hubby, all seems good.

I will ride the ride and enjoy this part for a bit while it lasts... :cool:

P2
 
Ahhh...The little lull in the center of the coaster before the grand finalle. LOL
 
Mid Week Romp

Sometimes you have to guage whether or not you want to upset the apple cart with a 'quickie' since so many emotions swell up IN THREES!! ;)

Everyone was hot and bothered so we decided to push forth....and romp.

A nice enough idea but.....for some reason, I felt so left out this time! Ek! The dynamics of THREE is such that at one time or another, one is going to feel left out. That is just how it rolls.

For some reason, I concentrated my efforts on helping her orgasm, while hubby and C kibutzed, laughed and kissed. I guess I felt a bit 'used', which has occurred before, and I have just 'sucked it up' and got on with things. Last night was different though. I had had enough and simple got up and left....after she went over the top with a big O!!

This morning, a chat with hubby.....he is saying that I needed to communicate that 'at the time', but I was mad, and felt foolish: "Hey you two, here I am, Hello." Don't get me wrong, I had a few O's myself, but mostly they were my own doing.

Maybe I am just in the 'sensitive' stage of my cycle....or maybe it was something else that triggered this "unwanted" feeling. BUT I really do not like it. AND don't feel like talking about it either.

What is the right answer?
P2
 
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