The Polly Roller Coaster

PollyPocket said:
C called me to see how I was. I said I was a mess. She had asked me yesterday if she wanted her to take the bullet for me, saying that it was all her fault. I said no. I told her I felt used by her, that she preyed on me when I most vulnerable, fucked me thinking that it would make everyone make up, then was surprised when I said, 'What are you talking about?' She feels like I used her as a toy just to get off... I just was so full of desire for her that I could not contain myself. She called me a bunch of names for telling her that she used me, and said that we could not be friends anymore... The thought of this kills me but I must be strong somehow.
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It sounds like you both sincerely feel used. Maybe there is another explanation.

PollyPocket said:
I am still grasping to find perspective. I know that it was my fault. But why? Tequila was a big factor. It just loosened me to what I had longed for for so long. Just ... some honesty. Her honesty to me, actually saying that she had to make a conscious decision to not allow herself to fall in love with me. I had thought that I was so crazy for reading all the words and actions wrong. I had thought, 'Wow, how could I be so wrong?' And now she tells me that I was right, after two months of heartfelt rejection. I sucked it up. I tried to get over it. I said that I wasn't in love with her. Honestly, I don't know if I was or am. I know that when I am with her, I want to touch and hold her.
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Here's my take. She finally opened herself to the possibility that she had fallen in love with you. It wasn't an easy thing to do. We're so conditioned to homophobia, even being open about your bisexuality doesn't make those issues go away. And she really opened herself up to you by telling you so.

You finally heard what you've been wanting to hear, and she was sincere. Both of you felt very connected as a result. Is there any wonder that a rush of uncontrollable desire overwhelmed you both? Afterwards, she dared to hope things were back on track.

I don't know that this is what happened, but it seems, to me, to fit the available facts.

PollyPocket said:
After 22 years of marriage, we get complacent, we don't tell our spouses how much we are still in love with them, how beautiful they look, how sexy they make us feel, how we want to fuck them in the middle of the grocery store, how fabulous they smell. We let it all be replaced with some sort of NRE that takes over our lives. I am sure if we could all read the one on one emails to C (and vice versa), those phrases and words are scattered throughout, on both of our accounts. But to each other, to the most important person in my life, did I say or receive them? Probably not.
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It is very hard to maintain the "in love" feeling. It seems to me this is one of the most valuable parts of polyamory: you need to constantly engage with your long-term partner to make it work. You have to work together constantly to get through the issues that continually come up. You can share that NRE feeling and be thrilled that your partner gets to feel it again, too. You can be excited that your partner gets to have someone else so wonderful in their life. Could you get that NRE again with your old partner? Maybe. But it usually seems to take some kind of shared crisis, something you can work through together. And I doubt it's ever as intense as your original NRE.

Where it fails is when it becomes a competition. Who loves whom most? Who gets to do what with whom, and when? I have yet to hear a successful poly story that doesn't include at least some compersion, some times where you are just happy for your partner and their new love. And almost every story I read about a good poly relationship includes finding a way to deal with jealousy.

Have things cooled down enough yet that you and Mr. P2 have been able to communicate?
 
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TL4everu2 said:
My suggestion is to take a break from anything poly for a while, until you are both strong enough to accept it again, if it ever comes up again. Also, you must completely cut C out of your life.
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I agree with this. I don't see how you three can possibly make things work at this point, and it does seem like your marriage is at risk. However, I disagree with making C the bad guy here. At some point, it's gonna be a lot more useful to try to see her perspective. I don't think she's to blame, I don't think anybody is to blame here for the painful mess this has become, and anyway, fixing the blame seldom helps to fix the problem.

But in any case, the important thing to fix right now is your marriage.

TL4everu2 said:
C could end up being a huge reason for a good marriage to split up. And for what? A piece of ass? Come on.
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I couldn't disagree with this more. C is not a piece of ass. She is a person with her own feelings, needs, insecurities and so on. A person that both married partners care deeply for. And while C (like most unicorns) hasn't been accorded much of a say in how this relationship has progressed, I don't think she has been treated like a piece of ass by either P2 or her hubby. Certainly I don't see what is gained by making her the scapegoat here.

P2, I am feeling so sad for you right now. Please don't beat yourself up. You've been working so hard at this. It's not your fault. You got in over your head; over almost anybody's head; the success rate is very low.

*hugs* and love
 
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I don't think it's anyone's fault in particular, just a situation where everyone was human and the wants/needs of everyone involved were not necessarily compatible. FWIW I've been in a really similar situation as P2 herself.
 
I've been in similar situations, but have never acted on the urges.

I will agree that placing blame here is useless. Know where the mistakes were made, learn from them, move forward and never make the same mistakes again.
 
It's Wednesday night and I finally have some internet access at my friend's house! Yay! :)

I took counsel today from many friends. They all said, "Why were you talking to C yesterday? What is wrong with you?" I agreed. Today she has called but I have not answered. Maybe I am learning. :)

It is turning into a bit of a "She said, she said" fiasco, as I learned that she has forwarded hubby a bunch of emails and stuff between her and me. I don't really have anything to hide. I have told him the whole story, how I messed up, and why I think I did. All I have now is my history with him. Yes, I have made a couple slips along the way, but all in all, a pretty honest, loving, caring existence between the two of us.

So now I will give space and let him figure things out. I know that this was not what it was supposed to be. I know it is hard for all.

Again, I practice loosening the grip and letting what will be, be.

He is the person I want, I miss, I love.

Thanks for your advice. It is all valuable.

Rabbit, I would like to hear your story, too.
 
Does anyone have any insight into why the hell I would have done this-- the cheating? I just cannot figure it out. It is like it wasn't even me!! I take responsibility for the whole thing, don't get me wrong. But where the fuck did that piece of me come from?? It is not me!!

Anyone? Thanks.
 
Polly, in reading your posts, it seems you wanted so badly for this thing to work with C. She was in love with your husband, and you felt left out. Sometimes it read that even though your husband saw this as dangerous, you were determined to go on, no matter what. You wanted to be included.

I have no clue why your husband ended things with C. However, it seems you weren't ready to let it go. I wonder if C thought if she could make things good with you, if you all could reconcile. It seems lots of boundaries were crossed.

Maybe go back and read your thread and see what signs there were. I think only you can know why you decided to go for it.

No judgements. This is something for the three of you to work out. Now it seems there are three people hurting worse. I don't think placing blame helps. I do think spending some time on self-introspection and good communication with your husband wouldn't hurt.
 
Thanks, LMBL. I am hoping to talk to him face-to-face soon. He is still really angry at me and is holding onto many years of resentment. It seems that each mistake I make is another notch in the book. Yes, I am human. I do make mistakes. I accept that and know that it is in those mistakes, that recovery is the hardest. One way or another, I hope that we both can recover, either alone or together. Life is short. We both deserve to be happy. We are both good people who tried something that most wouldn't. We experimented with fire. We thought we could handle it. Clearly, we both, actually, all three, failed in the experiment and now are left in pieces trying to figure out what happened and how and if we can rebuild.

What a life lesson. Never did I think that I would be in this spot now.
 
P2, I may end up getting into my story if I get time, but in response to your question:

I think this is different cheating than "regular" cheating. With regular cheating it was never ok for you to sleep with that person, so it is pretty black and white. With this situation, it was ok for you to sleep with her as recently as a week ago, and now all of a sudden it's not ok. I know you weren't sleeping with her without your husband, but it was still something that was happening. I think that makes it a lot more confusing.

At the end of my similar relationship (where everyone was tentatively still friends but the relationship was over), something similar happened between my fiance and our ex. He stopped it before it got that far, but same idea. I think it is a lot easier to slip into an old routine or habit because it's a) familiar and b) something at least part of you wishes you could have back.
 
PollyPocket said:
Does anyone have any insight into why the hell I would have done this-- the cheating? I just cannot figure it out. It is like it wasn't even me!! I take responsibility for the whole thing, don't get me wrong. But where the fuck did that piece of me come from?? It is not me!!

Anyone? Thanks.
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Hello. I don't usually get a chance to read blogs on here, but I picked yours today, for some reason. Maybe this question is one to ask in the general section? If you decide you want it moved I can do that for you.

I can relate entirely to your situation. This was the way I used to deal with things in the past. I am hoping that when faced with a situation like this again I will refrain. I have not tested that yet.

A few thoughts:

Perhaps she was trying to prove that she loves you?
Perhaps she was checking with herself that she did?
Perhaps she wanted to give you what you wanted, loving both of you evenly?
Perhaps this was all brought on out of guilt, and it became easy to "make it right" with alcohol.
Maybe you wanted to prove that you were worthy of as much love as your husband?
Maybe you were wanting to prove to her you loved her?
Maybe it was a way to allow her to appease her guilt?
Maybe it was a way to prove something to your husband and get through some jealousy that she loved him more?
Maybe it all became easy to chose sex as a solution, under the influence?

Sometimes saying yes to sex is easier than saying no.

It could also be breakup sex; one last fuck before it's done; seal the deal.

Just thoughts from someone who has had sex while drunk for a whole lot of stupid reasons. It got me through some stuff. But I like to think I am more aware of what is going on now, before finding myself drunk and turned on.

Note to self: don't drink with people you are feeling emotional about.
 
Saturday morning and still at my sister's place. Hoping to talk sometime soon, but not wanting to push. Patience.

RP, all good points, pieces of all of them.
 
Another update. Wow, we are still riding the roller coaster even without C in the picture! Go figure. I am still out of the house. :( Hubby and I have met and it started out well, but quickly went downhill as discussion of the bigger issues came up. I feel like I am not equipped to deal with some of the resentment. I really have no idea of what to do or say. I know that it hurts, for sure.

I have been asking to go to marriage counseling in the hopes that someone knows how to help, but hubby is against it. Not exactly sure why.

He is also still so upset about the incident between C and me. I understand that it was a huge mistake, but just don't get why he is putting so much emphasis on it. I mean, 4 days earlier, they were doing a similar thing (not quite as 3rd base-ish), without me. I dunno. It is all very confusing.

It seems everyone is mixed up.

Any help or advice is welcome. I know I need it! Thanks.
 
Just caught up with your blog. WOW! I wouldn't have picked this happening. I'm sorry, you must be in a lot of pain. The ability to forgive and work through resentments are part and parcel of long-term relationships. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that they are the filtration system. It sounds as if this episode has blown the lid on a bit of a blockage.

Counseling would be a good step. I think it's important to find out why he is against it. Even if you have to start communicating important questions like this via email if talking is too volatile. Another important question might be. "Is there anything I can do to make this better?"

Hugs
 
PollyPocket said:
Another update. Wow, we are still riding the roller coaster even without C in the picture! Go figure. I am still out of the house. :( Hubby and I have met and it started out well, but quickly went downhill as discussion of the bigger issues came up. I feel like I am not equipped to deal with some of the resentment. I really have no idea of what to do or say. I know that it hurts, for sure.

I have been asking to go to marriage counseling in the hopes that someone knows how to help, but hubby is against it. Not exactly sure why.

He is also still so upset about the incident between C and me. I understand that it was a huge mistake, but just don't get why he is putting so much emphasis on it. I mean, 4 days earlier they were doing a similar thing (not quite as 3rd base-ish), without me. I dunno. It is all very confusing. It seems everyone is mixed up.
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Yes, it all sucks. But you have learned how bad it can be. Please try to see a silver lining. Your hubby is putting a lot of emphasis on it because, even though just 4 short days before he was doing something similar, it wasn't "cheating" at that point. At that point, is was still a "relationship," one which he and C decided to end. That is why.

When you finally get to speak to your hubby in person, be apologetic and accepting. Let him speak what he wants to speak, and don't pressure him. He will speak when he is ready. The only time to pressure him is in trying to get him to speak in the first place. Let him know that you want to fix it, and that you just need to know what he wants you to do.

I'm hurting for you, P2. Sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))
 
The response

Yes TL, you're pretty close. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Within weeks of the first sign of P2 having trouble with C and me, I broke up with C. Polly is and has always has been my first priority and it kills me to see her in pain. Until that point, Polly had assured me that it was fine and she would have it under control. Don't worry about it.

An hour after I had broken up with C, Polly was back at the house mending fences. Before you know it, everything is back on. Some period of time goes by, I think around a month, another earth-shattering issue and C breaks up with us. By this time Polly is a mess. She's tiny to begin with, and now she's lost a lot of weight, not sleeping or eating, vomiting. She was stressed to the max. Great, I think, that's the end of that. Don't get me wrong. I'm no saint. I had strong feelings for C and was sad for it to end. But again, Polly is by far my #1. I sent C a pretty good kiss-off letter. And guess what? Polly smooths everything out again. Like a Russian gymnast! She went to huge lengths to keep us together.

This really starting to run on... Sorry.

My point is, I only ever had Polly's interest in mind. Yes, I loved C. We had a great time in and out of the bedroom. But when it comes down to it, Polly is my #1.

As far as the "cheating" episode goes-- we were broken up. I had broken up with C for real. I burned bridges behind me so that there was no chance of reconciliation. I did the right thing for Polly and for our marriage. So what does Polly do? Goes out and gets loaded and screws her in the parking lot of the bar. Polly can't understand why I see it differently-- that it was ok for me to play slap and tickle while we were still seeing each other, but not ok for them to do it after the relationship had ended.

I'm not too happy about airing our dirty laundry here, but I've tried many times to explain why I was so hurt by that action. Obviously it's not the sex part. I see it as a premeditated action against me. Polly herself says that she knew something was going to happen when they left the bar to go out for a smoke. And apparently they were both saying something to the effect of "We can't do this" as it was happening. They knew it was the wrong thing to do, that it would crush me, and did it anyway. I hope that I don't seem unreasonable.
 
Hello Sparky. First, let me say welcome to the board!

With that being said, allow me to continue.

I do not think you are unreasonable. I can see where you have issue with the situation at hand. If my wife L had done the same thing, I would call it all over also.

However, please remember that you married P2 for a reason. You, obviously, do love her very much. Would it be possible for the two of you to at least talk in person? Choose a public place. If not, how about a chat session online? This helps to eliminate some of the animosity and anger. My wife and I have done this before. When I was too upset to speak in person, even though our computers are side by side, I would often talk to her through Facebook chat. It really does help.

Ultimately, even if you two never delve into the poly life again, I would love to see your marriage survive. I do not think it is an unimaginable feat, but there will be some healing and trust that needs to happen.

I will not make excuses for P2. She was in the wrong, IMO, to even open the door when C came over. However, she did open the door. She further made a larger mistake, by going out with C, and an even larger one by having sex with her.

But the two of you seem to claim to have kept the relationship with C going on, in an effort to make the other happy. You say you kept going back to C to make P2 happy? Sorry, not to call you a liar, but I don't believe it. There was a bit of selfishness going on here too. Just as much as you enjoyed P2 having a good friend and a good time, you know you were enjoying the extra love and extra action also. So you're not totally innocent here either. If you were, you would have completely ended it after the first break up. I'm just sayin.'

Now, I have just been the pot, while you were the kettle. My wife is currently seeing a guy. She and I have had arguments about him. I think that he doesn't play cat enough, and is always playing mouse. My wife L says that I was the same way, that she is used to playing cat and kinda likes it.

She has, on numerous occasions, made attempts to end it with D. Until a week or so ago, I would talk her out of it. Then I realized that I was just as guilty as her by talking her out of it. So I told her I wouldn't do that anymore. And that if she ended it, she would have to repair it herself, if she wanted it to continue on at a later date. So because I like the fact that she is so happy when she is with D, and I that they mesh so well together, and that they are great in bed together, I have fought to keep them together. But I got tired of fighting to keep them together. I broke down and told L that she would have to repair it herself. I was out of the loop, so to speak.

We haven't had that issue since, really. She hasn't broken up with him, but she and he have better defined their relationship and their individual goals. Now that they know what they want, they have a new view in mind and are free to do whatever (within reason, of course. We still have certain "no-go" rules in place).

My main point is that, in a poly relationship, you will have to do more work and more compromising than you ever thought possible, if you want it to work. But even if you don't go back to being poly, I hope you can both heal from this, and learn from the experience, and learn to love each other even more.
 
Sparky, I can totally see why you would want to stay away. I do that when I am so angry I want to punish the person. It never works for me, though, because I end up punishing myself just as much. Still, I see no reason why you can't take your time with this. You were in control of your emotions and didn't let the situation get out of hand. Polly did. You have every right to be angry and hurt. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her eventually though, and move forward. Is it really worth your whole marriage ending? The longer you leave it, the more damage done, I think.
 
Thanks for your input and understanding in this tough time.

TL, thanks very much. I've had the opportunity to look over Polly's shoulder and read some of your posts. All very kind, thoughtful, and appreciated. Buddy, it was completely in my interest to have C around. Absolutely, no doubt. But I never tried to keep her in close. Just the opposite. Polly went to heroic measures in trying to deal with my connection with C. But it was tough to watch. I told Polly on many many occasions, "Just say the word, anytime. It will be over 100%," Of course that put the pressure on her (Polly) to do something to break my heart (tell me to break it off with C). Dig? No winners, dude.


Redpepper, thank you also for your sage advice. Certainly there may be the tiniest tinge of punishment, but we have been communicating. In fact, we sat down for lunch the other day. Unfortunately, it didn't go very well. :( So I thought it would be a good idea just to take a step back. It's so hard, though. :(

As far as the counseling thing, we've already been to counseling twice in the past. Not a ton of sessions, but several. I've been to counseling on my own, as has she. They don't know anything more than anyone else. Sorry to any counselors out there, no offense. I just don't recall them as being that helpful. Not the ones in our price range, anyway. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
 
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