Lots of bits to think and talk about!
You are both right, and I assure you that I am not doing anything rash.
As I said, part of having the lease and the apartment helps me keep the brakes on life decisions, and that I think is a GOOD thing. I do need to make sure I'm honoring my own truths. It's just that I'm still working out what they are. Again, possibilities are not plans. Not ready for plans yet.
NRE: This, as some probably know, is a touchy subject for me. People with different life experiences tell me that this feeling fades, and maybe it evolves into something that you can build a long relationship on...and maybe you come out of it and things change. So people say. But that when you feel intense and consumed by your love like this, it is definitely not something you should expect to last, and not something you should make life plans based on. All well and good. Now imagine, if every single time in your life you'd ever felt this, your partner cut off the relationship in a matter of months, or less. You got dropped while still blazing with these feelings, you felt intense pain and grief, and your memory of that person was FOREVER colored by both the NRE feelings and the loss. That has been my experience.
On the flipside, more men have felt this way towards me, than I have for them. Old Wolf had feelings for me that stayed intense, but in his own unhealthy and desperate way, for most of our 18 years. Seriously, it was like our whole relationship was one of unrequited passion on his part, and cool coping on mine. In the beginning I was warmed and flattered that someone loved me so much. It felt...more grown-up than any relationship I'd done before. He was about a decade older than me, I was ready to become a woman, and he was a man. I didn't expect that we'd have kids or go this far, but I was ready for "something serious"...whatever that meant at the time. And he's serious alright. Serious as a heart attack and about as destructive.
I'm still making it up as I go. Maybe all of us are. Maybe there are no rules, not really. So maybe I just can't know what to expect, whether or when the "NRE" will "fade"...I don't know. Also, Zen isn't exactly my new lover...we've been playing for nearly a year and lovers since last November.
I do believe that any commitments I ever were to make (with anyone) would be negotiated out and talked out in great detail. Whether I am "really poly" or not doesn't matter. Let's look at possible commitments and what they mean TO ME.
Collaring: I know some in the community who see a collar like the BDSM version of a wedding ring. And I know some who are not deep in the protocol, who have been collared in relatively light relationships. They sometimes take it seriously enough at the time, but you knew there was not a lifetime commitment there, that collar can come off as easily as it went on. Heck, I know some folks who get into headspace for play with the putting on of a collar that is ONLY worn during play, and removed afterwards, the sub set loose into the world and not in the role anymore. The opposite is the woman I know whose Master died, and she still considers herself his slave and tends to his resting place frequently. There are many layers of dedication in the community and we don't look down on anyone for how they choose to define what they do. It's the beauty, really, of the whole thing. As long as informed consent is present, there IS no "one twue way" to do anything.
I am no slave, and I wouldn't want to even try to be. I know this, Zen knows this, and he isn't interested in directing the life of another person. It's hard to explain. He didn't really set out, I think, to be a "Dom." He never identified as that on fet. He considers himself a "Top". I don't think that either of us is invested in some of the elements that we see in other power exchange relationships, there will always be a lot of areas where we see one another as equals, and there are some areas where I think he defers to me. And some in which he is in service to my needs. But all of this feels really...good, right, healthy, happy. Fulfilling, to me.
So what is this thing where I love to hear him say to me that I am "his" anything, where I love the idea of belonging-to, love to sit at his feet at parties, and where I think it would be neat to wear his collar? I think really part of it is the same joy I get from wearing his marks on my body. It's a physical manifestation of the joy I feel in this. It doesn't change much or obligate either of us to do anything different. But it WOULD keep a lot of the rando's of the fetish community from thinking that I'm available, too.
On to that...what am I giving up if I go mono with Zen?
With the most recent turns of events with the quad, I think that is simmering down and phasing out. It wasn't so much the structure or number of partners that made it unsustainable...it was a few basic incompatibilities that were big enough to be major problems, and it was the fact that for me, they're just too much "a world apart." With everything on my plate, I think the only relationship(s) I can sustain right now are one(s) where the partner can integrate well with my life in multiple areas. Not one(s) where I feel they compete with other important things and I have to make hard choices, or am too tempted to neglect my son mainly. I would like to keep the friendships, and that isn't an issue where Zen is concerned. As for the sex, it was certainly fun, but some of what I'd hoped for (from the basic fact of having a GROUP to play with) never really materialized and didn't much look like it was ever going to, and if we're talking about one-on-one lovers, Zen fulfills all of my sex needs very well.
So on to other possibilities in my world... look at my signature and see my "flirts" and add just one, the Worm King, to that list. Those are people I'd hesitate and say...mmmmm....maybe, if they propositioned me today.
The stuff with the Worm King has faded but still flickers up a bit occasionally. The last couple of days I've missed him a bit. But I went from knowing that if he asked, I would break speed limits to get to his place for a few hours of sex, to knowing it was a bad idea but I'd still struggle to say no, to declaring myself no longer available to him openly on Facebook and that I am "over it"...with lots of anger and weird emotions in between...and now, I feel that I still have days here and there, if he caught me at just the right time, I'd go if he asked. But I will never reach out to him. And the odds, since I haven't seen him in 11 months, are slim. He is definitely strange enough to develop a sudden and "out of nowhere" desire to see me over a year since I saw him last, but if he didn't catch me on a particularly weak day, he'd get a "no."
Regarding Supernova... There are big reasons he cannot be a "partner." I could do probably something casual with him, but it's that whole question of whether I even want yet another name on the list of meaningless sex in my history. More importantly, he's involved in some undercurrents and conflicts in the community, and I want to be careful that I don't muddy any personal boundaries past the point of no return. But I'll give him that he is very sexy, has beautiful eyes, and a reputation for having enormous endowment that frankly makes me slightly curious...in a "like, can I just see it?" kind of way. Think I wanna keep that a "flirty friend" thing, though.
Big Daddy...I shouldn't have even gone as far as I did with him, and I'm glad I went no further. There are ethical issues there. I wouldn't want any more with him unless he resolved those anyways, and he is unlikely to.
Which leaves Dom Sabre, who tempts me more than most. I wanted him BAD last year, and he faded out and shut me down. That was one that, after the Worm King, really hurt my self esteem, even though he didn't mean to...he was just "going through some stuff." Now he's back around, flirting it up with me. But...he lives in Denver. About an hour away. So I don't know. Also, what I'd hoped I might find in a relationship with him...is what I now feel for Zen. So as tempting and hot as he is, my inner voice says, "probably not a good idea."
So. Every one of the other partner choices in my life, is either problematic, unlikely, dubious, some combination thereof. And again I ask...what am I giving up, if I go exclusive with Zen, exactly, when what I now have with him is what I longed for...? A few novel and interesting sex experiences, maybe? I can say for certain that if I approached him and told him that I was considering a new partner and he seemed hurt or upset, I am FAR more invested in not hurting Zen, than I am in playing with someone new. I know that sort of flies in the face of much of what we do as polyfolk, pursuing new relationships and working through jealousy instead of trying to avoid triggering it in our partners...letting his feelings be his and all that jazz. Maybe I am not "real poly" or maybe it will be a thing I don't want to do for a while. *shrug* Right now part of my love of Zen is a feeling of protectiveness, and it doesn't feel unhealthy. And I'm not stressed about losing my poly cred by being mono for a while, or even for good. Right now I'm open to ALL the possibilities. I'm waiting for the universe to give some feedback on what direction my life ought to go.
About the only thing that I consider to be 100% off the table for the future of Zen and Spork, and we agree on this, is reproduction. I'm done doing that, and he doesn't want to do that, and we're just not doing that. Other than that, I'm just happy today and open to tomorrow.
