The Polly Roller Coaster

I hear ya, TL. So sorry it isn't working out today. Maybe, just maybe, the blended mix needs to age a bit; you know, just sit there and wait a bit.

Today was a weird day for us too. I was strong mentally, which is always a good thing, but C was 'off' and quiet and so hard to figure out. She had zingers toward me all day, that I took. Then she just up and left. No idea. No discussion. Nothing.

Man, this thing is tough! We tried to have a 'communication meeting' on the deck earlier in the day, but I aborted it quick when I saw that C just wasn't into it.

I even offered up the prime cuddle spot on the couch, next to hubby, when she wanted to watch movies, but no takers. So I cuddled into him, and offered her a friendly arm around her waist area, for support more than anything, kind of saying, 'I know that you are having a bad day.' I really thought that we were gonna make it through this Sunday okay. For sure, not as bad as it had been in the past, but way way way less than ideal. :(
 
Sorry you also had a tough weekend, Pollypocket. It sucks. When it's good, it's wonderful, but when it's bad, it's absolutely horrifying.
 
Thanks TL. Yeah, it sucks.

Friday night was awesome. Saturday was okay. Sunday was dismal. Now, Monday, it's OVER!! :(

C has pulled the plug. She didn't like me telling her that I was hurt from her multiple digs yesterday. The fight started on Skype, then I asked her to call. She did. I simply told her that I was mad at her for the way she treated me on Sunday. She said that she could never be who I wanted her to be and that she was done. I said, friends should be able to tell each other when they piss the other off. She said no, that friends should understand when others are having a bad day and leave it alone.

Oh my dog, a long email to the hubby times two, stating her undying love for him. But to me, 'Please respect the gravity of this and do not try to contact me.' FUCK!

Chicks are difficult, man! Hubby and I think she is just PMSing. But I guess time will tell. My heart feels like a grenade just hit it.

Hubby says that he can not endure it anymore, and for him, it is done. This time it is her, and she needs to take some responsibility too. He has used the last two weeks to get his head around the withdrawal from her. Funny, he cranked it down, she cranked it up, and I just tried to stay sane. I think I can I think I can.

Thanks again for all the support, Psquared.
 
Pollypocket, I feel ya. I really do. Today, I promised my kid I would take him over to a mutual friend's house to ride his dirt bike. S invited friends that L & I hate. :rolleyes: I had to sit there, basically be quiet, and watch as S & D fraternized with these two other people. :mad: It sucked. L & I were miserable. We eventually left early. I drank most of the time, so I could pass the time and not go insane.

Anyway, today sucked except for my kid having a good time. That much, I enjoyed.

I totally understand your hubby saying he wanted to end it. It's what we do. We see the pain that it's causing everyone else, and want to stop the pain, so we end it. I have chosen to end it also. End it completely? I wish it was that easy. No, I have to sit by and watch as everyone else has a great time, and I get to be miserable, my wife gets to be miserable, D gets to be miserable, yet acts like she's fine, and S is well... fine. :rolleyes: He's fine because he has a free pass blah blah blah.

Pollypocket, I hope things work out for you. Really, this is a tough road we tread upon. Not many have the cojones to do it. Not sure even I have 'em.
 
Well here I am on Day 1, post break up, and feeling pretty crappy. Thank goodness for a well stocked meds cupboard! ;) Actually, both hubby and I are feeling so sad. Yet, we know it is best. It just seemed that C wanted more and more, and I gave and gave. I mean, crap, I was going to therapy sessions to 'learn' how to share my husband better. How much more willing can one be to get better?

She was the one that broke it off. I know she must be full of regret now. I have not spoken with her. She asked me for that. Hubby received a whack of emails back and forth this morning, and he shared a couple with me.

What I am not understanding is my need to hear, see, touch all communication between the two of them. Where is that coming from? I know that my hubby has my back and is not 'cheating,' etc. But wtf? I guess that I just feel so left out again (still). And I guess this is why you don't sleep with a friend and you set up really defined boundaries.

It started out so awesome. It moved to a love affair where C was almost obsessed. Really hard to take. And yet, like some fucktard, I just want to be her friend again. What is up with that?
 
It almost sounds like C is a cowgirl. Why are you not allowed contact and he is swamped with it? I thought polyamory was about open communication. I would think you would be privy to the emails.
 
As the poly world turns...

OMG.

So now we are all having a meeting in the morning. C caved and wrote an email to us, apologizing, and wanting to go see the counsellor to help with 'staying friends.' Are you kidding me?

Hubby, who yesterday said, 'I don't care what you two do. I hope you stay friends, but I am out,' now wants a meeting.

Me? I am being pulled with heart and head in opposite directions. Yesterday and today were total write-offs and I can not take many more! Wah! but I miss her. WTF?

Do you think we can set up some better boundaries in the whole thing and somehow make this cluster work? Is it possible?

Truly, it's almost more than I can bear. Where is that meds cupboard? ;)
Help
 
Hi P2, I haven't been commenting, but have been following your sorry saga. I have just finished a triad relationship before it really got going, to save us all a lot of pain and anguish, and also because of a major betrayal of trust.

I was surprised to hear that the long-term success rate for triads is very low. I just assumed they were pretty common in the poly world, because I know one in its fourth year that is still going strong.

Maybe we could put out the question to the board as to how many triads are successful after a couple of years.

With all the drama this is causing you, if the chances of succeeding are really so very low, do you really want to put yourself through it?

With so much water under the bridge, is it possible to go back to being friends?
 
Did Dh explain why he is now open again?
Why wouldn't she communicate to you but would to him? I get that it is a different love.
Why not share communication between all today?
I do not get it. We had some boundary problems and communication was between all of us.
Just questions to ask.
 
sage said:
I have just finished a triad relationship before it really got going, to save us all a lot of pain and anguish, and also because of a major betrayal of trust.

I was surprised to hear that the long-term success rate for triads is very low. I just assumed they were pretty common in the poly world because I know one into its fourth year and still going strong. Maybe we could put out the question to the board as to how many triads are successful after a couple of years. With all the drama this is causing you, if the chances of succeeding are really so very low do you really want to put yourself through it? With so much water under the bridge, is it possible to go back to being friends?
Click to expand...

Do a little search. I asked this very question in a poll. The results may surprise you. ;)

I have given up. :(
 
Egad. Our meeting is less than an hour away and I am quietly freaking out. Trying to work. I have scribbled out a bunch of items on my notepad:

1. What is this relationship? What does it mean to you?
2. Communication
3. Hormones (help them!)
4. Reactiveness
5. Time together (set some limits)
6. Personal space (with 5)
7. Jealousy/envy - all of ours

It is sort of humorous that the only one of the three that knows and understands these seven things is hubby. The girls just have a way more difficult time with it. I am most interested to see what C's answer to number 1 is.

Progressively, it has felt like more of an affair between her and hubby, and that I have been getting in the way. That is probably just my insecurities, though. Last Friday night (yes, a mere 5 days ago) C&I drove home together, as hubby took the other car, and she held my hand, and said how happy she was, and how much she loved me, and how good things were. That is when I said that I liked her best after a couple of martinis! ;) Probably not a good thing, huh?

I am smiling as I type. THOSE are the times that I timestamp! THAT love, THAT feeling, is what makes me go back for more, always expecting that a right hook could come at ANY time, but soooo enjoying the time in the ring with them both! I am totally fucked, right?
 
sage said:
I have just finished a triad relationship before it really got going, to save us all a lot of pain and anguish, and also because of a major betrayal of trust.

I was surprised to hear that the long term success rate for triads is very low. I just assumed they were pretty common in the poly world, because I know one into its fourth year and still going strong. Maybe we could put out the question to the board as to how many triads are successful after a couple of years. With all the drama this is causing you if the chances of succeeding are really so very low do you really want to put yourself through it? With so much water under the bridge, is it possible to go back to being friends?
Click to expand...

From what I gather, there is a relatively low success rate for long term-poly relationships, but then that would depend on how you qualify success. If you are qualifying it as having been changed somehow, as having loved deeply and connected with a fantastic person, as having connected deeply with a long-term love whereby you might not have, then that is success as much as long term is.

This is a culture that respects long-term relationships. That is the goal of many because it's what we've been taught to appreciate. This is why I ask people on here what their aspirations are in a poly dynamic. I think its important to keep in mind.

PN and I came into our relationship because we were poly. That was 12 years ago and we have been ever since. It has always been our goal to eventually settle into a long-term relationship with others and create family. We are now seeing that happen, but it's all new to us. Even if some of our relationships are more fluid, if we all have the same goal of long term, then there is nothing but time to work that out. It doesn't have to all happen right now. We enjoy the journey, take the odd little blips in the journey in our stride, and respect that they are there to teach us, somehow.
 
Polly, you may be fucked if you don't address that you think C is more interested in your husband. It doesn't sound like you are all that into this for the long term and just enjoying the ride. What if they want their own time? What if this becomes about them falling in love? How would you feel? Are you prepared for that?
 
Redpepper, they have already fallen in love. I have been their only spectator. I have seen the whole thing unfold. It is strange the things that I am okay with, and the others that I struggle more with.

I will update the thread in a bit. Our meeting just ended. We definitely needed a facilitator, because it was horrible communication. Not by me, of course. :)

She is so mixed up right now, saying one thing and meaning another, then saying the opposite.

I feel for her a lot. But at the end of the day, it is a THREESOME. Take it or leave it.
 
PollyPocket said:
Redpepper, they have already fallen in love. I have been their only spectator, so have seen the whole thing unfold. It is strange the things that I am okay with, and the others that I struggle more with.

Our meeting just ended. We definitely needed a facilitator, because it was horrible communication. Not by me, of course.

She is so mixed up right now, saying one thing and meaning another, then saying the opposite.

I feel for her a lot. But at the end of the day, it is a THREESOME. Take it or leave it.
Click to expand...

Wow, you sound a little shaken.

I get that it's a threesome. It is for me, Mono and PN, even if they aren't sexual or in love. Working together is what makes it so.

I look forward to the update.
 
redpepper said:
Wow, you sound a little shaken. I get that its a threesome. It is for me, Mono and PN, even if they aren't sexual or in love. Working together is what makes it so.
Click to expand...

Actually, I am not really that shaken! Must be a good hormone day!! :p What I meant by the take it or leave it comment, is that hubby and I come as a package. I will choose to live with LESS equality in the love department from C, but she has to realize that it will always be the 3 of us, never just 2.

If we can all dial it back a notch and just enjoy each other without any strings (so to speak), then we can probably continue on casually. Maybe. Who knows?

I'm trying to work for a bit here, before another day is sucked away from me by this crazy stuff, but will update soon. Thanks for the nice notes! Apologies if my last one sounded tense.
 
Why three? Why prescribe what is to be? Surely it would work better to let it go and just become what it is to become? Trying to control love doesn't work, I think. It just builds resentment. You can't make her love you. If she loves him more, then will they not be allowed to express that, because you will insist on their including you?

Was the purpose to share an experience? Is this not still sharing an experience?

What does he say? What does he want to get out of this?
 
Wheeeeee, the ride continues.

We had our meeting this morning. It was HORRID! In fact, I have never been forced to witness such bad communication.

C was on the defensive from the start and really talking nonsense. One minute she said she loved us; the next was 'Let's not say love again, because no one here really means it.' Egad.

She thought that hubby had lied to her when he told her he loved her; she thought she had been used, even though she said that it was the most cherished she had ever felt, and that this summer had held some of the best times of her life. It was soooo confusing!!

Hubby finally left, very pissed off. I tried to pick up the pieces, for some fucked-up reason, and talk to her more and get to the root of it all. We talked about her resentment for me, and what this whole thing had started as, and how it had to continue as, if it was going to continue. After two excruciating hours of talking, the layers finally began to peel off, and she came clean.

She left and went home. Then she wrote a long email to us both about how she wanted it to be. She would dial it back a notch. We wouldn't spend as much time with each other. She wouldn't ask about having a date with just my hubby. It all sounded good to me. Nice gestures, all of them.

Later that day, I hooked up with her and went for a run. It was great. We talked more about the resentment and the love, and the tri-couple, as she called it. It seemed like she was taking a great step.

I came home to hubby, who had deleted and blocked her on FB. Apparently he is still fuming over the 'bare-all' meeting where 'all she brought was bullshit.'

So, here I am, in a nice happy place. She is a mess. He is not really talking and a bit of a mess. And the fucking roller coaster continues.

I am heading to the meds cupboard and packin' it in for the night. However, your thoughts are welcome. Thanks in advance.
 
P2, I'm sorry for you. I went through this a couple days ago. And yesterday I actually called D and broke it off completely with them/her. There comes a time when a person has to either cut bait, or reel in the fish. I chose to cut bait and start anew.
 
Why, I ask, why? <shaking fist at the heavens>

I actually played go-between for the two of them last evening and this morning, encouraging more communication, honesty, etc. Neither wanted to talk to the other, but the emails eventually started. They ranged from a scathing undressing by him (hubby) to her, actually stating how much I had 'given' to them both, while I lost weight, puked and sought counsel (three different therapists) in trying to make the cluster function, to continual apologies from C, to both of us.

Hubby copied me on everything. I liked that a lot.

They talked and talked and eventually resolved much of the miscommunication from yesterday.

(Sidenote: turns out that C was ODing on some estrogen/progesterone cream that had her liver enzymes through the roof, and her irritability factor almost as high. She ended up in the ER with severe shakes. She was applying it too much in the hopes that it would help her sleep more!)

Anyhow, today, er, now, everyone is good again. We agreed that we would not spend as much time together on the weekends. Just like the cream, too much of a good thing kills.

I had a pretty deep heart-to-heart with C about her fear of intimacy, and how she will only let people so close before pushing them away, or fucking up intentionally to chase them away.

We all love each other, to various degrees.

I told her that sometimes I needed to touch her, hold her. I asked her to be okay with that, open to it. She agreed that she would try.

I told her that my hope with all this, because the odds of it lasting much longer are way against us, is that we can all hold hands and watch the love affair ride into the sunset and all be okay with that.

That is as good as it can get, and we have to be happy with that vision, right?

Tomorrow is another day, though, and I will just keep breathing the new day in. Whoa.
 
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